BW Writing Workshop

[Tor]

Aww, Blaze quit hogging the thread! Kidding! Weeeell, since Joshin seems to be the wonder product for fics, I'm gonna submit the stub of the NBE series I've been picking at for over three months. I'm at a bit of a hard place, wondering what's best for the story, so hopefully we'll be able to get it all set (while working with my flippant grammar ).


Airazor optics flashed with the intensity of small suns. The bright lights shrunk to become the pupil of the eye-like optic. As her optics powered-up, several on-screen pop-ups covered her vision, letting her scroll through the status of her jets, weaponry, energy, and armor. Everything was perfect, running like the well-oiled machine she was.

Then her audios activated. They detected quick heartbeats and quiet breaths. But the pop-up windows covered her visual feed. She wanted them to clear out. With that single thought, the status boxes gently faded away. Airazor got the impression of stainless steel and towering piles of papers, before something a foot shorter than her began talking in a loud voice.

“Lady and gentlemen, Airazor is now activated,” the small thing said, its voice colored with pride. It turned it’s head to look into Airazor’s face.

A small red target circle roamed over the organic’s face, blinked green, and a sidebar on her vision popped-up. Airazor’s attention was captivated as the new window began a slow scroll through a Wikipedia page of a organic being called Doctor Robert Jacobson. With sudden understanding, Airazor knew that Jacobson was the human standing in front of her, presenting her to four other organics. Each time she focused on one of the other organics faces, the sidebar displayed information of each. The organic with sunglasses and dark skin was called James McGannon, the older gentleman was called Wickard Haley, the other man, who looked uncomfortable in his suit, was Captain William Lennox, and the woman was named Alahondra Grayson.

Haley beamed, like a small child, clapped his gnarled hands together, before Airazor had so much have moved. “I knew you were the correct choice to lead this Project,” he said happily. Airazor noted with interest that this human held most of the controlling interest of the company NECo, the company that also employed Jacobson.

“Thank you, Sir,” Jacobson replied modestly, waving a hand. Then he turned to Airazor and said, “Airazor, step forward.”

Airazor’s optics shut briefly off, then restarted, her form of blinking. It cooled down the delicate wiring receiving and interpreting the images from her optics. Then she commanded her left leg to move forward. With silent hydraulics and pistons, Airazor took her first step forward. Without falling, too.

McGannon found Haley’s earlier glee infectious and soon he was smiling like a loon too. It was a magical moment. As a member of the board of directors, he had been present for the unveiling of the Xenomorphs. That was unnerving. This was exhilarating. It could be compared to waking up on Christmas to find that the cookies were eaten, the milk glass drained, and the stockings filled.

Jacobson noticed the positive reactions from his audience and decided to push his luck. Gambling that Lennox would like to be reassured of the NBE’s defensive capability, he commanded, “Airazor, locate and neutralize the automated defenses in the lab.” Jacobson spoke upward, to the ceiling, “Sentinel, online. Destroy non-biological life form.”

The newborn NBE nodded tersely, lowering her stance into a defensive position. Ceiling and wall panels slid back and double barreled guns on retractable arms slid out. The slack guns suddenly jerked alive, aiming their barrels at Airazor.

Airazor’s helm swung back and forth, like a trapped animal. Sentinel, the security system, fired stun charges at her. A flight tutorial scrolled across her vision. Leaping up into the air, Airazor’s jets powered, lifting her free of the line of fire. The shots dissipated against the steel wall where Airazor was moments ago. She laughed, two miniature guns popping out from gauntlets on her wrists. Two small torpedoes exploded on impact, knocking one gun offline. She was untouchable, dancing and twirling out of harm’s way and one by one, Sentinal’s defensive system was crippled.

“Sentinel, power down and repair,” Jacobson ordered. The open panels slid shut, hiding the guns from sight.

Lennox smiled reassuringly at Jacobson, “I’m happy to see she can take of herself.”

For Jacobson, that was a double win. Lennox approved, which was important- Lennox was influential in the Air Force and Airazor would be flying American airspace- and he got that Airazor was indeed a female specimen. Jacobson beemed again.

“I thought you said it couldn’t use its weaponry,” Grayson quipped, her steely eyes hardening behind her glasses.

“Today I received special clearance for this demonstration,” Jacobson said patiently, even that sourpuss couldn’t dampen his spirits. Airazor landed gently behind her creator, her jets cutting off quietly.

“And what an excellent one it has been,” Haley put it, before Grayson could retort. He began a slow clap for Jacobson, and McGannon and Lennox joined him.

Jacobson grinned like the Cheshire cat, grasping Airazor’s hand and pulling her forward. “To the Age of Transformers!”

***

Airazor was the perfect choice for introducing Project NBE to the public. She was good-tempered, patient, and her voice was like Morgan Freeman’s- people could listen to it and be reassured. The people of America soon recognized Airazor as a superhero. But just like the Spiderman movies entailed, Airazor’s introduction was marred by slandering news reporters and vicious political leaders. All of them claimed Airazor was an abomination and technology should be forwarded to help avert global warming, not to create ‘useless’ toys.

