Beast Wars is owned by Hasbro. Okay, the original fic idea for this piece of trashy writing was based around a fic called ‘Feral Ice Cream’ (see a connection?) on a website called ‘World’s Worst Fanfics’. I apologize to the author of that fic, but I also have to congratulate him/her. That was a funny fic! I’m afraid this one is only silly. WHAT was I ON when I wrote this?!
(Things had gone a bit wrong on the Beast Wars set earlier, and today’s filming of ‘Feral Scream’ had been delayed until tomorrow. The main damage to the set had been done by one of Rattrap’s ex-girlfriends, but then most of the cameras had been trashed once the director had found out what had happened to the sets. The camera-crew had been forced to carry the poor man off to his twice-daily Anger Management classes. The Beast Wars character cast had decided to take the day off and had left to go party.
(Well, okay, so not ALL of them had gone. Despite a certain ray-bot’s claims, Optimus Primal isn’t COMPLETELY stupid. And Megatron was willing to cooperate just this once.)
(We see a plain door to what is usually just a broom closet. The door has been reinforced with everything Depth Charge could manage to find on short notice.)
RAMPAGE: (pleading) Come on, let me out! I’ll be good! I LIKE parties! (evil mutter) I r-e-e-a-a-lly like parties...hehehe...
(Oh, and, due to the collapse of the director, no one had remembered to inform the Beast Wars stunt doubles of the delay. So, they arrive on time, completely pumped to be pummeled to slag or whatever the script called for during the filming. Unfortunately, since no one is there...)
(After milling around aimlessly for a while, Megatron’s stunt double manages to come up with a plan--of a sort...)
LAME-O-TRON: (excited) Hey, everybody! Check it out!
(All the stunt doubles gather around where the Megatron look-alike is standing next to a human. The human is happily smiling and occasionally babbling to himself. Rattrap’s stunt double waves his hand in front of the human’s face and gets no response.)
MIGHTY MOUSE: Eh, what’s so great about dis?
LAME-O-TRON: (sighs in exaggerated impatience) Don’t you know who this is?! (gets lots of blank looks) He’s Bob Skir’s evil twin brother! This is Skob Bir!
(The stunt doubles look at the human doubtfully. The human giggles and fidgets. THIS is the evil twin brother of the notorious Beast Machines writer?!)
LAME-O-TRON: (shrugs) Okay, so he’s Bob Skir’s not-so-evil twin brother. (watches Skob Bir twitch) Er, so he’s Bob Skir’s really stupid twin brother. (regains his composure) But don’t you see what this could mean?!
(The rest of the stunt doubles look at each other and then back to Lame-o-tron. They all shake their heads.)
LAME-O-TRON: (grits his teeth) With Skob Bir’s help, we could write and film a Beast Wars episode STARRING us!! (smiles as dim bulbs brighten above the stunt doubles’ heads) We could become stars, yesss...(frowns) Stupid voice pattern. ANYWAY...
(After a lot of talking and slapping Skob Bir around so he’d write something, the Beast Wars stunt doubles decide to stick to the general idea of the Beast Wars episode ‘Feral Scream’. Skob Bir had fun rewriting it, though. So, the doubles scramble to get things ready. Problems present themselves as things get underway, however...)
PROBLEM #1: (cheerful) Hello!
LAME-O-TRON: (irritated) Most of the sets are damaged! Oh, well. I suppose we’ll just have to make due with what we have...
PROBLEM #2: (happy) How do you do?
LAME-O-TRON: (annoyed) There’s only one working camera! What is WRONG with these camera people?!
PROBLEM #3: (polite) Hi!
(The new Beast Wars cast pause their preparations as shouting and poundings finally register with them. They gather around a reinforced closet door and pry it open.)
RAMPAGE: (angry) It’s about time! Do you realize how much dust is in there?! (notices Depth Charge’s stunt double isn’t even looking at him) Hello? Fish Face? (blinks as the ray-bot walks off without noticing him) Er, what’s with him?
LAME-O-TRON: (embarrassed) Well, Shallow End isn’t exactly that smart...
RAMPAGE: (confused) Shallow End..?
LAME-O-TRON: (mildly surprised) That IS Depth Charge’s stunt double’s name...(pauses at Rampage’s blank look) You DID know he had a stunt double, right?
RAMPAGE: (really confused) Stunt double..?
LAME-O-TRON: (looks thoughtful) Now that I think about it, you’re the only one of the cast who doesn’t have one. (impressed) You do all your own stunts? That must be painful! Didn’t you get blown apart at one point or another?
RAMPAGE: (beyond confused) I could have gotten a stunt double..?
LAME-O-TRON: Of course! Why didn’t you?
RAMPAGE: (weakly) I didn’t know I could...
(Lame-o-tron shrugs and grabs Rampage by the arm, explaining what’s going on. He hauls the bewildered crab all the way to the area behind the one working camera before Rampage snaps out of his confusion. He jerks himself loose.)
