Phoenix’s Wings

By: Rebecca Anne “Sinead” Fahey-Leigh

Written on: March 26, 2004

Written for: Those who wish to understand just that bit further.

Dedicated to: M.M.F., my mother . . . she who always handed me the “cuppa comfort,” which is commonly known as a cup of tea. Gosh, am I grateful for her.

I’ve been with the “Aggie Tunes” club since December 20^th, 2002. It all started with me singing a Celine Dion song, entitled “Because You Loved Me,” for the school talent show on said date. And that, literally, was the beginning of it all. I was asked to sing for the school CD, and so I brought a song I had started composing to the teacher who was over the project. He loved it, as did most who heard it. That song . . . was called “Sometimes.” Ask my sister-in-spirit Christine “Starath” about it. She has the CD. Ask Dannn about it, while you’re at it, since he has it as well.

“Sometimes” was based upon a Beast Wars original character who was based upon myself, therefore, I wrote about myself. I wrote in a real vague sense about some hardships that I’ve had to deal with, as well as victories that I have gained. Little did I know that it would be the beginning of something . . . more, if you will.

Sometimes

By: Rebecca A. Fahey-Leigh

Sometimes I feel as if I am drowning

Sometimes I feel as if I am lost

Then I see you there

Knowing that you care

And I live on

Sometimes I feel as if I am flying

Sometimes I feel as if I am free

Then I see their hate

Knowing that my fate

Is on my own

To be something

To have a reason

Is all that anyone could ask

So make your own path

Fly on your own wings

And see what the future may bring

See what the future may bring

Being here today gives me strength to go on

Helping me through all the tough times

So I hope you know right now

Of the happiness I have found

Right here today

For you to give up caring for your life

To not dream at all for what may be

Then for one of us to say,

“Are you doin’ good today”

You know we’re here

To be something

To have a reason

Is all that anyone could ask

So make your own path

Fly on your own wings

And see what the future may bring

See what the future may bring

Sometimes I feel as if I am lost . . .

Sometimes I feel as if I am free . . .

Then I see you there

Knowing of my fate

And I live on . . .

My Junior year ran to its end, and soon it was summer. A birthday party came and went, and soon we were back in school. My new teachers were awesome, for starters. Then the preliminary preparations for the Haunted Hayride, the Senior class’ major fund-raiser, was going extremely well. I was able to pick up right were I left off with Mr. Calais, as we racked our brains for some chord-changes for a song that had felt wonderful to sing.

And then everything seemed to fall apart.

The first dance of the year came up near the end of September. As usual, the hormones were hitting the fan, and people were having romantic seizures all over the gym. Finally, knowing that I could take no more of the drama, I went outside with a few friends, where the real socializing was going on. The genuine friends talking, laughing, and listening to the music through the brick walls of the gym behind us. Personally, I was sick of the melodrama of the whole setup. If you didn’t have a date, dances weren’t all that fun. They never really are. I didn’t dance with anyone that night, but that was fine with me. I didn’t feel like slow-dancing with any Aggie guys. For the most part, that’s understandable. Aggie guys are, on the most part, jerks.

But there are exceptions to everything.

I was talking with a few people, and I managed to meet this Sophomore who was absolutely hilarious. After a while, we managed to find out each other’s names. (His is Ben, and after some debate, we figured out that mine’s really Becka, and not “Hey @%*$^!!!” as Nick “Matiko” called out to me, causing me to answer. Yeah, Nick’s a really great kid, as long as you don’t date him. I made that mistake Sophomore year. But we’re closer as siblings now, than we had been as a couple then, if you understand that.) Ben had seen my haori, a traditional Japanese jacket, that I had worn for the first (and quite possibly the rainiest) day of school. A deal was reached, and I agreed to make him one. In payment, he would buy a Rurouni Kenshin silk-like shirt for me. Either way, I was getting payed. And that shirt is stinkin’ comfy to wear!

So as we’re talking, I noticed that my friend Melissa wasn’t looking all that great. She was sitting across the group from us. Now, I’ve known Mel since the beginning of her Freshman year. I had been a Sophomore then, so she’s a year behind me. I was really close to her, and we acted like sisters. I really love her like the sister that I’ve never had. She was given the nick-name “Tiga,” after her favorite Beast Warrior, as well as her favorite animal, the tiger.

I excused myself, and asked her what was wrong once we were a little bit away from the group. And she told me her troubles. I listen to all of my friends if they have problems. That has ended up being a not-so-good thing, sometimes. And that’s when the first thing hit me. Melissa said that she was bisexual. Oh. Okay. I could deal with that. I didn’t love her any the less. I still love her as much as I did before I knew about all this.

