((OOC: Sorry for taking so long on this, but here is my and OOP's joint post!
))
Whitegrazer felt it. She felt the link between her and Zodiac shatter. Right now, she felt nothing, and it made her go to a tragic yet inevitable conclusion that Zodiac had fallen into the molten lava below and has now joined the Matrix. Maybe... Maybe he could find something there. Experienced more up there than he experienced here in this life. Already, she seemed to draw some peace with that fact despite her not wanting Zodiac to perish here. But she knew Optimus wouldn't. He wanted Zodiac here right now. He had questions he wanted answered. About Nexus. About what really happened back there. She understood his yearning for answers, and the frustration and anger at not getting some form of closure. Especially as she watched Optimus shoot at Megatron as he was making his retreat with the Predacons.
Nemesis flew away, which she was glad the Decepticon-turned-Predacon was able to escape. Wondered how she felt about all of this.
She watched as Optimus and Rattrap made their way towards them. She could feel his guilt for failing to save Zodiac's life. She didn't know what happened in those moments, but she knew Optimus would have tried his best to save Zodiac. A lot of things... just didn't go the way they wanted to. What they planned. It has been a mantra for the last few days, and it has taken it's toll on everyone. Including herself. As Optimus sat beside her and placed his shot up arm around her, she looked over Optimus' state. He was battered and bleeding from the chest area. There was still that scratch on his mouth. Cheeks strained with tears. Some were fresh. At first, she wondered if she should ask or say something. Maybe there wasn't much to say. Maybe just platitudes, but she just wanted to say something towards him.
I'm sorry about Nexus, Optimus. I may be able to speak to my mentor, but I have lost people I cared about before. In many horrific ways. Things left unsaid. It hurts. But I have no doubt in my mind that Nexus loved you. Nexus would be proud of you. she said after a great deal of thought.
I'm also sorry about Zodiac. That you couldn't get some of the answers you have hoped. But it isn't over yet. You may not have the answers you seek now, but that doesn't mean you won't get them. Maybe when we get back to Cybertron... You can found them.
You truly are incorruptible. Nexus would have been proud. Over and over again Zodiac's words replayed in Primal's mind as well as watching him fall, especially when Whitegrazer said the same thing, causing him to miss a lot of what she was saying. Everything came full frontal then, all the emotions and the sobbing that he had suppressed earlier because of the battle. He covered his face with his hand and leaned forward a little. He forgot everything else at that moment, all of his injuries and the pain they caused. All he saw was Nexus and Nexus seeing who he thought was him before his death. He was gone. Nothing could be changed. Nothing could be answered.
"Zodiac said the same thing..." he muttered to Whitegrazer.
He hopelessly shook his head at her words. Right now, he couldn't fathom a way off of Earth. He couldn't think of a way to ever reach Cybertron again. He'd never get his answers, and they would never know what Zodiac might have known about the Vok. And most assuredly, the aliens would be notified soon and on their way back. It was all a complete mess.
Pretty much a failure at everything, right? the voice smirked.
Optimus wanted to punch that voice out of his head despite its correct observation. Instead, he sat there next to the Empath, quietly sobbing. Her words helped a little bit but it was not enough at that moment. He felt lost and vulnerable, and he was exhausted from trying to be strong all the time, pretending that no one could wear him down, that he couldn't be stopped. This war... He never realized what the real heroes of war went through until he was stranded on this planet with his crew and Megatron.
After a few minutes, he calmed down and wiped his face.
"Everyone... did well today. We did our best... All things considered," Primal commended them.
"I mean... we survived to live another day, right? Landslide, if you could give me a report later on your encounter with Deathroll, I would appreciate it. And, Rattrap, another job well done leading this team. By the way, Blackarachnia had your six back there. Umbra was coming toward you while you were fending off Nemesis but she stopped him."
Primal's orange optics finally settled back onto Whitegrazer's, searching for something; comfort perhaps. Then they drifted to her wounds and he reached toward her severely damaged shoulder with his blood-stained hand but he stopped himself and pulled his arm back, shaking his head.
"You can't feel him anymore... can you?" he asked her quietly, ever hopeful that Zodiac might still be alive.
"You might have been right about him," he added before his thoughts shifted.
"How did you... How did you make those missiles explode...?" Optimus softly recalled.
