The Final Countdown

By: Tessa Barratt.

"Are you quite sure you took the right map this time, Edward?"

Edward put a hand to his forehead and fancied that he could feel a vein wriggling.  He was stressed and extremely annoyed with his co-pilot at the moment.  She was always nagging!  

"Yes I am positively positive this is the correct map, Lulu."

The two pilots were flying at hyper speed in a ship aptly named 'The Planet Buster'.  Their mission:  to destroy planets that were producing trees known as Gilfords.  There is a network of alliances between certain galaxies that has to be maintained and destroying planets containing Gilfords is part of keeping these alliances alive.  When the "Inter-Galactic Anti-High Treaty" was signed, all galaxies agreed that the drug trade between solar systems would be banned.  There were few drugs like the Gilford that could be enjoyed by so many life forms, which was why it was in Universal interests to get rid of planets containing them.  The problem with Gilfords is that they tend to drive their consumer a little mad.  Mad enough to start major inter-planetary wars because of a few insulting words spat out by spaced-out government officials in high positions, if you'll excuse the puns. To avoid embarrassing conflicts starting, beings like Lulu and Edward were assigned to seek out any uninhabited planets hosting Gilfords and destroy them.  Edward stopped the Planet Buster a fair distance away from their next target.

"See?  We're here!  There's that blue planet that we're after.  I didn't get us lost," Edward said.  Lulu folded her ten arms and glared out the window.

"Well, I still think that, considering the planet we were after was supposed to take us four weeks to reach in this ship, arriving here in only three weeks and five days is a little dodgy."

Edward rolled his eyes and exaggerated a sigh.

"Females!  I swear, it's a universal thing!  You're never satisfied.  Not only do I bring you to the right place, but I also succeed in doing so a few days early!  I should be praised for this!"

"Nobody should be praised for speeding," she retorted.

"It's an infinite Universe!!  What are the chances of my bumping into anyone?!"

"That's what you said last time we went through an asteroid belt."

A beep from the ship's console interrupted the imminent argument.

"Hang on a bit!  The computer says we're in range.  I stopped in just the right place too, it seems."

Lulu muttered that he was an arrogant, chauvinistic show-off, just loud enough for most people to hear but obviously not loud enough for Edward, who continued typing away at the console, heedless of the insult.  She groaned, annoyed that she'd taken the time to say something nasty and he hadn't noticed.  He always had been a little hard of hearing.

"Countdown initiated,” the computer hummed. "Ten cyber-clicks remaining."

He raised an eye ridge at Lulu who snorted.

"You're a piece of work, Edward Loombug.  Not only are you the only cross between an orangutan and a Zyndroid that I've ever met, but you have to be the most pompous one."

"Ha ha, very funny!  I suppose you're going to spend the next ten cyber-clicks picking on me for my father's penchant towards apes, hmm?"

"Frankly, I think Zyndroids abuse their ability to breed with almost any life form.  They should stick to their own kind.  You're a living example of why."

Edward’s face betrayed his emotions of hurt. There was a long silence.

"We're supposed to be checking the planet for life forms," Lulu said, sounding a little softer. 

"We don't need to.  I know this is the right planet," he answered, pouting a little.

"Four cyber-clicks remaining."

Lulu gazed at the piece of paper that listed their instructions.  It was pinned up on the wall to her left.  It described the planet as small, blue, with uninhabited floating landmasses scattered about it.  She looked out the window at the planet in view. It looked like it should.  She sighed, aware that weeks in the same ship with the same person made you irritable.

"Three cyber-clicks remaining."

"I'm sorry, Edward.  I didn't mean what I said....”

"It’s fine.  I forgive you."

She leaned back in her chair and put her feet up.  Her head rolled over to her left so that the instructions were again in view.

"One cyber-click remaining."

A teasing little smile came across her face. "Just out of interest, Edward, tell me what you know about this planet, without looking at the instructions!"

"You know I never read those things.  I only know what you tell me about our missions."

"Yeah, but go on.  You've gotten us this far on what I told you.”

"Ten seconds.”

"Well, I know it’s blue with floating landmasses."

She giggled.

"I know that it’s uninhabited.  In Galaxy Number Eleven."

Her smile faded.

"Four.”

"In Solar System H."

"Three."

She jerked upright, her eyes wide with horror.

"Two"

"And the name of the planet is Earth."

"One."

She lunged for the controls an instant too late as a laser beam with the power of seven billion nuclear bombs pummelled into the planet. The ship shuddered as the blast sent waves of energy outwards like a stone sends ripples after falling into water. The lights in the ship dulled for a bit and after some minutes of turbulence, everything grew quiet. Lulu got up from her sprawled position on the console and stared, aghast, at Edward.  Edward looked back at her with a confused frown. 

"What's the matter with you?  You look positively dreadful!"

She settled back down in her chair and continued to stare at him.

"Galaxy Seven, Edward.  Not Eleven."

The colour drained from his cheeks in an instant.

"You just blew up the wrong Earth."

An uncomfortable little silence followed her words. Edward picked up his jaw, shook himself and cleared his throat.  He lowered his gaze back to the controls and put the ship back into gear.

"Earth's a common name.  The 'John Smith' of planet titles."

She nodded vigorously.

"Anyone could've made that mistake," she added hopefully.

"Yes," he said flatly.  After that, only the gentle whir of the ship's engines could be heard as it powered up and then blasted off into space. Some time later, Lulu spoke to Edward.  Their eyes were both still wide and fixed on the stars ahead.

"Edward...."

"Hmmm?"

"I think we should make time when we get back, to get you a hearing aid."

"Mmm…."