Camp Cuddly

Cuddly Gallagher, as he was now known, was staring at a little white feather stuck to the top of his boot. He was in the sleeping quarters, which were neat and orderly, but there seemed to be a number of little feathers floating through the window at any given stage during the day. The windows were so high he couldn't see out of them, but he fancied someone was plucking chickens for dinner that evening.

He'd just arrived at the 'Foundation for the Poor Cuddlies', otherwise called "Camp Cuddly". He hadn't seen much of the place, since he was led directly to the sleeping quarters to unpack and get into uniform. Training was to commence an hour after their arrival. They were luckily well rested, as they'd stopped over at a hotel on the way here and had a good night's sleep. He'd just gotten dressed. Around him, the rest of his platoon were getting into their military outfits.

Cuddly Jake was staring at his bed.

"You know, it's a nice gesture and all, but I really don't see why they have to layer the top half of my bed with so many stuffed toys."

"Aw I dunno, they're kinda cute! I used to have a stuffed bear like this when I was a kid," Cuddly Roy said, sitting at the foot of his bed and fiddling with one of his many teddy bears.

Gallagher was tying his laces at the edge of his own bed, and turned around briefly to get a good look at his collection of toys.

"I got stuffed bears, puppy dogs and a lion," he stated.

"A lion? No fair! I never got no lion!" Maxwell exclaimed crossly from the other end of the room.

"Me neither," Corporal Bill frowned. He was joined in by the other cuddlies who noted they had plenty of bears and puppies, but no lions.

Gallagher suddenly felt very threatened. He grabbed his lion and held it protectively against his chest.

"Well it's MY lion! It was given to ME and I sure as heck ain't gonna give to any of you sorry ba---"

He was cut off by the door opening. Bright sunlight poured into the room, along with a puff of feathers. Lieutenant Sapphire stood, silhouetted, in the doorframe.

"Lieutenant, if you don't mind my asking, but where are all these danged feathers coming from?" Corporal Bill asked as a feather settled on his large nose.

She cocked an eyebrow at him.

"That's what I've come in here for. To show you. Are you all dressed?"

"Hang on!" Cuddly Jake called as he frantically tried to put on his bullet proof vest.

"Don't worry about that, Cuddly. You won't be needing it where I'm taking you," she said, and turned on her heels and walked out.

Cuddly Jake's jaw dropped along with his vest.

"Won't be needing it? But..."

Corporal Bill got to his feet and rubbed his temples. He felt a headache coming along.

"Just don't ask questions or try to make any sense of this, son. You won't find either of what you're looking for."

They all followed him out of the room.

Lieutenant Sapphire led them down a pretty garden path with tiny little antelope dashing at their approach and strange little birds swooping and catching butterflies and shiny beetles in mid-flight.

"I ain't never been to Africa before," Roy marveled, gazing about him. The area was hilly, with tall grass and the odd acacia tree. Zebra grazed in the distance and small brown deer-like animals pranced about on the other side the facility's border fences.

"Are we in the heart of a nature reserve, Lieutenant?" Gallagher asked.

"No," she said, without looking at him and continuing to walk forward with long strides at a quick pace.

"They just gather to watch. You're going to look very funny in a few minutes."

Gallagher frowned and scratched his head. The corporal was right. None of this made any sense.

They went down the winding path until they came to a large section of land that looked more like a training scene. There was wire, barricades of sand-sacks, walls and trenches. They neared the training ground feeling a little more confident as this was a familiar sight.

"All right men, I'm going to give you your instructions and then you're going to arrange yourselves in that field," she said, slowing down. She stopped and looked at all of them.

"Firstly, you are going to be put under siege. If you manage to survive the mock shell fire and avoid being hit by the mock-bullets, you will face phase 2."

"What's phase 2?" Cuddly Gallagher asked.

She grinned crookedly. "It's a surprise."

"Oh," he murmured and have his fellow soldiers a worried look.

They made their way to the training grounds. As they drew closer, they discovered there were many feathers littered on the grass. The barricades of sand-sacks were in fact soft cushions, the trenches were lined with duvets, the wall was firm but made of rubber and the 'barbed wire' they would later have to crawl under was that thin wire coated in fluff (the same type used as pipe cleaners).

"This is a joke!" Cuddly Roy cried.

"It's like they don't want us to get hurt," Cuddly Maxwell added.

