Beast Wars Christmas Carols!

[Zucca]

Zucca runs onto the stage wearing a white robe, blue jeans and a black shirt.
"Howdy everyone! Been a while since I posted, and since it's Christmas, I'm gonna do my usual ritual of putting up Christmas Carols! There'll be a few repeats, as well as some new ones! Here's the first one:

*Zoom to the Predacon base, snow making steam on the lava*

Inferno marches into his quarters and sits down, head slumped in shame of failure. Megatron was missing...

Every body stops
and stares at me
When I go and ask
"Where's the Royalty?"
I don't know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is the Royalty,
the Royalty,
seen the Royalty?!
Slag, if I could only
have the Royalty,
then I could have a
Merry Christmas.
It seems so long since I heard him say,
"Victory will be ours, yeeeess!"

Slaggy bloody slaggit, how happy I'd be,
if I could only BUUURN
who I want for Christmas
and save the Royalty,
the Royalty,
YES, THE ROYALTY!!!.
Blast! If only I could only
find the Royalty,
then I would have a
"Merry Christmas!!"

Inferno hears the door open and Megatron's footsteps. He howls in delight and rushes to greet him. Awwww.

[Zucca]

[Credits: This filksong is a work of fiction. Any similarites it has to actual persons, living or dead, would be really sad. No Transformers or anthro wolves were harmed during the making and the views expressed herein do not neccesarily reflect the author's opinions of Christmas, which he loves but loves to make fun of]


Zucca appears in a Santa hat and a red robe with furry white trim.

"Happy holidays, Beast Wars fans! As a dedication to the glorious holiday season, I've asked some of our beloved Beast Warriors to sing about Christmas!... namely since I dunno any Hindu hymms... Anyway, they're all here and waiting to share with you the warmth and tender moments of their holiday season that I helped to introduce to them!"

*The music turns to an orchestral of 12 Days of Christmas...*

(Zoom up on the snow-covered Axalon)

To each stanza, the scene shifts to a different Maximal or Predacon...

All: "The first thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Tigatron, weepy-eyed: "Is finding a Christmas tree...." He sings, tears falling as he gazes forlornly at the little tree they cut down and placed on the round table on the Axalon's bridge.

All: "The second thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Dinobot, outside and grumbling as he arranges the X-Mas lights on the hull: "Rigging up the lights... BAH!"
Tigatron, wiping his tears with his furry arm-section: "And finding a Christmas Tree..."

All: The third thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Rattrap, slumping with a towel around his head and an empty mug in hand: "Hangovahs'..."
Dinobot, fumbling with a box of lights: "ARGH! Rigging up the lights!"
Tigatron: "And finding a Christmas tree...*Sniffle*"

All: "The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Silverbolt, stuffed in between tall stacks of blank X-Mas cards: "Sending Christmas cards..."
Rattrap, slumped against the table and turning his empty, alcoholic eggnog mug over with a look of dissapointment: "Hangovers..."
Dinobot: "Rigging up the lights!"
Tigatron, blowing his nose like a whistle: "And finding a Christmas tree..."

All: "The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!"
Silverbolt, tiredly: "Sending Christmas cards..."
Rattrap, drunkenly: "Haaaangovers...."
Dinobot, unraveling another wire of lights: "Rigging up the lights...!"
Tigatron: "And murdering an innocent tree...."

All: "The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Airazor, wearing a look of utter dread when she thinks about Tigatron's allegedly fierce parents: "Facing my In-Laws!"
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!"
Silverbolt, frowning: "Oh how I hate those Christmas cards!"
Rattrap, eyes with TILT in them: "HaNgOvErS."
Dinobot, roaring. "RIGGING UP THESE LIGHTS!!!"
Tigatron: "And harming the pla-anet Earth..."

All: "The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Megatron, cutting in on the transmission of the carol while slapping coins into a palm offstage: "Sending out donations!"
Airazor, meekly: "Facing my In-Laws..."
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!!!"
Silverbolt, exasperatedly: "Sending*CHRISTMAS*cards..."
Rattrap, wobbling as he tries to keep his balance, walking: "Oh jeez..."
Dinobot: "I am trying to rig up these lights!!"
Tigatron, idly thumbing a pine needle: "And ruining the ecosystem..."

All: "The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Little Cheetor tugging Optimus's arm: "I wanna Transformer for Christmaaaaas!"
Megatron, grudgingly putting coins in a bell ringing Santa's pot, then turning to Inferno: "DONATIONS! What do you mean YOUR In-Laws?!"
Airazor shakes her head, her line having been stolen.
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BIIIILLS!"
Silverbolt, wiping coolant from his face as he scribbles on the cards: "Ugh... making out these cards..."
Rattrap, grinning nuttily: "Could ya' get me an energon beer, huh?"
Dinobot, REALLY pissed off: "WHAT, WE HAVE NO EXTENSION CABLE?!?!?"
Tigatron, shielding the tree from Rattrap's flailing: "And saving my Christmas tree!"

