The One You Thought You Knew

[Blackrosefencer]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay.....I have been working on this for a very, very long time. I hope that I am accomplishing everything I set out to do with this. Please give me some feedback on this. I don't mind if you tell me what didn't work....constructive criticism would be very helpful. You are being annoying if you just say it sucks and you don't tell me why.

My biggest goal here was to show some sort of turning point in Optimus Primal's life. I was trying to portray him as more embarrassed by his accomplishments instead of proud of them. He doesn't think much about his actions because he constantly compares them to Optimus Prime. He thinks that others feel disappointed that he's not more courageous in battle. If you don't see any kind of growth or change in character....PLEASE let me know how I can fix that.

Also, if someone could help me out with a new, pre-beast wars name for Rhinox, that would be awesome. I didn't really want to use Rhinox's name. I just didn't have any other ideas.

It is written as a script for a reason having to do with a contest.

Without further ado.....

The One You Thought You Knew
by: Blackrosefencer

[Scene one]

[Scene one begins with a younger Optimus and several other young Maximals standing before the Maximal High Council. They are beginning their careers as scientists at a Maximal Military Research Facility. Everyone is frozen as the voice of an older, wiser Optimus reflects on his past on Cybertron.]

OLDER OPTIMUS: It is true that everyone has secrets that define who they are. Some secrets change a bot for the better while others haunt him until the end of time. This particular secret did a bit of both. This particular secret....was mine.

My good standing at the Maximal Science Academy helped me land a job as an Environmental Specialist in the Maximal military. My job was to scope out land the military had occupied and determine if the necessary resources were present. After the signing of the Pax Cybertronia, that put an end to the war between the Maximals and Predacons, my career with the military opened new doors for me. I was offered a job at the most prestigious of Military bases, a military research facility near Colony Omicron. It was there I met one of my closest friends, a bot who you may know now as Rhinox. It was there my life turned itself around. It was there that I realized what I really believe. It was there I became the bot you know today.

That being said, try not to think about your current image of me. As a bot ages, their priorities shift and their demeanor changes. I have grown so much wiser, so much more self-confident, and so much less timid since then. In fact, I have grown so much, you probably won’t even recognize me.

[scene unfreezes. A Maximal elder calls Optimus up to speak with him]

MAXIMAL ELDER: “Next.”

[Optimus steps forward.]

ELDER: “Optimus Primal, is that right?”

OPTIMUS: [timidly] “Everyone just calls me O.P.”

ELDER: “Nicknames are for the front lines. You will answer to your full name here. Is that clear?”

OPTIMUS: “Yes, Sir.”

ELDER: [thoughtfully] “Hmmm....where have I heard that name? Optimus Primal?” [checks file] “Ah! You were one of the environmental specialists stationed at Fort Thoren, isn’t that right?”

OPTIMUS: “Yes, sir.”

ELDER: [speaking to the other Maximal recruits] “Well, we’ve got ourselves a real hero!”

[The other Maximals begin whispering amongst themselves while Optimus stands before them embarrassed. The Maximals talk over each other while Optimus begs them to stop fussing over him.]

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “I heard his squad was ambushed by 50,000 preds!”

CROSSFIRE: “No! There were more!”

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “I heard his leader was taken down first and Optimus got everyone else out safely.”

CROSSFIRE: “He turned down the commendation he was awarded.”

OPTIMUS: [pleadingly over their voices] “Please, stop! No, that’s not how it happened. I was just doing my job. Please don’t make a fuss!”

ELDER: [sternly] “Recruits, please!” [chattering stops] “We are wasting our time. I think your record speaks for itself. Optimus, step back in line with the others.”

OPTIMUS: [uncertain] “Yes, sir.”

[OPTIMUS returns to his spot in line]

ELDER: [speaking to all recruits] “Welcome to the Omicron Research and Development Facility. We will begin our training promptly at dawn tomorrow morning. Please be ready for a full day of work. Each of you will be working in Lab 1 with our other scientists. Please be advised, this is highly sensitive research we are conducting. You may not speak about this with anyone outside of this facility. Nor will you be permitted to enter into certain areas or access certain files. Failure to do as instructed will result in immediate removal from the program. Am I clear?”

ALL RECRUITS: “Yes, Sir.”

ELDER: “Good. Check the list posted on the door to find your quarters. Dismissed.”

[The Maximals move to check the barracks list. NOX approaches OPTIMUS]

NOX: “Hello, my name is Nox. According to the list, you and I will be sharing quarters. You said you wished to be referred to as O.P., is that correct?”

OPTIMUS: “Yes, yes it is. It’s nice to meet you.”

[NOX and OPTIMUS begin walking towards their quarters.]

NOX: “I apologize if I sound insensitive, but why take the name Optimus if you prefer we don’t use it?”

OPTIMUS [sighs audibly]: “The great Optimus Prime has been a hero of mine since I was a young bot. I’ve spent years studying his legacy. I wanted to be like him, but I realized that I just don’t have it in me. I could never lead a group of bots into battle against the likes of Megatron. I wouldn’t know the first thing to do. I’d be too scared.”

NOX: “You weren’t too scared to save your commander from a Predacon ambush.”

OPTIMUS: “It didn’t happen like everyone says. I was the closest one to him and I didn’t even have the guts to leave the safety of the rock I was hiding behind! I just reached out to grab him and pull him out of the line of fire. That was it. And there were only five of them! Not 50,000.”

NOX: “Didn’t you get away?”

OPTIMUS: “Sure. I called for reinforcements and then I retreated. I carried my commander back to the starship and got him to the infirmary. The real heroes fought off the Predacons. Optimus Prime....he would’ve fought too.”

NOX [shrugging]: “I think there are lots of different types of heroes, O.P. A real hero puts the safety of others over the glory of saving the day. If you hadn’t retreated to get your commander to the infirmary, he may not have survived the attack. Surely, you are a hero to him. Besides, I’m sure in all your research of Optimus Prime, you would have come across at least one battle where he decided it was best to get up and run.”

OPTIMUS: [contemplates this] “Well, perhaps, but if it existed, it certainly wasn’t a well-known one. No one wants to see the good guys run away without fighting.” [sighs again] “I just felt like I was disappointing everyone being called Optimus. I certainly couldn’t live up to the name. It’s easier if no one associates a regular, ordinary bot like me with the name Optimus Prime.”