One of the quieter members of the platoon, Cuddly Richard, piped up for the first since they'd arrived: "Maybe that's the idea?"

They stared at him, blinking dumbly in the bright sunshine.

"Maybe he's right," Maxwell said with a shrug.

"All right men, let's get into position!" Corporal Bill cried. Everyone dashed into the trenches, or behind the barricades or wall.

"Time to sit tight," Gallagher breathed, nodding to the cuddly on his left. It was Cuddly Robert.

There was a tense silence, and then all hell broke loose.

Numerous bangs and explosions tore into the silence as objects were sent flying through the sky towards them. Gallagher was in the trenches, but now that he was in, he had the overwhelming desire to hide under one of the duvets. He looked at it longingly.

"Don't even think about it! Duvets won't protect you from shrapnel and grenades!" Robert exclaimed over the noise of gun fire. He curled up in the trench and put his hands around his ears.

"I hope we'll last in here...maybe we should've gone behind the barricades," Gallagher said nervously. He fingered his gun and suddenly a thought struck him.

"Is this thing loaded?!" he cried. He stared at it. "I think it is! Who loaded it? Are these blanks or the same ammo we were carrying two days ago in Iraq?"

Robert looked at him, his eyes wide. "Oh no..."

"You're darn right 'oh no'!!! What am I supposed to do with this in this sort of training?"

It was then Gallagher noticed Robert's gaze was in fact going past him. He turned around to see a grenade sitting on the edge of their trench, a mere two meters away. It hadn't gone off, but it was hissing threateningly.

"Move move move!! What're you waiting for?!" Gallagher cried and hustled his friend into action. They scurried down the trench, tripping on the duvets and blankets. Gallagher felt his legs get caught in the mangle of fabric and he tripped and fell, just as the grenade went off.

Certain he was a goner, he squeezed his eyes shut and buried his head in the duvet-covered ground.

There was a loud bang....and then nothing. After an unsettling moment, he lifted his head up to see flakes of white stuff floating about him like little clouds.

"Am I in heaven?"

"Well if you are, so am I," Robert said in front of him. Gallagher sat up and caught one of the flakes, only to find that it was a little bundle of fluff. It was in fact raining fluff.

"What happened to the grenade?" he gasped, looking around for any signs of shrapnel or scorch marks. All he saw was fluff and feathers dancing down towards him.

"I think that WAS the grenade," said Robert. Gallagher stared at him incredulously.

Meanwhile, Cuddly Jake, Corporal Bill and Cuddly Richard were all huddled together behind the barricade of cushions.

The barricade was being pelted by bullets, and Corporal Bill was desperately trying to figure out why the cushions weren't being penetrated.

"Technically, we should all be dead now," Corporal Bill stated loudly. "These pillows must be reinforced with some strong material...something new and-- Jake! Stop trying to catch a snooze! This is meant to be a battle scene!"

Cuddly Jake had found a loose pillow in the barricade and, since he felt he wasn't in any real danger, he deiced to rest away his jet lag.

"Aw come on, Corporal! What's a 'lil old ear plug gonna do?"

Corporal Bill frowned.

"Ear plug?"

Jake was lying on his stomach and he propped his head up with his arms.

"Well, yeah! Have you had a good look at the bullets that have been passing us?"

The Corporal and Cuddly Richard had a look at the ground around them. Indeed it was littered with little yellow ear plugs.

"Gosh! It's true!" Richard exclaimed. He picked one up, and then quickly dropped it.

"Are they used?" he asked Jake.

Jake shrugged.

"Don't think so."

Corporal Bill planted his fists firmly on his hips and stood up.

"Well this is plain absurd!" he said angrily, as the volley of ear plugs bounced harmlessly of his helmet and uniform.

Not far off, crouched behind the rubber wall, was Cuddly Maxwell, Cuddly Roy and several others.

They had just made the same discovery. However, before any of them could properly react, a shell landed right behind them and exploded. The next thing they new, they were covered in flour.

"What in the name of my aunt Susan is going on here?!" Cuddly Roy roared.

Cuddly John, who was originally a black man, spat out bits of flour. "Man, first feathers, then fluff, then ear plugs and now flour? What's next?"

There was a series of noises that all the cuddlies recognized as....

"MORTARS!!!" someone yelled in the distance.