Jacobson took care of public relations, assuring Airazor that she just had to follow orders; he would take care of the rest.

So that’s what Airazor was doing this particular afternoon. She was cruising over Seattle, Washington, occasionally tuning into the police radio frequency. Airazor would sometimes make an appearance and help out the local law enforcement, but Jacobson said not to try and help out with every single problem. Be seen helping out with the big stuff, not the minorities.

This is Unit 3, checking in. Citizen has scaled to the top of the Space Needle. We are awaiting fire department assistance. Airazor’s commlink clicked off as Unit 3 finished their report. She was torn, even if she didn’t have a spark. Seattle was one of the most depressed cities in the country, so this must be a suicide attempt. Her heart… or programming hardened with resolve.

Diving through the clouds, Airazor shifted into her robot mode, attaining greater speed. She could see the Space Needle rushing up to meet her, and she could just make out a dark splotch on clinging to the spire of the Needle. Rain pinged off her armor as she neared the spire.

Airazor landed a little away from the organic. “What are you doing out here?” she called to the trembling, shivering figure. If the human replied, it was lost in the rain. Airazor stretched out a glove like hand to the human, who she saw was a female, just like her. The human just stared at her, like she was some sort of alien… okay, so she was technically alien- “Take my hand!” Airazor called over the wind, shaking her hand so the girl got the gist.

Below, police sirens wailed, accompanied by the deeper honking of fire trucks.

The girl tentatively took Airazor’s cool metallic hand in hers and murmured, “I live in an apartment on Cedar Street.”

“I should take you to the authorities,” Airazor replied firmly, taking a careful step forward so she wouldn’t slip off the Needle.

“I’ll jump if you don’t!” the girl threatened, yanking her hand out of Airazor’s slippery grip. Airazor’s optics flashed, just like when she had been activated. There was a long silence.

“Don’t jump. I’ll take you home,” Airazor said wearily. This was new; sure Airazor was at human intelligence, but she hadn’t been exposed to manipulation, even in this crude form.

The girl smiled, lifting her chin triumphantly as Airazor took both of her wrists, then dove toward the cluster of apartment buildings on Cedar, jarring the girl a bit more than necessary as she landed on the roof. Airazor watched the girl gather her dark brown hair and wring it out. Of course, Airazor thought this was pointless- it was still pouring.

“You need therapy,” Airazor said gently, not wanting to make the girl feel threatened.

The girl let her dripping hair go, and straightened, turning to examine Airazor. A long grin was creeping onto her lips, like Airazor was some sort of special edition repaint. “I can’t believe this. I honestly cannot believe it,” the girl’s eyes shone with reverance.

“I’m sorry,” Airazor replied, lifting an optic ridge to show her confusion and questions of sanity, “Weren’t you about to jump from the Space Needle four minutes ago?”



Now my problem is that last bit there. I'm not sure if I want to even include the spunky human side-kick I had planned out. Mostly because they bother me, but the flipside is that with a human tour-guide, the NBEs get exposed to the simple everyday things. Which would bamboozle them...

Dinobot: *grasps a toaster and turns it over, inspecting* And what, exactly, is this square metal device? A disrupter cannon? Perhaps this is a code breaker... yes, I see the insert slots now.

Spunkysidekick: *lifts a finger tentatively* Uh... Dinobot..? That's a toaster and it-

*toast pops out*

Dinobot: *roars in surprise and blasts toaster to smithereens* A trap! *snarls at Spunky*

Spunky: Aie. *facepalm*

Any words of wisdom?

[Joshin Yasha]

Ah, yay! Tor joined my little party now Unfortunately, I can't give you feed back right now, as I'm about to go to work, but whenever I get the chance to sit down and comb through it, I'll be sure to post it immediately! (You should have a response before the weekend's end, though )

[Tor]

Oh there's no rush. My two or three constant readers know I'm slow writer. They'd probably don't expect anything less. Take your time, and when you *feel* like it, review my fic.

[Joshin Yasha]

Okay, so my "should" is gonna have to be extended a little... As in I have a midterm tomorrow that I'm buckling down for. I'll get back to you as soon as I have time, though, Tor!

[Tor]

A'ight, no rush.

[Joshin Yasha]

I haven't forgotten, I've actually been working on it some today Having a 7-page draft of your senior thesis due by last Thursday kinda demands time. Business before pleasure, I suppose.

[Tor]

Okaaay. -twiddles thumbs-

[Blazemane]

I hope Joshin Yasha doesn’t mind if I take a crack at Tor’s story. I just… think this workshop is a good idea, and I really do hope it can become a continuing thing. And, after all, Joshin wanted people to chime in and edit things too.

Having said that, I probably should have gotten to this sooner. Well, here you go, Tor. I think I’ll use Joshin’s format of bold comments separated from your story by “equals” signs.
=========

Airazor optics flashed with the intensity of small suns. The bright lights shrunk to become the pupil of the eye-like optic. As her optics powered-up, several on-screen pop-ups covered her vision, letting her scroll through the status of her jets, weaponry, energy, and armor. Everything was perfect, running like the well-oiled machine she was.

