The Tea Party

~A dedication to my good friends at the message board.~

Sapphire: Hello everyone. You are all invited to a tea party. There’ll be scones, jam and bread, biscuits and toffees and of course tea, or coffee. The time is now and the venue is here. In this world you have entered when you decided to read this fic. There will be a number of guests at the party so expect to be doing some socializing with both the characters of my mind, from movies and with people of the Internet universe. Speaking of which, here come a few of them now.

Rattrap: Freakin’ slaggin’ hell. I’m here again. What do ya want ta do ta me now, Sapph, an’ why da hell am I always in yer fics?

Sapphire: I love you.

Rattrap: @#%*$…::thinks a while:: Huh. Fair enough.

Dinobot: Sapphire, I can see you have gone to a great effort to set out the table nicely and place delicious scones and biscuits on top of it, but I am afraid you have vermin running amongst your delicacies. May I offer my services as an exterminator?

Waspinator: Did zzzomeone zay exterminator? Where?! WHERE?!!!

Joe: Ooh! Scones!

Sapphire: ::sigh:: I don’t remember inviting all of you.

Rattrap: Den whom did you invite. Ya said everyone.

Sapphire: I was talking to the readers of my fan fiction and/or their characters, but I don’t mind you here Rattrap. I love you.

Rattrap: Riiight.

Sapphire: I invited Lady Venom, Solar Blaze (HDW) and Darkfire75.

Joe: No! Solar Blaze hates me! She’ll kill me! I saw the picture of her; she looks mean!

Sapphire: Naw, Solar blaze is a smart person Joe. She won’t behave in such a manner.

Joe: ::sighs in relief::

Sapphire: She’ll torture you first.

Joe: ….

Dinobot: Oh look! Here comes Lady Venom. Uh…the character Lady Venom, that is. My goodness, are those claws on the ends of her hands?

Sapphire: Yes. Be nice to her. Otherwise she’ll rip your skinny little ass.

Dinobot: I beg your pardon?

Joe: Biscuits!

Waspinator: Izzz that honey on your bread, Rattrap?

Rattrap: Buzz off, bug! ::Swats Waspinator away::

Lady Venom: Hello everyone! Hi Sapph.

Sapphire: Hi Lady V! Glad you could make it! Where’s Rampage?

Lady Venom: Oh…um, Sapph? Would you be upset if I told you he went home sick with indigestion after eating one of your characters on the way here?

Sapphire: Probably not. Which one did he eat?

Lady Venom: Jason.

Joe: Whoo hoo! Oh yeah! I have gotta meet this Rampage guy and thank him!!!

Sapphire: ::pauses a moment:: Oh well. Scones?

Lady Venom: Don’t mind if I do…. ::reaches out for a scone and accidentally her claws stabs Joe’s hand::

Joe: AHH! Solar Blaze hired you to kill me, didn’t she? Didn’t she?!

Solar Blaze: ::comes up behind Joe and taps him on the shoulder.::

Joe spins around and gasps.

Joe: *in a tiny, pathetic voice* Mommy!

Solar Blaze: Who are you calling mommy?

Sapphire: Hey Solar Blaze!

Solar Blaze: Hello Sapph!

Sapphire: How’s your insanity?

Solar Blaze: I’m here, aren’t I?

Sapphire: ::Laughs hysterically::

Dinobot: Why look, here comes miss Darkfire.

Rattrap: She’s hot! Hah! No pun intended!

Sapphire: Rattrap, how could you?

Rattrap: Jeez, Sapph. You’re freakin’ me out here.

Sapphire cackles and then suddenly stops laughing and casts a fixed glare on Rattrap.

Sapphire: *keeping a dead pan face* My budgie flew away.

Rattrap: Oh. I’m…sorry?

Sapphire: ::laughs madly and rolls on the floor, holding her sides and flapping her arms like wings::

Darkfire: Hey Sa—

Darkfire: What’s wrong with her?

Solar Blaze: Her budgie flew away.

Joe: Hilarious, ain't it?

Darkfire: ::nods::

Rattrap: Hey sexy! Want a muffin?

Darkfire stares at Rattrap, pondering if there’s a double meaning to what he just said, and also considering whether she should slap him or not.

Waspinator: What happened to Joe-bot’s hand?

Joe: She (pointing to Lady Venom) stabbed me.

Waspinator: Wazzpinator likezzz Venom-bot now.

Sapphire: ::Recovering from laughing fit:: I disliked my budgie.

Rattrap: Ya can say that again!

Sapphire: I disliked by budgie.

Rattrap slaps a hand across his forehead and then moans.

Sapphire jumps up, her eyes alight with joy.

Sapphire: I have an idea! Let’s invite my imaginary Elijah!

Darkfire: Okay! Can you invite Orlando too? - (For those who don't know, Orlando Bloom played the elf archer in The Lord of the Rings.)

Solar Blaze and Lady Venom groan and roll their eyes.

Lady Venom stuffs another scone into her mouth. Solar Blaze eyes her warily.

Solar Blaze: Do you know that those are meat scones? Or so Dinobot tells me. Have you heard of such a thing?

Lady Venom: So? Girl, when you’ve eaten the lab food back on earth, anything tastes good!

Sapphire: Look girls, it’s Elijah and Orlando.