All: "The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Quickstrike, trying to park a grav-lift in it's port: "Finding parking spaces..."
Cheetor, tugging on Optimus's hand: "BIG-BOT, I WANT SOME CAAAANDY!"
Megatron, groaning as he tosses some coins into a homeless man's jar: "DONATIONS TO HUMANS!"
Airazor, shuddering with gut-wrenching, voice-breaking dread: "F-Facing my In-Laws!"
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!"
Silverbolt, rubbing his wrist: "Writing all those Christmas cards..."
Rattrap, bonking into the wall: "Hangovers..."
Dinobot, having just plugged them in and glancing up in pure rage: "NOW WHY THE SLAG ARE THEY BLINKING?!?!?!"
Tigatron, plucking the ornaments from the tree and sneaking it out: "And saving our Christmas tree!"

All: "The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
Blackarachnia whacking and looking closerat an inoperablegift from Tarantulas, a little novelty spider-hat with wiggling legs: "Batteries not included?!"
Quickstrike, yelping as he bumps into the wall on his grav-lift: "Yow! No parking spaces!"
Little Cheetor, lugging on Optimus's arm: "BUY ME SOMETHING!"
Megatron, glaring at Cheetor: "Get a job, you bum!"
Airazor, arming herself for combat, voice shaky: "Oh... facing my In-Laws...."
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!"
Silverbolt, REALLY tired of this: "Yo-Ho! Sending Christmas cards...."
Rattrap, stepping into the bathroom: "Oh jeez, lookit this!"
Dinobot, helplessly as the lights fail, having stepped on one single bulb: "One light goes out and they all go out??!!!"
Tigatron, digging a small hole in beast mode: "And saving this Christmas treeee!"

All: The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to meeee...."
Waspinator, whimpering at the poor TV programs: "Still TV specialzzz!"
Blackarachnia, marching up to Tarantulas and shoving the hat under his face: "Batteries not included!"
Quickstrike, groaning in frustration: "Dang! No parking spaces..."
Cheetor: "BIG-BOT, I GOTTA GO TO THE BAAAFROOM!" (Bathroom)
Megatron, sighing and throwing coins into a Salvation Army bucket: "Of all the wretched... Rargh! Charities!"
Airazor, whimpering: "Anything but those In-Laws......"
All: "FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!!!"
Silverbolt, throwing up his arms in exhasperation and getting up: "Ohhh I don't even *KNOW* half these people!"
Rattrap, from inside the bathroom: "Who's got the toilet paper, huh?"
Dinobot, standing amid piles of shattered light-bulbs and twisted wire: "Get me a light, vermin!! I blew a fuse!"
Tigatron, re-planting the tree: "I've just saved the Christmas tree!"

All: "The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me..."
All, glowering at Zucca: "Singing Christmas Carols!"
Waspinator in misery: "Wazzpinator hates Still TV Specialzzz...."
Tarantulas, scratching his head: "Batteries not included?"
Quickstrike, FINALLY seeing a big red sign...: "NO PARKIN'?!"
Cheetor, dragging his feet as Optimus groans: "WAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
Megatron, voice drained of all energy and will to live: "CHARITIES!!"
Airazor, putting a combat helmet on: "Gotta be prepared now..."
All: "FIIIIVE MOOONTHS OF BIIILLS!!!!"
Silverbolt, knocking over the pile of cards: "I am not sending a single card more!"
Rattrap, very drunk and insulting Dinobot's ability to set up lights: "Yuck!"
Dinobot, throwing the cords down and violently lunging at Rattrap:"FINE!!! YOU'RE SO SMART?! YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!"
All, suddenly noticing Tigatron with the saved little pine: "And the tiger saved the Christmas treeeeee!"

Zucca grins widely, coming back to the Axalon, the grin fading when he sees the mess... He enters, seeing a row of angry Maximals.
"So... uhh... did we all have fun? Isn't Christmas great!" He exclaims.

[Scene shift]

Zucca, grumbling, is standing in the middle of the Axalon bridge, tied up in green and red ribbon. His furry snout tied shut with a bow, ribbons on his tall ears, tail and long hair decorated with bows, little Christmas tree ornaments hanging from the ribbon and a star perched on his furry head.

"Mmmph!" Rattrap leans back in a seat. "Ahhh.... much betta... Right, Dinobutt?"
Dinobot secures Zucca's feet to the floor. "Indeed, vermin."


