BW Writing Workshop

[Joshin Yasha]

So... I'm interested in getting more writers into the BW fandom (because while it may have a lot of fans, there aren't any new writers).

I had an idea today about doing a BW Writing Workshop, where anyone who wants to write a fanfic that they've had an idea for can sign up here by posting bits and pieces of their fics, at which point myself, or any seasoned writer who would like to help, can critique and offer ideas to help new and struggling writers be better.

It wouldn't so much be the idea of of a beta reader, but more of having someone look at sections at a time, edit it, offer suggestions, and even do rewrites from their own perspective to show how descriptive language can be used to help improve the writing.

If anyone is interested, please leave me a message on here or even e-mail me at joshinyasha at yahoo dot com.

[Blazemane]

This sounds very interesting.

Yes, very interesting indeed.

[Tor]

Excellente! I'm in.

[Dalgaroth]

Oh oooh!

I think I'm okay at battle scenes but maybe I can make them better? Also, I'm stuck on a part in my Beast Wars fanfic. ._. Tor's been helping out a ton, but maybe you could too? I haven't updated my fic in months and I nnnnneedddd to! ;_; But I'm stuck with how to prganize everything so that it makes the most impact on the part that's most important to turning the tides of the epi.

[Joshin Yasha]

Dalgaroth, if you'd like to post a few paragraphs from the section you're working on, I can take a look at it and offer some suggestions?

[Dalgaroth]

:is very nervous:

Okay...

._.

I don't think I've ever EVER had anyone look at my writing before I was comfortable with it. n_n''''' But no matter what I do, I'm not sure I'm doing it well. Sooo.... I'll try something new! 8D

Um, there are some references to the chapter right before this one, so if something doesn't seem right , it probably is a carry over from the last section, possibly, I dunno...I have to read it again to make sure. xDD

Here's the section:

Beast Wars: Deep Impact

Rebel in Command, Part Three

--

--

“They’re…not here,” Airazor said dully. She stared at the cave entrance a moment before turning, subdued, to Depth Charge. The mech was angry.

Again.

Obviously.

“So, what do we do?”

Depth Charge shook his head.

“Prepare. They’ll be back,” he said, his head turning towards the forest. He could feel… No. He couldn’t. He pushed it away and kept his head turning, trying to pretend to himself that he had actually meant to look at … Inferno marching around at the opening to the lava pits. What the - ? “The slag is he doing?”

Tigatron answered as he walked forward in beast mode from his self proclaimed scouting mission, “He’s looking for scraps of the Predacon ship. Apparently, this is where the ship was. I hadn’t recognized it, since Tigerhawk’s entrance changed the landscape a bit, I believe… But no one else bothered to tell us anyway…”

Depth Charged huffed at that.

“Of course they didn’t.”

They went silent, Depth Charge keeping his gaze from the distant forest by glaring hard at the hard-working ant. Inferno noticed and straightened, snapping off a salute before resuming his duties with more efficient movement than the moment before. Depth Charge cringed and looked away, attempting to glare at the sun now. It was proving difficult…

“Depth Charge, I don’t think that’s good for your filters…” Airazor cautioned quietly behind him.

He was about to reply when the sun morphed.

No, something came out of it. Suddenly there was darkness in his vision and, blinded, couldn’t respond to the swift attack.

With a cackle, a bright red something hit Depth Charge in the chest with two missiles and the ray flew back in shock. Tigatron growled and transformed to robot mode, moving to cover Depth Charge. Airazor had leapt out of the way, but she was partly blinded by the bright star above too. Whoever it was they were using the sun to impair their vision!

“Don’t recognize your own trick, Airazor?” Terrorsaur’s voice sleezed over the wind.

“Terrorsaur!?” she yelped before kicking herself mentally. Of course it was Terrorsaur. However, it was surprising to see him. And the missiles coming her way – but those weren’t from the flyer! Those were –

She cursed and dove, the missile contacting the wall face behind her and detonating.

Rampage.

She looked over her shoulder to find that the blast had missed her by… a lot. Had he even been aiming? She vaulted to the side as a new volley of plasma came at her from Terrorsaur who was losing his blinding advantage as the bots scattered off in their different directions. He took off to get a new vantage point, but Airazor followed.

“Depth Charge, get up!” Tigatron called, firing at Rampage.

The ray stared in shock as his injuries healed up before his optics again. It hadn’t happened much since the last time he was attacked, so of course he felt that shock as clearly as he had the first time. But soon he recovered and was up on his feet again, angry heat warming his spark and optics seeking out a certain red crab.

“There, behind that jagged rock formation at two zero zero,” Tigatron informed him calmly from behind their cover.

But that information was unneeded. The blue mech had already honed in on the crab, and prepared himself to sprint over there but Tigatron placed a hand on his arm.

“No! We need you here! Look!” He pointed to Inferno who was fighting Waspinator and Tarantulas using Quickstrike as a shield. He was losing even if he didn’t know it - if only because Tarantulas was looking sneaky.

Depth Charge hesitated, optics snapping back to Rampage who was now firing in their direction but not directly at them…

The raybot let out a strangled sound and fired at Tarantulas before transforming into his flight mode and leaping over the battlefield in a tight arc before tackling Rampage to the ground. Tigatron was left sighing, frustrated, defending the cave entrance alone.

“Seriously, Terrorsaur? You think you can be leader when you’ve failed every time you tried before?” Airazor shouted in disbelief over the wind, firing more shots at the red flyer as she tried to keep up. She was fast, but his upgrades made him faster. Although, he was just as stupid as before – she was getting closer and he was getting increasingly distracted the more she got him to talk.

“Of course! I’d be a better leader than any of you any day! Better than Megatron, even….even though he wasn’t so great…” Terrorsaur paused a moment midair, and Airazor saw her chance. She dove in and wrapped her arms around his neck, a laser pistol shooting right into the wings mounted proudly on his back. He wailed in pain and they started to fall.

-0-0-

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?” Depth Charge yelled into Rampage’s surprised red face.

The crab blinked and recovered quickly.

“To be honest, I'm having fun,” he answered with an optic ridge raised.
Depth Charge paused.

“What?!”

“You heard me!” Rampage insisted with more enthusiasm, making his decision. “It’s been long enough that you’ve tiptoed around taking leadership when half of our … ‘team’ is willing to follow your lead anyway. I’m sure I’m not the only one you’ve heard that from, am I right?”

Depth Charge started to shake his head, his expression of bafflement turning to disbelief.

“Even you think you should lead, don’t you?” Rampage continued over the din of battle. Depth Charge’s shot had hit Tarantulas, who was now cursing at the loss of a few limbs. Inferno was practically seizing he was so caught up in a frenzy, poor Waspinator being beaten to pieces with Quickstrike now. The others the ray couldn’t see from where he was. “Why not? You have one chance to take it or else your new Predacon friends won’t stick as closely to your command as you would want them to. If there was anything Megatron did right as leader it was making an example of those who got in his way. If you don't have these idiots under your thumb are we ever going to get any work done?”

Depth Charge grimaced hard, his spark suddenly feeling like it was twisting, torn between throwing a tantrum and doing the right thing.

“I can feel that,” Rampage spoke again, tone somewhere between some perverse amusement and nauseated repulsion. Depth Charge was standing right over him, remora gun loaded and ready to blow Rampage's CPU to bits. But the proximity to the ray was all too familiar and he did not like being pinned for very long.

Depth Charge had been gauging the fight and his options, but now stepped back with a look of disgust.

“Slag off and stay out of my way,” Depth Charge warned hatefully, emotions retreating behind a wall as he disappeared around the rock.