Elijah and Orlando look around. Joe’s busy wrapping up his bleeding hand in tissue paper, Dinobot (in beast mode) is munching a meat scone and glaring at Rattrap. Rattrap is eyeing Darkfire up and down. Darkfire is glaring at him and clutching at her sword.

Elijah and Orlando look at each other, and hug each other, terrified.

Sapphire: Come here baby!

Orlando: Nooo! Leave me be!

Sapphire: Not you! Elijah!

Elijah: ::squeals:: It’s her! The toilet seat girl! The one I keep having nightmares about!

Orlando: Not the toilet seat girl! And why the hell is that red robot girl staring at me like that?

Darkfire: Hellloooo Orli!

She runs up and kisses him passionately.

Orlando pulls away and blinks.

Orlando: I must admit, I’ve never been kissed by another species before. Mind you, it was kinda nice!

Solar Blaze: I think I’m gonna puke.

Rattrap: Me too. That guy over me? I’m insulted.

Lady Venom: Joe! Stop hogging the scones!

Joe: Yes ma’am!

Lady Venom: ::grins::

Joe flinches.

Lady Venom: Hey, I’m not Lady Dementia, you know.

Joe: No, it’s the way you’re ripping that scone to pieces!

Lady Venom: I learn it from Rampage.

Joe: Who’s Rampage?

Solar Blaze: You don’t wanna know!

Joe: Okay.

Dinobot rolls his eyes as he watches Sapphire chasing Elijah around the table.

Elijah: Help me! Orlando!

Darkfire and Orlando are too busy chatting and eating scones to give a fluff.

Solar Blaze: Uh. I’m leaving now. Thanks for the scones, Sapph. I think….

Sapphire: Glad ya could make it! ::catches Elijah’s wrist and yanks him into her arms::

Elijah: God help me!

Joe: Bye Solar Blaze!

Solar Blaze: ::eyes him curiously:: I thought you were terrified of me.

Joe: I am. Byyyyeeee Solar Blaze.

Solar Blaze glares at him, shrugs and then leaves.

Lady Venom gets a call on her cell.

Lady Venom: Hello? Rampage? Aww! I’m sorry sweetie. I know; your tummy must hurt.

Joe: Didn’t Jason go down well? Ah, the bastard. A menace, even when he’s dead.

Lady Venom: What’s that? Chicken soup? You want me to make you some chicken soup? Well now dear, you can GO MAKE IT YOUR SLAGGING SELF! I’M NOT YOUR SLAVE! ::turns off her phone casually with a gentle smile::

Joe: Sapphire, you should choose your friends more wisely.

Sapphire: ::Tying Elijah to a chair:: What’s that, Joe hunny?

Joe: Joe hunny?

Sapphire gives him a demented look.

Joe: I feel sorry for you, Elijah.

Rattrap: Hey, I thought you loved me, Sapph?

Sapphire: Oh well. I’m fickle.

Rattrap pouts and then focuses on Darkfire.

Rattrap: Darkfire, ain’t you and Megs supposed ta be hittin’ it off?

Darkfire: So? I can still flirt with rich, handsome, famous actors, can’t I?

Rattrap: ::shrugs:: I guess. Hey, I’m kinda rich, sorta handsome and famous amongst Beast Wars fans. Maybe you and I could-

Darkfire: In your dreams, Ratface.

Rattrap: Hah. It was worth a go.

Lady Venom: Well, I’ll be off now, Sapph! I’m going to ‘sort out’ Rampage.

Sapphire: ::applying lipstick and casting flirting side glances at a terrified Elijah::

Sapphire: How?

Lady Venom: It involves my claws, a sharp knife and hot, steamy chicken soup, his lap and a Barney video.

Sapphire: Have fun!

Lady Venom leaves with a grin, Joe watches her go, rubbing his hand.

Darkfire: Hey Sapph, I have to go now. Do you mind if I take Orlando with me?

Orlando: ::excitedly:: Ah pleeeze? Can I go?

Sapphire: Sure! I’ll see you around!

Elijah: Orlando! Don’t leave me here!

Orlando: Elijah, you must face up to your fans. Get to know them. Be nice. Bye!

Orlando and Darkfire walk off hand in hand, but then Darkfire’s COM rattles to life and her facial expression changes to one of horror when she hears Megatron’s voice.

Darkfire: ::in the distance, her voice fading:: Where am I? I’m…I’m…

Rattrap: Well dat does it. I can’t believe someone as sexy as Darkfire just walked off wid’ dat guy!

Dinobot: Get over it mouse. You still have Tourmaline.

Rattrap: Oh yeaaah. Where is she by the way?

Joe coughs and looks away.

Rattrap stares at him curiously.

Waspinator: ::holding his stomach:: Ooh. Wazzpinator ate too much honey…

Sapphire: Okay all of you. Go away. Tea party’s over.

Dinobot: Thank Primus! ::runs away happily::

Rattrap: M’kay. I’m off ta find Tourmaline.

Joe: That might not be such a good idea, Rattrap.

Rattrap: Why?

Joe skips off whistling and singing: Bean beans the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel….

Rattrap helps Waspinator to his feet and carries him off to the bathroom.

Sapphire is alone with Elijah.

Elijah: I know I’m going to regret asking this, but what are you going to do with me?

Sapphire: It involves a tutu, my laptop, (no, I mean the computer laptop!) a nail clipper and a saucepan.

Elijah: ….

Sapphire winks and the curtains close.

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