[Credits: This filksong is a work of fiction. Any similarites it has to actual persons, living or dead, would be really sad. No Transformers or anthro wolves were harmed during the making and the views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the author's opinions of Christmas, which he love,s but loves to make fun of]

[Zucca]

Zucca looks around onstage, making sure the crab's nowhere near. "Aaaand since Rampage is not around, I can play the song about him I made for you. Otherwise, were he here... heh... I think he'd make a furry stocking outta me. Enjoy!"

Rampage the crab-bot had an evil wit that's keen
With a rack of spikes and a vertical mouth
and two eyes glowing eerie green!
Rampage the crab-bot, is a horror tale they say
He made evil grow and poor Silver
knows how he came to life that day
There must have been a tragic turn
that made Optimus balk
For when the energon storm came
he began to hunt and stalk!
O Rampage the crab-bot
was alive forever more
And the Maxies say that his evil way
is now Megatron's encore!

HA HA HA HAHA!!
HA HA HA HAHA!!
Hear that evil laugh
HA HA HA HAHA!!
HA HA HA HAHA!!
Seeking a new bloodbath!

*About this time, Rampage wanders into the studio. He sits down and watches Zucca, eyes narrowing*

Rampage the crab-bot, knew
his prey was about that day
So he said
"Go run, then
we'll have some fun
so do not deny my play."
Down to the forest
missile launcher in his hand
creeping here and there
now without compare saying
"Run, little spider man."
He led Silver and B.A.
right into his deadly trap
And he only paused a moment when
he heard B.A. holler "CRAP!"
But Rampage the crab-bot
had to tolerate delay
Though he sneered farewell, saying
"Go to *Bleep*
I'll come back for you one day!"

HA HA HA HAHA!!
HA HA HA HAHA!!
Hear that evil laugh
HA HA HA HAHA!!
HA HA HA HAHA!!
Seeking a new bloodbath!

Zucca spots Rampage and gulps. "Um... anyway, there's Rampage's contribution! Aaaaand.... I'mmagohomenowgoodnightfolks!"

With that, Zucca ignites his cybernetic implants in his feet, soaring out the window before Rampage can blast him.

The crab-bot howls angrilly, then walks out, unable to keep from humming the song. "O Rampage the crab-bot..."

[Blazemane]

standing in the middle of the Axalon bridge, tied up in green and red ribbon. His furry snout tied shut with a bow, ribbons on his tall ears, tail and long hair decorated with bows, little Christmas tree ornaments hanging from the ribbon and a star perched on his furry head.

Ha ha ha- It's Balto the Christmas tree. Steele would be proud.

err...

Anyways, funny concept.

[Zucca]

Heh, and there I was thinking I was the only one who remembers that movie ^_^

[Zucca]

Zucca rushes onstage, anime sweatdrops flying. "So sorry for missing a couple nights! Been one busy wolf! Here are two carols for you! First is a little piece about everyones favorite cheetah, pining over Blackarachnia!"

"I want Blackarachnia for Christmas
Only Blackarachnia will do
I don't want a game, no dinkey ship toys
I want Blackarachnia to be with and enjoy

I want Blackarachnia for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring her up the elevator
That's the easiest thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping right into the quiet command post
Oh what joy, what surprise
When I open up my eyes!
To see Blackarachnia standing host!

I want Blackarachnia for Christmas
Only a Blackarachnia will do
Not Airazor, no homebred fems
I only likes Blackarachnia [sic]
And I bet Blackarachnia [sic] likes me too

Rhinox says Silverbolt would eat me up, but then
Rattrap says Blackarachnia is a free-game fem
There's lots of ways I could hide this fact from Silverbolt,
but I'm startin' to think this thinking is the way of a dolt...


Zucca chuckles as Cheetor trots offstage. "Aaaaalright, now for our next piece, ladies and gents! This is a general piece that I shall sing... hem-hem-hem..."

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the Axalon, shield shimmering ever on
With snowy frills and icicles hanging low.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Maxies fast asleep,
But the prettiest sight to see is the little Christmas Tree
held within it's deep.

A date with a Predacon gal and a chat with a pal
Is the wish of Silver and Rat;
A little spaceship and some energon dip
Is the hope of Cheetor the cat;
And Optimus can hardly wait for the green to come again.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
There's a raptor all aglow, with lights he hangs to and fro
He's so sturdy yet he cannot stand the snow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon their songs will play,
And the thing that will make them dance is the merry little prance
Done in their own way..."


Zucca huffs. "Sorry for the low quality of the last song. Had my birthday four days ago and it's been a long and mind-consuming day. So I'mma head off. If you have any comments or suggestions, feel free to post em'. Thanks everyone! Hope you enjoy!"

[una]

*claps her hands* Beautiful!


I laughed at the "12 days of Christmas" one. I can just imagine Dinobot in rage putting lights on a Christmas tree and also little cheetor clunging onto Optimus!