The night went on. I walked into the end of a conversation between another friend of mine, Lindsey “DreamKeeper” and Nicole “StarGazer.” Lindsey was saying, “–so I ended up dropping the bomb on her. And she fu-lipped.”

Silly me, I had originally thought that Lindsey had flunked a class already. So, little naive me asked, completely innocent, “Huh? Did I miss something?”

Both looked at me, and then I got the feeling that I heard something I shouldn’t have. Nicole had recovered quicker than Lindsey, and laughed, shaking her head. She walked back inside, and I followed her. “What?! C’mon, tell me! NICOLE!!!”

It was about an hour later, and I had gotten no answers. Finally, Nicole replied, “You’ve gotta ask her yourself.”

Well, that just peeved me off.

I went in search of Lindsey. I finally found her, then asked her what the heck was going on, and why was she hiding something from me?

“You don’t want to know,” came the answer.

“Just saying that worries me. Every time someone tells me that I don’t want to know, they really just don’t want to explain something to me. Tell me.”

She just watched me for a moment. I was sitting against the brick wall of Kemp Hall, where the dance was going on in the gym just behind my back. In the dim lighting I couldn’t really see her eyes. But somehow, I remembered the sadness around those windows to her soul.

Sadness, and pain.

“Melissa and I have been going out.”

I could only stare at her. “For how long?”

“Since June.”

That was four months. Tears fell. I didn’t know that they had fallen until Lindsey had wiped one away. My voice was soft, but hard at the same time. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She didn’t have an answer.

That had been on a Friday night. I went home, nerves and sanity barely clinging to life. Mom immediately knew that something was wrong. And so I told her. And I then saw how angry I really was about all of this. I was angry. These classmates of mine call me their leader. They even go one step closer, and call me their friend. Do friends hold out on one another? Do they withhold information that should be shared?

I was alternately weeping and raging all weekend long. When Monday rolled around, Mom and I had come to the conclusion that something had to be done, and I had to talk to them about it. I pulled Lindsey aside first. “For four months, you’ve been dating each other. Four months, Linds! Why didn’t you tell me?”

She mentioned a friend of ours, who didn’t attend the school, had flipped when she learned that a friend of hers was lesbian. “I didn’t want you to do the same thing.”

“Lindsey, I can’t accept that. You’re my friend. I can’t hate you. I don’t agree with this decision at all, and I can’t accept it, but you’re my friend. And I can’t hate you for one decision. I just don’t understand why you didn’t think that it would be that important to tell me. Either that, or was it too important to let me know about?”

She couldn’t look at me. “I’m sorry. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.”

Neither of us said anything for a moment. Finally, I said, “Never hesitate to tell me something, Linds. Never. I’m here to be your friend.”

“I know.”

The next day I had a similar conversation with Melissa. Turns out, they broke up a few weeks later. The issue was laid to rest for months. I went on with recording for the CD, with a new song called “Jinsei.” That word is Japanese for “life.”

The song itself describes life as best as I could get it, considering I didn’t have a clue how to construct some sentences in Japanese. Heck, I’m still clueless about most of the sentence structures!

“Jinsei”

By: Rebecca A. Fahey-Leigh

Konnichiwa suzume, konnichiwa

The sparrow flies away with my dreams

Sayonara suzume, sayonara

Yet it shall return in the spring

Sakura wa naze de ochiru desu ka?

Why dies the cherry blossom fall away?

Haru wa naze de nokosu desu ka?

Why does the spring always pass us by?

Watashitachi tatakai

Together we shall fight

To watashitachi kachieru

And together we shall win

Gozenchuu ni hikari ni ashita

On tomorrow’s bright morning

Taiyoo noboru sugiru hayaku

The sun will always rise too early

Dooyoo ni tsuki inokuru nakagu

Likewise, the moon lingers long

Jukan shoyu suru nai imi

Time has no meaning

Naze naru jinsei suru

Tsumore shinkoo suru

Life will always go on

Watashitachi tatakai

Together we shall fight

To watashitachi kachieru

And together we shall win

Gozenchuu ni hikari ni ashita

On tomorrow’s bright morning

And so life went on. But I had managed to see Melissa and her next girlfriend kissing. It was purely by accident, and it bothered me for days. I love both her and the other girl, Erika, like sisters, and I’ve said so before. Yet . . . it still bothered me. And that’s kinda understandable, since I’m . . . I’m not in agreement with what they’re doing.