Rampage shifted, uncomfortable. It felt so odd whenever the ray's normally constant emotional output cut off. Depth Charge could never hide before...

-0-0-

Terrorsaur never saw it coming.

The ground and the sky alternated behind Airazor’s determined face in front of him. His wing hurt like the Pit and with the stupid bird blocking his scanners and eyesight, he couldn’t regain his balance. It was their first battle all over again! Where were the others? They were supposed to be helping!

Just before he reached the ground, he found his balance as he managed to punch Airazor across the face. She lost her grip and he could finally see where the ground was. He positioned his thrusters under him and pushed upwards. Airazor was forced to let go and fell. He took the opportunity to shoot her down, getting her in the middle, but someone else found the opportunity too good to pass up.

Tigatron leapt, in beast mode, out of a standing pile of rocks and his jaws clamped tight over Terrorsaur’s face. His claws sunk into the flyer’s shoulders. Terrorsaur panicked and brought out every weapon available, his sharp elbow blades swishing forward to be used like swords. He slashed and shot at the cat with vehemence, but the Maximal held tight. The red Predacon blasted upwards, not knowing where he was going but needing to get away from being mauled.

He didn’t get far though.

Time seemed to slow as yet another something big, heavy, and hard collided with him and the cat. He couldn’t see what it was, but it hurt big time and they all went down. In nanoclicks they hit the hard, volcanic ground with sparks flying as they screeched to a halt. Tigatron finally released him and the next thing he saw was a black shadow headed by two bright red eyes. He scrambled backward, aching from the fall, the bite, and the bird’s attack as the shadow stood up, in perfect health.

A large hand wrapped around his throat and Terrorsaur blanched and went limp.

This was all too familiar.

The hand brought him up to optic level.

“Listen up, punk,” Deoth Charge hissed slowly, a reluctant but very serious note in his voice. “There are no sides anymore. We’re stranded here, all of us, and if we don’t all get off planet, we’ll completely ruin the universe as we know it…” He paused, the smaller mech still thinking how to remedy the situation, but the ray had most of his attention. “I’m leader now. You will listen to me, and whoever I appoint in charge. Betray me, and I will personally hunt you down and drag you back with your wings in one hand and the rest of you in the other. Understand me?” Depth Charge hissed.

Terrorsaur struggled with a strength he hadn’t had before, but Depth Charge didn’t move. He just glared with this piercing stare. Terroraur fully expected to be hit or thrown against something or crushed in this mech’s hands. The guy was just as solid as Megatron ever was!

But that didn’t happen.

Reluctantly, he tried to speak around the hand on his vocaliser.

“Uh…yeah…I think…” he answered, still tense.

“So we're clear?” Depth Charge grumbled lowly, piercing optics disconcerting Terrorsaur.

“I…Ah…” Terrorsaur choked out.

How anticlimactic was this? He’d swooped in ready to claim victory and instead it had been turned around in 3 nanos flat! He could see past Depth Charge at this elevated level and saw Tarantulas flipped over and being trampled on by Inferno, Quickstrike dangling limply in the ant’s hands. Rampage was….standing there! Rampage was just standing there!

And they’d looked like such a promising bunch.

If he could, he would have sighed and kicked something but couldn’t.

So he choked out his last words.

“As crystal!”

“Good.”

Terrorsaur was dumped next to a tiger with mechanical hackles raised off his back. He glared at it and looked away, rubbing his face.

Depth Charge

---

:/

I think it's okay but it just doesn't hit right. DC's supposed to take LEADERSHIP. And I think the battle was too short and I think Inferno had a little too much fun. But I'm to quite sure how to fix it and how to effectively close the episode off...

EDIT: I went back to reread the chapter before this one and I realized another thing that was bothering me - I was repeating myself. Certain words, phrases, and points have been repeated too often for my liking. x_x Like bringing up DC's leadership? AGAIN? Alright already! We know that! DX Stuff like that. I need a new angle, another punch line to egg DC on and one of the only ones I can think of is that Rampage has joined Terrorsaur simply to bait DC into taking leadership as implied in the chapter before this one. :/ So I need to bring that full circle...

[una]

Oh! This sounds awesome. It's a very good idea.

I had wrote one fic for Beast Wars and that was the very first time I tried to write. I know it's horrible.

But I want to try again! On my FF.net profile, I have two ideas. One is almost done but I really do want someone to look over it when it is finished.

And then I have this BIG story that I'm planning on doing for Beast Wars and I think you guys will enjoy it. Right now, it's being outlined. I just want to get flesh out my ideas before I start reading the story.

[Joshin Yasha]

Dalgaroth, I wanted to let you know that I'm working on some workshop techniques with what you've given me. So as soon as I finish adding my comments and suggestions, I'll post it here. Until that time I ask that no one else posts their own work here until I can present Dalgaroth's back as an example (along with a list of general rules provided at the end for everyone to start applying to their own works if they wish).

[Dalgaroth]

:nods:

Alright! Gotcha.

[Joshin Yasha]

Here's a glimpse at what I'm doing, and keep in mind, I haven't made it to the end yet to give you the proper advice that you would like about the direction of the story. (This is kinda why I wanted chunks at a time as opposed to a post all at once.) Non of this is meant to offend or hurt, so please don't take it as such, but this is how many writing workshops have gone that I've participated in.

=================
Okay, this is how this is going to work. We’re going to break your writing into chunks, look at things, and see what we can do. All the suggestions I’ll offer will be between the double lines, and, are, again, only suggestions. They are to help make the writing better. For example, of the following, I’ll re-write it two ways to show what else could be done to the writing to get it moving where you want, after that point, though, I’ll only offer one variation to keep things narrowed and focused.

Also, again, my goal is not to offend, so please don’t get angry with me for suggestions or comments that I make. Most of them are generalizations that can be applied to anyone’s writing, even my own.

Let’s begin…
=================

“They’re…not here,” Airazor said dully. She stared at the cave entrance a moment before turning, subdued, to Depth Charge. The mech was angry.

Again.

Obviously.

“So, what do we do?”

Depth Charge shook his head.

“Prepare. They’ll be back,” he said, his head turning towards the forest. He could feel… No. He couldn’t. He pushed it away and kept his head turning, trying to pretend to himself that he had actually meant to look at … Inferno marching around at the opening to the lava pits. What the - ? “The slag is he doing?”

=================
Version 1:
“They’re . . . not here,” Airazor resigned. She stared at the cave entrance a moment longer before turning, subdued, to Depth Charge.

The manta was obviously angry, again.

“So, what do we do?” she asked.

Depth Charge shook his head, and then spoke, “Prepare. They’ll be back.”

He turned his head towards the forest. He could feel . . . something. He hesitated, then decided to push away the thought as he turned his head. The manta was trying to pretend that he had actually meant to look at Inferno, who was currently marching around at the opening of the lava pits. What the-? “The slag is he doing?”

What we have in the above suggestion is something similar to what you wrote; in style, form, and writing. Small changes were made in this situation in order to remove the cumbersome “said” and in order to show a little bit more action.

The first rule of Writing Workshop 101 is that there’s always a substitute word for “said.” “Said,” as most college English 101 courses will explain, is that nasty little word that doesn’t show the emotion of a character. You can always write, “Joshin said, ‘She was sad,’ ” but the tone does not convey it. However, to make the audience feel what the characters are going through, you could instead write, “Joshin mourned, ‘She was unhappy.’ ”

This is why it’s always important to have a dictionary and thesaurus on hand when writing (or in most cases now, dictionary.com). You can always look up the word “said,” or any other word for that matter, and then click the thesaurus option to see what suggestions are given. The more you do this, the more the new words become incorporated into your writing, and even every day speech.