Cuddly Maxwell glared at Cuddly John. "You had to ask, didn't ya?"

They all squashed themselves up against the wall and watched as the mortar shells landed about them. It didn't come as much of a surprise to see the shells were in fact oval shaped fluffy cushions of various colours. The occasional stuffed toy landed about them every now and then. Finally, the rain of soft, fluffy things stopped.

An eerie silence settled over them all.

"Is it over?" Cuddly Roy asked hopefully.

"I...I hope so...I have an allergy to fluff--achooo!" Cuddly Simon sneezed.

No one cared about Simon's allergy, so they all flopped to the ground with weary sighs and headaches caused by the noise and confusion.

There was a far off rumble.

* * *

"Either my head's still pounding, or I heard some thunder in the distance," Gallagher commented as he sat up in the trench.

Robert looked up at the sky. "I don't see any storm clouds."

Another rumble. This time they could define it as being closer and definitely not thunder.

"That sounds like a drum to me!" Gallagher declared, looking a little nervous.

"Must be Phase 2...the 'surprise' we've all been looking forward to," Robert sighed, his eyes bright with a strange kind of fear. He wasn't fearing for his life, he just had the feeling that something very unpleasant was about to happen.

A voice came over the loud speaker across the field. It was Lieutenant Sapphire's.

"Cuddlies! Brace yourself for the second and last phase of today's training!"

The two cuddlies exchanged glances.

Another rumble and they were sure it was the sound of drums. A low murmur of noise grew and grew until it was obvious a large crowd of yelling people were approaching them.

"Are these things loaded?" Robert asked, eyeing his gun worriedly. Gallagher took the initiative to fire a shot into the sky.

He turned back to Robert with a sarcastic _expression on his face. "Yeah they're loaded....with ear plugs."

"Dang..."

They crawled up a little bit and peered over the edge of the trench. To their dismay and slight horror, there was a crowd of females and one or two males running with arms outstretched towards them.

"Well, this time we both know what's coming... Do we fire at them?" Robert asked.

"What's the point? Ear plugs ain't gonna stop them," Gallagher sighed.

Robert bit his lower lip thoughtfully.

"They might." He stood right up.

"What're ya doin'? You're gonna give away our position!" Gallagher hissed.

"Just hang on there, fella. I think I got an idea."

Gallagher slapped a hand across his forehead.

"Robert, when you 'think' you have an idea, that isn't a very encouraging sign..."

Robert ignored him and took aim.

"I'm warning you! Back down or I'm gonna fire!"

The crowds didn't even hesitate and continued sprinting towards him.

"LAST CHANCE!" he screamed in warning.

Still no reaction. He opened fire.

The runners stopped, startled, as they were hit by numerous little ear plugs. Some got them in their mouths and eyes, others got them in their hair and down their shirts and for the less dressed of the women, a few ear plugs wedged themselves in their belly button.

While they were still and surprised, Robert called out: "You'd better not take any more steps further, or I'll get the whole platoon to fire! And yes, they're USED!!"

The trick would have worked, the people would have backed away disgusted, had Cuddly Richard not laughed out loud in the background at the discovery that Robert had the same thought as he did about the earplugs. For a quiet cuddly, he was a nuisance when he did speak. The moment was spoilt and the people knew they were being conned. With a collective cry, they continued their charge.

"Stupid Richard!" Robert growled as he leapt over the wall of the trench and made a run for it.

"Hey wait for meeeee!" Gallagher called after him and he too got up and ran.

When they got to the wall, they found the entire platoon to be gathered there.

"Corporal! What are we gonna do?" Gallagher panted.

"The only thing we can do, boys. Stand our ground and fight."

"But we can't hurt them! They're just unarmed, overly friendly civilians who love our guts! How do we counterattack something like that without hurting anyone's feelings and upsetting them?" Cuddly Maxwell asked.

Corporal Bill could see the point in his argument. Technically, the crowd was meant to represent journalists and other non-aggressive people. It was a delicate situation. He realised he didn't have much time to think of anything.

"Well then, I guess we'll just have to take it this time until we can think of something."

The cuddlies didn't have any time to protest to this conclusion as at that moment the crowd smashed into the rubber wall. The cuddlies stumbled backwards as it came crashing down and the people lunged at them....