Then her audios activated. They detected quick heartbeats and quiet breaths. But the pop-up windows covered her visual feed. She wanted them to clear out. With that single thought, the status boxes gently faded away. Airazor got the impression of stainless steel and towering piles of papers, before something a foot shorter than her began talking in a loud voice.

“Lady and gentlemen, Airazor is now activated,” the small thing said, its voice colored with pride. It turned it’s head to look into Airazor’s face.

=========
Well written. In fact, so far, there’s only two things I can even assert with any kind of certainty. In the first sentence “Airazor” should be “Airazor’s” since this is a reference to her possession of optics. In the last sentence “it’s” would technically mean “it is”. The possessive version of it has no apostrophe.

As for more relative concepts, in the second sentence when you say “lights”, do you mean each optic has myriads of different lights pointing in organized directions which shrink to become a pupil (like in the 2007/2009 movies), or by “lights” are you referring to both optics, which, in the previous sentence had flashed with the intensity of suns? If this is the case, then the second sentence should likely refer to “optics” and “pupils” rather than optic and pupil. Also, at that point, the word “optics” would have been used 3 times in quick succession, and even right now “optics” is used twice, and “optic” is used once. So you may wish to find some synonyms or work around mention the optics. And yet, thinking about that myself, it seems using “optics” repetitively is necessary to establish subjects since you are differentiating between lights and pupils, and starting new sentences. Hmm… maybe it isn’t bad to repeat after all. Well, if you’re happy with it, there you go.
=========

A small red target circle roamed over the organic’s face, blinked green, and a sidebar on her vision popped-up. Airazor’s attention was captivated as the new window began a slow scroll through a Wikipedia page of a organic being called Doctor Robert Jacobson. With sudden understanding, Airazor knew that Jacobson was the human standing in front of her, presenting her to four other organics. Each time she focused on one of the other organics faces, the sidebar displayed information of each. The organic with sunglasses and dark skin was called James McGannon, the older gentleman was called Wickard Haley, the other man, who looked uncomfortable in his suit, was Captain William Lennox, and the woman was named Alahondra Grayson.

Haley beamed, like a small child, clapped his gnarled hands together, before Airazor had so much have moved. “I knew you were the correct choice to lead this Project,” he said happily. Airazor noted with interest that this human held most of the controlling interest of the company NECo, the company that also employed Jacobson.

“Thank you, Sir,” Jacobson replied modestly, waving a hand. Then he turned to Airazor and said, “Airazor, step forward.”

Airazor’s optics shut briefly off, then restarted, her form of blinking. It cooled down the delicate wiring receiving and interpreting the images from her optics. Then she commanded her left leg to move forward. With silent hydraulics and pistons, Airazor took her first step forward. Without falling, too.

McGannon found Haley’s earlier glee infectious and soon he was smiling like a loon too. It was a magical moment. As a member of the board of directors, he had been present for the unveiling of the Xenomorphs. That was unnerving. This was exhilarating. It could be compared to waking up on Christmas to find that the cookies were eaten, the milk glass drained, and the stockings filled.

=========
In the first sentence, I think you can replace the comma between “face” and “blinked” with an “and”. While you do use “and” very soon afterwards, that “and” specifies the beginning of a new independent clause, while the “and” I suggest merely allows for the flow of a list (i.e. roamed and blinked), so both “ands” can be included without interrupting the flow of the sentence. It actually becomes necessary then to include since right now you have a list of predicates (roaming and blinking) without a conjunction.

The “a” before “organic” in the second sentence should be “an”. I think “the sidebar displayed information of each” should either be “the information of each” or “information on each” (personally, I prefer the second possibility).

“Haley beamed, like a small child, clapped his gnarled hands together…” either needs the the comma between “beamed” and “like” removed and then needs the addition of “and” before “clapped”, or needs an “and” before the comma between “beamed” like a small child. Whichever change you use depends on whether you are saying Haley beamed like a small child or he clapped his hands like a small child. Aditionally, the comma before “before” is not necessary, and that part of the sentence should read “before Airazor had so much as moved”.

Dialogue from a new speaker always requires the start of a new paragraph, so “I knew you were the correct…” should be a new paragraph.

At any rate, some cool things going on- awesome explanation on why the optics blink. I was literally asking myself as I was reading that part why they need to do that, and then I was like… “oh. That makes sense.” The Xenomoprh reference is simultaneously funny to think of even ever having occurred, and gives an interesting development to the extents the company is willing to go in it’s scientific endeavors. Assuming I’m thinking of the same Xenomorphs as you, it’s also ironic to think that one of the biggest problems in the Aliens movies was human bureaucratic meddling which caused various crews horrible circumstances simply because the “company” wanted an alien to run tests on. And according to your story, this company was just able to make one. Without all the death. Good Christmas analogy too.
=========

Jacobson noticed the positive reactions from his audience and decided to push his luck. Gambling that Lennox would like to be reassured of the NBE’s defensive capability, he commanded, “Airazor, locate and neutralize the automated defenses in the lab.” Jacobson spoke upward, to the ceiling, “Sentinel, online. Destroy non-biological life form.”