The second rule of WW101 is this: Character’s do not always have to be called by name, but instead can have common descriptions applied to them and their actions; however, fan nicknames are a no-no. For example, in the case of Depth Charge, some people like to use his common, online nickname “DC” when writing his actions. This is a no-no since it was never done in the show. What you can do, however, is substitute in descriptions of him, such as “manta,” “transmetal manta,” “blue and purple Maximal.”

“Mech” is another interesting description that some people like to substitute for “male.” A “mech” is a “mechanical” object, such as, for example, a Gundam suit that can be worn over top of an existing figure or robot. You can say “Male robot” and get away with it, if you like, or even “Male Maximal” or “Male Predacon.” Even just saying "the male" can be done.

It’s the same touchy issue with “femme.” Unless a character is a submissive lesbian, then it’s not proper to call her something she isn’t. Adjectival writing uses “feminine robot” or “female robot.”

Now that we’ve gone over two simple rules, let’s apply them and add some new rules!

Version 2:
“They’re . . . not here,” Airazor resigned, shoulders slumping in dismay before gazing once more upon the cave entrance that had housed the former Maximal base. She could feel the pinpricks of the giant blue and purple Maximal’s anger behind her; it wasn’t the first time today he had taken to silent rage. Instead of allowing herself to be subdued by the recent turn of events, the falcon inquired, “So, what do we do?”

Depth Charge shook his head. “Prepare,” he turned to face the forest before continuing, “they’ll be back.” He could feel – no; he couldn’t. He pushed the thought away and then allowed his head to gyrate past the forest lining his vision. The manta attempted to present himself as if he had originally intended to observe the oversized fire ant that was currently marching back and forth at the edge of the lava pits. “What the-? The slag is he doing?”

Here we have two paragraphs that convey the same information that was previously given, but also emphasize the quality of writing. In the above, Airazor is “resigned,” and the audience can read the literary repercussions of her resignation by knowing that her “shoulders” are “slumping in dismay.” Also, Depth Charge’s character is first introduced by a title, “the giant blue and purple Maximal,” and then followed by name in the second paragraph. The reverse is true of Airazor: she is first named, and then followed by a descriptive substitution – “the falcon.”

Now, the second paragraph, like the first, contains only one character’s set of dialog. Instead of spreading it out over multiple lines (which is sometimes overwhelming and confusing for the audience), it’s often a good idea to contain one characters dialog to one paragraph. Yes, sometimes suspenseful writing makes use of “let’s spread dialog over multiple lines to keep the audience on the edge of their seat,” but it’s not a good thing to do when there’s no reason to be suspenseful.

Another rule of WW101: there doesn’t always have to be “he said – she said” qualifiers before/after each set of dialog. That is, sometimes the actions of the characters in the paragraph can be just as pungent as “he said – she said.” In this case, we had Depth Charge’s dialog of “Prepare” separated from “they’ll be back” simply by stating “he turned to face the forest before continuing.” His actions, along with the overall focus of the paragraph, let the audience know who was speaking without being confused.

The fourth rule of WW101: inflections in dialog depend on what word is being emphasized, but should only be used when necessary. Here, in my example, I have the emphasis on “doing” because I could picture Depth Charge in my head as almost spitting the word with contempt. In times of a character being in intense rage, italics convey anger better than TYPING LIKE THIS!!!!

As an off subject example, my friend and I agree that the book City of Bones by Cassandra Clare has a redundancy in dialog on page 324. The quote from the book is this:

“JACE!” she interrupted him, her voice rising to a scream. “JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND AND LISTEN, WILL YOU?”

My friend and I agree that, since the author had already established that the character was screaming, nothing more than a “Just shut up for a second and listen, will you!” or “Just shut up for a second and listen, will you!?” would have sufficed. You haven’t done anything (yet, I don’t know, I haven’t read further at the moment) to break this rule, so don’t worry about this one yet! It’s just something that I typically try to cover with everyone.
=================

Tigatron answered as he walked forward in beast mode from his self proclaimed scouting mission, “He’s looking for scraps of the Predacon ship. Apparently, this is where the ship was. I hadn’t recognized it, since Tigerhawk’s entrance changed the landscape a bit, I believe… But no one else bothered to tell us anyway…”

Depth Charged huffed at that.

“Of course they didn’t.”

They went silent, Depth Charge keeping his gaze from the distant forest by glaring hard at the hard-working ant. Inferno noticed and straightened, snapping off a salute before resuming his duties with more efficient movement than the moment before. Depth Charge cringed and looked away, attempting to glare at the sun now. It was proving difficult…

=================
Tigatron was the first to answer as he rejoined the group from his scouting mission. He was in his familiar white with black stripes beast mode, intently focused on the Predacon ant while he jumped upon a nearby rock, tail swishing back and forth in frustration. “He’s looking for scraps of the Predacon ship. I hadn’t recognized it, but this is where it once was. Tigerhawk’s arrival changed the landscape . . .” He sniffed at the air before continuing, “Alas, no one bothered to tell us, anyway.”

Depth Charge huffed at that. “Of course they didn’t,” he spat, kicking his foot at the ground.

Silence fell upon them. Depth Charge kept his gaze from the distance forest by glaring hard at the diligent ant. It was then that Inferno noticed, and then straightened, snapping off a salute before resuming his duties. With more efficiency than before, the fire ant continued his paces about the edge of the lava pits. Depth Charge found himself cringing, and so he forced himself to glare at the sun, instead. It was proving a difficult choice.

Here I just used the same techniques as before, but I also emphasized something else: just because a character does something doesn’t necessarily mean their dialog needs to be offset as a new paragraph. For instance, I combined “Depth Charged (sic) huffed at that” with “Of course they didn’t” into one line, and even added some extra emphasis to show how he was “huffing.”

Another issue with Tranformer characters in general is that, because a lot of characters simply take their name from preexisting words, sometimes general spelling issues occur. For instance, characters have had names such as Dirge, Depth Charge, Prowl, Red Alert, Air Raid, Hot Rod, Inferno, Tarantulas (which Microsoft Word always wants to correct because the word is the exact same as the plural for “tarantula”). It’s actually a great way to name new, original characters, but it’s also difficult to catch certain spelling mistakes that Microsoft Word or other auto-correct functions may try to “correct.” What I like to do is do my own presets under the spelling tools in Word so that you can have “Depth Charged” auto-corrected to “Depth Charge”.
=================

[Dalgaroth]

Wow, very neat! I'm not offended in the least. n_n I do not get defensive about concrit as I always look to better my writing. But I do have some things to say I hadn't known to say before...although I dunno if it matters though.. since you're speaking to everyone. Uh.. well, I'll say them anyways:

BTW: Some notes are a little off simply because you're reading a snippet of a much longer story but I see what you're saying!! n-n

Some of the rules you're telling me I purposefully break in order to convey stream of conscious writing, but your rewriting of each section is helping me see a lot of alternate words I could use and different ways to say this or that. And, yes, I use Thesaurus.com quite often. n_n ( Also, I HATE the word 'said.' T_T Stupid said...)

Where sentences break off and become new paragraphs is an example - I do that to do what you said, keep the reader reading. There's nothing to be suspenseful about really (except the Preds could attack any moment). But I want the reader hooked on the moment, not pondering too much unless I want them to ponder. Or where I interrupt myself with hyphens and switch topic? I do that a lot because that's how DC or others are thinking. However, reading other ways to say something is helping! Just fyi.