Rattrap heard what he said about the black widow and didn't want to believe him. Even if she did do that, it was probably just to benefit herself in some way, to make him let his guard down. Surely she hadn't done it out of the kindness of her spark since they didn't like each other, or being a team player on team that she didn't want to be on. He rolled his optics, yet the thought lingered that maybe, just maybe, Blackarachnia was still a Maximal deep down no matter how much she denied it.
"Well, hopefully you'll get better soon so I won't have ta keep playing dis leadership role," he said calmly, accepting the ape's first compliment.
"I didn't know..." She watched as Optimus cover his face with his hands. She didn't know what Zodiac said to him during those last few moments. But if Zodiac said that, she wondered... Did Zodiac really mean that? As she searched through those last few moments where she still carried her link towards the former shapeshifter, the shapeshifter's prideful nature seemed to be beaten down, especially after he lost his abilities, and it made her believe that Zodiac might have meant what he said. Looking at Optimus once more, she wondered if she should express what she felt from Zodiac.
Zodiac... I think, despite it all, he was envious of you. He watched you and Nexus, seeing what type of relationship you two had, something that he might never have. It angered him. Maybe, maybe in those last few moments, Zodiac realized that, and maybe said it to you because it was true.
Optimus started to sob. All the weight on his shoulders. All the loss and pain he went through today. Everything was spilling out in his tears. She had heard what that inner voice said to Optimus. The feeling of anger that was quickly subsided because of his overwhelming sorrow. It pained her to see him like this, but he needed this. He needed to let it all out. To not keep it in. To let it all out in the comfort of those who loved him. Who understood this pain and loss. But letting himself open up in this way would help in his recovery, even if it hurts so deeply. She wanted to touch... To hug him. But she didn't want to touch him without his permission.
Whitegrazer said nothing, but she smiled. At Optimus. at the others with them. Despite the harrowing days, everyone did good. They did the best they could under circumstances that some weren't even trained for. Especially Optimus. It hurt her to see that these people, these good people, had to continue this bloody war because of her failure. If they did their jobs properly, maybe these people weren't have had to go through this. She gave her hand to Optimus, if he wished to hold her hand for comfort. She noticed his hand reaching for her shoulder, which she didn't mind. But his hand stopped. She kept her hand out though.
You did good, Optimus. A weaker bot would have been dead or worse, like Zodiac, given in to the angry and hate. You... you are stronger than you realize. It might not seem like it now, but you are.
"No... I felt an intense pain then there was nothing." she answered him sadly. Optimus' comment made her realize what she suspected that Zodiac did have hope. It was a shame that hope for a better life for him... Died with him. When Optimus asked her about the exploding missiles, she looked a bit embarrassed like she was caught doing something bad, but the feeling dissipated. After all, she used it on missiles, not Cybertronian. "Depending upon the situation, sometimes, when, if, the pain inside me, physical and or emotional, the force of it can be compounded into the physical realm. A long time ago, that would have manifested into a big aura, which would have affected those around me, but with intense training, I learned to focus and channel such an occurrence.
"That's the sign of a good leader." She looked at both Optimus and Rattrap. "The ones who take it because it is the right thing to do, and know what they must give it up, temporary or permanent." She smiled, glancing at Optimus. "You will get better. It will take time, but you will. Because no matter what, you will always be our leader."
Optimus nodded slightly.
He listened to her quietly. Was that really part of it? It could have been. It sounded like it might have been...
Nexus would have been proud, Zodiac's voice repeated again in his mind.
Am I? he asked with uncertainty. Primal didn't feel like he deserved her praise or positive reinforcement. He was still guilty for what had happened, for being involved in creating such a troubled soul who was hell-bent on killing everyone. He seemed to take a moment to look himself over. Perhaps physically he was stronger than he looked, taking everything that Megatron had thrown at him and then some. But he was mentally haunted and emotionally compromised. Right now he was a complete mess. However, looking deeper, perhaps Whitegrazer's words held some truth. He was still alive, and his crew was still alive. Everything they had been through, maybe they could survive a little longer after all. Despite his own contradicting thoughts, he leaned toward Whitegrazer and wrapped his arms around her. She meant well with her endless support and optimism, he knew, and he cared about her so much. The love he had for her for was unlike he had ever felt before. He held her close in their embrace, his dismantled energy desperately, aggressively reaching for her's to absorb and to feel "normal" again. It was difficult to let her go, but he did so slowly.
Optimus bowed his head for a moment, as if taking a moment of silence for Zodiac and accepting that he must have expired if she could no longer feel him. At least... he wasn't in pain anymore. Then, what she explained next peaked his interest.