The newborn NBE nodded tersely, lowering her stance into a defensive position. Ceiling and wall panels slid back and double barreled guns on retractable arms slid out. The slack guns suddenly jerked alive, aiming their barrels at Airazor.

Airazor’s helm swung back and forth, like a trapped animal. Sentinel, the security system, fired stun charges at her. A flight tutorial scrolled across her vision. Leaping up into the air, Airazor’s jets powered, lifting her free of the line of fire. The shots dissipated against the steel wall where Airazor was moments ago. She laughed, two miniature guns popping out from gauntlets on her wrists. Two small torpedoes exploded on impact, knocking one gun offline. She was untouchable, dancing and twirling out of harm’s way and one by one, Sentinal’s defensive system was crippled.

“Sentinel, power down and repair,” Jacobson ordered. The open panels slid shut, hiding the guns from sight.

Lennox smiled reassuringly at Jacobson, “I’m happy to see she can take of herself.”

For Jacobson, that was a double win. Lennox approved, which was important- Lennox was influential in the Air Force and Airazor would be flying American airspace- and he got that Airazor was indeed a female specimen. Jacobson beemed again.

“I thought you said it couldn’t use its weaponry,” Grayson quipped, her steely eyes hardening behind her glasses.

“Today I received special clearance for this demonstration,” Jacobson said patiently, even that sourpuss couldn’t dampen his spirits. Airazor landed gently behind her creator, her jets cutting off quietly.

“And what an excellent one it has been,” Haley put it, before Grayson could retort. He began a slow clap for Jacobson, and McGannon and Lennox joined him.

Jacobson grinned like the Cheshire cat, grasping Airazor’s hand and pulling her forward. “To the Age of Transformers!”

***
=========
For “and one by one, Sentinal’s defensive system was crippled”, you might need to say that the guns on Sentinal’s defensive system were crippled. One by one needs to refer to items which there are multiples of, but Sentinal is one system. So the system itself and not be shut down one by one.

“I’m happy to see she can take care of herself” might need to be a new paragraph, as it is new dialogue. But then, maybe you could simply say “Lennox smiled reassuringly at Jacobson and said ‘I’m happy…” You did use this technique earlier in this section with “Gambling that Lennox would like to be reassured of the NBE’s defensive capability, he commanded, ‘Airazor…”, after all, and I thought it was o.k. to do it then. I guess I’m a bit unknowledgeable about dialogue paragraphs.

“Beemed” should be “beamed”, and I think the comma after “Jacobson said patiently” should be a period instead because “even that sourpuss couldn’t dampen his spirits” is an independent clause, and should probably be a new sentence.

And, again, I think “To the Age of Transformers” should be it’s own paragraph, even though it is relatively obvious that Jacobson is the one speaking.
=========

Airazor was the perfect choice for introducing Project NBE to the public. She was good-tempered, patient, and her voice was like Morgan Freeman’s- people could listen to it and be reassured. The people of America soon recognized Airazor as a superhero. But just like the Spiderman movies entailed, Airazor’s introduction was marred by slandering news reporters and vicious political leaders. All of them claimed Airazor was an abomination and technology should be forwarded to help avert global warming, not to create ‘useless’ toys.

Jacobson took care of public relations, assuring Airazor that she just had to follow orders; he would take care of the rest.

So that’s what Airazor was doing this particular afternoon. She was cruising over Seattle, Washington, occasionally tuning into the police radio frequency. Airazor would sometimes make an appearance and help out the local law enforcement, but Jacobson said not to try and help out with every single problem. Be seen helping out with the big stuff, not the minorities.

This is Unit 3, checking in. Citizen has scaled to the top of the Space Needle. We are awaiting fire department assistance. Airazor’s commlink clicked off as Unit 3 finished their report. She was torn, even if she didn’t have a spark. Seattle was one of the most depressed cities in the country, so this must be a suicide attempt. Her heart… or programming hardened with resolve.

=========
Just stylistically speaking, the last sentence of the first paragraph uses one specific example of what technology could be applied to instead of making new toys. Using this example to show the people would have problems with her is an effective technique. However, are you saying that everybody was saying technology should be used instead to fight global warming, or are you saying that everybody who has a problem with her thought technology should be applied towards something else, such as global warming? The former is your choice to assert, if that’s what you were asserting, but to me it seems unlikely that one issue would be the most prominent to every politician (although it undeniably could be to many politicians).

Since this is written in past tense “so this must be a suicide attempt”, should probably be “so this had to have been a suicide attempt.”

And I know the italicized text in the beginning of the last paragraph represents that the police dialogue is being heard over the radio, but it is still dialogue, so I think it needs quotation marks.
=========

Diving through the clouds, Airazor shifted into her robot mode, attaining greater speed. She could see the Space Needle rushing up to meet her, and she could just make out a dark splotch on clinging to the spire of the Needle. Rain pinged off her armor as she neared the spire.