I really like the Version 2s. So well written! It really accents the writing! But that's the problem - writing like that takes away from the involvement of the character and keeps the focus on the writing. ._. I don't want that. I want the reader in the characters' heads. It sounds great to me, but it sounds a bit bland since it doesn't convey exactly what I mean.

“They’re…not here,” Airazor said dully. She stared at the cave entrance a moment before turning, subdued, to Depth Charge. The mech was angry.

Again.

Obviously.

Right there, Airazor was looking at the cave entrance kinda like this: -_-

Because she was half expecting them to be there. Then she turns, same look on her face, to DC, who's generally grrrr. From the Reader's POV standing next to Airazor, kind of, you see DC's face and his anger and you go, "Yup. Again."

Kinda like that.

So how could I reword it to have that same effect? In a lot of my writing, I specifically choose this or that word or sentence structure to get across the body language of the character. Like, DC doesn't kick at the ground, he either shoots it, glares at it, ignores it, or takes his time and really KICKS it, for example.

'Resigned' and "slumped" and "dismay" kinda makes it like Airazor's given up or sad, even overdramatically sad, when actually she's slightly annoyed. >_> Do I say that?


“They’re…not here,” Airazor reported dully. She stared at the lair entrance a moment before turning, slightly annoyed, to Depth Charge, who stood behind her.

The mech was angry.

Again.

Obviously.

Like that?

And it's interesting about the Male and Female thing - I don't think they have genders like we do. At all. :/ Their masculinity and femininity does not come from their physicality but their coding and/or frame and/or mind. So writing femme and fembot are the only ways to distinguish the undeniable difference in her form and presentation to the others. If I could have a different pronoun for them, preferably the Cybertronian pronouns for he and she and it and whatever, I'd use that. :/ I think humans had an effect on Beast Era vocab and ideas and whatever, but since "femaleness" and "maleness" was never mentioned in the show, not even a "But that's a guy!" or something, (I believe they said 'shespider' more often than 'female spider' overall ) to an extent we could use as a reference, we don't know just how much difference there is in the genders and what the importance is, beyond the fact that every fembot, save like one or two, is associated with a 'male' partner. In the end, I use mech as in mecha, due to manga, and femme, femmbot, fembot, she, whatever because fembot was used in G1 i think, and they're obviously....feminine... >_>

I always use pronoun subs in my finished chapters, so I'll certainly make use of that. I never used 'blue and purple Maximal" before though. Woot!

Ah, italics and bold and capitals. n_n Again, I use them a lot to emphasize words I hear as stressed in my head. Everyone stresses words differently, so Tarantulas, for example, would have stresses on this word, instead of that word.

"You'd better get that thing back to base and hurry! Optimus is coming!"

Terrorsaur, on the other hand, might say:

"Hey, you'd better get that thing out of here quick! Optimus is coming!"

In DC's case, he was asking a question in sort of an annoyed disbelief or exasperation, not spitting it out. If I say someone is speaking loudly, I use regular case, but the louder the shout and the more important the words, the bigger and bolder and more slanted I go. xD When I say:

"HEY!" Depth Charge shouted. "WHAT THE SLAG ARE YOU DOING!?"

I mean he's really loud and angry. Saying:

"HEY!" Depth Charge shouted. "What the slag are you doing?"

looks like he's talking regularly again after he shouted... o_O

Taking what you said in to consideration, how can I convey the words of the characters in a way that does what I'm trying to do, without being misunderstood or messy?

Um, and Charged was me I think. xD Since D is right next to E, it was probably me. T_T Like how I'm always spelling Megatron, MEgatron. Stupid shift key. DX

Um, now all that said, I want you to know, again, that I'm not nitpicking or being defensive or blowing off what you're saying. I'm honestly listen - well, reading. I'd just like to ask questions and tailor the concrit to what I'm trying to do in my writing and manipulating them that way, rather than trying to conform to rules that may or may not suit what I'm trying to get across. Does that make sense? <_< So, I'm not being rude or mean or talking back or being an unruly student, I'm honestly trying to respond to what you're saying like a thinking person. ._. Dun kill meh!

[Joshin Yasha]

lol I'm not angry at all, you're actually doing what I had hoped and explaining your reasoning as a writer in an open forum that others can now read. You have a great idea for wanting to break from tradition, which is fantastic, but like you admit yourself, you need some help conveying what you need to say.

A comment about your emphasis before I continue the rest of the workshop:

You say that you would like to put your emphasis on the character, but not so much on the writing. While this is admirable, you have to remember that the emphasis on the character comes not only through their dialog, but also through their actions and how they're represented in the written word. As the audience doesn't have the benefit of an animated series to go with every person's creation (though that would be awesome, haha!), they have to rely on the details that we as writers give them.

I really like the Version 2s. So well written! It really accents the writing! But that's the problem - writing like that takes away from the involvement of the character and keeps the focus on the writing. ._. I don't want that. I want the reader in the characters' heads. It sounds great to me, but it sounds a bit bland since it doesn't convey exactly what I mean.

Writing like that doesn't take away from the involvement of the character. It accentuates each character further by giving them life through the writen word, rather than just dialog. Yes, in the TV show the dialog is what gave these characters lives and personality, but in fanfic form we have to be able to give them personalities through writing inner dialog, omniscient prose, and just flat out having fun with it.

“They’re…not here,” Airazor said dully. She stared at the cave entrance a moment before turning, subdued, to Depth Charge. The mech was angry.

Again.

Obviously.

Something to emphasize the character, and not take away from them like you're worried, would be with something like this....

"They're . . . not here," Airazor sighed, half hoping the other Maximals would have been inside, waiting to greet them. She stared at the cave entrance a moment longer before turning, subdued, to face Depth Charge. She could tell he was leaking anger from every inch of his body.

Again, it was obvious.

But, at least he wasn't vocalizing his anger as he had before.

Hope you find this interesting enough to play around with tonight, I'm gonna hit the bed so I can get up earlier for work in the morning. I'll post the rest tomorrow!

[Dalgaroth]

Okay! Good night!

Hm....

I understand about the ..thing you said. 8D I still think focusing on the wording between the dialogue TOO much would not only take away from what I'm trying to do, but bore me to death writing it. ._. In my head, it is a movie, and it's playing out. I ask and trust my readers to try setting up the movie themselves too. But I do understand that I can't convey everything and as much as I'd love to animate the darn thing, I can't. In describing what I meant to you, I was starting to think of other ways to say things, too, so I'll try to do that. So, let's see...

===

“They’re…not here,” Airazor sighed, slightly annoyed. She stared at the cave entrance a moment, knowing without looking that Depth Charge was bleeding impatience. She turned, subdued, to face the rest of the world.

===

No.

===

“They’re…not here,” Airazor reported dully. She knew staring at the cave entrance wasn't going to make the Predacons appear any faster, so she turned, subdued, to Depth Charge. The mech was angry again.

Obviously.

===

I like that one better...

===

"They're ... not here," Airazor sighed, exasperated. she had half expected an ambush, even though Inferno had reported that the Predacons had left. She stared blankly at the cave entrance for a moment before turning, subdued, to Depth Charge. The mech was still angry, but obviously keeping it to himself. While that wasn't exactly healthy for him, it at least he wasn't smashing boulders or kicking important equipment... "So, what do we do?"

Depth Charge shook his head stiffly.

“Prepare. They’ll be back,” he replied, his optics wandering towards the forest. He could feel… No. He couldn’t. He pushed that away and kept his head moving, trying to fool himself into believing that he had actually meant to look at … Inferno marching around at the opening to the lava pits. What the - ? “The slag is he doing?”