[Scene fades]

OLDER OPTIMUS: “I could tell that Nox was not willing to accept my perception of myself and my interpretation of Optimus Prime’s character, but he dropped the subject. I suppose he just didn’t want to jeopardize a potential new friendship. Either that or he accepted that this was a subject on which we would probably not agree no matter how long we discussed.

As the days passed, neither of us ever stopped to question what exactly the research entailed. We were always given very simple and non-descript assignments that revealed very little about the research. We knew the research involved the Decepticon, Starscream, in some way, but the full extent of the research remained a mystery.

As could be expected, rumors circulated fast. Some believed the Maximal Elders were developing chemical weapons or nuclear technology. But one of the new recruits, a young Maximal named Crossfire, had claimed to see the project for himself.”

[Scene two]

[YOUNG OPTIMUS and NOX enter the barrack’s lounge. CROSSFIRE and the other recruits are off duty and enjoying some time off]

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “Woah, that’s incredible!” [notices OPTIMUS and NOX] “Hey! O.P.! Nox! You guys gotta hear this!”

OPTIMUS: “What is it?”

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “Come on, Crossfire! Tell ‘em what you told me!”

CROSSFIRE: [rolls optics, but answers dramatically] “Fine. Listen. I was out at the far end of the facility and no one was around, but I heard screaming from a locked room. The room shook and the lights flashed as whoever it was let out this deafening scream! It was horrifying!”

[CROSSFIRE pauses. OPTIMUS looks confused and unimpressed.]

OPTIMUS: “Go on.”

CROSSFIRE: “That’s it.”

NOX: “What was in the locked room?”

CROSSFIRE: “I have no idea. It was locked.”

[OPTIMUS and NOX look at each other doubtfully and prepare to leave]

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “Wait! Don’t you see? The research we’re doing....it’s an experiment....on another bot...like us.”

CROSSFIRE: “It sounded as though he was in an awful lot of pain.”

OPTIMUS: “Don’t you think you’re getting a little carried away? I mean you didn’t actually see anything, right? So, you could have heard anything!”

CROSSFIRE: “Anything? What kind of anything do you know of that shakes the floor and flashes the lights?”

NOX: “A seismic event?”

CROSSFIRE: “A seismic event? A seismic event that screams? Come on! Be serious!”

OPTIMUS: “Okay, let’s stop for a moment and think logically. Why would the Maximal elders want to experiment on another bot?”

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “How long do you think the peace with the Preds will last? The Maximal High Council has to be ready in case the Pax Cybertronia is short lived. They are probably trying to find an advanced weapon to take down the Preds. That’s what the Preds would do. Why shouldn’t we do it?”

OPTIMUS: “I don’t know...that doesn’t sound like the Maximal Elders.”

CROSSFIRE: “Maybe you just don’t know the Maximal Elders like you think you do. They’re always so secretive. No one really knows what they’re really like.”

OPTIMUS: [doubtfully] “But you’re talking about an experiment on another bot. That sounds so...Predacon.....”

UNNAMED MAXIMAL: “Don’t be so naive. It’s a bold move that was past time to make.”

OPTIMUS: [hopeful] “The Maximal High Council represents all that is Maximal. They aren’t doing that.”

CROSSFIRE: “Hey, you know what? Don’t believe me. I don’t care. But aren’t you even the least bit curious about the experiment?”

OPTIMUS: [obviously lying] “No. Not at all.”

CROSSFIRE: “You should check it out sometime. Let me know and I’ll take you to the locked room. Maybe we’ll find a way inside to see for ourselves. Ha! I bet you won’t! Come on!” [UNNAMED MAXIMAL and CROSSFIRE leave together]

[OPTIMUS looks after them sadly. NOX looks at OPTIMUS.]

NOX: “Don’t let them get to you, O.P. They don’t know anything. They’re wrong about the elders.”

OPTIMUS: [not sounding convinced] “Yeah. Yeah, I know....but let’s just say they’re not wrong. Would you continue working here?”

NOX: “What choice do I have? I’m a bot on a mission of ensuring a prosperous future for myself. And the elders, if what Crossfire says is true, are determined to hide their secrets. If I walk out on them, they have the power to do whatever they have to in order to keep me quiet. That would ruin my career. I’d amount to nothing or I’d be exiled from Cybertron. So I ask again, what choice do I have?”

OPTIMUS: [shakes his head] “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. We couldn’t even speak up against it, could we?”

NOX: [shakes his head] “I don’t imagine we could.” [pause] “Hey look, they’re wrong. I’m telling you. Trust in your instincts about the elders. Don’t let them worry you.”

[Scene fades]

OLDER OPTIMUS: “Nox sounded so sure of himself. Perhaps he knew that it was better if he didn’t know the truth. But I found it hard to concentrate after that. I knew Crossfire was just trying to get me upset and cause me to doubt my strong faith in the Maximal High Council, but the more and more I thought about it, the more and more things began to fall into place for me. If the elders weren’t doing something contemptuous then why the need for all the secrecy?

Then, I did something completely unlike me. Or at least, I did something completely unlike the bot I used to be. I asked Crossfire to show me the room. I had to see it for myself. I had to know what was going on. Once outside the room, I was shocked to feel the floor shake under my feet and hear the supernatural screams from inside the room. As we stood in the shadows watching the door we were shocked to see the door open and several Maximals come out in a hurry carrying one of the scientists in their arms. Clearly there was some sort of accident. We should have turned back then, but we didn’t.”

[Scene three]

[CROSSFIRE and OPTIMUS approach the door. CROSSFIRE pushed open the door to the room.]

OPTIMUS: [grabs CROSSFIRE’s arm] “Hey! Wait! What are you doing?”

CROSSFIRE: “What does it look like? I’m going in.”

OPTIMUS: “You can’t!! They’ll catch you and kick you out!”

CROSSFIRE: “Don’t tell and they’ll never know. Stay here if you’re too scared.” [CROSSFIRE shrugs away from OPTIMUS’ grasp and continues through the door]

OPTIMUS: [looks around nervously] “No. I’ll come too.”