Airazor landed a little away from the organic. “What are you doing out here?” she called to the trembling, shivering figure. If the human replied, it was lost in the rain. Airazor stretched out a glove like hand to the human, who she saw was a female, just like her. The human just stared at her, like she was some sort of alien… okay, so she was technically alien- “Take my hand!” Airazor called over the wind, shaking her hand so the girl got the gist.

Below, police sirens wailed, accompanied by the deeper honking of fire trucks.

The girl tentatively took Airazor’s cool metallic hand in hers and murmured, “I live in an apartment on Cedar Street.”

“I should take you to the authorities,” Airazor replied firmly, taking a careful step forward so she wouldn’t slip off the Needle.

“I’ll jump if you don’t!” the girl threatened, yanking her hand out of Airazor’s slippery grip. Airazor’s optics flashed, just like when she had been activated. There was a long silence.

“Don’t jump. I’ll take you home,” Airazor said wearily. This was new; sure Airazor was at human intelligence, but she hadn’t been exposed to manipulation, even in this crude form.

=========
For “she could just make out a dark splotch on clinging to the spire”, I think you were originally saying “she could just make out a dark splotch on the spire”, but when you said “clinging to the spire” you didn’t remove “on”. I might be wrong about how that happened, but either way, the word “on” needs to be removed.

“What are you doing out here?” should be a new paragraph.

About the sentence “If the human replied, it was lost in the rain”, the word “it”, I assume is meant to refer to the girl’s reply, but since you introduced her reply (a noun) with “replied” (a verb), the “it” in this sentence refer back to the only noun before it in the sentence (human). The human wasn’t lost in the rain, so “it” should be replaced with, say… “the sound of her reply” or “the sound she made”.
=========

The girl smiled, lifting her chin triumphantly as Airazor took both of her wrists, then dove toward the cluster of apartment buildings on Cedar, jarring the girl a bit more than necessary as she landed on the roof. Airazor watched the girl gather her dark brown hair and wring it out. Of course, Airazor thought this was pointless- it was still pouring.

“You need therapy,” Airazor said gently, not wanting to make the girl feel threatened.

The girl let her dripping hair go, and straightened, turning to examine Airazor. A long grin was creeping onto her lips, like Airazor was some sort of special edition repaint. “I can’t believe this. I honestly cannot believe it,” the girl’s eyes shone with reverance.

“I’m sorry,” Airazor replied, lifting an optic ridge to show her confusion and questions of sanity, “Weren’t you about to jump from the Space Needle four minutes ago?”

=========
The subjects to which the verbs in the first sentence refer kinda’ get confused, so you might want to just break it up into more sentences. Like…

“The girl smiled, and lifted her chin triumphantly. Airazor took both of her wrists, then dove toward the cluster of apartment buildings on Cedar. She jarred the girl a bit more than necessary as she landed on the roof.”

“I can’t believe this.” should begin a new paragraph, and “reverance” should be spelled “reverence.”

I think in the last paragraph, the comma after “sanity” should just be a period if “Weren’t you” is meant to be a new sentence in Airazor’s dialogue, which would also mean the comma after “I’m sorry” would be unnecessary. Otherwise “Weren’t” just shouldn’t be capitalized.

Nice use of irony talking about Airazor being like a “special edition repaint.”
==========

Anyways, I’m not all that effective at pointing out stylistic and subject deficiencies. I guess the most I have to say is that I like the way you wrote this. The reactions of the humans in charge of the NBE project seem authentic and appropriate, as do your descriptions of the reactions of the public. All I might say is that, especially given the skepticism the humans showed in the first chapter of this story, you might wish to elaborate more on their distrust, especially Grayson’s. I know she spoke of the weapons, but perhaps there could be more said.

Then again, I think you’re trying to establish in this chapter that Airazor’s activation puts everyone is such a stage of wonder that skepticism didn’t really enter the minds of those present. In which case, further skepticism would defeat the purpose. You would know what you’re trying to establish best, so you decide.

As for your question about human side-kicks, it really depends on what you want the tone of this story to be. Most likely, if you want a more light-hearted story, and those moments of cultural in-congruency are the main reasons you want to write this story, then go with the side-kicks. But if you want a more serious story about war and conflict, and finding one’s place in the world, etc. then side-kicks might get in the way. Of course, you could actually combine elements. Perhaps those moments where Transformers are confused about human customs, and even things like toasters, could highlight the idea of how out place the Transformers are in this world (if you wish to say they are out of place. Perhaps you wish to say they are not at all). In this case, making potentially humorous scenes sad might be more effective, but then, being funny might work to. I guess it all depends on what you want out of the story, and then out of individual moments. A funny story can have serious moments, and a serious story can have funny moments, so having human side-kicks could work either way. So could not having them.

I guess I’ve just said “well you could go either way” when you want to know which way to go. I will say this- human sidekicks do lend more towards a humorous outlook, but don’t be afraid of using them, even if you want a more serious story. I’m sure you could make them work in correctly, and I get the feeling you wanted those moments of interaction, so I say go for it.