Tigatron appeared as he returned from his self-proclaimed scouting mission, “He’s looking for scraps of the Predacon ship. Apparently, this is where the ship was. I hadn’t recognized it, since Tigerhawk’s entrance changed the landscape… But no one else bothered to tell us when they had the chance…”

Depth Charged huffed at that.

"Of course they didn’t,” he asserted spitefully, optics narrowing. He kept any personal opinions about a certain ape to himself this time.

The three went silent, the ray keeping his gaze from the distant forest by glaring hard at the diligent ant. Inferno eventually noticed and straightened, snapping off a crisp salute before resuming his duties with a more energetic movement than the moment before. Depth Charge cringed and looked away, attempting to stare the sun down. It was proving difficult…

===

...I like that one even better... It sounds more like a finished chapter. xD

[Joshin Yasha]

...I like that one even better... It sounds more like a finished chapter. xD

Woot! That's what we're going for here: being comfortable with what you're writing, and *liking* what you're writing! Not only that, but I'm glad you were able to take my advice, and make the writing your own.

Please keep in mind that I had already written half these comments last night before we spoke about some things. So if I come off as repeating myself, or addressing something you've already brought up, my apologies. Anyway, here's the rest of your fanfic workshopped...

-----------------------

“Depth Charge, I don’t think that’s good for your filters…” Airazor cautioned quietly behind him.

He was about to reply when the sun morphed.

No, something came out of it. Suddenly there was darkness in his vision and, blinded, couldn’t respond to the swift attack.

With a cackle, a bright red something hit Depth Charge in the chest with two missiles and the ray flew back in shock. Tigatron growled and transformed to robot mode, moving to cover Depth Charge. Airazor had leapt out of the way, but she was partly blinded by the bright star above too. Whoever it was they were using the sun to impair their vision!

“Don’t recognize your own trick, Airazor?” Terrorsaur’s voice sleezed over the wind.

“Terrorsaur!?” she yelped before kicking herself mentally. Of course it was Terrorsaur. However, it was surprising to see him. And the missiles coming her way – but those weren’t from the flyer! Those were –

She cursed and dove, the missile contacting the wall face behind her and detonating.

Rampage.

=================
“Depth Charge, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Your filters . . .” Airazor cautioned, quietly retracting her outstretched hand when she realized he could care less. She could tell he was about to reply, though, but something had caught his eye.

The manta narrowed crimson optics as he fixated on the sun. Something about it was moving and shifting. A flare up? he questioned, taking a tentative step forward. No, not a flare. Something else . . . Suddenly, there was a darkness that overtook his vision and, blinded, he found himself unable to respond to the swift attack.

With a cackle, a bright red bot had swooped low and fired off two missiles into the chest of the metallic manta ray. The impact had sent Depth Charge spiraling back in shock, and without hesitation, Tigatron had transformed, drawn his weapon, and began targeting the airborne opponent.

The female falcon shook herself clean of the rubble. At least she had managed to leap out of the way, but her vision was still partially impaired by the bright star in the sky. Whoever this is, she thought to herself, they’re using the sun to impair our vision!

“Don’t recognize your own trick, Airazor?” the nails on metal voice crept across the wind, stirring her until the shock filled her emerald-touched optics.

“Terrorsaur!?” Airazor yelped in surprise. Of course it would be Terrosaur! she mentally kicked herself. However surprised she might have been to see him, her focus was immediately changed to the missiles spiraling her way. But they had not been launched from the pterodactyl. No, these came from – Rampage! She cursed herself, and then threw herself down, escaping the pathway before the missiles connected with the cliff face behind her, the surrounding area resonating with the aftershock of the explosion.

As far as writing techniques go, this section is fine the way it is. But like anything, it can always be filled with more descriptive words to illustrate to- and allow- the audience to envision the action. My only real critique of this area is that it’s difficult to discern who is doing what in certain areas of the action, such as the last few paragraphs where it seems to be a stream of consciousness in prose form. The “However, it was surprising to see him” line seems out of place without any extra detail added.
=================

She looked over her shoulder to find that the blast had missed her by… a lot. Had he even been aiming? She vaulted to the side as a new volley of plasma came at her from Terrorsaur who was losing his blinding advantage as the bots scattered off in their different directions. He took off to get a new vantage point, but Airazor followed.

“Depth Charge, get up!” Tigatron called, firing at Rampage.

The ray stared in shock as his injuries healed up before his optics again. It hadn’t happened much since the last time he was attacked, so of course he felt that shock as clearly as he had the first time. But soon he recovered and was up on his feet again, angry heat warming his spark and optics seeking out a certain red crab.

“There, behind that jagged rock formation at two zero zero,” Tigatron informed him calmly from behind their cover.

But that information was unneeded. The blue mech had already honed in on the crab, and prepared himself to sprint over there but Tigatron placed a hand on his arm.

“No! We need you here! Look!” He pointed to Inferno who was fighting Waspinator and Tarantulas using Quickstrike as a shield. He was losing even if he didn’t know it - if only because Tarantulas was looking sneaky.

=================
This section is definitely showing improvement, and I think it’s because your writing is more fluid the more you get into a groove of writing. Things here are easier and smoother to the eye to read, and literarily it works because the techniques I mentioned earlier are really shining in this section. The only issues here are those that I pointed out earlier, such as the use of “mech.” I definitely like this!
=================

Depth Charge hesitated, optics snapping back to Rampage who was now firing in their direction but not directly at them…

The raybot let out a strangled sound and fired at Tarantulas before transforming into his flight mode and leaping over the battlefield in a tight arc before tackling Rampage to the ground. Tigatron was left sighing, frustrated, defending the cave entrance alone.

“Seriously, Terrorsaur? You think you can be leader when you’ve failed every time you tried before?” Airazor shouted in disbelief over the wind, firing more shots at the red flyer as she tried to keep up. She was fast, but his upgrades made him faster. Although, he was just as stupid as before – she was getting closer and he was getting increasingly distracted the more she got him to talk.

“Of course! I’d be a better leader than any of you any day! Better than Megatron, even….even though he wasn’t so great…” Terrorsaur paused a moment midair, and Airazor saw her chance. She dove in and wrapped her arms around his neck, a laser pistol shooting right into the wings mounted proudly on his back. He wailed in pain and they started to fall.

-0-0-

=================
This section, like the last, is definitely good. I believe this is a throwback to you writing excellent battle scenes. As for your comment about direction, this is a great time to bring in some simple tips to build on later. If you’re confused about how to direct a situation in your story, ask yourself if you feel comfortable putting in a scene break. Like here, your dialog focus is on Terrorsaur and Airazor, and despite having the few paragraphs at the beginning about Depth Charge and Rampage, this is as good a time as any to switch the scenes back to another focus now that you’ve established the action with the other two.

Also, when it comes to directing the flow of the story, sometimes it’s good to write a brief script. Write some dialog for each character, and leave some space in between so you can write a short blurb, such as “Cheetor fires shots at Waspinator, but Tarantulas gets the drop on Cheetor.” This way you know what you want, but you also let the characters talk and drive the scenes themselves. It’s also a great way to make sure that you’re keeping the characters in-character. That is, you might want to ask “would this character really say this? Can I *picture* them saying this?” when you go back to fill in the action.

Another thing is deciding whether you, as the author, are going to make the audience aware of things through inner dialog, descriptions, or if you’re going to subject the audience to the same privilege as the characters.
=================

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?” Depth Charge yelled into Rampage’s surprised red face.

The crab blinked and recovered quickly.

“To be honest, I'm having fun,” he answered with an optic ridge raised.
Depth Charge paused.