March 5, 2003

Second-to-last day of recording, and it was a Friday. Crud, was I exhausted. Ben was there, Nicole was there, and Mikayla, a fellow singer, was also there. Now, over the past months, I’ve become increasingly closer to Ben, to the point where we’ve become best friends. Mikayla and I have sung songs together. I’ve backed her up on her major song on the previous CD, entitled “Heaven on Earth.” She has a voice like you wouldn’t believe, and she knows how to use it, whether singing or getting into that “crazed anime fangirl” mode that peeks up many more times than I think many of us can get used to all that easily. Of course, you’re hearing this from a wild, raving fangirl who has claimed Kenshin as her own, and has said numerous times that Dinobot has a rather cute butt.

THERE!!! I SAID IT!!! ARE YOU SLAGGING HAPPY, STARGAZER?!?!?! DINOBOT HAS THE CUTEST BUTT I’VE EVER SEEN ON A TRASFORMER!!!

Oh, and I also have Haku from “Spirited Away.”

*clears throat* Please excuse the sleep-deprived rant. As far as I’m concerned, there’s a different Kenshin for each school that is visited. The girl from Class of 2003 handed my school’s version off to me, as I’ll be handing him off to Mikayla when I graduate this June. Haku will be going to Melissa. I keep Dinobot. Nobody wants him, for some odd reason. Hmph. MORE FOR ME!!! *giggles, gets weird look from Dinobot*

Wow, I need sleep.

Anyways, on this last day of recording, I was listening to a song. And I could almost feel my heart stop. It was a song that I knew Erika wrote. And it was about how “it can’t be wrong.” Immediately, I knew that it was how her lifestyle couldn’t be wrong. (Over these past week, though, Ben had brought it up with Erika, and she said that she hadn’t originally planned the song that way, and yet, she could understand why I had seen it the way I had. Her answers, however, weren’t Mr. Calais’.)

Well, that ruined my warm, happy feeling of accomplishment. Again, I told my mom about this. Now, she stands for the same values that I do. And so she called Mr. Calais, and asked him if this song was about gay rights. He said yes, it was, and in a rather brusque manner. Hnh. He wasn’t saying that later on in front of faculty. I heard my mother’s end of the conversation, and I knew that this was going to be a mighty battle.

And a battle, it most certainly was.

On March 10^th, an agreement had been made. A disclaimer would go on the CD, saying that each individual track is the view and beliefs of the artist, and that those views and beliefs should not be taken as if every participating student believe them. If that makes any sense. Basically, I believe something different from Erika (we both know and respect this) as is her views and beliefs are different from Mikayla’s, whose are different from Ben’s, and so on. Everything is individualized, to a point.

So an agreement was made, and for ten minutes, things were looking up.

And then he dropped the bomb that the title of the CD would be “Can’t Be Wrong.” I asked him why I hadn’t been a part of the decision for naming the CD. He replied that I hadn’t been there on the Saturday the 6^th, when the title had been decided upon. Manipulative idiot. Of course I hadn’t been there. I ate something that disagreed with me, and ended up having cramps and nearly passing out in Wal-Mart. Gee. Blame me for wanting to cocoon and not yarf up all over Mr. Calais’ floor. I can’t say that he’d be happy about me being sick on his carpet, either!

Now, I had been in contact with my principal for pretty much all of this ordeal. Over the days following that Wednesday, we had fought to get things set straight, and we managed to get the participants of the CD to have a vote upon the title. The nominated titles were “Can’t Be Wrong,” “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow,” and “Tears.”

The final vote was as follows:

Tears: 1

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow: 5

Can’t Be Wrong: 9

Looking at that, I felt somewhat betrayed, yet the students had spoken. I knew two people who had voted for “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow,” and I knew that they really were sad to see that I would pull everything of mine off of the CD. My voice would not go under the song title that we had been battling against and about for over a week.

And then Mr. Calais pretty much laid into me, saying how he’s done “nothing but protect you.” I’m reminded of Grima Wormtongue’s words “I’ve done nothing but serve you, my lord!” when he was trying to defend himself from King Theoden. Personally, I was prepared to answer to those people who would have come after me, if there were any at all. I don’t know. I never found out. I doubt that I will, and personally? I don’t care.

I don’t know what I replied, except that it was something pertinent at the time. Mr. Hall, the drummer of the house band, voiced that he was really sad to see that this didn’t work out to everyone’s benefit. He . . .

Forgive me. I’m crying. It hurts, that this had all happened. It hit something deep, something . . . something that I had held onto as a lifeline when there hadn’t been much left, at a time. I really hurts that this man, Mr. Calais, who I had looked up to as I do to uncles of mine, had suddenly turned around to not even try to accommodate my personal views and beliefs, while he embraced another student’s view completely. It really hurts that the friendship between us had been fractured like this. I don’t think that I can really trust him in the way I once had ever again.

