Back to Lone Fan Fiction page

Watch the Water in Venice!

“You’re not paddling!”

“I am!”

There was a pause.

“Yes, you are.  Then why are we going so slowly?”

Elijah sighed and glanced at Sapphire.  They were rowing a small boat alongside the many buildings that surrounded the waters of Venice.

Elijah:  Maybe it’s because the water here is so darn polluted!”

Sapphire:  Oh Elijah, look past the many cans of waste and unidentifiable floating objects, and try and feel the romance about the place.

Elijah: I consider myself a romantic guy, but this?  This is just not doing it for me.

Sapphire smiled and ignored him and tried to appreciate the prettiness of the surroundings.  The buildings were fairly nice and the sun was beginning to peep through the clouds.  It was quite early in the morning and there wasn’t much traffic, on land or in the canals.

Eventually, she steered the boat right and parked it in front of a tall, red building.

Elijah:  God!  My arms!

Sapphire: Well, we’re finally here.  Kewl, Dark, Blaze and Lady V are inside this building, or at least they should be.

Elijah: What is it?

Sapphire: It’s an art gallery, but I hear it has some beautiful pieces and is worth a look at.

Elijah:  Are Rampage and Rattrap coming?

Sapphire: Yeah, so?

Elijah: Are you positive those two will appreciate…art?

Sapphire: There’s only one way to find out!  Now, how to get off this thing without standing in some of this water….

Elijah sweeps Sapphire off her feet, makes a jump, lands on the shore and gracefully puts her down.

Sapphire: Why, Elijah!  That was so romantic!  I mean, that was-

Elijah: Don’t push it. 

Sapphire shuts up and the two of them enter the building.

As expected, Kewl, Dark and Blaze are there, as well as Rattrap, Dinobot and Joe. But where is Lady Venom and Rampage?

Sapphire asks just this and this is the reply she got from Solar Blaze:

Solar Blaze: Well, to cut a long story short, Rampage heard a man talking about and interesting piece of artwork down the hall and to the right called ‘The Crab’.  Rampage, being hasty as always, ran down the hall to go and see this artwork.  Now, Lady Venom being as knowledgeable as she is on art---

Sapphire:  She is?  Really?

Solar Blaze:  Well, she actually read about the art on the pamphlet you get at the entrance.

Sapphire: Oh.

Solar Blaze: Anyway, she knew that ‘The Crab’ was actually a collage using real bits of crab shell to make up this abstract crab.  She tried to stop Rampage from seeing it, but….

Darkfire:  She was too late.

Sapphire:  Then what happened?

Kewl Gurl: There was a blood-curling scream, he fainted and presently she’s fanning him and splashing him with tap water in the ladies restroom.

Rattrap: I sure hope he didn’t drink dat water!

Dinobot: Why?

Rattrap:  I could barely stomach it, an’ dat’s saying a lot!

Sapphire:  Is the tap water here really that bad?

Elijah goes pale and looks worried.

Kewl: Naw, Rattrap just drank the tap water from the drain AFTER it’s been used.

Everyone rolls his or her eyes and sighs and Rattrap goes: What!  What?!

They decide to proceed and look at some of the artwork.  They go down the first hallway, and are amazed at some of the beautiful land scape pictures, then they take a left turn and walk down a hallway with it’s walls covered with paintings.  They very quickly go down the third hallway (mainly because it consisted of nudes, mind you, they lost Rattrap somewhere in that section) and entered the fourth hallway where they stopped for a rest on a bench.

Elijah:  God! My legs!

Joe:  Do they have hamburgers here?

Solar Blaze:  Hamburgers?  Goodness, you’re all the way in Venice, can’t you think of something else other than hamburgers?  Besides, maybe you should try some of the food they eat here.

Joe:  Geez, who’s moody?

Solar Blaze:  Turtle’s guarding my boat outside, but Hamster’s there as well and I’m sure that he wouldn’t mind coming in to see a bit-

Joe:  Okay, okay!  I’ll stop moaning.