[Joshin Yasha]

*looks really pathetic, but appreciates Blazemane's response* I *swear* I didn't forget! I've just been under a heavy work load that I didn't anticipate *le sigh*

I'll still give my input eventually, if you'd like, Tor!

[Tor]

Hey Blaze, I have to thank you SO much for reviewing this. And Joshin, I would absolutely LOVE your input to. I'll be making up my edits and re-submitting that stub later, hopefully with some more meat on its bones. Lookit that use of 'its'!

Perhaps once Joshin gets her review up, I'll be submitting another fic bout Christmas. Oh, yes indeed!

[Joshin Yasha]

On the plus side, Tor, I'm free for Christmas break after Thursday This is gonna be one of the first things I sit down with when I finish up University

[Joshin Yasha]

First off, Tor, I wish to apologize that this took me so long to go through. Christmas break ended up being chaotic with no motivation for anything. Although I finally had some time tonight (with the urge to write/edit) and made myself go through this with a fine-tooth comb and finish it for you. I hope that you can still use this in conjunction with Blazemane's edit, and that it helps you with your NBE series

=============

Airazor optics flashed with the intensity of small suns. The bright lights shrunk to become the pupil of the eye-like optic. As her optics powered-up, several on-screen pop-ups covered her vision, letting her scroll through the status of her jets, weaponry, energy, and armor. Everything was perfect, running like the well-oiled machine she was.

Then her audios activated. They detected quick heartbeats and quiet breaths. But the pop-up windows covered her visual feed. She wanted them to clear out. With that single thought, the status boxes gently faded away. Airazor got the impression of stainless steel and towering piles of papers, before something a foot shorter than her began talking in a loud voice.

“Lady and gentlemen, Airazor is now activated,” the small thing said, its voice colored with pride. It turned it’s head to look into Airazor’s face.

=============
I know you already made a note of it, but some beginning reminders for WW101: “it’s” is “it is” where as “its” is a possessive for an “it.” Some small grammatical errors exist for possessive forms, numbers agreement, random commas, etc . . . The first use of Airazor’s name should be “Airazor’s optic,” and “bright lights” doesn’t agree numerically with “pupil.” WW101 tip 2: use transition words, not only do they allow the transition from topic to topic, paragraph to paragraph, but also sentence to sentence. You have many sentences that simply jump one right into the next, so you need to add transitions to smoothen the flow.

Other than that, the imagery is pretty good, but some areas could use some work to show more details. It looks, so far, like your goal is to portray the events going on around Airazor through her perceptions, so since she’s just been ‘born,’ it would be better to describe things more, and then show how she knows what they are. Also, as she is a machine, it might even be fun for you to play around with her learning curve. For example:

The light was unbearable, burning with the intensity of dwarf stars. Then, they contracted to become the pupils of mechanical eyes, purposefully darting to and fro. As the machine became sentient and aware, its eyes began to register the diagnostic screens that were plastered across its field of vision. Each window screen contained schematics for a humanoid figure; instantly, it became aware of its body, and instinctually the window screens began scrolling data. Key words began to highlight, such as “jets,” “weaponry,” energy,” and “armour,” words that had no meaning to the machine for one moment, and then were instantly understood the next.

The perfect condition of the machine was emphasized by the numbers (“numbers - figures for systematic representation of multiple things, ex. One, Two, Three…” flashed not across the machine’s vision, but instead through its core processor, which signified the subconscious that already knew these things) that blinked next to each schematic. The machine read another word across the chart, and solely by processing the word “audios” its exterior receptors activated, almost as if to emphasis the definition provided by its core processor. What the machine heard was buh-bum, buh-bum, tic-tock, tic-tock, ffhhh hhhuuu, ffhhh hhhuuu, ffhhh hhhuuu, ffhhh hhhuuu…

Although the density of the window screens clouded its vision, the machine began to slowly force them to fade away. The image that met its mechanical eyes, however, confused it further – an act that coincided with processing the stacks of papers (“paper – thin, flat surface made from processed wood, designed to be written upon” flashed briefly through its processor) and steel-grade walls.

A pink, shorter someone greeted the machine’s view. “Ladies and gentlemen,” a distinctly registered male voice boomed with pride in its audios, “I present to you, Airazor!”

The machine – Airazor – yes. It was Airazor. The machine had a name, and it was Airazor.

=============

A small red target circle roamed over the organic’s face, blinked green, and a sidebar on her vision popped-up. Airazor’s attention was captivated as the new window began a slow scroll through a Wikipedia page of a organic being called Doctor Robert Jacobson. With sudden understanding, Airazor knew that Jacobson was the human standing in front of her, presenting her to four other organics. Each time she focused on one of the other organics faces, the sidebar displayed information of each. The organic with sunglasses and dark skin was called James McGannon, the older gentleman was called Wickard Haley, the other man, who looked uncomfortable in his suit, was Captain William Lennox, and the woman was named Alahondra Grayson.

Haley beamed, like a small child, clapped his gnarled hands together, before Airazor had so much have moved. “I knew you were the correct choice to lead this Project,” he said happily. Airazor noted with interest that this human held most of the controlling interest of the company NECo, the company that also employed Jacobson.