RAMPAGE: (considering) So you’re all stunt doubles. (chuckles when Lame-o-tron nods) Then I have no reason to cooperate with you!
(Lame-o-tron smiles and holds up a familiar little box with a glowing blue sphere in it.)
RAMPAGE: ...slag.
LAME-O-TRON: (smirks) Alright, people! Places! (waits until everyone is in place, ignoring the sulking crab at his side) Roll credits!
BEAST WARS
FERAL ICE CREAM
RAMPAGE: Feral Ice Cream? Where did you get THAT idea?!
SKOB BIR: A site called World’s Worst Fanfics. Why?
RAMPAGE: Doesn’t that tell you something?
SKOB BIR: (puzzled) No. Why? Should it?
RAMPAGE: (actually looks at Skob Bir) ...nevermind.
STARRING:
LAME-O-TRON (MEGATRON)
RAMPAGE: (laughs)
LAME-O-TRON: Grrrr...(compresses Rampage’s spark)
RAMPAGE: Urk!
OPTIONAL PRIMATE (OPTIMUS PRIMAL)
RAMPAGE: Uh...
LAME-O-TRON: He’s the ape in the corner. (points)
OPTIONAL PRIMATE: Ook. Ook, ook. (scratches his armpit)
RAMPAGE: Right...
LAME-O-TRON: (shrugs) Well, he’s an optional character. Most of the time the director tries to get Optimus Primal to do his own stunts. For some reason, the man just doesn’t like having Primate around...
PRIMATE: Ook. (squats on the floor) Ook!
LAME-O-TRON: No! Bad ape!
RAMPAGE: (mumbling) This must be why the director’s always saying something about needing a drink...
CHEATER (CHEETOR)
RAMPAGE: I don’t even want to know...
WIDOW (BLACKARACHNIA)
LAME-O-TRON: She’s had six husbands so far. I heard she’s looking for another one, so beware.
(Rampage eyes the Blackarachnia look-alike warily. She just looks at him with a gleam in her optics, and he moves until Lame-o-tron is between them.)
SHALLOW END (DEPTH CHARGE)
RAMPAGE: Um...does he always drool on himself like that?
LAME-O-TRON: Why do you think he has an AQUATIC beast mode?
RAMPAGE: ...Ugh.
SPIDER BOY (TARANTULAS)
RAMPAGE: (sarcastic) What? Was Spiderman booked?
LAME-O-TRON: (shrugs) No. He just doesn’t look like Tarantulas.
RAMPAGE: ......
WASP-HATER (WASPINATOR)
RAMPAGE: Let me guess; he hates wasps?
WASP-HATER: (runs over with a deranged look on his face and a can of bug-killer) Wasps?! Where?! I have to kill them!!! (points at Rampage) You’re a wasp in disguise! I just know it! (sprays him with bug-killer) DIE!!
RAMPAGE: (blinks) You DO know that your beast mode is a wasp, right?
WASP-HATER: (astonished) WHAT?! Noooooooo!!!
(Wasp-Hater begins spraying himself with the bug-killer and beating himself with a fly-swatter he pulls from no where. The stunt doubles rush over and pin him down.)
WASP-HATER: (frantic) No! Must...kill...self... (slowly brings the hand holding the bug-killer towards his face) DEATH TO WASPS!!!
(The stunt doubles wrestle the can loose and drag him off.)
LAME-O-TRON: (reproachful) We try not to mention...those bugs...around him. He gets a bit...upset.
RAMPAGE: (disbelieving) Just because of wasps?
WASP-HATER: (in the distance) Wasp! (several crashes) DIIIiiiiieeeee...(fading)
RAMPAGE: ...okay...
LAME-O-TRON: (tired) Wonderful. Skob Bir, you had better get rid of any of Wasp-Hater’s appearances. We’re gonna have to sedate him for the rest of today.
SKOB BIR: Sure!
RAMPAGE: You people need help. You know that, right?
TM2 CLEANING-BOT (TM2 DINOBOT)
RAMPAGE: (puzzled) Who’s he? I’ve never heard of TM2 Dinobot.
LAME-O-TRON: (laughs awkwardly) Uh, well, you’ll see...nothing to worry about...nothing at all...
RAMPAGE: (suspicious) Does this have something to do with that episode nobody would tell me about?
LAME-O-TRON: (whistles innocently)
RAMPAGE: (looks around) How did birds get in the studio?
MIGHTY MOUSE (RATTRAP)
RAMPAGE: Mighty Mouse?!
MM: (shrugs) Hey, I needed some work, and I’m good with acting. So I lost the cape and got some armor. Ta-da! I’m Rattrap!
RAMPAGE: (edges away) I think I actually prefer working with the normal cast...
OX (RHINOX)
LAME-O-TRON: You know, there’s an interesting story behind--
RAMPAGE: I don’t want to know. I really don’t.