“What?!”

“You heard me!” Rampage insisted with more enthusiasm, making his decision. “It’s been long enough that you’ve tiptoed around taking leadership when half of our … ‘team’ is willing to follow your lead anyway. I’m sure I’m not the only one you’ve heard that from, am I right?”

Depth Charge started to shake his head, his expression of bafflement turning to disbelief.

=================
Here, we’re back to the same issues as before, such as needing to keep the actions and dialog of one character confined to the same paragraph.

However, you talked about wanting to have Rampage throw the curveball and force Depth Charge to be a leader. You also mentioned in your other post (I sneaked a peek!) that you were making Rampage and Depth Charge bonded through the focus of the energon shard. You have to decide if you want this to be the same situation that Rampage had with TM2 Dinobot, or if you just want them to be emotionally bonded. If they’re bonded by spark, then Rampage has the excuse of self preservation to make Depth Charge do what he wants until the crab can find a way out of it. If you want them emotionally bonded, then Rampage my siphon off some of Depth Charge’s anger and regret for Omicron, and he might even feel some type of redeeming guilt.

Whichever is the case, you have to have Rampage drive this scene home through either some very convincing dialog, or a mix of dialog with the threat of violence. Being a strong believer that Rampage can best Depth Charge any day of the week (mainly emphasized by his Tech Specs), I would have to say that Rampage having a show of violence that would allude to the quality put forth on Omicron would be enough to make Depth Charge pay attention long enough to what the crab is saying.

Otherwise, you might have to extend things by another chapter in order to have someone else step up to temporarily lead, and then be that person would have to convince Depth Charge that they, and the others, need the manta to lead. For example, Tigatron would be a worthy candidate for temporarily leading the others, and would also be an excellent voice of reason to convince Depth Charge to take the leadership where needed.
=================

“Even you think you should lead, don’t you?” Rampage continued over the din of battle. Depth Charge’s shot had hit Tarantulas, who was now cursing at the loss of a few limbs. Inferno was practically seizing he was so caught up in a frenzy, poor Waspinator being beaten to pieces with Quickstrike now. The others the ray couldn’t see from where he was. “Why not? You have one chance to take it or else your new Predacon friends won’t stick as closely to your command as you would want them to. If there was anything Megatron did right as leader it was making an example of those who got in his way. If you don't have these idiots under your thumb are we ever going to get any work done?”

Depth Charge grimaced hard, his spark suddenly feeling like it was twisting, torn between throwing a tantrum and doing the right thing.

“I can feel that,” Rampage spoke again, tone somewhere between some perverse amusement and nauseated repulsion. Depth Charge was standing right over him, remora gun loaded and ready to blow Rampage's CPU to bits. But the proximity to the ray was all too familiar and he did not like being pinned for very long.

=================
This is a pretty good way to get the ball rolling with Rampage goading Depth Charge into leading, but there’s some issues in this area as before. The third sentence of the first paragraph is difficult to read without the audience going “What’s going on . . . ?” It may be worthwhile to reconstruct it a different way.

Another thing to keep in mind when writing characters is: how do they speak, and am I writing them in a manner that reflects their prior representation. This is a throw back to dialog, and as an example I’ll use Rampage, Depth Charge, Rattrap, and Quickstrike in this area. Rampage, for all his intelligence is very charismatic when speaking. With quotes like “Is that fear you are feeling, Maximal? Yes... my spark feeds on terror. Let it grow! Let it consume your circuitry! Feel it, yes, feel it! Feel the fear!” to his credit, writers have to keep in mind how Rampage manipulates words to make people feel overwhelmed. Also, he’s exact when it comes to speaking, so he’ll say “Let it consume your circuitry!” instead of “Let it take you over and eat you alive!”

Depth Charge has two quotes I want to look at: “It's not revenge I'm looking for. It's justice.” and also “I gotta hand it to ya, Primal. When you screw up, you do it big time. But thanks for the tip!” Depth Charge emulates a lot of Clint Eastwood, especially when it comes to switching up his “you”s and “ya”s. His speech depends on if he’s taking the time to articulate, otherwise he’s going to use street slang (like “gotta”).

Rattrap’s speech is easier to pick out if it were left to dialog without indication of who was speaking. For example, "Eh, command's a pain in da tail, especially with dis pack of hyenas. You can keep it!” Rattrap’s got a particularly Bostonian accent, or basically does a trick of linguistics which involves voiced and voiceless interchanges. What’s that mean? Well, laymen’s terms are that he substitutes in the equivalent letters where appropriate. “D”s are used in places of “T/Th”s, and that’s how “this” becomes “dis” (it’s easier to spot when you’ve had either a linguistics class, or a History of English class).

Quickstrike, on the other hand, simply has a wild West accent that involves a lot of drawls, the vocabulary, and the “Ah”s in place of “I” sometimes. This is probably where youtube.com uploads of the BW episodes would come in handy the most – episodes that focus on airtime for characters other than battle scenes.

Overall, not bad, and I’m not saying you’re doing any of this, but it’s what writers should always keep in mind.
=================

Depth Charge had been gauging the fight and his options, but now stepped back with a look of disgust.

“Slag off and stay out of my way,” Depth Charge warned hatefully, emotions retreating behind a wall as he disappeared around the rock.

Rampage shifted, uncomfortable. It felt so odd whenever the ray's normally constant emotional output cut off. Depth Charge could never hide before...

=================
Hmm, it almost seems a bit out of character for Depth Charge to suddenly back off without any clues to internal dialog or even some descriptive lines. This is an instance where internal dialog or just author intervention can really drive the point in the story where you want Depth Charge to take this type of action.

Also, in the case of Rampage being “uncomfortable” and feeling “odd,” it might be best to show the audience what is odd.
=================

-0-0-

Terrorsaur never saw it coming.

The ground and the sky alternated behind Airazor’s determined face in front of him. His wing hurt like the Pit and with the stupid bird blocking his scanners and eyesight, he couldn’t regain his balance. It was their first battle all over again! Where were the others? They were supposed to be helping!

Just before he reached the ground, he found his balance as he managed to punch Airazor across the face. She lost her grip and he could finally see where the ground was. He positioned his thrusters under him and pushed upwards. Airazor was forced to let go and fell. He took the opportunity to shoot her down, getting her in the middle, but someone else found the opportunity too good to pass up.

Tigatron leapt, in beast mode, out of a standing pile of rocks and his jaws clamped tight over Terrorsaur’s face. His claws sunk into the flyer’s shoulders. Terrorsaur panicked and brought out every weapon available, his sharp elbow blades swishing forward to be used like swords. He slashed and shot at the cat with vehemence, but the Maximal held tight. The red Predacon blasted upwards, not knowing where he was going but needing to get away from being mauled.

He didn’t get far though.

Time seemed to slow as yet another something big, heavy, and hard collided with him and the cat. He couldn’t see what it was, but it hurt big time and they all went down. In nanoclicks they hit the hard, volcanic ground with sparks flying as they screeched to a halt. Tigatron finally released him and the next thing he saw was a black shadow headed by two bright red eyes. He scrambled backward, aching from the fall, the bite, and the bird’s attack as the shadow stood up, in perfect health.

A large hand wrapped around his throat and Terrorsaur blanched and went limp.

This was all too familiar.

=================
(Btw, I want to comment that I think it’s adorable that the “-0-0-” look like mantas with fins and big eyes, hehe.)

Anyway, here we’re back to a battle scene where your writing really shines. The only thing it could use would be a substitution for “He couldn’t see what it was, but it hurt big time and they all went down.” There’s no clear meaning to “big time” as use for a measure of pain. Even saying “but it hurt exponentially” sounds less commonplace conversational dialog and more a literary description.
=================

The hand brought him up to optic level.

