- Nominated for Funniest Comedy '04

"Little Human"

By: Miss Special

I waved goodbye to my friends as they drove off in an ancient pickup. I shifted my bookbag's strap on my shoulder slightly, made sure I had my clarinet (in its case, of course), and started walking up the road. My friend’s pickup couldn't handle the rough, steep, gravelly hill, so I'd had them drop me off at the bottom.

Since it was fall, the weather was pleasant enough for a walk. I kept my focus on the road, making sure I didn't trip on any rocks or step on a snake. I almost did, once. It was funny.

I couldn't hear much other than the sound of gravel crunching under my feet, but I thought I heard voices coming from somewhere. I stopped walking and listened.

"Shut up, you fool! She can hear us!"

"How can a lil' ol' fleshie-bot hear us from all the way over there?"

I wasn't sure how to react. Judging by the voices, Tarantulas and Quickstrike were following me, unless I'd missed my mark.

"Fleshie-bot can hear you just fine," I said, turning around. I wasn't sure I was happy to be right. Well, whether I was happy about it or not, Tarantulas and Quickstrike were definitely standing in front of me.

"Can I help you?"

Tarantulas giggled. Not a good sign.

"In a sense," he answered. "You're coming with us, little human."

"Sorry, I can't. I've gotta get homework done." I started to walk again.

"Would you happen to be the human known as Miss Special?" Tarry asked smugly.

"Possibly." I stopped walking. Tarry giggled again.

"Judging by the fact you have 'Miss Special' written on your shirt, I believe you're just the human we're looking for."

Oops.

Quickstrike advanced on me.

"Hey, get any closer and you'll get a nice look at my clarinet case." I prepared to swing it, hoping it might knock him silly.

Something zipped by and pulled my clarinet out of my hands.

"Wazzpinator have fleshie-bot device! Two-head safe!"

Crudmuffins.

Waspinator started opening the case in exactly the wrong way. In my mind, I saw a horrible picture of clarinet pieces spilling out all over the dirty ground...

"STOP!" I bellowed. Waspy stopped. Tarry giggled. Again.

"Give in or your precious little device gets it."

Oh, he just HAD to play the hostage card, didn't he?

"Fine, I'll go with you."

"I knew you'd see it my way," Tarantulas giggled as Quickstrike brought his snake-head down on my head. Everything got fuzzy, and then faded to black.

Ow. Ouch. Gaa, my head hurt.

"Ahh, yes, the little human stirs," a deep voice said.

"Megatron?" I guessed.

"And she knows my name. Well done, Tarantulas."

I sat up, blinking stars from my eyes.

"There'd better be a darned good reason fer this," I grumbled, foggily noticing I sounded a lot like Quickstrike when I was grumpy.

"I trust you know who all of us are?" Megatron asked.

"Yeah. Whatsit t'you?"

"Prove it."

I recited in a sing-sing voice, pointing at the appropriate Predacon, "Megatron, Tarantulas, 'Ferno, Quickstrike, Rampage, Waspinator. Can I go now?"

"No, little human, this is just the beginning, yessss."

"Great. Tell me when th' end comes." I made like I was going to sleep.

"That would not be wise, nooo. You see, little human, you are going to tell us all about the Beast Wars."

"I ain't tellin' you diddly till y'stop callin' me 'little human'."

"Very well, Miss Special."

"That's better," I said, straightening myself- and my English- up. "What's there to know that you don't? The Maximals fight the Predacons, stuff happens, the end."

"Enlighten us as to what this 'stuff' is."

"What, and spoil the ending?" I hate giving away plot twists.

"Maybe we should find us another fleshie-bot," Quickstrike mused.

"She was the only one who was home," Tarry told him.

"But I wasn't home!" I protested.

"We already tried your friends," Megatron explained. "Sapphire, Sinead, Dannn Sanew, Lord Skyfire-"

"You mean none of them were home?!"

"No."

"Figures. Anyways, like I said, what's there to know?"

"You know the future."

"Yeah. In the future, Megatron will wear a wig." I was telling the truth, not like they'd believe me.

"You will take this seriously, huma- Miss Special."

"Or else...?"

"Or else Rampage will show you what true pain is." Megatron smiled.