His depressed and somber expression took one of curiosity now as he looked into her optics, her poor, beautiful face damaged from Megatron's kick earlier.
"I've never seen anything like it before," he confessed softly.
"It's quite extraordinary." She was extraordinary. How did one acquire such an ability? Was it only for Empaths like her? He understood the risks, though, like she mentioned, and would hesitate to ask her to ever do it again.
"You know what would be great, 'Grazer?" Rattrap interrupted.
"If you could just make all of de Preds' weapons explode at the next battle so we'd out-gun 'em fer once." He grinned with hope and eagerness despite how unrealistic it sounded. He just wanted an advantage over them from now on.
"Come on, yer makin' me blush," Rattrap joked, but he appreciated what she said.
"It's still my least favorite job."
Primal's reaction was far different from the rat's.
"I am no saint," he proclaimed.
"Now everyone knows the darkness in my past. A darkness I carelessly forgot which put all of you in danger." Then he looked at Whitegrazer, and privately added to her alone,
Zodiac was not the only one I was a part of torturing. There were others... Though he continue explaining, there was a sudden scream of an unknown voice to her that she might have felt before through their connection, but was all too familiar to Optimus. A flash of the tormented's face, too quick to make out the details, and the loud sound of rattling chains. Optimus blocked the rest of it with a large red "X" being the last thing she saw. He looked away, ashamed.
"I fooled everyone into thinking I was innocent and pure, but I'm not." He shook his head with disappointment.
"The way I see Cheetor and Aurora look up to me is the same as how I saw Nexus, who was not so innocent himself. It's a devastating feeling... What we had done was immoral and unethical. He should have known better, and I should have known better, too."
She believed so. As Optimus wrapped her in his embrace, feeling his soul calling for her warmth and comfort, feeling that he didn't deserve her compassion, which wasn't true at all, he did deserve it, her head gently rested on his shoulder and her hand gently placed over one of Optimus'. As he let her go from his embrace, she also bowed her head for Zodiac. She wished he was finally finding some peace, some life free from what he had went through. Part of her carried a motherly sorrow for Zodiac. After all, his nanomachines... his abilities were forged through her own abilities. In a way, he was created from her. Just like Aurora was created in process from Nemesis' nanomachines within Nightmist's body. Another parallel it seemed they shared together.
"Extraordinary." She smiled at the descirption Optimus used. She never heard anyone see that with a wonder and amazement. Always the phrasing came out with a dark curiosity and obsession. Jealousy. Anger. Fear. To have someone say it in a way that made her feel like these abilities were a force of good rather than something to be exploited made her content.
She looked at Rattrap and nodded, "Yes, you are correct. Though.." She smiled, trying to suppress a chuckle. "If you want that to happen, I might have to ask everyone from the Axalon to give me one good punch before I leave for battle."
She chuckled at Rattrap, but her playfulness changed to concern towards Optimus when he spoke. She was about to say something when Optimus spoke through her bond.
A scream echoed from Optimus, but it didn't sound like Optimus. There was something painfully haunting about it. It shook her. Surprised her. She was trying to decipher what she heard, trying to see if she could recall anything about that scream. But nothing was familiar. Shaking off the sudden surprise and shock of hearing such a sound, she spoke through the bond she shared with Optimus.
You don't have to talk about this now, if you don't want to. Sometimes, we must deal with things one at a time. Don't try to overwhelm yourself, Optimus.
"It's always hard to try to match the pedestal people put us on. Hurts when we don't actually live up to it. No one is a saint. I think anyone who thinks they can do the right thing all the time just set themselves up for a fall." She lowered her optics for a time. Same with her. She wasn't a saint. They were imperfect beings. They make mistakes, but Optimus owned up to his and saw what he did was wrong, and was trying to redeem himself. A good man would have done the same thing. For which Optimus was. She looked back up at Optimus. "Cheetor and Aurora are still coming into terms about what they witnessed today. They are young like we were. Still learning the world around them. It took them off guard, but that doesn't mean they see you differently. They are just worried about you. They want you to be okay. Nothing that happened today hasn't made them lose any respect or admiration for you. They love you."