[The two Maximals entered the room and gazed around in wonder. They turned towards the cage. Inside was Protoform X.]

CROSSFIRE: “Woah! Look at the size of him!”

OPTIMUS: “We should probably get going now...”

CROSSFIRE: “By the Matrix! He’s huge!”

PROTOFORM X: “He can hear you, you know?”

[Both Maximals shout out in astonishment. X chuckles demonically.]

PROTOFORM X: “Yes. Step closer and fear me, young ones. Feed my hunger.” [cackles]

CROSSFIRE: “Who-who are you?”

PROTOFORM X: “I believe you Maximals refer to me as Protoform X.”

CROSSFIRE: “What are they doing to you?”

PROTOFORM X: “You don’t know? No....of course not. They wouldn’t tell you. Someone might....object to the experiments they’re doing.”

CROSSFIRE: [to OPTIMUS] “See, I told you! They’re doing experiments!”

OPTIMUS: “Okay, you were right. Are you satisfied now? Can we go now?”

CROSSFIRE: “Not yet! We’re just getting to know him.”

OPTIMUS: “I don’t think we should be talking to him.”

PROTOFORM X: [seductively] “But don’t you want to know all about the experiments you aren’t supposed to know about? Don’t you want to satisfy your curiosity? Don’t you want to feed your need to know the truth?” [looking at CROSSFIRE] “Yours is a strong will. I can tell the kind of bot you are just by looking at you.”

CROSSFIRE: [enthralled] “What kind of bot am I?”

PROTOFORM X: “You were drawn to the injustice of all of this. You wanted to know the truth. You wanted to set things right.”

CROSSFIRE: [nods in agreement] “Yes, yes I did. I wanted to do the right thing.”

PROTOFORM X: “Well...what are you waiting for? Now’s your chance. Be the hero you long to be. Set me free. Free me from my prison.”

CROSSFIRE: [walks towards PROTOFORM X’s cell as though he is in a trance]

OPTIMUS: [grabs CROSSFIRE’s arm- when he says this, the audience hears a bit of the older, wiser Optimus in his voice] “Wait! Don’t set him free! It’s a trap!”

PROTOFORM X: [ignoring OPTIMUS] “Don’t listen to him. He’s trying to keep you from your destiny. He wants to be the hero instead of you.”

CROSSFIRE: [coldly] “Yes he does. He wants all the glory for himself.” [to OPTIMUS] “You think you get to be like Optimus Prime all the time. Well, for once, let someone else be the hero.”

OPTIMUS: [lets go of CROSSFIRE hurt by his words- the younger, inexperienced Optimus comes back] “But I don’t want to be a hero. I never did. Not even when the Predacons ambushed my squad at Fort Thoren. I just don’t want to see anyone hurt.”

CROSSFIRE: “Well then, back away so I can do something good here.”

OPTIMUS: [timidly] “But what if you’re NOT doing something good? What if he’s dangerous?”

[CROSSFIRE approaches PROTOFORM X’s cell. As he gets closer, X grabs him through the bars of the cage by the neck and lifts him into the air. He grips him and rips one of CROSSFIRE’s arms off. CROSSFIRE screams in agony.]

PROTOFORM X: “Yes! Yes! Your pain feeds my hunger!”

OPTIMUS: [shouts] “Crossfire!”

[PROTOFORM X continues to tear at CROSSFIRE as CROSSFIRE screams. OPTIMUS watches, his optics wide with fear. OPTIMUS pulls out his weapon and shoots PROTOFORM X’s hand causing him to drop CROSSFIRE onto the ground out of his reach. OPTIMUS runs to him to help, but PROTOFORM X grabs OPTIMUS instead.]

OPTIMUS: “Let me go!”

PROTOFORM X: [laughs] “What are you going to do, Little Prime? You are no match for me. His pain makes me stronger.”

OPTIMUS: [struggling against X’s grip] “That’s very interesting. And what about your pain?”

[OPTIMUS draws one of his swords and stabs X in the optics. X screams in pain and drops OPTIMUS. OPTIMUS runs over to CROSSFIRE to carry him to safety. X screams, this time in anger, and grabs the bars of his cage. His strength is magnified by the pain and he pushes his body against the bars of his cage and they fall to the ground. X walks freely out of his cell. OPTIMUS runs with CROSSFIRE to cover. X looks back to OPTIMUS.]

PROTOFORM X: “I believe that should answer your question. I thank you from the very pit of my twisted spark for setting me free. I am forever in your debt.” [mockingly] “You’re my hero.”

[OPTIMUS stands staring after him stunned. X leaves. Shortly after X’s departure, the MAXIMAL ELDER enters.]

MAXIMAL ELDER: “Optimus, stand down. Hand Crossfire over to me.” [OPTIMUS does as he is told] “Optimus Primal, I am placing you under arrest. Follow me.”

[Scene fades]

[Scene four]

[OPTIMUS is sitting anxiously in front of the Maximal High Council. The MAXIMAL ELDER is asking him questions. Meanwhile DEPTH CHARGE stands behind the council member.]

MAXIMAL ELDER: “And how did you know about the experiments?”

OPTIMUS: [hesitates a moment as he contemplates his answer] “Crossfire.....and I....wandered down there one day. We lost our way in the halls. I heard X screaming. I had to know what was in there and Crossfire said he’d help me.”

MAXIMAL ELDER: “What happened next?”

OPTIMUS: “We got too close. Protoform X grabbed me. Crossfire tried to save me, but X grabbed him instead. Crossfire’s pain somehow made him stronger....”

DEPTH CHARGE: [to MAXIMAL ELDER] “You’re a fool for hiring such inexperienced Maximals. This one is barely out of training.” [OPTIMUS looks down in shame.]

MAXIMAL ELDER: “Depth Charge, that’s enough. Optimus, you are not being punished for letting Protoform X escape. No one could have foreseen that. X is clever and stronger than even we could ever fathom. We should have been more careful. You did, however, violate a rule that you agreed to follow upon your hire. That room was off limits. As punishment, you will be asked to leave this facility. We will be transferring you to work aboard the Axalon. It is a science exploration vessel working in conjunction with this project. It is scheduled to leave for its first mission within the next solar day. You will not set foot on Cybertron again unless personally requested by the Maximal High Council. Is that clear?”