SMOKEY (INFERNO)
RAMPAGE: (incredulous) Smokey the Bear?! Inferno’s stunt double is Smokey the Bear?!!!
LAME-O-TRON: Er, no. We just call him Smokey because, um, well...he couldn’t keep a fire going with gasoline. The last I saw of him, he was in the back room trying to light a match. It wasn’t working...
RAMPAGE: (muttering) This gets weirder by the moment...
SNAKEBITE (QUICKSTRIKE)
RAMPAGE: Finally! Someone who seems normal!
SNAKEBITE: (r-e-e-a-ally slow) Hel.....lo....
RAMPAGE: (sighs) Nevermind...
FLUTTERMUTT (SILVERBOLT)
RAMPAGE: ...please tell me that’s not his real name.
LAME-O-TRON: Er...
RAMPAGE: And I’m expected to work with these people?!
RAMPAGE (RAMPAGE)
RAMPAGE: Forget it! I’d rather go back to the closet! I’m outta here! (turns to leave, only to see Lame-o-tron holding the spark-box) I hate you.
LAME-O-TRON: (shrugs) So?
SKOB BIR: (insane) You’ll hate him even MORE after we’re done with this episode!
RAMPAGE: (looks between the human and the stunt doubles suspiciously) What does he mean?
EVERYONE BUT RAMPAGE: (whistles innocently)
RAMPAGE: (looks around in puzzlement) That’s the second time, and I still don’t see any birds...
LAME-O-TRON: (rushed) Places, everyone!
(The stunt doubles scramble to get in their places while Skob Bir grabs the camera. He whirls it in circles for a while until Widow smacks him upside the head. Then he finally focuses in on the set. The scene is supposed to be the top of a cliff on a stormy night, but half of the set is shredded, creating a strange patchwork. Lame-o-tron and Smokey are standing there, in front of a fax machine.)
LAME-O-TRON: (irritated) Are you sure there isn’t anything else we can use for this? It’s supposed to be my evil machine, after all.
RAMPAGE: (practical) Well, what is it supposed to do?
LAME-O-TRON: It’s, um, er...
RAMPAGE: (impatient) Yes?
SMOKEY: It’s supposed to bring something to life.
RAMPAGE: Oh, is that all--wait a nano, don’t you need a spark for that? Where are you getting a spark?
EVERYONE BUT RAMPAGE: (whistles innocently)
RAMPAGE: (looks around in confusion) That’s the third time it’s happened! Where are all the birds coming from?!
SNAKEBITE: How...ab...out....a...co...py...ma...ch...ine?
(It takes everybody a couple seconds to piece together what the ultra-slow Predacon stunt double had said, but they eventually understand.)
LAME-O-TRON: (sighs) Good enough. And there IS a certain kind of irony...
RAMPAGE: (muttering) Should I? Shouldn’t I? (gives in to his curiosity) How so?
LAME-O-TRON: Before Skob Bir rewrote it, Megatron was supposed to bring Dinobot back to life by cloning him.
RAMPAGE: Oh. So what are you bringing to life?
LAME-O-TRON: (cheerful) A cleaning drone. I hate cleaning.
RAMPAGE: .....
SMOKEY: Okay, we’ve got the copying machine. Let’s do it!
(Everyone scrambles for positions. Lame-o-tron makes some speech written by Skob Bir to Smokey while they wait for Cheater to prod Shallow End towards them. No one understands the speech, except, possibly, Skob Bir. He tries to do a close-up on Lame-o-tron’s face, but ends up focusing on only his nose. While the tyrant stunt double talks, we can only see his nose.)
LAME-O-TRON: --and blah blah, yackity, yak. (to Cheater) Are you two ready yet?
CHEATER: (shoves Shallow End) Sure.
LAME-O-TRON: Great! So, using this, my evil machine (he points to the copying machine), and this, my Transmetal, um, Thingie (holds up a pint of ice cream), I will bring my creation to life!
(The camera moves from focusing on Lame-o-tron’s nose to Rampage as the crab starts laughing.)
RAMPAGE: (laughing) That’s IT? A pint of ICE CREAM?! You’re going to do all this stuff with THAT?! (falls over from laughing so hard) Now I know how you got your name!
(The camera swings back to Lame-o-tron, who is scowling at the crab.)
LAME-O-TRON: Grrrr...(decides to ignore Rampage) Anyway, I will destroy the Maximals, yadda yadda yadda, and I will use this machine to bring to life the key to the Maximals’ destruction, using this spark (holds up Rampage’s spark-in-a-box)!
RAMPAGE: Bir, you write some pretty stupid speeches--WHAT?!
(There are some sounds of a scuffle, and the camera moves from the smug-looking Lame-o-tron to Rampage. The crab is tied up, gagged, and glaring daggers at everyone. He does NOT look happy.)
LAME-O-TRON: (smug) And now... (he sets the ice cream onto the copy machine and plugs the machine into an electrical outlet and a nearby cleaning drone, setting the spark-box on the drone at the same time) Stand back!