Optimus managed to smile back at Whitegrazer despite everything, taking one of her hands in his and holding it casually but feeling her energy and feeding off of their small but effective physical contact. He absorbed her positivism and serenity like a sponge, which subdued the whisper in his tortured mind. Unknowingly, his grip on her hand grew a little tighter, somewhat in desperation, but not so much that it was uncomfortable to her. The way she repeated his compliment made him feel as though no one had ever categorized her Empath abilities in the pros column, it was always in the cons. He couldn't even imagine everything she must have endured in her life to make it where she was now, stranded on this planet with the rest of them.
Rattrap suddenly gave her a shocked look, thinking,
Uh, no! No way! Is that what it would take for her to do that trick again? He immediately thought against his suggestion and appeared a little bashful. Slightly, anyway.
Primal's optics widened at her's like he had just made a mistake. The memory happened so quickly and naturally that he didn't realize she would have seen or felt it, too.
I don't, he said with haste and looked away form her.
I mean, I do... Just... At a later time, perhaps... Of course, he would have to confess to his doing sooner or later. He could have been out there somewhere... any where... And if he survived, which was very likely, then they were sure to bump into him at some point.
She was right. She was absolutely right. And her words captured his orange optics again as he listened and nodded thoughtfully.
And I love them... I love my entire crew, Optimus told her sincerely as he bowed his head again and wiped away another tear with his free hand. While her kind words calmed him, he started to feel his body ache as well as some of her injuries. It wasn't a bad thing, it was just him coming to terms with reality and his adrenaline rush wearing off from the battle. And he realized it was better for him to move forward with everything that had happened, to learn from it and grow stronger from the losses, and to be there for his Maximals instead of wallowing in self pity and depression.
"And I love you, Whitegrazer. Thank you," he said with great gratitude.
"I'm afraid you and Banshee might have your hands full with me, but I will do everything it takes to get back to being myself. I have to. I can't be distracted when Megatron is on the loose and the Vok are likely to return." Nexus would have been proud, the renegade's voice repeated again.
"I won't be stopped," Optimus told himself out loud and defiantly.
"I will not give up."
Whitegrazer had been a little worried about her physical contact towards Optimus. She forgotten about his trauma and tried to not make any contact he didn't like. But it seemed Optimus wanted her contact, her embrace. That he yearned for it. Something she missed. It wasn't until she felt Optimus' hand squeeze her tighter that she realized such a thing. Didn;t want it to end. Part of her just wanted to stay in this moment. To soak it up. As long as lasts. She felt Optimus' absorb her positivity and calmness. Thoughts about her repeating the same word he used to describe her abilities. His thoughts about her here, and a part of just for one second wanted to explain something in the back of her mind. But she realized she couldn't. She just smiled, looking at Rattrap who took her little playfulness seriously due to his shocked face.
"It's okay, Rattrap. I'm a big girl. I can take a few hits. " She just kept her warm smile as she reassured her comrade. "And it s a useful ability on the battlefield. I mean... you should have seen the looks of the Predacons' faces when I did that."
She must have heard something she wasn't supposed to. It does happen, especially with the connection she shared with. It made sense that there were other things in Optimus' life. Just as there were certain things in her life she wasn't ready to share. Not yet. Also, there were things... she couldn't share. For the protection of those around her. As well as her own. So she wasn't going to badger Optimus about it. It would be hypocritical of her to do so.
Whenever you are ready. She looked at him and smiled.
Whitegrazer started to feel the aches of past battles as well as Optimus'. It seemed the adrenaline from the last battle for their lives worn off. Now, just as Optimus was feeling her pain as well as his, she was feeling it vice versa. More aware of the skid marks, thansk to Megatron's roller blades, still stinging her face. The part of her body smoldered almost completely black. Again, thanks to Megatron. But it was just physical marks. She paid them no mind. Optimus and the rest of their crew really needed some R&R when they got back.
"It will be hard work for all of us, but it would be worth it. You are worth it." She really wanted to let Optimus know that. "We will handle Megatron and The Vok whatever they throw at us. We all have learned so much. And with the help of Blackarachnia, we may yet have chance to stop what the Vok plan to do. But as for right now, we will wait and see. Take things one at a time." She was proud of Optimus' defiance towards what had happened. It was a first step towards recovery. He needed to believe in himself.
I love you too.
No matter what happens next, she was going to make sure she helped Optimus and the others deal with Megatron and the Vok. Especially the Vok. Whatever they planned, she will stop them. There wasn't going to be a repeat of last time where Optimus was almost sacrificed, thanks to Megatron's interference. No one was going to be sacrificed. This time. She would make sure of that.