OPTIMUS: [nods sullenly]

DEPTH CHARGE: [threateningly] “If you utter one word about the experiment to anyone, I’ll-”

MAXIMAL ELDER: [interrupting DEPTH CHARGE] “I think the secret is already out, Depth Charge.”

OPTIMUS: “Sir? Please don’t punish Crossfire. He may have been with me when we found the room by accident, but he went in there because I asked for his help.”

MAXIMAL ELDER: “I will keep that in mind. Dismissed.”

[Everyone leaves. OPTIMUS runs after DEPTH CHARGE.]

OPTIMUS: “Depth Charge! Wait!” [DEPTH CHARGE stops.] “I need to know. For the sake of the dying Maximal in infirmary, what was the experiment about?”

DEPTH CHARGE: “They were trying to replicate Starscream’s indestructible spark.”

OPTIMUS: [gasps] “That’s insane!”

DEPTH CHARGE: “Yes, it appears so. Now if you excuse me; I have your mess to clean up.”
[DEPTH CHARGE exists. OPTIMUS watches him go. NOX approaches OPTIMUS.]

NOX: [breathless] “I heard what happened. Are you okay?”

OPTIMUS: [sighs] “Yes, I am. Crossfire?”

NOX: [shakes his head] “He doesn’t look so well. I’ll take you to him.”

[Scene fades]

[Scene five]

[OPTIMUS and NOX sit by CROSSFIRE’s side in the infirmary. CROSSFIRE is dying.]

CROSSFIRE: [staring down at the medal that was awarded to him. He shakes his head and speaks weakly] “What happened?”

OPTIMUS: “Don’t you remember?”

CROSSFIRE: “Not really.”

OPTIMUS: “You tried to save me.”

CROSSFIRE: [thinks that over for a second, not sounding convinced] “I don’t want this. You take it.”

OPTIMUS: [confused] “But you said you wanted a turn to be the hero.”

CROSSFIRE: “I shouldn’t have said that to you. I was wrong. You were right. It’s not about being a hero. It’s about doing your job. I don’t feel like I did mine. I got you into trouble. I wasn’t a very good friend, but you covered for me anyway. Tell them I turned down the commendation.”

OPTIMUS: “They’ll still say you’re a hero. Trust me I know.”

CROSSFIRE: [shrugs] “But that’s not what I am. Take it back, please.”

OPTIMUS: [nods taking the medal in his hand]

[ CROSSFIRE dies. NOX puts a hand on OPTIMUS’ shoulder.]

OPTIMUS: [not looking up] “I tried to stop him, but then he accused me of trying to be like Optimus Prime. I let him go. I shouldn’t have let him go. I should have stood my ground, but I didn’t want to be like Optimus Prime. I wanted to be like me.”

NOX: “But you were being you. You were trying to protect Crossfire. That is what you would have done. It’s also what Optimus Prime would have done. You and he have a lot in common whether you believe me or not. But you don’t have to always do what Optimus Prime would do. Be you. And if it’s different than what Prime would do, then fine. You are Optimus Primal. Not Optimus Prime. Do what Optimus Primal would do. You are a great bot, O.P. You are anything but ordinary.”

OPTIMUS: “Thanks, Nox.”

NOX: “I asked to be transferred to the Axalon with you.”

OPTIMUS: “I’m looking forward to it.”

[NOX and OPTIMUS walk out together. As they leave NOX turns to him.]

NOX: “Can I call you Optimus, yet?”

OPTIMUS: [chuckles] “I think I still have a lot to learn before I’m worthy of that.”

[Scene fades]

OLDER OPTIMUS: “If I hadn’t been transferred to the Axalon, Nox would never have asked to be a part of the Axalon’s crew with me. He and I would have still been on Colony Omicron when Protoform X destroyed it three solar days later. The Maximal High Council members had been evacuated as soon as the Axalon departed. Protoform X left only one survivor of the massacre. Depth Charge watched his crew die at X’s hand and swore that he would never rest until he avenged their deaths. To this day, he still blames me for letting X escape. I know now that it wasn’t my fault. X took advantage of my inexperience and my naivety. But I could have prevented his death. If I had just stood up to him and did what I had to do to keep him safe, he would still be here today. But I was too worried about being called a hero and not deserving it. I tried my hardest to remedy the mistakes I made by volunteering to transport Protoform X to a barren planet to be rid of his destructive spark forever. But that, my friends, is a story for a different day.”

[Blazemane]

((EDIT: I completely forgot to mention...

The name I've used in fan fiction for pre-Beast-Wars Rhinox is "Chromax." It gives reference to his green color, sticks close to the name he will eventually have (so that the name he adopts in the Beast Wars has a bit of an explanation), and for as much as I'm allowed to say so, I think it kinda sounds like a chemical or a substance, which fits his scientific abilities.))

I think this is a good take on Optimus’ history. Seeing him this hesitant is surprising, but the story presented here makes that characterization believable.

OPTIMUS: “It didn’t happen like everyone says. I was the closest one to him and I didn’t even have the guts to leave the safety of the rock I was hiding behind! I just reached out to grab him and pull him out of the line of fire. That was it. And there were only five of them! Not 50,000.”

And then in the show, in the very first episode, Optimus deliberately jumps out from behind a rock specifically because Rattrap was afraid to do it himself. Referencing a time when he didn’t have that courage is a great, subtle use of the canon to show Optimus’ development.

My biggest goal here was to show some sort of turning point in Optimus Primal's life. I was trying to portray him as more embarrassed by his accomplishments instead of proud of them. He doesn't think much about his actions because he constantly compares them to Optimus Prime. He thinks that others feel disappointed that he's not more courageous in battle. I'm hoping that, in the end, you can tell that he doesn't care about what others think about him....he only cares that they don't think badly about his friend. If you don't see any kind of growth or change in character....PLEASE let me know how I can fix that.

The sense I get from the story is not that he thinks others are disappointed in him; I instead get the feeling that he’s ashamed of getting far too much credit from them. He is indeed embarrassed about his past accomplishment of saving his leader, because he thinks he acted as a coward back then, but it is that very self-condemnation which makes him ashamed of all of the honor other people bestow on him. In fact, one of the key decisions for Optimus—letting Crossfire draw closer to the cage, soon after which, X starts destroying Crossfire—results not from his fear of being called a coward, but his fear of almost the opposite accusation. Crossfire accuses him of wanting to be like Optimus Prime and demands that he let someone else be the hero; Crossfire is accusing him of arrogance rather than fear.