RAMPAGE: (angry) Mmmph!
(Meanwhile, Cheater and Shallow End have flown into sight of the Predacon stunt doubles. The flying cat has grown well and truly sick of directing the stupid ray-bot everywhere, but he thinks he’s found a way to live up to his name.)
CHEATER: (patient) Shallow End, I want you to dive down there and steal the ice cream. I’ll stay here and...um, supervise.
SHALLOW END: Duh...okay.
(As that is going on, the top of the copier begins to glow, turning the area around the ice cream to light up. Some of that light hits the cleaning drone, and suddenly the spark on top of it is absorbed into it! The drone begins to move...)
LAME-O-TRON: (excited) Yessss. Yesss! (realizes what he’s doing) Slaggit, I have to take a class or something for that speech pattern problem...
SMOKEY: Er, Royalty?
LAME-O-TRON: What?
SMOKEY: The drone...(points to where the cleaning drone is rolling forward)
(The cleaning drone looks sort of like a trash can. It has two arms that are really vacuum cleaners, and it is currently examining these. It accidentally turns one on while it’s looking at it, and the vacuum gets stuck to it. After a moment, it figures out how to turn the vacuum off again.)
LAME-O-TRON: Yessss...I will never have to do housework again! It is...Transmetal 2 Cleaning-Bot!
(His self-congratulatory speech, as written by Skob Bir, is cut short by Shallow End’s attempt at stealing the ice cream. The ray-bot ALMOST gets away with swooping down out of the sky to grab the stuff, but then he ran straight into the set. The already-weakened scenery collapses, burying Shallow End in the wreckage and sending everyone flying. The ice cream somehow lands safely, but the copying machine explodes, throwing Cheater through some walls and into the director’s office.)
CHEATER: (dazed) What the..?
(He’s lying on the expensive faux fur throw rug that one of the director’s Anger Management teachers had recommended to him. Due to the almost daily beatings the man gave the poor thing, it is rather scruffy.)
CHEATER: (guilty) Oh, great. I’m going to have to think up SOME story to weasel out of admitting I trashed the director’s office... (thinks) Hey, that might work...
(Meanwhile, Skob Bir’s rewritten horror continues. Shallow End digs his way out of the wreckage and staggers across the studio to where the Maximal base scenery is. The Maximal stunt doubles are there, but they look up from their partying when the ray-bot stumbles in.)
MIGHTY MOUSE: (dismayed) Aw...I thought we were finally rid of him!
WIDOW: Slag.
SPIDER BOY: (hopeful) I could finish him off...
OX: Hey, what are YOU doing here?! (points at Spider Boy)
SPIDER BOY: (shrugs) Widow invited me.
WIDOW: Why don’t you come with me for a moment? (beckons to Spider Boy, who shrugs again and follows her to a back room. She comes back out a little while later, minus a Pred stunt double) *munchmunchburp* Excuse me!
MIGHTY MOUSE: .....
OX: .....
FLUTTERMUTT: Um, shouldn’t we be doing something about him? (points at Shallow End)
MM: Like push him into the lava? Nah, it’s too late for that. Now if you had just thought of that when he was coming in, so I could have made it seem like an accident...
FLUTTERMUTT: (shakes his head) No, no, no. I mean, shouldn’t we find out why he’s injured? Or why Cheater isn’t with him?
MM: .....
OX: Er, I think that’s Optional Primate’s job.
FLUTTERMUTT: Okay. Hey, Shallow End! (points) Go over there!
SHALLOW END: (happy) Sure...
OPTIONAL PRIMATE: Ook? Ook, ook. (scratches his head)
SHALLOW END: Ook. (imitates Primate’s gesture)
PRIMATE: Ook. Ook, ook. OOOOK!
SHALLOW END: Ook? Ook.
(A little while later, and the two are checking each other’s heads for edible bugs.)
MM: ....
FLUTTERMUTT: ....
OX: ....
WIDOW: How about we leave the ape and ape-wanna-be in peace? (there’s a general agreement, but she pauses as she’s about to leave the room with everyone) Hey, what’s that he’s holding? (she steps closer) That looks like a pint of ice cream...
(She tries to tug it out of Shallow End’s hand, but he clings to it stubbornly. Widow eventually gets it by bribing him with a banana.)
WIDOW: I’m a little too full for this now, but it’ll be nice for later...
(During this, at the Predacon base...)
LAME-O-TRON: Okay, you can untie him now.
(Snakebite and Smokey untie Rampage.)
RAMPAGE: (lunges for Lame-o-tron) I’m going to kill you!
LAME-O-TRON: (steps back) Now, now, Rampage. Be good, or I’ll have TM2 Cleaning-bot do something nasty to you. (pats the top of Cleaning-bot)
RAMPAGE: (glares at Cleaning-Bot) You’ve made my spark into this, this, LIVING VACUUM!!
