Deep Trouble: A Non-Angsty Depth Charge Fic

By: Michael

 PG-L

Disclaimer:  Hasbro owns BW and BM. 

“You want me to do WHAT?!?” demanded an irate Depth Charge.

“Calm down, DC,” urged Primus, “Beast Machines hasn’t been doing very well lately and Hasbro only wants you to make a special guest appearance in order to boost ratings!”

“So you interrupt my nice, leisurely life of sipping energon gin in the Matrix to go down to that stinking hellhole?” asked Depth Charge, “Forget it!  I ain’t giving up the good life!”

“Even if it means forsaking your friends from the Beast Wars?” asked Primus, hoping to appeal to Depth Charge’s emotions.

“In case you haven’t noticed, Primus, I never exactly got along with them,” groaned Depth Charge, “Why don’t you and those robber barons from Hasbro choose Dinobot instead?”

“Because Hasbro feels that bringing back Dinobot a third time would only be redundant,” explained Primus, “You, on the other hand, have a massive fanbase that rivals that of Dinobot, even though you were only in seven episodes.  And you’ve only died once… so that counts for something!”

“So that automatically makes me your perfect guinea pig, eh?” grunted Depth Charge, “Tell me exactly why I should care what goes on in that crap-fest of a show?”

“Wouldn’t you like the chance to revive your once-illustrious fanbase?” asked Primus, “Don’t you think this is a great chance for shameless self-promotion?  I mean, you’re not going to get many other chances for fame, especially considering how most Transformers series outside of Beast Wars cater only to little kids who actually think adding in elements of Pokemon is a good idea!”

“Hmm, now that I think of it,” mused Depth Charge, “Maybe I CAN get a slightly better deal in Beast Machines…  But what do YOU get out of this?”

“Well, I… err…” stammered Primus.  Depth Charge searched his jolly, rotund face inquisitively.  

“Oh, I see how it is,” accused Depth Charge, “By sucking up to Hasbro through convincing me, you’re hoping to get a few shameless, self-inserting cameos in Robots in Disguise, or Armada!  If not cameos, then a little mention sprinkled here and there!  I guess we know now who REALLY runs this cluster-fuck of a universe!”

Primus did the unexpected.  He broke down and started crying. 

“It’s true… IT’S ALL TRUE!” he cried, “I’m not really a god… I’M JUST A USELESS PLOT DEVICE INVENTED BY SOME WANKY COMIC BOOK WRITER!”

Depth Charge patted Primus on the back.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better,” he said, trying to improve the situation, “I always kinda knew you were useless…”

“You… knew?” sniffed Primus.

“Well, yeah,” said Depth Charge, “Everybody in the Transformers universe knows you can’t do jack.”

This only made Primus sob even harder.

“Okay, okay!” growled Depth Charge, “I’ll make the appearance on Beast Machines if it’ll make you feel better!”

“You… will?” asked Primus, who sneezed on a handkerchief.

“No duh!” snarled Depth Charge, “You think I want to put up with your gigantic emo-fest for all eternity in the Matrix?!?  Somehow, I think I’ll take my chances in Beast Machines.”

Primus seemed to be his jolly self again.

“Stupendous!” he exclaimed, “I’ll send you down there right away!”

“Wait!” cried Depth Charge, “I haven’t even gotten the chance to pack my bags yet!”

With a magical wave of his big, round hand, Primus made Depth Charge disappear through magic provided only by the powers-that-be, Hasbro.

“I swear, he’s such a useless god!” grumbled Depth Charge.  Soon, he appeared on his old homeworld of Cybertron.

“Whoa!  Hello!” he exclaimed as he soon recognized the planet, “I thought this place was a much more… populated resort!”

“Depth Charge?  Is that you?” came a voice from behind him.

Depth Charge turned around to view some of the most hideous faces he had ever seen.

With a blood-curdling scream, Depth Charge punched the biggest and most visible face with all his might.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed Depth Charge.

“What do you think you’re doing?!?” yelled the golden robot in a familiar voice, “You just punched out Optimus!”

“Opti---  Wait a sec!  That thing’s Optimus Primal?” demanded Depth Charge.

“Yeah, and I’m Cheetor,” snapped the golden robot, “Nice to see you again!  You gonna punch me out too?”

Depth Charge observed the seven robots more closely.   

“Oh, so it’s you guys,” he said, breathing a sigh of relief, “So what exactly happened to you?”

“Umm, to make a long story short, Optimus tried something mind-blowing and decided to turn Cybertron into a farming community… provided he can beat Megatron,” explained Cheetor, “Although with the way he’s been handling things, I doubt he’d succeed.”

“Geez, you broke his jaw!” cried the rodent-like Transformer that Depth Charge recognized as Rattrap, “Didja have to punch THAT hard?”

“The guy freaked me out!” said Depth Charge defensively, “Did you expect me to stay there and yell at the top of my lungs all day?”