It was not a pretty sight. The former soldiers were bowled over with such force that they let out yelps of surprise. They were getting hugged from all directions. Sometimes one cuddly was receiving cuddles from three or four people. Occasionally the people fought over them and started hitting each other with the stuffed toys and pillows that littered the training field, and the cuddly was able to escape for a bit. However, they were soon consumed my many overzealous huggers. They tried as best as they could to gently push the people away, or kindly ask them to leave them alone, but to no avail. Eventually, when it looked like they could take no more, Lieutenant Sapphire decided to round up the huggers and let the cuddlies alone.

"Drop team deploy!" she yelled. Suddenly helicopters flew overhead and teams of men wearing spiky, hard and very un-cuddly armour dropped onto the ground and grabbed a hold of the crowd, forcing them back and herding them away from the exhausted and over-loved soldiers.

When the last hugger was taken off the field, the cuddlies were finally able to relax. Many crumbled to the floor panting, holding their sides. Others rubbed their waists and shoulders, usually those victim to strong cuddlers. Cuddly Simon even hacked up a fluff ball.

"Holy cow! That was awful," Cuddly Maxwell said miserably. They all nodded somberly in agreement.

"I'm glad they called in that special team. I don't think I could have hung on much longer."

"They're called the Spike Squad," a female voice stated coldly. They all looked up to see Lieutenant Sapphire looming over them.

She offered a hand to Simon. He took it and got shakily to his feet.

"You didn't do very well on your first day of training," she said. "But that was to be expected. At least now you've had a taste of what this camp is about. By the end of this course, you'll be able to take any amount of cuddles and hugs with ease. And in moments when you really can't afford to hang around for a hug, you'll be able to defend yourselves."

They all looked at one another with one shared, weary _expression.

"Looking forward to it," Cuddly Jake muttered sarcastically.

"I'll bet," she said icily. She led them back to their quarters in silence.

* * *

That evening, after they'd all had a good meal and a nice, long shower, the cuddlies got into their pajamas. They were custom made PJs, each with their name written across the chest part in their favourite colour. The pajamas were otherwise white with soft blue sleeves.

"Geez, Roy! I didn't know your favourite colour was pink!" Robert laughed.

Roy glared at him. "It was a mistake! It's meant to be red, but it obviously didn't turn out that way."

"Yeah, suuuure. I believe you," he replied, then chortled loudly.

The Corporal walked in, dressed in his PJs and drying his hair with a towel.

"Well, boys, today's training was rough, I'll vouch for that. But you all realize that we haven't seen the worst of it yet. I reckon we get an early night's sleep so we'll be alert and ready for anything they might throw at us tomorrow...stuffed toys or otherwise."

There was a murmur of agreement.

Cuddly Jake made to get into bed, when he realized he'd have to move all his stuffed toys off to get under his blanket. He paused for a bit, and then took off several of his toys, leaving a few of his favourites on the bed. He crawled in and took the softest teddy bear he had in his arms. He let out a long sigh and let his head roll over to the right. He watched as Gallagher slipped into bed, letting all his stuffed toys roll cruelly off and fall to the ground. Except for one.

"There's that lion!" he exclaimed.

Gallagher shot him a baleful look and clutched it tightly.

"Yeah? So? It's my lion! Mine alone!"

This caught the attention of all the other cuddlies in the room.

"Aw come now, Gallagher! Ain't ya gonna share just once? I'll trade you for this here blue puppy dog. Made of the best quality material and really soft!" Maxwell offered.

"No! Now lay off, will ya?" Gallagher huffed, feeling flustered.

"It's not fair that you get a lion and we don't," Jake proclaimed.

"Now now, boys! Let's not fight about this! I'm sure this place is plenty-stocked with all kinds of stuffed toys. We can find you lions tomorrow," Corporal Bill said, his voice heavy with authority. He always spoke like this when his platoon got a bit rowdy and agitated.

The argument ended there and Corporal Bill switched off the lights. Everyone twisted and turned in their beds, trying to get comfortable for the first few minutes. The occasional soft thud of a toy as it rolled or was kicked off the bed was heard. Then it grew quiet, and gentle snores followed shortly after.

Gallagher was still awake, his eyes narrow and shifty as he gripped his lion. While he guessed everyone was too tired to try anything tonight, he was certain of one thing: his lion was going to be the object of everyone's desire while he stayed in this crazy place known as Camp Cuddly.