"Uh-huh. Well, in the future, Rampy gets blown to bits. A couple of times. In fact, you all do." This didn't seem to go over too well. "Hey, if it makes you feel better, the Maximals suffer their share of casualties," I added. "And, if I knew everything there was to know about the Beast Wars, I would've known I was going to get kidnapped."

"Nice try," Tarry giggled, "But we've already thought about that."

"All right, you want to know what happens? The Maximals win. They all kick your sorry behinds into the dirt and then dance on your heads. And then they go home to Cybertron as heroes."

"And how do they manage this?"

"Rhinox is building a doomsday device that'll blow up the Darkside. It'll be deployed in here while you're off fighting the rest of the Maximals."

"And how do they get home?"

"Cybertron finds them and picks them up. Duh."

"How are they found?"

"There's a guy chasing Rampage. He'll come, notify Cybertron, and they'll be rescued."

Megatron looked to Rampage as if the crab could verify what I just said. Rampage shrugged.

"Now," I said in an authoritative tone, "I need to take a nap. I've just been through a very tiring ordeal, and my head hurts. If I'm going to be of any use to you, I'm going to need to rest."

Megatron glared at me. I wasn't sure if my plan was working.

"Very well, Miss Special. You have one megacycle. Inferno, guard her and make sure she doesn't try anything." All the Predacons- except Inferno- left. I used my clarinet case as a pillow, closed my eyes, and started thinking.

I needed a plan. I was now a tactical advantage for the Predacons, which could mess everything up. The Preds might find the Ark first, and I didn't want that to happen.

I needed to get myself out of the Predacons' clutches. The Maximals would understand my plight- hopefully- and realize I shouldn't be here. They'd treat me better, at least.

But how do I get out? I had a snowball's chance of taking out Inferno, and even if I did, there were still all the other Preds to deal with. If I sneaked out of the base, they could still catch me. I had to get them out before I got myself out.

Maybe if I told them they had to attack the Maximal base? Or if I sent them on a wild goose chase, looking for something that wasn't there?

A plan quickly formulated in my head, and I still had forty minutes left of my nap.

"Hi, Inferno," I said, trying to make conversation with my favorite Predacon. Inferno glared at me. I couldn't think of anything to say. I was in the same room as Inferno, and I couldn't think of a darned thing to say.

"Um... I like burning things, too." Well, it was better than nothing.

"I should not be talking with you. The Royalty would not approve."

"The Royalty would not approve of having the human bored out of her mind," I reasoned. "I bet you've never met a human. Is there anything about humans you'd like to know?"

"How well do you burrrn?" I think he was trying to scare me.

"Better than some things." I grinned evilly. "I've never burned a human myself, but from what I hear, it's not a pretty thing."

"You should fear me, human."

"Probably. You're a lot bigger than me, and you're armed. I'm just too slow to figure out what should be feared and what shouldn't."

"Yes, humans are slow."

"Sure. Can you help me with my math homework?" I didn't HAVE to have help, but it would be nice. I pulled out my textbook, paper, calculator, and a pencil out of my bookbag. Inferno walked cautiously over, looking at the numbers on the page I was working on.

"You are supposed to be resting."

"Homework before rest. And it'll go faster if I have someone helping me."

"Very well."

When my time was up, Megatron walked in on Inferno and me working out a danged hard problem.

"What in blazes?" He didn't seem to happy.

"Royalty, I am unable to figure this problem out." Inferno scratched his head.

"No, wait, I think I've got it!" I exclaimed. "See, if you take the inverse Sine of that number there, and then plug it into the equation, it only gives you the first half of the answer. To get the second half, we need to also take the inverse Cosine of the number!"

"You're doing Trigonometry when you're supposed to be resting?"

"Humans do homework before they can rest," Inferno said.

"Yes, well, that's very interesting, but that's not what you're here for. You are here to tell us about the Beast Wars."

"Ask away." I snapped my book closed and put my stuff away.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" Megatron asked, suspicious.

"I did get some rest, and I'm in a better mood." Megatron seemed pleased by this. "So, what do you want to know? Major battles, energon deposits, golden disks-"

"Golden disks?" Megs swallowed the bait. "Elaborate, please," he asked very nicely.

"Well, a couple pop up later. I can't tell you exactly where they are off the top of my head, but if I had a map I might be able to point them out."