“Guess you have a point,” shrugged Rattrap.

Depth Charge looked at the rest.

“I’m Botanica.  Want to see what my vines can do?” asked a BIZARRE-looking creature.

“Umm, I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that,” replied Depth Charge and hurriedly turned away. 

“I’m guessing you two are Silverbolt and Blackarachnia,” he said staring at the two besides him.

“Yup, don’t I look fantastic?” asked Blackarachnia.  Depth Charge only rolled his eyes.

“And what happened to you?” he asked the one who was supposed to be Silverbolt.

Silverbolt regarded him suspiciously.  Then, without warning, he threw a star aimed directly for DC’s head.

Depth Charge barely dodged it.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?” he demanded angrily.

Cheetor and Blackarachnia grabbed the cursing and ranting Silverbolt and dragged him away before things could get violent.

“Err, sorry,” apologized Rattrap, “Old bird-dog’s gotten really angst-ridden ever since coming back.  He’s worse than you now!”

Depth Charge looked down at the tiny rodent he could crush so easily.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” he said with a bit of an edge to his voice.

Cheetor and Blackarachnia came back with Silverbolt in a muzzle and straitjacket.  Optimus Primal had come to as well.

“So how did you come back to life?” asked Cheetor.

Depth Charge fumbled around in his mind.  Finally, he came up with an easy, B.S. excuse that the Maximals could buy, given their rather low IQ’s.

“Well, err,” he explained, “I actually survived the battle with Rampage, rebuilt my Skyhopper and traveled through the magical lands of candy canes and marshmallows to come back to Cybertron.”

Lucky for him, the Maximals bought it easily.

“Oh, okay,” said Nightscream, “Can I have a ride on your magical, candy-coated Skyhopper?”

Depth Charge looked at Nightscream as if he were mentally retarded.

“Megatron!” cried Obsidian, “Someone has breached our defenses!”

“Go and destroy him then,” replied a giant, disembodied spark, “I’m too busy watching Martha Stewart.”

Obsidian, Strika, and Thrust looked at each other, sighed, and left.

Soon, they were facing one giant, blue robot that towered above them.

“Umm, who are you again?” asked Strika.

“What?  You don’t even recognize me?” demanded Depth Charge.

Obsidian and Strika shook their heads.  Thrust tilted his head towards an angle, as if vaguely recalling who he was.

“I’m Depth Charge!  You know… former security chief of Omicron who swore he’d hunt Protoform X down after Rampage massacred the whole colony?”

Still, there was no response from the three Vehicons.

“Oh, COME ON!” Depth Charge shouted, “I’ve sold more toys than the three of you combined!  How hard can it be to figure out who I am?!?”

Obsidian took out his Depth Charge action figure he bought from Toys R Us a few days ago.

“Oh!  It’s you!” he exclaimed, “I thought you looked familiar!”

“Yeah, well, I’m just here to kick your collective butts and end this dumpster heap of a show,” said Depth Charge nonchalantly, “After boosting its ratings, that is!”

Megatron had to admit, watching re-runs of Power Rangers had lost its appeal.  There were only so many times he could cheer whenever the MegaZord cut some monster up but lately, it had lost its luster.

The disembodied spark made a noise that sounded like a sigh.

“Yeah, I never did like Kimberly very much as the pink ranger,” said a voice from behind him, “I could never believe she’d just dump Tommy like that, especially after all they’d been through!”

“Wha--!  Depth Charge?!?”  cried Megatron, “Is that you?”

“Yeah, now get ready for the beating of a lifetime!”

“Wait!” pleaded Megatron, “Could you at least wait one more day?  I just recently purchased Season 1 of Friends on DVD!  Allow me the time to properly re-live all those memories!”

Depth Charge groaned loudly.

“Fine!” he consented, “You have one day and one day only!”

“You did all this?” asked Optimus Primal.

The bodies of Obsidian, Strika, Thrust, and the disembodied spark of Megatron were all mounted in a pile.

“Yeah, and it goes to show how much you really suck now, Primal,” said Depth Charge, “You’ve had over 20+ episodes and you still haven’t beaten these losers.”

“But… but…” cried Optimus, “The writers promised that I would have a showdown with Megatron at the end and bring about a techno-organic planet!!!”

“Change of plans, Dr. Zaius,” replied Depth Charge, “They decided to bring me into the show to boost ratings.  Guess you won’t be able to start that tobacco farm like you originally planned, eh?”

“You… ruined my career!” cried Optimus as he broke down and sobbed, “I was supposed to fight Megatron in my old Optimal Optimus body!”

“Why?” demanded Depth Charge, “And drag this show on for how long?  Face it, Optimus!  Ratings are dropping and the only thing that can save it is to end its life as quickly as possible!”

The arguments between Depth Charge and Optimus went on for hours.

“Depth Charge!”