“Listen up, punk,” Deoth Charge hissed slowly, a reluctant but very serious note in his voice. “There are no sides anymore. We’re stranded here, all of us, and if we don’t all get off planet, we’ll completely ruin the universe as we know it…” He paused, the smaller mech still thinking how to remedy the situation, but the ray had most of his attention. “I’m leader now. You will listen to me, and whoever I appoint in charge. Betray me, and I will personally hunt you down and drag you back with your wings in one hand and the rest of you in the other. Understand me?” Depth Charge hissed.

Terrorsaur struggled with a strength he hadn’t had before, but Depth Charge didn’t move. He just glared with this piercing stare. Terroraur fully expected to be hit or thrown against something or crushed in this mech’s hands. The guy was just as solid as Megatron ever was!

=================
I have to ask: What’s it mean to be as solid as Megatron? Also, small spelling mistake. “Deoth” should be “Depth.”
=================

But that didn’t happen.

Reluctantly, he tried to speak around the hand on his vocaliser.

“Uh…yeah…I think…” he answered, still tense.

“So we're clear?” Depth Charge grumbled lowly, piercing optics disconcerting Terrorsaur.

“I…Ah…” Terrorsaur choked out.

=================
Just the same spiel with the returns after each line of action followed by dialog from the same character.
=================

How anticlimactic was this? He’d swooped in ready to claim victory and instead it had been turned around in 3 nanos flat! He could see past Depth Charge at this elevated level and saw Tarantulas flipped over and being trampled on by Inferno, Quickstrike dangling limply in the ant’s hands. Rampage was….standing there! Rampage was just standing there!

And they’d looked like such a promising bunch.

If he could, he would have sighed and kicked something but couldn’t.

So he choked out his last words.

“As crystal!”

“Good.”

Terrorsaur was dumped next to a tiger with mechanical hackles raised off his back. He glared at it and looked away, rubbing his face.

Depth Charge

=================
When writing numbers, always remember that numbers zero-ten should absolutely be written out. Some authors take liberties with number uses, but my philosophy is that anything that isn’t a statistic, such as “It was a proven fact that each year 100 people disappear when they find they are without their towels,” should be written out in word form. So, in this case, if it isn’t Terrorsaur’s internal dialog, it should be written “three nanoclicks flat!” If it is his internal dialog, then it should still be written as “three nanos flat!”

Overall, not bad!
=================[/b]

[Dalgaroth]

Wewt. I see!

Lemme read...

:reads:

-__- I admit I was more careful with the battle areas of the fic. I usually do because I want it to be good. But the extra parts I was having a lot of trouble with.

The direction of the story isn't a problem. I know exactly where it's going. 8D It's just...well, this part seemed weak to me, but now that I have the first part a good start, I should probably go through sentence by sentence and really analyze what it is I'm trying to convey. Like, when I rewrote the part in my last post, I decided to change "angry again obviously" to "still angry and keeping it to himself" because I realized that since he was angry enough to kick a computer console down a hill in the last chapter, he might be still angry rather than angry again. When I wrote it the first time, I imagined that he'd calmed between flying from the forest to base, then getting angry again once he landed. I hate seeing this stuff and not being able to share. Visually. Animated. ;_;

Yeah more detail. :/ lol! Need to add that! 8D And reconstructing will probably come easy once I start really looking. With Scene breaks and stuff I think in this battle scene I was switching around a lot on the battlefield, so scene breaks didn't seem right sometimes because then each section would be really short, which is rather disruptive...Thanks!

GAAHHH! Character ICNESS!! DX I knew that was an issue here. :3 Rampage didn't sound Rampage enough to me and Terrorsaur's line was weak. I changed that like 5 times and I'm still not happy with it. It need to be more Terrorsaur-like. >_>

lol You peeked. Well, it's ... kind of hard to explain. It's not going to be like with Dinobot II, since even though DC is hateful, I don't think he'd go so far as torture the bot outright like that. At least, not after realizing a couple things

a) He can feel it too. x_x I don't know why DBII couldn't, but then, it wasn't his spark, so maybe that's why.
b) Rampage could do it right back. ._.'
c) He's more righteous than he thinks and doesn't feel right doing that.

As -

Oh, and d) If the others are around, Tigatron and Airazor probably wouldn't let him do that.

As for emotionally bonded, yes, they are, if I'm reading your definition right. The two were bonded, their sparks literally reaching equilibrium - DC has half of Page's and vice versa.

Depth Charge has picked up on a little empathy, as implied in the very first part of what I wrote and interspersed throughout my chapters so far. But him not being an emotional kinda guy, they're passing thoughts/ideas that cross his mind but he never really uses them. He's kind of in denial - he knows its there but he's not using it. Then later, once he starts realizing he can do that, he discovers that noooo, he can't. xD If he's not thinking about it, he can use it, but generally, he's better at reading people through body language and facial expression and stuff. Rampage was empathic to begin with (going by a few things he said. I know it was never said in the show straight up.) so he knows how to use it any time.

.. I just realized I kind of went off on a tangent. Back on topic --> What I'm saying is, that that is one thing I'm exploring with this. Part of the story is theorizing how Sparks work and one idea I've written is that while Rampage was able to sense Depth Charge before, even through time and space, since they're bonded, somehow sometimes he's not able to pick up on that anymore. And Depth Charge's sensors pick himself up on radar and blank out on Rampage. When DC gets angry, Rampage can feel it but he's able to block out some of it. If it was the ohter way around, DC would have a hard time trying not to be affected. This is what happened in an earlier chapter - they were all supposed to be heading to a new base (the one in this chapter) but the tension was still high between DC and Page and their emotios played off each other until DC kinda lost it and they fought. Rampage took advantage of this and kept the fight going to herd Depth Charge in the direction they needed to go because DC was being a baby and not movin'. (lol, summaries...) Depth Charge eventually realized that that was what Rampage was doing and was shocked, but got a call from Tigatron and they had to zoom off to help. He has yet to revisit it, but he'll soon realize that Rampage has an advantage in that he knows how to control his empathy, where DC doesn't and this can leave him vulnerable if Rampage decided to do something about that. For now, in my story, that's where I am in that interaction. It's about emotion they're feelign and how they affect or not affect each other. I also touch on how Sparks work, which offers some insight into how what I'm writing works.

Wow, that was more of a tangent than the first time I noticed...and I don't quite make sense...

Extending into another chapter is a possible option...but that's exactly what this chapter is already and I think I might have pushed it this episode. DC, Rampage, Tigatron, Airazor, Inferno, Quickstrike, Tarantulas, and now Terrorsaur all survived after the Maximals left and until this episode, were working as a group, kind of. There was no leader, but Tigatron and Airazor followed DC's command automatically, Inferno chose him as the new leader because of how he issued orders in front of the ant when Inferno made his reappearance, Tarantulas reasoned that he's the most qualified but isn't exactly...you know. xD He's not really a part of the group. xD Rampage feels like him being leader is logically one of the steps DC should take to ensure a working pecking order, his examples being Megatron and sort of Optimus. Without one, the group could crumple into another Beast Wars which would waste time and energy. And with Tarantulas having told them that the Vok are like highly advanced Scientists...well, that's another reason he's urgent to get off the planet. :/ Quickstrike isn't too picky about leaders. Waspy joins because he was just kicked out of his human empire.