“Thank you, Sir,” Jacobson replied modestly, waving a hand. Then he turned to Airazor and said, “Airazor, step forward.”

=============

Some minor grammatical errors again, but nothing big. For instance, “of a organic being” should be “of an organic being.” In general, and while I’m thinking of it (something for everyone to consider) – commas! Commas are a big thing, too, especially when it comes to descriptions. I was always raised that when you have more than two words describing something, you need to separate the qualifiers with commas. For example, “The big bouncy red ball” should technically be written as “The big, bouncy, red ball.” Now, if you only had two, such as above in your fic with “A small red target” then you can leave it without using commas.

Thumbs up for using that last comma in items in a series. I was always taught it’s “comma comma comma/AND” whereas some simply put “comma comma AND.” I’m a fan of using semicolons in place of commas when it’s complete clauses being listed. Personally, I think you could have used semicolons instead while listing the characters, and it would have structurally been just as sound, if not easier, to read.

Now, for the part where you get a little comma happy. “Haley beamed, like a small child, clapped his gnarled hands together, before Airazor had so much have moved.” Grammatically, this is a bad sentence; it needs two commas removed, a change from “have” to “as,” and a conjunction added. It should read: “Haley beamed like a small child, and (you could also use “then” here) clapped his gnarled hands together before Airazor had so much [as] moved.”

=============

Airazor’s optics shut briefly off, then restarted, her form of blinking. It cooled down the delicate wiring receiving and interpreting the images from her optics. Then she commanded her left leg to move forward. With silent hydraulics and pistons, Airazor took her first step forward. Without falling, too.

McGannon found Haley’s earlier glee infectious and soon he was smiling like a loon too. It was a magical moment. As a member of the board of directors, he had been present for the unveiling of the Xenomorphs. That was unnerving. This was exhilarating. It could be compared to waking up on Christmas to find that the cookies were eaten, the milk glass drained, and the stockings filled.

Jacobson noticed the positive reactions from his audience and decided to push his luck. Gambling that Lennox would like to be reassured of the NBE’s defensive capability, he commanded, “Airazor, locate and neutralize the automated defenses in the lab.” Jacobson spoke upward, to the ceiling, “Sentinel, online. Destroy non-biological life form.”

=============

The first paragraph here has some good imagery, and the only thing I see that could be better is if some of these sentences were compound to remove the choppiness of the paragraph. In the next paragraph, I'm slightly confused by your use of "unnerving" and "exhilarating." You seem to imply that the unveiling was past tense by saying "that was unnerving," but then you add "this was exhilarating" in the present tense. Do you mean that the unveiling was a separate event from the one currently taking place? Also, this is the first time you use "NBE," so maybe specify that it stands for "Non-Biological Entity" in a way that explains the abbreviation, such as saying ". . . would like to be reassured of the Non-Biological Entity's (NBE for short) defensive capability . . .".

The last paragraph here is pretty good on its own.

=============

The newborn NBE nodded tersely, lowering her stance into a defensive position. Ceiling and wall panels slid back and double barreled guns on retractable arms slid out. The slack guns suddenly jerked alive, aiming their barrels at Airazor.

Airazor’s helm swung back and forth, like a trapped animal. Sentinel, the security system, fired stun charges at her. A flight tutorial scrolled across her vision. Leaping up into the air, Airazor’s jets powered, lifting her free of the line of fire. The shots dissipated against the steel wall where Airazor was moments ago. She laughed, two miniature guns popping out from gauntlets on her wrists. Two small torpedoes exploded on impact, knocking one gun offline. She was untouchable, dancing and twirling out of harm’s way and one by one, Sentinal’s defensive system was crippled.

“Sentinel, power down and repair,” Jacobson ordered. The open panels slid shut, hiding the guns from sight.

=============

Why is Sentinel only firing stun charges if it was ordered to destroy the non-biological life form? Perhaps switching one or the other claims so that they are in agreement with the action being taken. Maybe say "Sentinel, online. Neutralize non-biological entity" to coincide with the stun charges.

=============

Lennox smiled reassuringly at Jacobson, “I’m happy to see she can take of herself.”

For Jacobson, that was a double win. Lennox approved, which was important- Lennox was influential in the Air Force and Airazor would be flying American airspace- and he got that Airazor was indeed a female specimen. Jacobson beemed again.

“I thought you said it couldn’t use its weaponry,” Grayson quipped, her steely eyes hardening behind her glasses.

“Today I received special clearance for this demonstration,” Jacobson said patiently, even that sourpuss couldn’t dampen his spirits. Airazor landed gently behind her creator, her jets cutting off quietly.

“And what an excellent one it has been,” Haley put it, before Grayson could retort. He began a slow clap for Jacobson, and McGannon and Lennox joined him.

Jacobson grinned like the Cheshire cat, grasping Airazor’s hand and pulling her forward. “To the Age of Transformers!”

=============

"Haley put it" is the only thing I'm having trouble following here. What did he "put," exactly?