That works as a turning point in the story, of course, and it shows Optimus in one of his weaker moments—he would have done better to stick by his defensive instincts and keep Crossfire back. And the fact that it was his fear of someone else’s misperception which led him to make that mistake does allow for his claim in front of the Maximal Elders to represent a change in his character; now he lets people midjudge him openly.

But, ironically, he may have gone too far the other way. He hated people giving him too much credit, so now he lets them think less of him than he deserves. I can’t help but wonder how much of a victory that actually is. He finally doesn’t care what people think about him in one sense, because they’re finally not trying to praise him falsely. But firstly I ask, would he still care if he was being wrongfully praised? Has he actually grown as a character, or has he just finally gotten a momentarily relieving exposure to the opposite side of things—the false praise has finally been replaced by false disregard? And secondly, I want to point out that in getting everyone else to stop lauding him, he’s finally making everyone else think the wrong way. Before, he always told the truth, and tried to get others to realize what he was actually like. Now he has become a liar. One of the biggest problems with that is that there’s still misconception floating around about him, and it’s no longer everyone else’s fault; it’s his alone (and Rhinox’s, because he asks Rhinox to keep his secret). In one sense, that means he cares what people think about him even more than before. Of course, he has that care for Crossfire’s sake; he wants people to think badly of him so that they’ll think well of Crossfire.

But if his problem, as first presented in the story, is that he thinks he can’t live up to everything people say well about him, I feel like the truest resolution of that plot would be that he finds the confidence within himself to simply live up to the best person that he can be, as Rhinox suggests he should do. That doesn’t mean he’d stop fending off claims of fighting 50,000 Predacons at once; it just means that he’d want to disprove the claims because they are false rather than because they remind him of his own feelings of inferiority and are also false.

Still, the fact that this doesn’t become the resolution to Primal’s story arc in your script isn’t a bad thing. Optimus doesn’t have to mature completely by the end of the story. Perhaps the voice of the older Optimus could explain how he truly learned to stop caring about overly-heroic comparisons with Optimus Prime later on life, or perhaps you could just leave the story somewhat open-ended.

”Protoform X left only one survivor of the massacre. Depth Charge watched his crew die at X’s hand and swore that he would never rest until he avenged their deaths. To this day, he still blames me for letting X escape........and so do I.”

When Optimus says he still blames himself for X’s escape, does he mean he still claims in public that it was his fault in honor of Crossfire’s memory? In that case, it sums up what the story says right now very well, and I would only think of rewording it to make your meaning clearer. If it says instead that Optimus has truly become guilty for X’s escape… that’s really complex—borderline contradictory even, but not just quite. I mean, I get it. Optimus went in the room, he failed to stop Crossfire from getting too close, and he unknowingly made Rampage too strong. So it’s all logical. But from a story-making standpoint, if one idea is that Optimus was willing to lie about letting Rampage’s escape, and that becomes a heroic moment for him, and then at the end, this other idea is presented that Optimus faults himself for Rampage’s escape, suddenly Optimus is tarnishing his own moment of sacrifice for Crossfire’s sake. That’s fascinating, and kinda poignant, though at the same time, I wonder if it doesn’t take some of the climax… out of the climax. If Optimus’ victory is letting people think undeservedly bad things about him, and then he turns around and thinks those bad assessment are, perhaps, somewhat deserved…

Well, at this point, you know much more about your story than I do. I’ll trust the really gritty thematic details like that to your care.

At any rate, here are some mechanical suggestions. Before going through these edits, I apologize in advance for any grammatical mistakes and typos that I will ironically make in explaining myself.

“After the signing of the Pax Cybertronia which put an end to the war between the Maximals and Predacons, my career with the military opened new doors for me.”
This is super-picky of me, but I think the “which” after Pax Cybertronia could be deleted. Technically, that would make this sentence mean that the signing of the Pax Cybertronia ended the war, while I… believe the sentence currently means that the Pax Cybertronia itself put an end to the war, but I think those two ideas are essentially the same. The reason I suggest the change, then, is that without a comma after “Cybertronia” or a set of dashes instead of commas, the phrase, “which put an end to the war between the Maximals and Predacons,” is a relative clause. In that case, it ought to be modifying something from the main clause; but here, it’s modifying either the gerund (signing) or proper noun (Pax Cybertronia) from a prepositional phrase: “After the signing of the Pax Cybertronia…” And prepositional phrases can’t stand independently as main clauses.

I can’t say how every reader or listener would react to that sentence structure, of course, and I’m not about to claim that I knew everything I just wrote while I was reading this sentence in the script the first time around. But for my part, when I first read the sentence, I wondered what the word “which” was modifying. Now that I know it’s modifying the preceding material in the sentence, I’m still left to wonder whether it refers to “signing” or to “Pax Cybertronia.” Or maybe you don’t mean to specify either/or, and “which” refers to the entire idea, “the signing of the Pax Cybertronia.” At any rate, I think it would all just read more smoothly without “which.” Otherwise, as mentioned above, you might be able to keep “which” if you separate the entire phrase it’s in through some means or another.

“It was there when I realized what I really believe.”
“It was there” seems to refer to location, so I’m not sure about the word “when” in here.

“I have grown so much wiser, so much more self-confident, and so much less timid as the years passed.”
“I have grown” is in present perfect tense, while “passed” is in past tense.

MAXIMAL 2: “How long do you think the peace with the Preds will last? The Maximal High Council has to be ready in case the Pax Cybertronia is short lived. They are probably trying to find an advanced weapon to take down the Preds. That’s what the Preds would do. Why shouldn’t we do it?”

OPTIMUS: “I don’t know...that doesn’t sound like the Maximal Elders.”

CROSSFIRE: “Maybe you just don’t know the Maximal Elders like you think you do. They’re always so secretive. No one really knows what they’re really like.”

OPTIMUS: [doubtfully] “But you’re talking about an experiment on another bot. That sounds so...Predacon.....”

