A Confusing Dimension

Me: Just a short fic my characters asked me to write on their behalf so they can express their grief of being stuck in my ‘ghastly mind’, as I quote from Optimus. This fic may be disturbing to sane viewers! It’s really weird. It’s a day in the life for my characters to be inside the constantly busy mind of mine. I’m either focusing on Beast Wars, my next fic, Formula One or most recently, Elijah Wood. (Abbreviation – EW). Elijah’s an actor, in case you’re wondering.

Oh and, when you come across Bad Idea Studio (Weird name, I know) don’t worry about it. It’s another obsession of mine that I haven’t yet exposed on the Internet. Bad Idea basically is everything to do with Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, an egg called Jamie and a 70’s band called Supertramp. I’ll explain one day.

Rattrap: Oh, yeah. Right. Of Sapphire? I mean, sure characters livin’ in da minds of Beast Wars writers have their fare share of freakiness. Like when a writer has a brainstorm and goes through all dese scenes his or her characters are gonna be in. We have to act dat out, you know! One time Sapphire was considering killing me!

Sapphire: Yeah, you got blown up on a mine but died slowly and Tourmaline only arrived when you were on your last gasp! Heh heh!

Rattrap: Yeah, and I felt da pain! Dank goodness you decided not ta use dat idea before I crossed over into da other world! Anyways, dis fic is a desperate attempt to show readers out dere what it’s like ta be stuck in da mind of not only a Beast Wars fan, but a Formula One and…*cough* Elijah Wood fan as well! You know we hear about dat guy 24-7?

Sapphire: So what if I like him? He’s dreamy, good- looking, sensitive, caring-

Rattrap: See what I mean?! Anyway, let’s get on wid’ da fic, in which we were all in a dream Sapphire had recently. Read it and weep. For us!

Scene: It’s 2pm and three characters are sitting in my lounge. My lounge is an open plan lounge. You see it as you walk in the front door. Dead ahead of you is a couch (A) facing a TV against the wall. To the left of this couch there is another couch (B) but it is turned so it’s facing inwards with one side to the TV. Opposite this couch, there’s another couch (C), so it’s in a kind of square formation. There’s a table [] in the center.

Dinobot is sitting on couch C, reading a newspaper. Joe is sitting on couch B reading a magazine. Rattrap is sitting on couch A glaring at couch C.

Dinobot looks up irritably as he senses he’s being stared (or rather glared) at and frowns at Rattrap.

Rattrap: You. I’m contemplating on how a bot could possibly be as ugly as you. And you’ve sat on a lump of cheese I left on dat couch.

Dinobot’s eyes widen and he gets up to discover he’s helped imbed a yellow blotch into the red couch. He sighs, tears a piece of newspaper and puts a sheet over the blotch. He glances at Rattrap.

Dinobot: I shall proceed to sit unless you would like your cheese now? Soft and warm?

Just then there’s a loud grumbling noise coming from outside. To the right of the TV there’s two big glass doors leading out onto a veranda, which overlooks the garden. Dinobot and Rattrap (not Joe, he’s too absorbed in his Men’s Health magazine to look up) look through the glass doors curiously.

The noise grows alarmingly louder and has a rising high-pitched scream to it. At first, neither knew what it was, and then Rattrap realised with a groan.

Rattrap: Cover yer ears! It’s another Formula One car on its way through da garden again! From da sound of the engine and at da rate it’s getting’ closer, I reckon it’s a BMW Williams.

Dinobot: Yes, indeed she’s dreaming about Formula One again, but my bet is that it’s a McLaren Mercedes. I’ve heard them often enough going through this garden in her dreams to be able to tell.

The noise is beginning to drown out their conversation. Joe sticks his fingers in his ears and carries on reading.

Dinobot nods. Both block their ears and gaze through the window. The noise gets louder and louder until there’s a flash of white and a bit of black as the car flies past and disappears in the distance. Both unplug their ears and look at each other.

Joe: They’re both white and black cars and it’s going at over 250 kilometers an hour. How can you tell?

Dinobot: Well you’re in no position to say anything. The extreme loudness of the car driving past has cracked your reading glasses.

Rattrap: I didn’t even realise ya had glasses on. I’ve neva seen dem on ya!

Joe says bitterly: I got them yesterday. I think my sight started to fade after the seventeenth explosion in Sapphire’s Uprising series.

Rattrap: Shame. New glasses an’ now ya have ta buy another pair. Tisk tisk. And you’re gonna look like a nerd!

Dinobot: Exactly. Although there’s a little bit here about Bad Idea Studio! Apparently Paul McCartney made a number four on the charts of Thailand.

Suddenly the front door behind Rattrap opens and light pours into the room. All three of them look up and instantly sigh and moan.

Standing there is Sapphire, with her arm around Elijah Wood, who looks particularly nervous.

Joe: Look what the thing dragged in; another victim of her twisted obsession. Welcome to hell, Elijah.

Sapphire: Don’t tease him just because he likes Star Wars! I think it’s a great game.

Rattrap: Yeah, dat’s why you’ve never watched any Star Wars movies.

Sapphire: I have! Um, just a long time ago. Anyway, Elijah, that’s Darth- I mean, Rattrap sitting over there. That’s Dinobot reading the newspaper. They’re both transformers from a show called Beast Wars.

Elijah nods as he vaguely remembers that transformers were big, a few years ago.

Sapphire: And that there is Joe. He’s a disgusting human character I made up for my series coz I got bored one day.

Sapphire: No! I have to give you a tour of the place. Afterwards I was thinking we could go down to the Realm of Insanity. Of course I’d have to ask Lady Dementia if she’ll mind a non-writer, non-transformer in the bar but I’m sure she can make an exception.

Dinobot to Rattrap: Elijah’s looking awfully pale. Is he always like that?

Sapphire gives Elijah a big kiss on the cheek and drags him down the passageway and begins a tour of her house.

Rattrap: So am I, but danks ta big butt over dere I’ve got no cheese left!

Dinobot: Well maybe you should store your nutrients in the refrigerator and not on the couch for ‘big butt’s’ to sit on!

Rattrap: Have ya seen da refrigerator lately? It’s stacked wid’ raw meat for you ta devour! You’re such a porker!

Dinobot: Let me remind you that I am not the only consumer of meat here. There’s Cheetor, Sapphire’s father, the cat and when Primal’s feeling carnivorous….

Joe: Look outside. There’s a F1 driver coming to pick up a piece of his car that must’ve come off when he drove past.

Both turn their heads to see what colour fire-proof suit the driver’s wearing to define whether he’s from McLaren or Williams.

Dinobot: Peculiar how so many Formula One cars are white these days, isn’t it?

Sapphire: Have any of you seen Elijah? I seem to have lost him somewhere between my sister’s bathroom and my mom’s room.

Rattrap: Poor guy probably made a run for it when you were talking about how ya bought a fluffy cover for yer sista’s toilet seat

Sapphire: It concerns all of you, Disney World, Michael Schumacher, Elijah Wood and Paul McCartney’s number four in Thailand!

Rattrap: Yep. Dis is a day in da life of a transformer inside da mind of Te-, I mean Sapphire. Da moral of da story: Help me!