=============

***

Airazor was the perfect choice for introducing Project NBE to the public. She was good-tempered, patient, and her voice was like Morgan Freeman’s- people could listen to it and be reassured. The people of America soon recognized Airazor as a superhero. But just like the Spiderman movies entailed, Airazor’s introduction was marred by slandering news reporters and vicious political leaders. All of them claimed Airazor was an abomination and technology should be forwarded to help avert global warming, not to create ‘useless’ toys.

Jacobson took care of public relations, assuring Airazor that she just had to follow orders; he would take care of the rest.

So that’s what Airazor was doing this particular afternoon. She was cruising over Seattle, Washington, occasionally tuning into the police radio frequency. Airazor would sometimes make an appearance and help out the local law enforcement, but Jacobson said not to try and help out with every single problem. Be seen helping out with the big stuff, not the minorities.

=============

The first paragraph is interesting for an introduction to the public's response, however you do make a lot of cultural references (i.e. Morgan Freeman, Spiderman movies, etc . . .) which some people may not understand. The third paragraph here also uses the phrasing "not the minorities," and that reads as if he were telling Airazor to not help out Hispanic, African-American, or other foreigner subcultures that have since intermingled with the population. Maybe rephrase as "Airazor had heard the lecture several times now: 'Be seen helping out with the larger problems – don't try to make a show of helping out with every small problem that you come across.' "

=============

This is Unit 3, checking in. Citizen has scaled to the top of the Space Needle. We are awaiting fire department assistance. Airazor’s commlink clicked off as Unit 3 finished their report. She was torn, even if she didn’t have a spark. Seattle was one of the most depressed cities in the country, so this must be a suicide attempt. Her heart… or programming hardened with resolve.

Diving through the clouds, Airazor shifted into her robot mode, attaining greater speed. She could see the Space Needle rushing up to meet her, and she could just make out a dark splotch on clinging to the spire of the Needle. Rain pinged off her armor as she neared the spire.

Airazor landed a little away from the organic. “What are you doing out here?” she called to the trembling, shivering figure. If the human replied, it was lost in the rain. Airazor stretched out a glove like hand to the human, who she saw was a female, just like her. The human just stared at her, like she was some sort of alien… okay, so she was technically alien- “Take my hand!” Airazor called over the wind, shaking her hand so the girl got the gist.

=============

You switch between "heart" and "spark" in the first paragraph, or at least they seem a bit out of place in the reference you're trying to make. Maybe use "heart" in the first instance ("She was torn, even if she didn't have a heart . . .") and spark in the second sentence ("Her spark . . . or at least her programming, hardened with resolve.").

The second paragraph has an extra "on" in the second sentence. Third paragraph should have "glove like" as a hyphenated word. Also it's a bit confusing as to who's doing the actions in that same sentence. Is it Airazor making the presumption that the human girl is female, or is it the girl making the assertion about Airazor?

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Below, police sirens wailed, accompanied by the deeper honking of fire trucks.

The girl tentatively took Airazor’s cool metallic hand in hers and murmured, “I live in an apartment on Cedar Street.”

“I should take you to the authorities,” Airazor replied firmly, taking a careful step forward so she wouldn’t slip off the Needle.

“I’ll jump if you don’t!” the girl threatened, yanking her hand out of Airazor’s slippery grip. Airazor’s optics flashed, just like when she had been activated. There was a long silence.

“Don’t jump. I’ll take you home,” Airazor said wearily. This was new; sure Airazor was at human intelligence, but she hadn’t been exposed to manipulation, even in this crude form.

=============

Something about this section could use some more details, whether in description of the police cars and fire trucks. Maybe add some information about the policemen and firemen scurrying around, yelling orders to one another, and contemplating the giant inflatable pillow that common sense knows won't save a person from as high up as the girl is on the Space Needle.

With Airazor, you may want to add more insight into her first experience with manipulation – another case of "show, don't tell."

=============

The girl smiled, lifting her chin triumphantly as Airazor took both of her wrists, then dove toward the cluster of apartment buildings on Cedar, jarring the girl a bit more than necessary as she landed on the roof. Airazor watched the girl gather her dark brown hair and wring it out. Of course, Airazor thought this was pointless- it was still pouring.

“You need therapy,” Airazor said gently, not wanting to make the girl feel threatened.

The girl let her dripping hair go, and straightened, turning to examine Airazor. A long grin was creeping onto her lips, like Airazor was some sort of special edition repaint. “I can’t believe this. I honestly cannot believe it,” the girl’s eyes shone with reverance.

“I’m sorry,” Airazor replied, lifting an optic ridge to show her confusion and questions of sanity, “Weren’t you about to jump from the Space Needle four minutes ago?”

=============

You may want to reiterate that "the rain was still pouring" rather than repeating a second "it" that hasn't been justified for several paragraphs now. ". . . and questions of sanity" doesn't read right to me. Maybe end the sentence after "confusion" and start a new sentence to build on Airazor's observations of the human girl.

Also, a minor spelling error: it's "reverence."