MAXIMAL 2: “Are you really so naive to think the Maximal Elders aren’t capable of something like this?”

Do what you want to with this, but I figured I should note my confusion. At first, Maximal 2 suggests that experimenting on another ‘bot to develop an advanced weapon is morally acceptable. He poses the question, “Why shouldn’t we do it?”

But his last line seems to suggest disregard for the actions of the Maximal Elders. Optimus calls experimentation horrible. So, the question for a person who thinks it’s morally acceptable to experiment on another seems to me like it shouldn’t be “Are you that naïve; do you really think the Maximal Elders aren’t capable of… something like this (do you really think the Maximal Elders aren’t corrupt; do you really think they aren’t barbarous)?” Instead, it seems like the question should be… “What’s so Predacon about that (what’s the problem here in the first place; why do you think this is wrong, O.P.?”

But maybe I’m just reading things the wrong way.

Then, I did something completely unlike me. Or at least, I did something completely unlike the bot I used to be. I asked Crossfire to show me the room. I had to see it for myself. I had to know what was going on. Once outside the room, I was shocked to feel the floor shake under my feet, to hear the supernatural screams from inside the room, but I was even more shocked to see that someone had left the door unlocked.”
So, plot question. Just before Crossfire and Optimus enter, the floor is shaking and Rampage is screaming. That means he’s being experimented on, right? And in his being tortured, wouldn’t there naturally be other ‘bots watching Rampage’s reactions to the torture? Why would the experiments get conducted if there wasn’t any data being collected?

So how is it that the next moment, Crossfire and Optimus enter, and nobody else notices them the entire time that they’re speaking—and then fighting—with Rampage?

And then, it matters a little less, but I’ve also got this detail running through the back of my mind. If this is a top secret project ordered by the Maximal Elders, why is nobody guarding the door that Optimus and Crossfire enter through, or perhaps the room itself that they enter into?

“Optimus, as punishment, you will be asked to leave this facillity. We will be transferring you to work aboard the Axalon. It is a science exploration vessel working in conjunction with this project. It is scheduled to leave for its first mission within the next solar day. You will not set foot on Cybertron again unless personally requested by the Maximal High Council. Is that clear?”

If Optimus’ punishment for letting X escape (while the Elders believe him to be at fault and Crossfire to have been a hero) was to board the Axalon, why exactly do they end up entrusting him with the mission of getting rid of Protoform X later? I’m not saying it’s beyond explaining, but then maybe it ought to be explained.

RHINOX: “I asked to be transfered to the Axalon too.” [RHINOX and OPTIMUS walk out together. As they leave RHINOX turns to him.] “Can I call you Optimus, yet?”

OPTIMUS: [chuckles] “Maybe one day.”

[scene fades]

OLDER OPTIMUS: “If I hadn’t been transfered to the Axalon, Rhinox would never have left with me. He would have still been on Colony Omicron when Protoform X destroyed it three solar days later.

I think “transfered” needs to be “transferred.” But anyways, “If I hadn’t been transferred to the Axalon, Rhinox would never have left with me,” confuses me. Does this mean… if Optimus hadn’t been forced to leave on the Axalon, he would have died, and Rhinox would have, too? Because then Optimus makes a strange omission in saying that “He” (Rhinox) would have still been on Colony Omicron—“we” (Optimus and Rhinox) would have still been there. Did you mean to say that if Rhinox hadn’t been transferred to the Axalon, he would never have left with Optimus?

And then, here are some things which won’t matter when your script is read, so I’m not sure how much they really matter at all. But in case you were interested:

OPTIMUS: “Yes Sir.”
I think there needs to be a comma between “Yes” and “Sir.” This happens again two lines down.

”We will begin our training promptly at dawn tomorrow morning, please be ready for a full day of work.”
I think that should be a semicolon between “morning” and “please” rather than a comma.

“Failure to do as instructed, will result in immediate removal from the program. Am I clear?”
I think the comma here might be technically misplaced. But then… since this is about reading out loud, it might be in your best interest to follow the sound of speech for your cues in writing punctuation rather than the technical rules of writing. So if you like the comma; hey, keep it.

ALL RECRUITS: “Yes Sir.”

“Okay, let’s stop for a moment and think logically. Why would the Maximal elders want to experiment on another bot?”
Maximal Elders.

RHINOX: “Don’t let them get to you, O.P. They don’t know anything. They’re wrong about the elders.”
Elders.

PROTOFORM X: “Well...what are you waiting for? Now’s your chance? Be the hero you long to be. Set me free. Free me from my prison.”
“Now’s your chance,” works as a question. But just to make sure; did you mean that question mark at the end of that sentence, or was it meant to be a period?

X screams in pain and drops OPTIMUS. OPTIMUS runs over to CROSSFIRE to carry him to safety. X screams, this time in anger, and grabs the bars of his cage. His strength was magnified by the pain and he pushes his body against the bars of his cage and they fall to the ground.
For the sake of verb-tense agreement, should this be, “His strength is magnified by the pain?”

Well, there you are. This script is well-written; a lot of these things I’ve pointed out are really picky, and a few of them might literally be negligible. I just figured I’d point them out if you wanted to know them.

So what’s this contest? Are we allowed to know?

[Blackrosefencer]

((EDIT: I completely forgot to mention...

The name I've used in fan fiction for pre-Beast-Wars Rhinox is "Chromax." It gives reference to his green color, sticks close to the name he will eventually have (so that the name he adopts in the Beast Wars has a bit of an explanation), and for as much as I'm allowed to say so, I think it kinda sounds like a chemical or a substance, which fits his scientific abilities.))

That is great! But I wouldn't want to steal it.

The sense I get from the story is not that he thinks others are disappointed in him; I instead get the feeling that he’s ashamed of getting far too much credit from them. He is indeed embarrassed about his past accomplishment of saving his leader, because he thinks he acted as a coward back then, but it is that very self-condemnation which makes him ashamed of all of the honor other people bestow on him. In fact, one of the key decisions for Optimus—letting Crossfire draw closer to the cage, soon after which, X starts destroying Crossfire—results not from his fear of being called a coward, but his fear of almost the opposite accusation. Crossfire accuses him of wanting to be like Optimus Prime and demands that he let someone else be the hero; Crossfire is accusing him of arrogance rather than fear.