Now here comes Terrorsaur, reformatted into a new body, back from the dead kinda, and he's decided that if the group doesn't have a leader and MEgatron isn't around to stop him, he'll do it! He gathers the Predacons, who only joined him for research, curiosity, stupidity, and kicking Maximal keister. (lol, guess who is who? ) The point of this Chapter is to have Terrorsaur face Depth Charge, fight, and lose. DC spares him and doesn't even hurt him AND asks him to join the group, so Terry's like, "o_O Um, okay.. " Terry joins and the group's put back together, and Rampage's quiet subplot is resolved. Then I insert Tarantulas being tempted to be sneaky again, now that he's seen the new TM form in action (Terrorsaur's stint) and leaving the option open that maybe he's gonna do something bad. And that's this epi.

Then the next episode will kind of... make it difficult for him to be leader. xD Until then, peeps are generally okay with each other, but now that he's accepted being the backbone of the group, suddenly people have issues or do something stupid he has to address, or there's a battle to oversee, and to make matters worse, he hasn't recharged since the beginning of my fic, which would make it .... 2 to 4 weeks? He's tired. :/ And Rampage is having too much fun keeping him awake. And he's having dreams about Omicron...from Page's POV... >_> Other stuff happens too. Yay for a filler epi! But, I think, an important one. n_n

I'm itching to get to later chapters, but GAHHH take it slow! Take it slow!

Hmm...the speech again.... (my reply post here is ALL OVER THE PLACE, please forgive meh! D:) I do that! I try to get across accents and wording, but I admit DC's Yas and stuff have been kept to a minimum so far because it sounds a bit too informal for his current weirded out state and he has yet to bully anybody. :/ He's not quite comfortable enough with the world yet to be tough guy again. But he'll make a linguistic come back when he becomes leader. Which is soon, obviously. And btw: I LOVE CLINT EASTWOOD! SQUEEEEE!!! 8D

And Quickstrike's "I"...I experimented with "Ah" but found it difficult to read, so I left it "I" and I modified his phrases more than his words. lol I figure the word "I" is said so often in so many different ways, it's immediately recognizable no matter the accent in writing. But "Ah" is a sound, and is immediately visually and aurally recognizable as a sound, rather than a sub for the word "I". Maybe I'm wrong though, but that's what think cuz I have trouble reading heavy written accents.

“Well, this guy sure got big dreams, don’t he, Inferno? Shoot,” Quickstrike chuckled, amused.
~~~
“I ain’t surprised,” Quickstrike intoned seriously. “He’s always been a little off in the head. They musta grown tired of ‘im.”

I usually have to rewrite his sentences a couple times and I'm not quite sure about them. A pointer would be good, but I dun wanna bother you. Or hog your help. n_n

LOL DC backing off. :'D Hmmm.... Right here, he's feeling mixed emotions and when Rampage says "I can feel that" he gets ... touchy. So ...

Actually, this part, the DC and Rampage exchange here, is one of the the parts I HATED so I edited a few lines out before I posted it because I didn't like them, but maybe I can make them work.

I'm also not sure how I can show what Rampage is feeling as odd without repeating myself. In the story, DC occasionally cuts off... but I didn't write that that much. >_> I'll edit this to make more sense. It sounds like DC cuts off all the time when actually this isn't anything common. Um...

---

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?” Depth Charge yelled into Rampage’s surprised red face.

The crab blinked and recovered quickly.

“To be honest, I'm having fun,” he answered with an optic ridge raised.

Depth Charge paused and pushed himself up, placing a foot on Rampage's chest.

“What?!”

“You heard me, Fish Face!” Rampage insisted with more enthusiasm, making his decision. “Do you really think I'd follow the flyer into battle out of faith or admiration? I'm not stupid. I know my limitations and I know that in the long run, I need you, all of you, to get off this mudball. But do you know what else concerns me? Your reluctance to take command. I joined his team as...bait, if you will. You can lead, as you have once before. It's nothing new. ”

Depth Charge started to shake his head, his expression of bafflement turning to disbelief.

"You destroyed that," he sneered, fingers tightening around the trigger of his remora gun.

"That's in the past, now isn't it?"

"Why would you want me to be leader?" the manta ray asked suspiciously, restraining an urge to stomp the crab's face in at that comment.

“I have as much to lose to the Vok as anyone here. If not more. And I will not become their new project. If you can play Optimus for a little while - "

"Optimus? I ain't no slaggin' monkey, crab cake," Depth Charge growled, anger spiking, his voice rising. "I don't spout off about responsibility and protecting the time line and then leave everyone and everything behind to be found by our ancestors in a million years!! "

“And what do you think would happen if someone else decided to head the group, hm?" Rampage reasoned, still on his back. "What if I took command - "

"You are not[ not taking command! I'll be sure of that!"

"Well, you have one chance to take it or else they won’t stick as closely to your command as you would want them to. If there was anything Megatron did right as leader it was making an example of those who threatened his leadership and right now, you have a rather power hungry flyer with a traitorous reputation beating your fellow Maximals to slag with his upgrades. Make him the example, set the tone of your leadership, claim it, and set us on our course.”

Depth Charge grimaced hard, his spark suddenly feeling like it was twisting, torn between throwing a tantrum and doing the right thing.

“I can feel that,” Rampage spoke again, tone somewhere between some perverse amusement and nauseated repulsion. The proximity to the ray was all too familiar. "You know, old friend, the last time you had me pinned, we ended up with our sparks fused," the crab added with a nasty smirk.

Depth Charge started and quickly stepped back with a look of disgust.

“Slag off and stay out of my way,” Depth Charge warned hatefully, emotions suddenly retreating behind a wall as he disappeared around the rock.

Rampage shifted with a blink, uncomfortable. (omg, I wrote "DC" here didn't I? Oops. Didn't mean to do that. xD ) Having been intensely focused on the manta, the abrupt absence of that Spark, and the other half of his own Spark, left him disoriented and he waited a moment to get his bearings before stepping out to watch the battle progress.

:DDDDDD I like that a ton better. More concise with more room for the important dialogue and I think Page is more IC. I want more...Rampageness to it, but it's the middle of battle and he's got a gun in his face. :/ I want him to get his point across without too much sneakiness. Yay for mind games! :It needs amore tweaking to get the dialogue flowing better though. :/

--

lol!!! I never noticed that!!! -0-0- lol!


Yay! Shiny writing! Um, yeah, I dun like 'big time.' :/

Time seemed to slow as yet another something big, heavy, and hard collided with him and the cat. He couldn’t see what it was, but it hurt enough to cause him to let out a keening caw and they all went down...blahblahblah

Hm, 'solid' as in... unmoving. He's struggling but DC ain't movin'. How do I say -

Terrorsaur struggled, but even his new strength and a few shots from his arm guns Depth Charge didn't move. He just glared with a cold, piercing stare. Terrorsaur fully expected to be hit or thrown against something or crushed in this mech’s hands but moments ticked by and still nothing happened.

"Well?" the bot prompted again.

Terrorsaur choked, "I..ah..."

How anticlimactic was this? He’d swooped in ready to claim victory and instead it had been turned around in three nanos flat! He could see past Depth Charge at this elevated level and saw Tarantulas flipped over and being trampled on by Inferno, Quickstrike dangling limply in the ant’s hands. Waspinator was nowhere in sight and Rampage was….standing there! Rampage was just standing there!

And they’d looked like such a promising bunch.

If he could, he would have kicked something but couldn’t.

So he went limp and squeezed his answer out.

“Yeah!”

“Good.”

Terrorsaur was dumped next to a tiger with mechanical hackles raised off his back. He glared at it and looked away, rubbing his face.


Eh? Eh? that's a little better...