I’m gonna cry again. I can’t seem to say this without crying, but Mr. Hall has been much more . . . open, if you will, about me standing up for what I believe in. I had almost given into the title, but I had been in a room with both Mr. Calais and my principal, who is just an awesome woman, and I didn’t want to go through this anymore. I was too tired of it all. I was just plain too exhausted to deal with any more pain, any more conflict . . . and I was ready to say, “Screw it all, I don’t care. Get this over with.”

But Mr. Hall . . . he has been so understanding about this. He’s been so kind towards just . . . just letting me have my own views, and letting me voice them, and letting me run ahead and just grow on my own. Mr. Calais hadn’t let me grow, in a way. Well, I believe that he would have had me grow into a different shape, one that had views that reflected his own. He tries to harbor tolerance, to accept others as how they are, and to accommodate them, yet he, himself, didn’t quite reach that standard. He didn’t tolerate my saying that I didn’t agree with the song, he didn’t seem to like the idea of the disclaimer, and he most certainly didn’t like the idea of me pulling anything of mine away from him!

So I took my music off of the CD. And I wanted my songs to myself, as well. Moonsong had been a wonderfully done song. Lyrics are as follows:

Moonsong

By: Rebecca A. Fahey-Leigh

Fog flowing around me

Intangible hands wet with dew

Lead me to the place

Up in the sky

Silver circle neverending

Sometimes bold

Sometimes shy

Up in the sky

Dreams may become reality

Ever bold

Ever shy

As I try to reach

I know that I’ll have no luck

Trying to grasp my peace

Up in the sky

Silver circle neverending

Sometimes bold

Sometimes shy

Up in the sky

Dreams may become reality

Ever bold

Ever shy

The chilled wet upon my face

Not the fog as I had once though

But my own tears as I cry

For something I have never once had yet . . .

I will ever hope . . .

Up in the sky

Silver circle neverending

Sometimes bold

Sometimes shy

Up in the sky

Dreams may become reality

Ever bold

Ever shy

Ever bold

Ever shy

Ever bold

Ever shy

I wrote that sometime near the end of my Junior year. Actually, come to think about it, those lyrics are a year old! Huh!

Well, I got my two songs on a CD, but figures, I didn’t get background music to them. Can someone say “childish”? Aah, good, one of you people in the darkened seats in the back said it! Good on you!

Yeah, so apparently his awesome music wasn’t good enough to star alongside with my awesome voice. So he took the background music away, and handed me the vocals alone. Mmph. That was really babyish to pull something like that. I mean, honestly, now! Are we three years old, and just because someone took our lollipop away, does that mean that we have to kick them in the shins and take their whole bag of candy away? I most certainly do not think so!

Aah, shows the kinda people I’ve been working with in the past year.

However, not all of this has been a bad time. I’ve gotten valuable, almost priceless, experience from learning how to record, how to work the computer that records, how to develop songs and such . . . it really had been a great time, up until this last month. And I’m also thankful for my church family who has been so supportive of me standing up for my turf during this. They’ve been praying for me, and whenever I’ve seen them, they’ve been practically smothering me with hugs, saying how proud they were of me, that I had been brave enough to stand up for what I believe in and not back down. I don’t mind the hugs, but I always get embarrassed when people start complimenting me in front of other people. I actually love the hugs! Hugs are what makes the world go ’round!

I’m also thankful that I’ve seen who my friends are. Ben was sad to see that I had taken my voice off of the CD, since we had sung an awesome duet together, and I was sad for his sake, that I had to pull my voice away as well. But now he’s learning the chords to play that song, so when we get together next time, we can sing it for my mom. She would love it. I know she would. I’m afraid that I’ll break down crying in the middle of it, though! But Ben . . . I feel that he had voted for the alternate title.

When I got the music-less tracks, Nicole and Mikayla were furious about it. Furious enough that the devious latter had remembered about an early copy of the CD (there’s always a few songs that could use backup, or one of your songs that could be practiced to a bit more) and I might be getting the original versions of those two songs. She was the other person I knew about that had voted for “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow” as the CD title.

It has been a hard month, and it’s also been more than a little trying, what with tears flowing almost freely around every corner and bend that I came around. But I have grown. My principal had said to my mother that on the day of the vote, I had become an adult. I stood my ground in the best way possible, and even though I hadn’t come out as the victor in the world’s eyes, I came out victorious in other areas.

And I thank you all, every last one of you, friends, family, authors, my sisters-in-spirit, every one of you, for all the support you have given me throughout this time. You’ve been the light at the end of the tunnel, and now that I can see around me again, I owe one to you all.