Kewl Gurl is musing over a portrait of an ‘extremely hot guy’, even though he was painted last century, and Darkfire is examining a sculpture titled: ‘Le Chien’,

Which is of a little dog with an extremely large, pussy, cancerous lump on his right foreleg.  It was done by a French artist who had dedicated it to all the poor dogs who had died of large, pussy lumps on any of their legs.

Darkfire gets up from her hunched position over the sculpture.

Darkfire:  Reminds me of Rattrap after he got hit by that ball at the baseball game he and Dinobot played last week.

Dinobot bursts out into a series of hisses, splutters and growls which can be interpreted as laughter.  He eventually contains himself and grins.

Dinobot:  Sorry.  But I enjoyed that mistake.

Joe: You really suck at baseball, Dinobot.

Dinobot:  You try holding small bat with these infernal claws?

Solar Blaze giggles and both turn and look at her.  Dinobot’s irritated glare softens as he decides to save it for when Rattrap comes back from wandering through the third hallway.

Suddenly, there it a shout from the end of the hallway.  There is Lady Venom, walking slowly towards them, looking tired and worn.

Sapphire:  Hey Lady V!  Where’s Rampage?

Lady Venom:  He jumped in.

Sapphire: Jumped in where?

Lady Venom:  In the water. He said this place was like a tomb.

Elijah: He jumped in that water?  Ewwwww….

Sapphire:  How so?

Lady Venom:  We passed a shrimp takeaway on the way back from the restroom.

Kewl Gurl snorts and Darkfire laughs loudly.

Lady Venom glares at them, and then breaks into a smile.

Lady Venom:  I’m free!

There is a sudden eruption from Solar Blaze and they all walk over to see what artwork has made her so pleased.

Solar Blaze:  My goodness!  It’s Megatron!  I swear that’s Megatron!

On a stand in front of her there is a roman type figure sculpture that looks remarkably like season two Megatron.

There is a silence before someone speaks.

Dinobot: I thought this was a place of tasteful artwork.

Darkfire:  Who’s the artist?

Solar Blaze:  His name’s…oh, good gracious.  His name’s Inferno and it’s titled 'In Honour of the Queen’.

Joe:  Looks like Inferno’s got talent.

Elijah:  No kidding.

They finally leave the art gallery and are paddling quietly down a rather empty canal when Sapphire pipes up.

Sapphire:  Why don’t we have a boat race?  Two per boat!

Solar Blaze and Darkfire shrug, but Kewl and Lady V look quite excited to do it.

Solar Blaze:  Sure, why not?

Sapphire: Okay, how many are there of us?  Well, including Turtle and Hamster, there are eleven, but I think because of their incredible strength and amazing wit, we should exclude them, because they’ll beat us for sure.  I mean, they have brute force on their side!

Solar Blaze:  I agree. Hamster doesn’t like paddling as it is, so he wouldn’t agree to a race anyway.  Hamsters can’t swim.

Joe:  I know.  I learnt the hard way with Bob.

Everyone stares at Joe and blinks, before Sapphire speaks.

Sapphire:  Okay, choose a partner!

Lady Venom:  But there are nine of us!

Dinobot: Don’t worry, I’ll sit out seeing as I also have brute strength on my side.

Rattrap: Don’t flatter yourself, Scales.

Dinobot fires that glare he’s been saving at Rattrap, who tried to match it but fails.

Sapphire:  Fine, then Dinobot can run ahead and mark the finish line.

Dinobot jogs off until he is only a speck.  He stops and shows them a thumb's up.

Sapphire: Right.  Get into pairs.

Kewl Gurl and Dark share a boat, Sapphire shares one with Elijah, who protests but is again ignored, Lady Venom share’s one with Rattrap and poor Solar Blaze has to share one with Joe.  As she steps into the boat, Joe mutters: “Oh brother.”

Solar Blaze hears this, glowers at him, glances at a ready and waiting turtle (who’s been appointed life guard in case anything happens) and then back at Joe.  Joe hastily takes up a paddle and flashes a forced smile at Solar Blaze.  She grins and takes up a paddle too.

Hamster:  On your marks!

Elijah: I’m going to be real mad if I pull a muscle, Sapphire!