LAME-O-TRON: So? Now I’ll never have to clean again. Still, I don’t like the tone of your voice. Cleaning-Bot, discipline Rampage, if you would.
(TM2 Dinobot is a rather simple drone. Technically alive because of Rampage’s spark, it can only process simple commands. ‘Discipline’ is not on its list of commands, so it assumes Lame-o-tron meant the command closest to it: ‘Clean’.)
RAMPAGE: (sarcastic) What’s it going to do? Polish m-- (he’s cut off as suddenly most of his leg is caught in one of TM2 Cleaning-Bot’s vacuum arms) AAAALEGGO OF ME AAAAAAA!!! (he hops away to one side, dragging TM2 Cleaning-Bot with him) HEEEEEeeeee...(fading away)
(The Predacon stunt doubles stare after him.)
LAME-O-TRON: (astonished) Well, that was a bit--
(Rampage suddenly hops back the way he came. He’s gotten most of his leg back out of vacuum, but now TM2 Cleaning-Bot is attempting to get him with the other arm, too.)
RAMPAGE: (fading in and out)...eeeeEEEEEELLLLPPP MEEEEeeeee.....(hops away)
SMOKEY: (uncertain) Um...wanna go bug the Maximals? I could use the ice cream, if we could find it...
LAME-O-TRON: Uh, right. The Maximals probably have it, anyway.
(The Predacons all leave for the Maximal base. Only Rampage and TM2 Cleaning-Bot are left behind. Rampage runs back the opposite way, being chased by Cleaning-Bot.)
TM2 CLEANING-BOT: *Vroooom!*
RAMPAGE: (panicked) AAAAA!! Psycho killer vacuum on the loose! (turns to fire a missile at it)
(The missile hits the drone and explodes, blowing the top off of it. It sputters to a stop.)
RAMPAGE: (sighs in relief) Now I just have to get my spark out of it, and--WHAT?! No!
(TM2 Cleaning-Bot starts to move again as its spark heals it. Rampage runs away, still being pursued by the determined drone.)
(At the Maximal base, Shallow End has been kicked out because of what he and Primate did to the carpet. He’s sitting against a rock, staring up at the sky.)
SHALLOW END: Oook...
(The Predacons creep up on him. Well, okay, so they just walked over.)
LAME-O-TRON: (smacks Shallow End on the head) Hey, where’s my ice cream, dufus?
SHALLOW END: Ook, ook. (he waves his hands) Ook!
SMOKEY: (exasperated) I’d torture him using my flamethowers, but, er...(holds up his flamethrower and pulls the trigger. A puff of smoke comes out.) Sorry, Royalty.
SNAKEBITE: (really slow/normal for him) What...ab...out...T...M...2...Clean...ing...Bot?
(It takes a moment to figure out what he said. Then...)
LAME-O-TRON: (brightens) Of course! (calls) Oh, Cleaning-Bot! Come here!
(The sound of screaming gets closer, and Rampage runs across the set. TM2 Cleaning-Bot follows him, but stops chasing him in favor of obeying Lame-o-tron’s new order.)
RAMPAGE: (gasping) I...need a...drink. (he stumbles over to the director’s liquor cabinet and pulls out a bottle labeled ‘Vodka’) The director says this stuff helps HIM, so why not me? (gulps down the entire gallon-sized bottle of alcohol)
(Rampage doesn’t notice when Cheater sneaks past him, creeping towards where the Predacons are trying to annoy Shallow End into giving them the ice cream. The cat has the scruffy faux fur rug from the director’s office thrown over his beast mode.)
CHEATER: (cunning) If I rescue Shallow End and play stupid, no one will ever know I trashed the director’s office. (He peeks over a boulder) Alright...GO!
(The Predacon stunt doubles don’t have time to react before Cheater runs through their ranks, clawing and biting as he goes. The fur rug actually does more damage than the cat by swinging around and hitting Preds, sending them stumbling into each other. He’s gone before the Preds recover enough to recognize him.)
LAME-O-TRON: (spit out a mouthful of faux fur) What was THAT?!
SMOKEY: (looks at his missing arms) Ow...
SNAKEBITE: I’ll...get...it...(slowly walks towards the boulder where the strange animal had disappeared.) Tin...horn...
(It takes a little while for the slow Predacon stunt double to get to the boulder, but Cheater easily shreds him once he actually arrives.)
LAME-O-TRON: (uneasy) Skob Bir? Is this in the script?
(The man behind the camera hesitates. If he says no, he looks stupid and the filming would stop. If he says yes, he looks stupid and the filming goes on. Which one sounded like more fun?)
(The camera nods and does another close-up of Lame-o-tron’s nose as a snarling sound comes from behind the boulder. The nose looks frightened.)
LAME-O-TRON: (uncomfortable) Um, TM2 Cleaning-Bot, Smokey, let’s get out of here. Ice cream isn’t worth the trouble.