The blue manta ray looked up from his activities to see the face of Primus.

“You again,” he replied impassively.

“What do you think you were doing?” demanded Primus, “You were supposed to make a special guest appearance!  NOT end the show!”

“Look, Primus,” replied Depth Charge angrily, “Have you even taken a look at how BAD this show is?”

“Well, now that you mention it… no.”

“I did Beast Machines a favor by ending its life!” explained Depth Charge, “In fact, I think I changed the course of events more than you ever could.”

“But you were supposed to go along with the script!” yelled Primus.

“What script?” asked Depth Charge.  Primus handed him a script with DC’s lines.

Depth Charge read through them carefully.

“Who wrote this script?” he yelled, “What have they done with me?!?”

“These are the lines you were originally supposed to say in the show,” explained Primus.

The seeds to the future lie in the past AND the present.  To save Cybertron, I must make the ultimate sacrifice and immerse myself in the healing powers of the Oracle.  Then and only then, can I truly say, ‘I am Transformed!’

“Umm, right,” glared Depth Charge, “Like I’d say anything so stupid or corny.”

“Don’t forget,” reminded Primus, “You, yourself, were not without corny lines even in the Beast Wars?”

“When did I ever say anything corny in Beast Wars?”

“Need I remind you, in your premiere episode, you called Rampage ‘creep’ about six or seven times,” replied Primus, “After a while, saying ‘creep’ a few dozen times gets corny as well.”

Depth Charge’s normally blue face turned red.

“Well, uh, just don’t tell anyone, okay?” he asked, “The only person who knew I said those lines was Rampage and now, he’s dead.”

“Wait a minute…” said Primus, “I have been summoned by a being of immense power to attend a meeting.”

“Good for you,” said Depth Charge, “Now get out of my face.”

“Be sure not to go anywhere, Depth Charge!” warned Primus, “I will be back in a few hours to deal with you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” replied Depth Charge who immediately went back to playing the Magic: The Gathering with Thrust, Cheetor, and Nightscream.

“Good news, Depth Charge!” exclaimed Primus who magically reappeared in front of Depth Charge about an hour later.

“Did Hasbro finally decide to can the whole retarded Primus concept?” sneered Depth Charge.

Primus didn’t show it but he was hurt by the remark.  However, he went on.

“It appears that your presence on the show boosted ratings so much that Hasbro has decided NOT to cancel Beast Machines!  Instead, Hasbro wants this show continued until long after it’s syndicated on National Television!”

“WHAT?!?” screamed Depth Charge in blank horror.

Primus mistook the look of shock and horror on Depth Charge’s face to be that of surprise and happiness.

“What’s more!  They’re going to bring back Rampage to star in this show!”

Depth Charge immediately snapped out of his shock and glared at Primus angrily.

“Last time I recall, I KILLED him with an energon blade,” he retorted angrily, “How do you expect to bring him back realistically?”

“Oh, they’ve got it covered,” beamed Primus, “If we can bring you back in such a nonsensical and unrealistic way, we can definitely do the same for him!  Trust me!  With the power of moolah, anything is possible!”

Depth Charge sank to the floor.

“Wasn’t supposed to be this way…” he moaned, “Wanted to enter show… kick butt… and get outta there as quickly as possible…”

“With you and Rampage, Beast Machines will never jump the shark!” cried Primus joyously, “And I can get those cameos I’ve been wanting so badly in Transformers Armada!”

15 Years later…

Because of the success of Beast Machines and its sequels Beast Melees, Beast Skirmishes, and Beast Friends, Depth Charge made enough money to buy a huge mansion in Beverly Hills, California.  Also, with his wide name recognition, he married his high school sweetheart and fathered three adorable children, Deep Charge,

Abyss Charge, and Bottom Charge.

Depth Charge basked in the sun while his three kids ran around shooting each other with plasma cannons.

“This is the life,” he said, “And to think I once wanted to scrap Beast Machines!”

Primus appeared before him once again.

“I see life has been treating you well,” said Primus.

Depth Charge glanced at Primus.

“Long time no see, Primus,” remarked Depth Charge, “Looks like you’ve gained a few pounds.”

“And your mouth is still as crude as ever,” grumbled Primus, “I hope you’ve learned something from all this, Depth Charge!  From the moment I put you in Beast Machines to now, don’t tell me you haven’t learned something from your experiences!”

“That’s right,” thought Primus, “Humble yourself and tell me that you’ve learned to keep an open mind!  Tell me that you were wrong about Beast Machines and that it was a good show after all!  Tell me that I was right to give you a second chance in life!”

“Hmm, what I’ve learned, eh?” mused Depth Charge.

Primus awaited his answer eagerly.

“Well, if I’ve learned anything,” said Depth Charge as he put on his sunglasses, “It’s that not ALL Depth Charge stories have to be dramatic, emotionally-draining angst-fests!”

Primus banged his head against the pavement.

The End.