Megatron led me to a console and displayed a map. I looked around, trying to pick probable spots where golden disks would be hidden. I could make out the future North American continent, and pointed to pre-California.

"There," I said. "It's hidden in a grassland in that area. The other one's..." I saw what would be South Africa and pointed to it. Here's to you, Sapphire, I thought. "There."

"Yessss," Megatron mused.

"You'd better get them fast," I told him. "The Maximals find them soon."

Megatron ordered his troops to the map, divided them up in half, and told them to go retrieve the disks. He would go with the half going to California. And Inferno would stay here, to guard me. I looked unhappy about it, but everything was going according to plan.

Inferno and I watched the rest of the Predacons leave.

"Well, time for clarinet practice." I opened my clarinet case and put it together like an expert. Inferno regarded me suspiciously.

"What do you intend to do with that? Is it a weapon?"

"No, it's a musical instrument." I blew into it and produced a clear Concert B-flat. "See?" I played a little tune on it to prove my point. Inferno calmed down.

I played random notes, low tones, using the opportunity to think. I had to get past Inferno, but I wasn't sure how. Not only was he bigger and more powerful, but I was unarmed, and he had his big gun. I couldn't try anything that required going anywhere besides where I was sitting.

Besides, I didn't want to scrap him. Every time he got hurt on the show, I found myself glaring at whoever did it.

I glanced over at him, still playing low notes. I wasn't sure, but it looked like he was nodding off. I played something that sounded like a lullaby, and his optics started fading… and snapped back to life. I had to get him to fall asleep somehow. I slowed the lullaby down until it was just a series of slow, low notes. That did the trick. His optics shut off and stayed that way.

As quietly as I could, I disassembled my clarinet and gathered up my stuff. I tiptoed past the sleeping Inferno and out of the Predacon base.

I wasn't out of the woods yet. If Inferno woke up, he could easily find me, take me back, and make sure I didn't do it again. This was a one-time shot.

As I walked over the rocky Predacon territory, I tried to figure out how to get the Maximals' attention without also getting the Predacons on my tail.

Nothing came to mind. At this rate, I'd be at the Maximal base before I came up with an idea. I didn't even know how far apart the bases were. I barely knew the general direction of the base. I could spend the rest of my life wandering around, alone. No- I wasn't alone. I had my clarinet. I tightened my grip on the case's handle, comforted by its presence.

The rocks got fewer as I started going through an area full of energon geysers. I noted this was the place where Airazor came online and guessed I was near the edge of Pred territory.

I had no idea how long I'd been walking when the scenery changed. Green started showing, and trees were ahead. My spirits lifted as I ran to the trees, knowing they'd give cover and make me harder to find.

The trees quickly grew into a jungle, and I sat down to take a break. Things were getting bad. I couldn't keep walking forever, and that's the way things started to look.

Think, Miss Special, think. There HAD to be some way I could get to the Maximals. An outpost, a communications array, something.

I even considered going back to the Darkside. At least I could get to a computer there. But that opportunity had passed. If I went back there now, they'd probably put me in a cage. Or worse.

It was hot. And my feet hurt. And I was tired. Well, I WAS under cover, so maybe taking a little nap couldn't hurt. I probably wouldn't be able to sleep, anyways. I closed my eyes, making sure my clarinet was right beside me.

What time was it? It seemed to be dark. I decided to open my eyes.

I found myself staring into orange optics. Acting on instinct, I swung my clarinet case at them. The owner of the optics went flying.

I jumped to my feet, looking around. I must've fallen asleep; it was after dark. I got ready to swing my case again, just in case. (AAA! Pun!!!)

I heard laughter.

"Ha ha, Rattrap, looks like you got beaten by a human."

Rattrap? And the voice sounded like Cheetor.

"Who wants some?" I threatened, sounding brave. Inside, I was screaming incoherently, something about being saved.

"Chill out, human. We're not going to harm you."

"STOP CALLIN' ME HUMAN!!!!" My bad English had returned. "Alright, both of you, step out where I can see ya. No funny stuff or I'll bash yer heads in."

"Are all you humans this angry?"

"I got kidnapped by Predacons, knocked on th'head, I'm hungry, thirsty, tired, grouchy, my feet hurt, AND I STILL HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO! I CAN BE ANGRY IF I WANT!"

