Megalomaniacs Anonymous

- Nominated for Funniest Comedy '04

I tipped my fedora up, trying to get a better look at the numbers on the door. The rain had made my goggles fog up, which made it even harder to see. I lifted them away from my face just enough so the fog went away.

I seemed to be at the right place. At least, the numbers were right. I reached out a gloved hand, opened the door, and tentatively walked in.

All activity inside ceased when everyone noticed me. I heard someone mumble, “Is that Indiana Jones?”

I spoke up in my definitely not Indiana Jones voice, “Is the Megalomaniacs Anonymous meeting?” Everyone nodded. Good.

They were still staring at me. Well, no wonder. I sounded female, but dressed in a black/brown leather jacket, brown fedora, black tinted goggles, army green cargo pants, black workboots, and black gloves, I probably looked like a guy. Heck, the goggles and hat alone covered the upper half of my face. The only things that betrayed my femininity were my voice and a long brown braid trailing down my back.

I proceeded to take off my rain-drenched hat, goggles, gloves, and jacket, and hanged them up in the coat closet. Under my jacket, I wore a navy blue sweatshirt.

I was slightly early, which was good.

Most of the other MA attendees were conversing around the refreshments table, munching on various foods. I scanned the table, looking for anything with a decent amount of sugar. I found what I sought: chocolate cake. And it looked like a good one.

I was just about ready to dive into some nice, lovely cake, when the authority figure announced, “Alright, let’s begin.”

I mumbled, “Crudmuffins,” and sat down next to someone big and purple.

Big and purple. Huh. If I were big and purple, I’d scare lots of people. That would be fun.

Wait... big and purple... at a Megalomaniacs Anonymous meeting... I glanced over at the big purple guy, and my suspicions were confirmed.

It was indeed Megatron, glowering at the world, obviously not happy to be here.

“Megatron? Don’t tell me you’re trying to be cured of megalomania! The Beast Wars wouldn’t be the same without you!”

He regarded me coolly.

“They most certainly would not, no. I’m here on a wager with Terrorsaur. If I make it through a month’s worth of MA meetings, he’ll dance around the perimeter of the Maximals’ base wearing a tutu, yesssss.”

“First," said the voice of current authority, "let’s have the new members introduce themselves.” Mr. Authority figure looked directly at me. Great. I stood and walked to the front of the semi-circle of megalomaniacs in a confident- but not too confident- manner. I acted like I was supposed to be here, darnit, and let’s just see you try to do anything about it. I felt like I didn’t belong.

No wonder. I was the only girl. What? There weren’t any other girl megalomaniacs out there?

“My name’s Sovereign Autocratic Ruler of All.” Earlier, I had debated with myself whether I should use this name. The general public thinks it’s weird. Not like I care. “But you can call me SARA,” I added. I was rather proud of the acronym.

“And, do you have something to admit to us, SARA?”

“I’m a megalomaniac.” Was that supposed to be hard? It wasn’t. In fact, it was so easy, I’ll say it again: I’m a megalomaniac. The end, nothing else to say. Cake.

Ooh, cake. Like that one on the refreshments table. It still hadn’t been touched.

“Hello, SARA,” everyone except Megatron chorused. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

“Now, SARA,” Mr. Authority figure said, “You may sit down.”

Thank you, Mr. Authority figure. I REALLY needed permission to sit. I’m the future world ruler, for crying out loud! I don’t need to be told when to sit!

“Something tells me,” Megatron quietly mused, “you’re not here to be cured of megalomania either, no.”

“Heck, no. I came here to see how ridiculous these things are.” I officially considered Megatron an ally, at least for tonight. In my mind, everyone here was competition for world domination, including Megs, but it didn’t mean I had to snub him.

“My name’s Anthony,” said one megalomaniac, “And I haven’t plotted for world domination for three weeks.” Everyone but Megs and me applauded.

Were these people for real? I was trying my hardest to keep from laughing- I did snicker a few times- and Megatron looked amused.

“You humans are rather entertaining,” he admitted.

“Yes, and that’s why I’m sparing them when I rule the world.”

“Hmm, a bit cocky are we?”

“All I need is a weather machine," I said brightly. "Then the world will be mine.”

“A weather machine? And how, pray tell, will you acquire one of those?” He seemed genuinely interested.

“I have connections.” Like I’m going to tell anyone, especially Megatron, about my plans. They weren’t top secret, but I didn’t want any other megalomaniacs stealing my ideas.

“My name is Rob, and I haven’t plotted for world domination for five hours.” Good for you, Rob. I wasn’t sure I could take this much longer- this was funny!

"My name's SARA," I said quietly so only Megatron could hear, "and I haven't plotted for world domination for thirty seconds- whoops, never mind."

"Humans think of the most absurd ways to rid themselves of their problems."

"This method may work for alcoholics, but I don't think megalomania can be cured by a twelve-step program."

"Actually, it's twenty-two steps."

"Twenty-two?!? It's not worth it!"

"Nooo."

People were still talking about how long they hadn't plotted to rule the world.

"Hey, Megatron, you wanna try something?" I asked conspiratorially.

“It depends. What?”

“A coup.” I grinned evilly.

Megatron chuckled, “You can’t keep a good megalomaniac down.”

“I’m thinking we go after the authority figure first. He’s got everyone in the palm of his hand, so this shouldn’t be hard.”

Megatron nodded. “How shall we make him fall from power?”

“By force, of course. He’s a megalomaniac, so we may not be able to convince him to step down. But you’re bigger than he is, if you get my drift.”

“And when we succeed?”

“All I want is the chocolate cake. You can have everything else. Once Mr. Authority figure’s out of the way, I’m outta here.” We shook on it.

One generally shouldn’t make a deal with a Predacon, especially Megatron, but I figured since he got the better end of the bargain, he wouldn’t care.

“All right, Megs, follow my lead.” I raised my voice so everyone could hear it. “So then the bear says to the panda, ‘But I haven’t got a necktie!’” Megatron burst into fake laughter.

“Are you having fun?” Mr. Authority figure walked over to us. I waited until he was close enough, and then shouted “Now!”

Megatron stood up, wrapped his arms around Mr. Authority figure, and picked him up off the ground. I opened a closet door, and Megs stuffed him inside. We then set a chair against the door so he couldn’t get out.

“And that, as they say, is that!” I dusted my hands off. “It was a pleasure working with you, Megatron. You may command the megalomaniacs as you see fit. I shall take my chocolate cake and leave.

“You certainly are one of the more interesting humans,” he said as he shook my hand. He went to his bunch of megalomaniacs and started off on a Megatron rant, something about finishing off the Maximals and winning the Beast Wars.

I pulled my stuff out of the coat closet and went over to the lovely chocolate cake, which I put into its cake box. I put my jacket, gloves, goggles, and hat on, picked up the box, headed for the door, and turned around.

“Good luck, Megs!”

“And to you, SARA.” I opened the door and went outside into the dripping wet rainy world, happy that I could have my cake.

The next day, I sat in front of the TV, with a piece of cake, to watch my favorite show- Beast Wars.

As soon as the episode started out, I realized I’d never seen it before. Which was odd, because I’d seen every episode, or so I thought.

In the Predacon base, Megatron introduced new troops- all humans, two going by the names Rob and Anthony. They then proceeded to cram Terrorsaur into a pink tutu and force him to dance around the perimeter of the Maximals’ base.

I shrugged it off. So long as I could have my cake and eat it too, I wasn’t going to complain. Besides, it was funny.

The End.