(The Predacons run away, leaving Shallow End to his fate.)
SHALLOW END: (happy) Ook, ook!
(Cheater walks out from behind the boulder and looks at the ray-bot strangely. Shallow End continues to monkey-talk to no one.)
CHEATER: (disgusted) Forget rescuing you. I think I’ll just finish you off... (he walks closer and snarls in Shallow End’s face. He pauses as another sound besides the monkey-chatter is heard.) Slag! I can’t kill him if there’s a witness! (he runs off)
OPTIONAL PRIMATE: (comes into sight and beckons to Shallow End) Ook!
SHALLOW END: Ook?
PRIMATE: Ook, ook, ook. Ook!
(Shallow End follows Optional Primate back into the Maximal base, where the Maximals have cleaned up the mess. Widow is sitting at a console looking at the pint of ice cream.)
WIDOW: (thoughtful) Hmmm...eat it now, or later?
MIGHTY MOUSE: (comes up behind her) I dunno, but doesn’t that ice cream seem kind of old? It might get up and walk away!
WIDOW: (frowns) You’re right. But I haven’t had ice cream in so long...
OX: (shrugs) Well, you have to decide between being ice cream deprived or having your systems act funny because of the stuff.
WIDOW: (sighs) I suppose you’re right. (notices the ape and ray) Hey, how’d you get back inside?! And where’s Cheater?!
FLUTTERMUTT: (checks a monitor) Um, I think he’s at the door. Should we go greet him? We can kick the morons out while we’re at it...(points at Shallow End and Optional Primate)
WIDOW: (cheerful) Now, THAT’S talking! (forgets the ice cream and leaves it on the console)
(The Maximals meet Cheater at the door, dragging Optional Primate and Shallow End with them. The cat is looking a little worse for wear, but is obviously hiding something behind his back.)
FLUTTERMUTT: Hey, whatcha got?
CHEATER: Um...(whistles innocently)
(Suddenly, Rampage reels by in the background.)
RAMPAGE: (looks around in drunken irritation) Slagging birds...*hic*
(The Maximals watch him stagger away and shrug.)
WIDOW: Anyway...
OX: (concerned) Are you feeling alright, Cheater? You don’t look so good.
CHEATER: (thinks quickly) Uh, no. Maybe I should go lie down.
WIDOW: (purring) Okay...(she takes his arm and guides him towards his room. She notices the slightly-melted pint of ice cream on the console and grabs it) Here you go. Ice cream makes everything better! (mutters) And it might just kill you off in the bargain...hehehe...
CHEATER: ...okay...(he keeps the scruffy faux fur rug behind his back)
(After a long time, Mighty Mouse is asleep on duty. One of his monitors shows the hallway outside of Cheater’s quarters. Inside of the room, Cheater is pacing around nervously. He had eaten the old pint of ice cream earlier, and the spoiled dairy product is affecting him.)
CHEATER: (groans) Oooh, I don’t feel so great. (resumes pacing) Slaggit, I have to get this stupid rug back to the director’s office without anyone knowing it was me! (kicks at the faux fur rug on the floor) Hmm, maybe if I acted like...yeah...
(A little while later, the door to Cheater’s room bursts open, revealing a cat with a scruffy fur coat. It’s almost unrecognizable as Cheater, and it runs out of the base. Eventually, Mighty Mouse wakes up.)
MM: (looks at the Instant-Replay on the monitor) Slag! Hey, everybody!
(Later...)
FLUTTERMUTT: I say we send Optional Primate and Shallow End after it.
WIDOW: No, we can’t do that.
FLUTTERMUTT: I thought you didn’t care what happened to them!
WIDOW: I don’t. But Shallow End is currently attempting to snorkel in the lava, so I don’t think we should disturb him. And Optional Primate needs someone along to prod him towards where he’s supposed to go.
FLUTTERMUTT: Oh...
MM: (sighs) Okay, I’ll take the ape. I still think that Cheater’s just playing some sort of prank, though.
OX: Maybe. Go, anyways.
MM: Yeah, yeah, yeah. C’mon, Primate. This way...(prods the ape along) Maybe I can sacrifice you to the fuzzy cat-thing, and it’ll give Cheater back...
PRIMATE: (excited) Ook! Ook, ook!
OX: No! Not the carpet--aw, slag.
(Meanwhile, at the Predacon base, the stunt doubles are watching TV.)
LAME-O-TRON: Are you sure this is in the script, Skob?
(The camera nods.)
SMOKEY: Kind of boring, really.
(Rampage stumbles into the room, loses his balance, and falls into the TV. The TV antenna bends under his weight, making the reception so bad the Predacon stunt doubles are forced to change the channel.)
LAME-O-TRON: (irritated) Now look what you did! Oh, great. This is the only clear channel we can get!
RAMPAGE: *hic* Thish shtuff ish great!
SNAKEBITE: Tele...Tub...bie...bye...bye!