"Shut up or you'll attract da Preds!"

"Ah," Silverbolt's voice said, "I see you've found the human."

"AAAAAAARRRG!!!!!!"

" 'Parently she has a thing 'bout bein' called human," Rattrap told him.

"Forgive me, milady. What shall we call you, then?"

Silverbolt did the trick. I found a shred of sanity.

"Call me Miss Special."

"Aw, great, she's got an ego," Rattrap groaned.

"The story behind my name has nothing to do with my ego." I changed my demeanor. "Right, so now that you've found me, what are you going to do with me?"

Rattrap started to say something smart, but Silverbolt stepped in.

"We are under orders to take you to our base."

"Okay. So, who's going to carry my stuff?"

The Axalon, or what was left of it, rather, never looked so good. At least it wasn't full of holes, like the Darkside.

"So, this is who we've been trying to find," Optimus said as I stepped off the lift.

"How long have you known I was here?"

"Cheetor saw Tarantulas take you into the Predacon base, but he couldn't get you out alone."

I wanted to sleep. And do nothing. At home.

Instead, I offered my hand to Optimus.

"My name's Miss Special," I said. We shook hands, and I was pleased to notice Optimus treated me like an equal.

"What did they want you for?" Rhinox asked.

"Megs wanted me to tell him what happens later in the Beast Wars."

"What did you tell him?"

"Half-truths mixed in with drivel. Last I checked, he was searching for a golden disk in California."

"There are more golden disks?" Cheetor exclaimed.

"No, but don't tell Megs that. I also told him vague garbage that won't help him. Basically, he wasted his time."

Optimus chuckled, apparently amused by my resourcefulness.

"Do you know how you got here?" Rhinox asked.

"Nope. I was knocked out. I think Tarantulas might have something to do with it. Figures."

"What, that you were kidnapped?"

"No, that I was their last choice. They tried everyone else before me."

"We'll get Rhinox onto finding a way to get you home," Optimus said.

Rattrap snickered, "In da meantime, make yerself at home."

My stomach growled loudly.

"And someone find something for her to eat," Optimus said, chuckling.

It was midnight. I think. I was still awake. And bored. I couldn't get to sleep on the metal bed in the quarters I was given, not even when I substituted my clarinet as a teddy bear.

Metal beds may be fine for robots, but I was human, and a bony one at that. No matter how hard I tried, sleep would not come. So I went to the control room, hoping there was someone there.

There wasn't. Whoever was on duty wasn't doing his job. I sat down at some controls and looked the console over.

"Can't sleep?" Rattrap asked, sitting down at the comm controls and propping up his feet.

"Nope." I looked at the controls and nodded to myself. "I could fly this," I announced.

"Dat's great, but dose're da shield controls. Flight control's ova' dere."

"Oh. Betcha I could still fly this."

"Sure, kid." Being called "kid" is much better than being called "little human".

"I know someone who'd go crazy if she were here instead of me," I told him.

"Huh?"

"Friend of mine. You’re her favorite Beast Warrior."

"Of course I am. I should be everyone's favorite Beast Warrior."

"Actually," I said, snickering, "Dinobot's the overwhelming favorite."

"Him?! What's 'e got on me?"

"I'm not the one to ask."

"Why? Who's yer favorite?"

"Inferno."

Rattrap scooted away from me. "You gotta be crazy."

"Duh."

"He's a lunatic."

"Yep. He's got his good points, though."

"Like bein' a good target."

"Hey," I said, slightly offended. "He's got some qualities you don't have. Like loyalty. Sure, you're loyal," I said when Rattrap glared at me. "But you question orders from time to time-"

"Yeah, like when I think I'm gonna get killed."

"True, but Inferno never questions. Not even when it's obvious he's going to get scrapped. That's loyalty."

"Dat's stupidity."

"Still, it's something not a lot of bots have."

"But he doesn't have my good looks an' charm."

"I dunno…His bug eyes are kinda cute."

"Dat's it. Yer scarin' me."

"I really must stop scaring people. I do that too often."

"So, Miss S, you know da future."

I groaned inwardly.

"Do we eva' go home?" he asked.

"Possibly," I said, shrinking into my seat. "I'm not telling the Preds, and I'm not telling you, either. That way, it's fair."

"But we're da good guys," he protested.