Hamster:  Get set!

Kewl Gurl:  Hey, did Brad Pitt just walk past?!

Darkfire:  Kewl!  Concentrate!

Hamster:  GO!!

In a rush of water, the race begins and Lady Venom and Rattrap are first away.

Everyone madly starts to paddle and soon Dark and Kewl are right beside the leaders.  Behind them, in second, are Solar Blaze and Joe, followed by a cross Sapphire and a peeved Elijah.

Sapphire:  You’re not paddling!

Elijah: I am!

Amazingly, Lady Venom and Rattrap are beginning to pull away and look strong to win.

Lady Venom: Gees, Rattrap!  Have you been working out?!

Rattrap: Nope.  I just pretend that Chopperface in one o’ them nudes and I’m all go!

Lady Venom: *rolling her eyes* Oh brother.

The race continues for a while in this order, when suddenly, very near the end, a large thing rises up out of the water, directly in front of Lady Venom and Rattrap, who scream in fright and a result of the massive disturbance in the water, their boat toppled over.

Turtle, who has been running along the shore, dives in.

Lady Venom swims desperately and surfaces, coughing and spluttering.

Lady Venom: Elijah!  You were right about this water!

Rattrap: *twitching from the occasional electric shock*  What in the Matrix happened?

They both look ahead to see a rather apologetic looking Rampage hovering in the water in front of them.

Rampage:  Oops.  Sorry.

Lady Venom growls.

Lady Venom: You and I are gonna have a LONG talk when we get back.

Rampage gulps and helps Lady Venom to shore, while Turtle carries Rattrap back, much to his disliking. 

So, now Darkfire and Kewl Gurl have taken the lead but Joe and Solar Blaze follow them closely.

Solar Blaze:  Paddle, Joe, paddle!

Joe:  I’m paddling Blaze!  I am!

Solar Blaze: *above the sound of splashing* Joe!

Joe:  Yes?

Solar Blaze:  Don’t call me ‘Blaze’.

Joe:  Okay.

Kewl Gurl and Darkfire cross the finish line (imaginary as it may be) and Dinobot tries to whistle to signify the end of the race, but it comes out a horrible screech.

To this screech, a tired but happy Solar Blaze crosses the line with a tired and not so happy Joe, and a few seconds later, a hot, cross Sapphire finished the race.

They eventually park their boats and stand there, catching their breaths.

Solar Blaze:  Congratulations, Kewl and Dark.

Darkfire: Thanks.  It was fun!

Kewl Gurl:  Yeah, now, I’m going to walk back to that art museum and try and find out if that WAS actually Brad Pitt I saw!

Darkfire: Oh no you’re not!  I’m going home with you and I don’t really feel like combing the streets for this guy who’ll probably turn out to be a dreadful mistake, fat and ugly.

Kewl Gurl goes ahead in spite of this.

Darkfire:  Oh!!!  It’s gonna be a long day.

Solar Blaze wipes the sweat from her forehead and glances at Joe.

Joe:  What?  WHAT?!  I didn’t do ANYTHING!

Solar Blaze:  Well done Joe.  See you later.

With that, she and Dinobot head off and Joe is left standing there, feeling very foolish.

Rattrap has disappeared somewhere and Lady Venom has just said goodbye and is currently holding Rampage by the claw and dragging him home, wincing and moaning.

Sapphire:  Oh well.  Come on Joe, get in the boat and I’ll take you home.

Joe:  No way!  I’m going to that McDonalds over there to get a hamburger and make conversation with that hot chick!

Sapphire sighs as she watches Joe go off to the food joint.

She gets in the boat with Elijah and they start to paddle home.

She starts to sweat and pant and eventually turns around sharply.

Sapphire: You’re not paddling!

Elijah:  You’re right.  I’m not.

Sapphire looks hurt.

Sapphire:  Why not?

Elijah just stares at her and she starts to say something.

Elijah:  If you’re going to protest, I’ll jump off this boat and swim myself to the shore.  And then I’ll probably join Joe.

Sapphire:  I wasn’t going to protest.  I was just going to say that I love you and I want to marry you.