LAME-O-TRON: (flicks a switch) Surveillance camera footage is better than that! (the screen shows a dark plain with a scruffy cat running across it) Hmm, almost as good as a movie...where’s my popcorn?
RAMPAGE: (spots TM2 Cleaning-Bot) AAAAIIIIEEE! Get it away!! *hic* (he flees the base)
SMOKEY: .....
SNAKEBITE: . . . . .
LAME-O-TRON: (blinks) Right. Cleaning-Bot, gimme that popcorn.
(Out on the plain, Cheater finishes running across that particular set and skids around a corner. He dives into the director’s office and throws the faux fur rug back onto the floor.)
CHEATER: (relieved) Whew! I did it! No one will suspect a thing! (walks out of the office and around the corner) Oh, slag.
MM: (suspicious) Whaddya doin’ over here, Cheater? I though the fuzzy cat thing got you.
PRIMATE: Ook!
CHEATER: Uh...I fought it off? (whistles innocently)
RAMPAGE: (in the distance) Kill the birds! ( a couple missiles are fired randomly) Ooo, I have a hangover...
PRIMATE: Ook, ook. Ook? Ook! (the ape runs past Cheater and into the director’s office)
MM: (panicked) No! Stop him!
(Cheater and Mighty Mouse run into the office, only to be confronted by disaster.)
MM: (disgusted) Aw, you had to use the rug, didn’t ya.
(The pint of ice cream comes back to haunt Cheater, and the cat throws up on the floor.)
CHEATER: Yuck! And I just got done cleaning this place...up...oops...
MM: (angry) What were you doing in here?!
CHEATER: (thinks desperately) Um...it was that ice cream. It just...affected me. You know, sort of like how eating wild beans affected Rhinox that one time.
MM: (suspicious) So you’re saying that the ice cream was wild?
CHEATER: Er...yeah.
MM: (shrugs) Works for me. We’ve got a big problem, though... (looks around the mess made by Cheater and Optional Primate) Oooh, yeah.
CHEATER: (thinks) Wait a minute, there might be some help...
(The Predacon stunt doubles are taking a nap when the computer buzzes.)
COMPUTER: Maximal transmission.
LAME-O-TRON: (yawn) Take a message.
COMPUTER: .....
LAME-O-TRON: Oh, fine. Put the Maximal on.
MIGHTY MOUSE: Hey, Lame-o-tron!
LAME-O-TRON: I’m busy. Can you call back later?
MM: Er...
LAME-O-TRON: Nevermind. What?
MM: Can we borrow TM2 Cleaning-Bot? Cheater and Optional Primate made a mess of the director’s office.
LAME-O-TRON: (thinks about what might happen if the director came back to a mess) I’m sending it out now! (pauses) Why did they go into the director’s office, anyway?
MM: Cheater blames it on the feral ice cream.
LAME-O-TRON: (blinks)....right...
(While the Maximal stunt doubles are waiting for the drone, Cheater attempts to move the rug away from Optional Primate.)
PRIMATE: Ook! (he refuses to let go)
CHEATER: (yanks) Give me that!
PRIMATE: Ookiedokay! (lets go)
(Cheater goes flying as the rug is freed. He crashes into a wall, the rug on top of him. He’s sitting there in a daze when TM2 Cleaning-Bot comes into the room. Due to the rather simple orders given to it by Megatron, ‘Clean’, it immediately attacks Cheater and rug in a frenzy of cleaning.)
CHEATER: (panicked) Ack! Help!
(Rug, cat, and cleaning drone tumble around the room. Cheater is trying to get free, TM2 Cleaning-Bot is trying to clean the rug, and the rug is just stuck in the middle. The rest of the Maximal stunt doubles arrive just as Cheater manages to temporarily free of the cleaning drone. Unfortunately, the rug appears to be stuck in Cheater’s hip joint, and the cleaning drone and cat uneasily face off.)
WIDOW: (casual) What’s with Cheater?
MM: Cleaning-Bot wants the rug, but it’s stuck on Cheater.
OX: (takes a deep breath) Okay...everybody stay calm...(he slowly reaches for the rug)
CHEATER: Grrrrr....
TM2 CLEANING-BOT: *Vroooom!*
OX: Easy, Cheater...I’m just gonna...
CHEATER: MReOW! (claws at Ox)
FLUTTERMUTT: Well, THAT didn’t work. Suggestions?
WIDOW: How about we throw the ape at them?
MM: What’s with you and trying to kill people?
WIDOW: (smiles)
MM: Er, yeah. Let’s try that.
(The Maximal stunt doubles all grab Optional Primate.)
OX: One...two...THREE! Heave!
PRIMATE: Ooooooook! (lands on the rug)
(Cheater jerked away at the same time, freeing himself from the rug. Optional Primate runs out of the director’s office with it, TM2 Cleaning-Bot on his heels.)
PRIMATE: (fading into the distance) Ook! Ook, ook!