"I don't care if you're the Pope. I'm not telling."

"Lissen 'ere, human. We rescued ya, the least ya could do is show us a liddle gratitude."

"Lissen here, robot," I snarled back, matching his accent. "Keep this up and I'm leavin'. I'll find my own way home. Or Megs'll catch me and make me talk, and then yer gonna be slag. And call me human one more time and-"

"Are you antagonizing the human, vermin?"

I threw a chair at Dinobot. He caught it in time, but was almost knocked over. I collapsed onto the floor, laughing. Rattrap was laughing, too.

Pretty soon, all the Maximals were in the control room, wondering why the human was laughing her head off.

"She is fortunate that she is… not one of us," Dinobot growled, getting up.

"Why? What'd she do?" Cheetor asked.

"She threw a chair at 'im," Rattrap explained.

"Why?"

"Cuz he's a robot and he called me human!" I laughed.

"What does being a robot have to do with anything?" Cheetor was puzzled.

"I wouldn't have done it if he were human."

" 'Er favorite Beast Warrior is Inferno," Rattrap said as if that explained everything.

"People have favorite Beast Warriors?" Cheetor's interest was peaked.

I nodded, trying to stop laughing.

"Am I someone's favorite?"

"Probably. Nearly every bot is someone's favorite."

"Even Waspinator?"

"Sure."

"Why Inferno?"

"He's loyal," Rattrap mocked.

"Would you like a chair thrown at you?" I asked Rattrap sweetly.

"Okay, that's enough." Optimus stepped in, though he was obviously amused. "We've got a long day in the morning, so all of us," he said this looking at me, "had better get some sleep."

And that was that.

Warm musical tones pleasantly echoed off the canyon walls. The Maximals were probably going to have a fit once they noticed I wasn't in the base anymore. I hadn't slept much that night, and headed out just before dawn.

And now I was greeting the sun with clarinet music. I normally didn't play it this often outside of school, but I didn't have anything else to do. My band director would be proud.

"Whatcha playin'?" Rhinox asked casually. He was right behind me, in beast mode, apparently unconcerned by the fact that I was outside the base without telling anyone. I finished the song.

"Londonderry Air."

"Sounds pretty."

"Sorry about all this," I said quietly, settling my clarinet on my lap. "I'm not usually this… off kilter. I'm usually a lot quieter. And I usually can pull my own weight. I don't want to be a burden-"

"It seems to me like your being here isn't your fault, so if you're a burden to anyone- which you're not- it's because Megatron decided to pull you into this. And if it weren't for your resourcefulness, you'd still be with Megatron and might've told him everything he needs to know about winning the Beast Wars."

"Meh, I probably wouldn't tell him anything useful, so he'd probably off me when I was sleeping. Or something worse. I'm good at keeping secrets."

I picked up my clarinet to play some more, but before I did, I said, "He's probably figured out by now that there aren't any golden disks anywhere."

"Say, how high can that thing go?" He indicated my clarinet.

"I top out at a double-high F Concert, but it goes to double-high B-flat, I think. Why?"

"Megatron's probably going to attack and try to get you back, and I've got an idea."

"Okie dokie?"

"That's your plan?" Cheetor didn't believe Rhinox.

"We have to have Tarantulas operational, and that's the best way I can think of to bring them down all at once while keeping Tarantulas online."

"And we need Tarry to get me home," I said.

"Exactly."

"What note didja say ya can hit?" Rattrap eyed my clarinet skeptically.

"Double-high Concert F. Double-high G in clarinet terms. Plenty high. Why, do you want to hear?"

"Sure."

I shrugged. Their funeral. I fingered the note, took a deep breath, and blew as hard as I could. It took a brief moment, but a piercing, horrible note emanated from my lovely clarinet.

It wasn't long before Optimus signaled me to stop.

"That'll be fine," he said.

I took a deep breath and rested my clarinet on my lap. I fiddled around with it while everyone put the finishing touches on Rhinox's plan.

"I have a loose screw," I mumbled quietly during one inopportune moment when everyone had gone quiet to collect their thoughts.

Rattrap burst out laughing. "We coulda told ya dat!"

"No, I mean on my clarinet!" I laughed.

"I can fix that for you," Cheetor volunteered.

"No way I'm letting you touch my clarinet!"