That works as a turning point in the story, of course, and it shows Optimus in one of his weaker moments—he would have done better to stick by his defensive instincts and keep Crossfire back. And the fact that it was his fear of someone else’s misperception which led him to make that mistake does allow for his claim in front of the Maximal Elders to represent a change in his character; now he lets people midjudge him openly.

But, ironically, he may have gone too far the other way. He hated people giving him too much credit, so now he lets them think less of him than he deserves. I can’t help but wonder how much of a victory that actually is. He finally doesn’t care what people think about him in one sense, because they’re finally not trying to praise him falsely. But firstly I ask, would he still care if he was being wrongfully praised? Has he actually grown as a character, or has he just finally gotten a momentarily relieving exposure to the opposite side of things—the false praise has finally been replaced by false disregard? And secondly, I want to point out that in getting everyone else to stop lauding him, he’s finally making everyone else think the wrong way. Before, he always told the truth, and tried to get others to realize what he was actually like. Now he has become a liar. One of the biggest problems with that is that there’s still misconception floating around about him, and it’s no longer everyone else’s fault; it’s his alone (and Rhinox’s, because he asks Rhinox to keep his secret). In one sense, that means he cares what people think about him even more than before. Of course, he has that care for Crossfire’s sake; he wants people to think badly of him so that they’ll think well of Crossfire.

But if his problem, as first presented in the story, is that he thinks he can’t live up to everything people say well about him, I feel like the truest resolution of that plot would be that he finds the confidence within himself to simply live up to the best person that he can be, as Rhinox suggests he should do. That doesn’t mean he’d stop fending off claims of fighting 50,000 Predacons at once; it just means that he’d want to disprove the claims because they are false rather than because they remind him of his own feelings of inferiority and are also false.

Hmmm....you've brought up a really good point here. I hadn't thought of that before. That is why I asked for someone else to read it! I'd have never caught on to that.

Still, the fact that this doesn’t become the resolution to Primal’s story arc in your script isn’t a bad thing. Optimus doesn’t have to mature completely by the end of the story. Perhaps the voice of the older Optimus could explain how he truly learned to stop caring about overly-heroic comparisons with Optimus Prime later on life, or perhaps you could just leave the story somewhat open-ended.

Yeah, I can do that. I don't want to change the idea completely. I think it is really important to him that Crossfire die a hero since it was what Crossfire had wanted. But he shouldn't try to completely destroy his reputation either. So I need a sort of happy medium.

Perhaps he can describe it in a way that shows them both at fault. I don't think it would be of his nature to want to point fingers and say that it was entirely Crossfire's fault. He'd probably want to take some of the blame anyway. So maybe he can say "WE got too close to the cell." He could say WE got too close and still say that Crossfire was the one who saved him. He could just lie about who Protoform X grabbed first instead of who was really to blame.

When Optimus says he still blames himself for X’s escape, does he mean he still claims in public that it was his fault in honor of Crossfire’s memory? In that case, it sums up what the story says right now very well, and I would only think of rewording it to make your meaning clearer. If it says instead that Optimus has truly become guilty for X’s escape… that’s really complex—borderline contradictory even, but not just quite. I mean, I get it. Optimus went in the room, he failed to stop Crossfire from getting too close, and he unknowingly made Rampage too strong. So it’s all logical. But from a story-making standpoint, if one idea is that Optimus was willing to lie about letting Rampage’s escape, and that becomes a heroic moment for him, and then at the end, this other idea is presented that Optimus faults himself for Rampage’s escape, suddenly Optimus is tarnishing his own moment of sacrifice for Crossfire’s sake. That’s fascinating, and kinda poignant, though at the same time, I wonder if it doesn’t take some of the climax… out of the climax. If Optimus’ victory is letting people think undeservedly bad things about him, and then he turns around and thinks those bad assessment are, perhaps, somewhat deserved…

Well, at this point, you know much more about your story than I do. I’ll trust the really gritty thematic details like that to your care.

Hmm...well, perhaps he can just say that he blames himself for Crossfire's death. Maybe he can be kind of undecided about who is to blame regarding Protoform X. Or maybe he could say that he has come to the realization that it was really no one's fault. X escaped and he used their naivety to do it. So at most maybe he just regrets being too trusting.

MAXIMAL 2: “Are you really so naive to think the Maximal Elders aren’t capable of something like this?”

Do what you want to with this, but I figured I should note my confusion. At first, Maximal 2 suggests that experimenting on another ‘bot to develop an advanced weapon is morally acceptable. He poses the question, “Why shouldn’t we do it?”

But his last line seems to suggest disregard for the actions of the Maximal Elders. Optimus calls experimentation horrible. So, the question for a person who thinks it’s morally acceptable to experiment on another seems to me like it shouldn’t be “Are you that naïve; do you really think the Maximal Elders aren’t capable of… something like this (do you really think the Maximal Elders aren’t corrupt; do you really think they aren’t barbarous)?” Instead, it seems like the question should be… “What’s so Predacon about that (what’s the problem here in the first place; why do you think this is wrong, O.P.?”

But maybe I’m just reading things the wrong way.

This is another good point. I need to decide if Maximal 2 agrees with the elders or not....

Then, I did something completely unlike me. Or at least, I did something completely unlike the bot I used to be. I asked Crossfire to show me the room. I had to see it for myself. I had to know what was going on. Once outside the room, I was shocked to feel the floor shake under my feet, to hear the supernatural screams from inside the room, but I was even more shocked to see that someone had left the door unlocked.”
So, plot question. Just before Crossfire and Optimus enter, the floor is shaking and Rampage is screaming. That means he’s being experimented on, right? And in his being tortured, wouldn’t there naturally be other ‘bots watching Rampage’s reactions to the torture? Why would the experiments get conducted if there wasn’t any data being collected?

So how is it that the next moment, Crossfire and Optimus enter, and nobody else notices them the entire time that they’re speaking—and then fighting—with Rampage?

And then, it matters a little less, but I’ve also got this detail running through the back of my mind. If this is a top secret project ordered by the Maximal Elders, why is nobody guarding the door that Optimus and Crossfire enter through, or perhaps the room itself that they enter into?