(About that time, when the Maximal stunt doubles are looking at each other and wondering what the slag they should do, the Predacon doubles show up.)
LAME-O-TRON: (sighs) Skob Bir, are you SURE you’ll be able to do something with this?
(The camera nods. The Maximals and Predacon look at each other and shrug.)
FLUTTERMUTT: Okay, so what now?
SKOB BIR: (from behind the camera) I think the script calls for one last scene with all of you.
MM: (suspicious) You know, I haven’t actually SEEN a copy of this script yet. Did you really even write one?
SKOB BIR: (whistles innocently)
RAMPAGE: (runs onto the set) I heard a bird! WHERE IS IT?! (looks around with a deranged look on his face) I’m gonna kill it!
LAME-O-TRON: (delighted) Ah, perfect timing, Rampage! You’re just in time for the last scene!
RAMPAGE: (muttering) Slag. (thinks) Um, I’m still too drunk to do anything. See? (he staggers)
SMOKEY: (suspicious) Doesn’t your healing ability take care of that?
RAMPAGE: Uh...
WIDOW: (smiles) Okay, if you’re so drunk...will you marry me?
RAMPAGE: (backs away in horror) No!! Never!
WIDOW: (pouts) Slag, you’re not that drunk. (sweetly) Well, then you can still be in this scene.
RAMPAGE: Slag.
(Suddenly, Optional Primate runs through the scene, still hauling the rug with him. The ape pauses only long enough to throw the battered faux fur rug onto Rampage, then he runs away. Rampage looks at the rug curiously, wondering what the slag is going on, and TM2 Cleaning-Bot enters the area. The drone is still dealing with Megatron’s order to ‘Clean’, so it’s chasing after the rug. When it sees Rampage, though, it remembers Megatron’s original order to ‘Clean’ the crab. Happily for the cleaning drone, both the rug and the crab are there.)
TM2 CLEANING-BOT: *Vrrrroooooom!*
RAMPAGE: GAH! (desperately runs away) Noooooo....(fades into the distance as the drone gives chase)
(The Maximal and Predacon stunt doubles watch them go in astonishment. Eventually they turn their stares on each other. There’s a long moment of thought, and they come to an agreement silent.)
LAME-O-TRON: Skob Bir?
(The camera turns to face him.)
LAME-O-TRON: Let’s never mention this again.
SKOB BIR: But--
WIDOW: We’re going to pretend this never happened, okay?
(Skob Bir grumbles, but eventually agrees. The stunt doubles quietly clean up what they can and quickly leave the studio. Behind them, Rampage and TM2 Cleaning-Bot continue to run around frantically.)
(A couple hours later, the REAL Beast Wars character cast arrives back at the studio.)
DEPTH CHARGE: (opens the door) I have to check on X--
(Rampage almost slams into him as the ray-bot steps inside.)
RAMPAGE: (skids to halt and pants) Help! (nervously looks behind himself at a clanking sound) It’s gonna get me...
(The Predacons and Maximals blink at him, then look around the studio.)
MEGATRON: (angry) You did all this damage?!
RAMPAGE: No! The stunt doubles did!
DC: (sarcastic) Uh-huh.
RAMPAGE: (pitiful) But...they did...
RATTRAP: (from the director’s office) Holy slag! What did you DO?!
RAMPAGE: I didn’t do anything! Cheater did it!
CHEETOR: (angry) I wasn’t even here!
RAMPAGE: Not you. Your stunt double!
(The Maximals and Predacons slowly back away from the crab, looking at him strangely.)
MEGATRON: (angry/fearful) The director’s going to pitch a fit when he sees his office...
DC: (chuckles evilly) You’re dead, X.
RAMPAGE: (weakly) But...I didn’t...the doubles...Skob Bir...
(The Beast Warriors smile and nod. They eventually coax the bewildered crab back into the closet while they clean up what they could.)
RAMPAGE: (sighs and flicks on the light switch) I hate it in here...(freezes as he turns around in the closet) No...
(The Beast Warriors look up from their work as Rampage’s desperate pleading to get out gets louder and louder. There are strange sounds coming from the closet. Almost like a vacuum cleaner...)
OPTIMUS PRIMAL: (curious) What’s Rampage so afraid of?
DC: (shrugs) Who knows. All that’s in there is that weird cleaning drone I found over in the corner...
WASPINATOR: (from behind some scenery sets) Wazzzpinator find zzzomeone! Wazzzp-bot lookzz like Wazzzpinator!
WASP-HATER: Wasp!! Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!....
RAMPAGE: (from the closet) Help! I’ll be good! I promise! Swear! Don’t leave me in here with this thing!! Please!!!
(From the door...)
DIRECTOR: WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?????!!!!!!
BEAST WARRIORS: (gulp) Uh-oh...
If you have any idea what I was on when I wrote this, e-mail me at dementedangel@hotmail.com . Maybe I shared some of Rampage’s vodka... ;)