"May I have a look?" Rhinox held out a big, green hand. I carefully deposited my clarinet in it, and he looked it over. "Ah, there it is." He picked up a tiny screwdriver and twisted the errant screw back into place. "There you go." He handed my clarinet back to me with the same care I'd used.

"The Predacons are closing in," Dinobot reported.

"Alright everyone, takes your places," Optimus said. "Rhinox, you get Miss Special set up."

Not much later, I was sitting at a console, clarinet in my hands, with a microphone in front of me. Rhinox was setting the external loudspeaker volume to its highest. The Predacons were beginning their assault, and the other Maximals were returning fire.

"We're all ready to go," Rhinox told Optimus over the comm.

"Proceed as planned," Optimus replied.

"Hope this works."

I would have echoed Rhinox's sentiment, but I was preoccupied. I played a nice note on my clarinet softly- that was the signal for the Maximals to cover their audios. The Predacons had no idea what we had planned.

The signal given, I jumped a few octaves to the highest note I could play, as loud as I could play it.

If the Pit were a sound, it would be the one I was making. The last Predacon succumbed to the noise as I was just about to give out. Rhinox told me I could stop, and I did, taking a big breath of much needed air.

The outdoor Maximals grabbed Tarantulas and dragged him onto the lift. The proceeded to lock him in the brig, and then to wait until he regained his senses.

I was losing. Badly.

Rattrap had much more practice at this game than me, and I've never been terribly good at fighting games anyways. So I did what any out-of-her-element, dirty-fightin' gamer would do. I button mashed.

For those who don't know, button-mashing is a technique used (mostly in fighting games such as the one Rattrap and I were playing) by amateurs and desperate people. I consider myself the latter. It consists of pushing as many buttons as fast as possible, resulting in pulling massive combos on your opponent without giving him the chance to fight back. It's a dirty tactic.

And it proved successful for me, as my character ground Rattrap's into the dirt, pulling a come-from-behind victory.

In my defense, I'd beaten Cheetor already without button-mashing. Rattrap, Cheetor, and I had been having a small tournament, and I was now the champion.

I suspected all this was to keep the "little human" busy while Tarantulas was interrogated. I wasn’t very interested in watching Maximals interrogating a Predacon, especially when all they had to do to get him to talk was threaten him with another performance by me and my clarinet.

I was rather sorry that my lovely clarinet was now being used as a torture device. But I had to make sacrifices to get home, and so did my clarinet, even if its sacrifice was its reputation.

Optimus, Rhinox, and Dinobot finally emerged from the brig. Rattrap, Cheetor, and I looked at them expectantly.

"Do you have your things gathered up?" Optimus asked me.

"Did you find out how to get me home?"

"Yes."

"How do I do it?"

Optimus looked at Rhinox. He seemed to be dreading that question.

"You'll see."

If that doesn't scream 'suspicious', I don't know what does.

Still, I obediently gathered up my stuff- bookbag (making sure everything was there) and clarinet, checking twice to make sure it was actually in my hand. One can never be too sure.

"You're ready to go?" Optimus asked when I returned to the control room.

"I've been ready since I got here."

"Good."

"So, what do I do?"

"Close your eyes and stand very still. Sorry about this."

"S'ok-"

Something hit the back of my head hard enough to make be black out.

I was lying on my back, in the middle of my road. The gravel poked into my back. My head hurt like you wouldn't believe.

Optimus hadn't been apologizing about my ordeal. He was apologizing for knocking me unconscious.

I slowly- very slowly- stood up, trying to wipe dust off my clothes. I picked up my bag and clarinet.

All that happened, right? I asked myself. I'd spent nearly a day there. But it looked like I'd been gone for an hour at the most. And all the physical proof of my trip I had was a bump on my head the size of Maryland.

I looked around. Maybe a pinecone had hit my head, and all that was just a dream. There was none to be found.

I suppose it doesn't really matter. The experience seemed real enough. I could've done without the cracks to my skull, but that was a small price to pay for spending a day (whether real or not) in the Beast Wars. I'd gotten to talk to Inferno, joked around with Rattrap, shook hands with Optimus, and even outwitted Megatron.

As I marched homeward, extremely pleased with myself (a rare occurrence), I thought to myself, this would make one heck of a fic.

End!