Hmmm...I was contemplating this. Perhaps there can be an accident right before they get there and the bots who are there, in their haste to clean up the accident, leave the door opened. If no one was supposed to be done there, they could get a little careless in the time of crisis thinking that they could quick clean things up and be back at the door before anyone took notice.

“Optimus, as punishment, you will be asked to leave this facillity. We will be transferring you to work aboard the Axalon. It is a science exploration vessel working in conjunction with this project. It is scheduled to leave for its first mission within the next solar day. You will not set foot on Cybertron again unless personally requested by the Maximal High Council. Is that clear?”

If Optimus’ punishment for letting X escape (while the Elders believe him to be at fault and Crossfire to have been a hero) was to board the Axalon, why exactly do they end up entrusting him with the mission of getting rid of Protoform X later? I’m not saying it’s beyond explaining, but then maybe it ought to be explained.

Another good point. I think maybe his punishment shouldn't be because of X escaping. His punishment should be because of violating policy. He went somewhere where he wasn't allowed to go. Maybe later Optimus could say he volunteered for it to right the wrongs he had felt he had done.

RHINOX: “I asked to be transfered to the Axalon too.” [RHINOX and OPTIMUS walk out together. As they leave RHINOX turns to him.] “Can I call you Optimus, yet?”

I think “transfered” needs to be “transferred.” But anyways, “If I hadn’t been transferred to the Axalon, Rhinox would never have left with me,” confuses me. Does this mean… if Optimus hadn’t been forced to leave on the Axalon, he would have died, and Rhinox would have, too? Because then Optimus makes a strange omission in saying that “He” (Rhinox) would have still been on Colony Omicron—“we” (Optimus and Rhinox) would have still been there. Did you mean to say that if Rhinox hadn’t been transferred to the Axalon, he would never have left with Optimus?

I meant that Rhinox asked to be transferred. So yes, if Optimus hadn't gone to the Axalon, Rhinox wouldn't be there either. They both would have died in the attack on Colony Omicron. But Optimus would be thinking more about Rhinox's safety than his own.

So what’s this contest? Are we allowed to know?

Well, there are two contests. A script writing contest and a Voice actor contest. The winners of the voice actor contest will be reading the winning script from the script writing contest. It's for TFexpo. Not to mention Gary Chalk will be reading the voice of Optimus which will be the COOLEST thing ever! I would be honored to have him read my script! So I figured I'd get people to read it before I submit it so that I stand a chance.

[Blackrosefencer]

Okay, I'm hoping that I've fixed some of the plot holes mentioned by Blazemane. I've edited the first post with the changes. Hopefully I've taken care of all discrepancies. Please let me know if I missed anything! Hope you like the changes.

Also, I settled for the name Nox as a pre-beast wars name for Rhinox. It is not overly creative, but I didn't want to steal Chromax.

[Phoenix]

Was Optimus' full name Optimus Primal prior to the beast wars? I always thought Primal was a play on 'primate' or as the dictionary puts it.. Relating to an early stage in evolutionary development.

Anyways, I'm liking this story a lot thus far. Haven't quite gotten through it yet, due to kids not letting me get past a certain point, but I do like the portrayal of the young Optimus a lot. Will comment more when I get through the entire thing.

[Blackrosefencer]

Was Optimus' full name Optimus Primal prior to the beast wars? I always thought Primal was a play on 'primate' or as the dictionary puts it.. Relating to an early stage in evolutionary development.

I originally had Optimus' name just as Optimus. But then I watched the episode "Deep Metal" and no one introduces him to Depth Charge. Depth Charge already knows who Optimus is and he doesn't address him as Optimus....the first thing he says to Optimus is "Primal." My thought process is that Optimus' name had to have been Optimus Primal on Cybertron.....how else did Depth Charge know his name?

[Phoenix]

I originally had Optimus' name just as Optimus. But then I watched the episode "Deep Metal" and no one introduces him to Depth Charge. Depth Charge already knows who Optimus is and he doesn't address him as Optimus....the first thing he says to Optimus is "Primal." My thought process is that Optimus' name had to have been Optimus Primal on Cybertron.....how else did Depth Charge know his name?

Hmm, interesting point there. It could, of course, merely be a scripting error when they made the show, or perhaps (for some reason) he had already earned the Primal part of his name. In a very early episode of BW (might have been the first one) I was given the impression he only took the name after they crashed on Earth yet maybe..

[WorpeX]

For those who don't know, Blackrose won a contest for this script and the prize was for it to be read by Gary Chalk! FURTHERMORE Our very own OOP performed in the reading as well which makes it all the more awesome. Congratulations!!!!!!

I really hope they get a video of this cause I REALLLLY want to see it!

[Blazemane]

That's awesome, Blackrosefencer! Congratulations!

Yes, please let there be a video...

[WorpeX]

That's awesome, Blackrosefencer! Congratulations!

Yes, please let there be a video...

Well, this is what my sister said on facebook...

"Sadly, my night of being a temporary celebrity is at an end. It was awesome. Candice and the other voice actors did an amazing job reading my script. I got my picture taken with Gary Chalk (voice of Optimus Primal in Beast Wars), had a professional photographer video tape the script reading, got a free beautiful poster as a prize for winning the contest, had lots of people asking questions about my writing, and even had a little girl ask me for my autograph (she played a character in my script). It was a great night and now I'm beat!"

So it sounds like we're going to see a video!!!!

[una]

Holy Crap! Congradulations on winning the contest, Blackrosefencer! That is awesome!

Can't wait to see the video whenever it comes up.

[Blackrosefencer]

Thanks everyone! It was the coolest thing ever! They had me sitting next to Garry during the script reading auditions. And the audition-ees would read the script and Garry would give them some constructive criticism about how to improve. He actually was interpreting the lines in much the same way that I was hearing them in my head which was really cool! Then at the pizza party, I introduced the script and, later, one of the actors came up and asked me to sign her script. And I had my picture taken with Garry Chalk! And I met OOP in person for the first time too. lol. It was so much fun! And it was a huge confidence boost for me regarding my writing. My mom said I should work on finishing some stuff I've written.

Anyway, someone was video taping the script reading, but I have no idea when it will be posted on youtube, but as soon as it is, I will post a link here....that is, as long as OOP is not opposed.

[Alak]

Congrats!!!