1.April.06

The Beast Wars Talent Show

By: Ashana

Written for fun, based on a daydream I had during geometry. I do not own Beast Wars; Hasbro does. For now, at least (Maha!)

Thank you Tim for beta reading for me! <3!

)()()()(

            "No." He whispered.

            "Yes." She insisted.

            "Never!" He shouted.

            "You don't have a choice." She reminded.

            The bot sunk down, dejected. "Alright."

            "Wonderful." A silver smile lit up the office. "Here are your orders." An envelope was passed, and then there was nothing more.

            At least, nothing more that was interesting. Unless you count Primal fainting at the site of the letter heading.

                             "THE ANNUAL BEAST WARS TALENT SHOW!"

~*~

            The auditorium was filled with chatter. Beast Warriors not in the show were spotted about among human authors and artists and fans in general, who were talking just as much as the transformers.

            A hush fell over the audience as the lights flashed once, twice, three times then dimmed. The red curtains along the front of the stage parted momentarily, and the spotlight flicked on, revealing Terrorsaur and Scorponok, both wearing black bow-ties and large, fake smiles.

            "Welcome to the Annual Beast Wars Talent show!" Scorponok introduced, flinging his arms wide and smacking Terrorsaur in the face by accident. "Heh, oops," despite the apology, he was smirking.

            "Ahem," Terrorsaur gave him an impatient look, "Yes, welcome! We have several acts tonight that you are sure to enjoy! The last of which will be ME! I will finally take my rightful place as leader of the Predacons!" He flung his wings wide and cackled with his partner.

            A moment later he and Scorponok disappeared through the trap door that had conveniently opened, leaving only a bow tie on the floor. A femme with pink and green armor, dashed on stage, grabbed the bowtie and fit it around her neck quickly.

            "Sorry 'bout that, folks. Turns out Scorponok can tie a good knot!" She picked a piece of rope off of her shoulder. Flexing her pink butterfly wings, she looked about the crowded auditorium. "Ahem, yes, I’m Glitter, your host! Lets move onto our first act! Please welcome Cheetor and Tigatron doing their rendition of 'Down to the River to Pray'." She backed off the stage as a confused applause filled the space.

            The curtains opened, revealing Cheetor and Tigatron, each draped with white and purple gauzy cloth in the form of a dress. A soft music began, echoing about the stunned audience.

As i went down to the river to pray

Studyin about that good ol' way

And who shall wear the starry crown?

Good Lord show me the way!

O brothers let's go down

Lets go down, Come on down

O brothers lets go down

Down in the river to pray

            Cheetor and Tigatron moved in sync, raising their arms above their heads and making as though they were placing crowns on their brows. They moved gracefully about, twirling and motioning for each other to follow. The crowd was quiet, either trying not to laugh, or too stunned to do anything but stare.

            With a loud bang, Cheetor found the unlatched trap door and disappeared. Tigatron, who had been in mid jump and waiting for 'little cat' to catch him, followed, to much cheering and jubilation. A black bot from the technical crew ran out to much applause and secured the trap door before running back off. Glitter, slightly abashed, came back on.

            “Er, lets give those two a hand!” She tucked her notes beneath her arm and hesitantly clapped. Other followed her lead and a smattering of applause barely reached the ears of the two cats, now being taken to the nearest hospital on a stretcher. “Ahem, lets move onto our next act!” The femme said with a flourish. “Please welcome Optimus and his assistant, Airazor! They will be...baking...” She hurried off stage.

            The curtains opened again, revealing a roll-on stove, a tiny fridge and a table. Optimus and Airazor were standing behind the table, wearing chef hats and aprons. In front of them was a large bowl and a pile of bananas so large it was nearly making the table bend. They smiled nervously and Optimus cleared his throat.

            “Today we will be making banana cream pie!” He announced, and the audience groaned at the pun. He snorted. “Would you rather I demonstrate my lecturing technique?” Like a tidal wave, the audience burst into loud applause, and the ape grinned. “That’s better! Now, if my lovely assistant will pass me the dough...”

            Airazor glared at him, but shoved a blue bowl of dough into his hands. He gave her a pained grin. “Why thank you,” he took the dough and began to stretch it. “Now we put this in the pan,” he pulled a silver pan out of nowhere and lined it with the dough. He placed the bowl under the table and held out his hand. “The filling, if you will, my dear.” The femme looked ready to strangle him, but handed over the bowl of yellow banana cream. “Now, after you bake the crust,” he went to the over and pulled out an already baked pie crust, “you add the filling!” He scraped the filling into the pie and then moved towards the fridge. “Now you just put it in here and let it chill!” He pulled out a cold one. “And that’s how you make Banana Cream Pie,” He handed it to Airazor. “Take a taste, my lovely assistant.”

            Tigatron, wrapped in bandages and limping with a cast on his left leg, limped onto the stage, took the pie and slammed it in Primal’s face. Airazor took his arm around her shoulder and helped him limp off of the stage, smirking. The curtains pulled shut on the startled ape, and the audience broke into applause.

            Glitter appeared, holding a piece of the pie in one hand, smacking her lips. “Nice recipe for disaster Primal.” She grinned at the audience. “Next up is Waspinator, who will be...rapping...” Glitter shook her head and hurried off stage as she and most of the audience plugged their audios.

            Waspinator appeared, wearing huge tennis shoes, a puffy hoodie and a large Bling necklace shaped like the golden disk. He gave the audience a ‘peace’ sign as the music started.

            “Zzzzzzup foolzzzzz?” He said, eyeing the audience and twitching his antenna. “Wazzzpinator here to layzzz it down flat!”

            A funky beat began to echo around the room. The wasp bobbed his head with it and held a microphone up to his mouth.

            “Wazzzpinator izz a teapot! Zzzzzzzort and zzzzzzztout! Here izzzzz Wazzpinatorzzzz handle! Here izzzzzzz hizzzz zzzzzpout!” He moved his arms to make a teapot handle and spout. “When he getzzzzz all zzzzteamed up, hear him zzzzzzout! Tipzzzzz Wazzzzpinator over and pourzzzz him out!” The wanna-be rapper pulled a pose, grinning confidently. Half of the audience was in stasis lock. He strode off of the stage, grinning proudly.

            Glitter appeared, pulling plugs out of her audios. She gave the audience a pained smile and shook her head. “There are medics waiting outside for those who have been,” she paused, looking for the right word, “afflicted by the last act.” Several people got up, bearing their friends out through the doors. “Alright, next up is—”

            The audience jumped as something exploded. A dark grey white smoke rolled across the stage and Glitter took to the air. She shot backstage and then, just like a boomerang, she shot back. Rhinox and Turantulas came after her, screaming at the top of their lungs, covered in some strange kind of goop. After them came a large slop blob of green slim with eyeballs and a big mouth. A black techie ran out on stage, unlatched the trap door and ran back. The slime monster promptly disappeared, leaving behind only a slick trail as a memoir.

            Glitter appeared, panting. “Thank you very much, Lightz.” She said. “Um, there has been a change in tonight’s program. Rhinox and Tarantulas will no longer be performing. Instead, our next act will be Silverbolt and Blackarachnia. They will be performing a poem together.”

            The curtain opened, revealing a wooden balcony attached to a tower, upon which stood Blackarachnia, a wreath of flowers on her head. Silverbolt stood at the bottom of the tower, a poofy hat with a large sweeping plume in it. He smiled up at his lover and took off his hat and gave her a sweeping bow.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,”

            He looked up at the tower and blinked; Blackarachnia was gone. A hand tapped him on the shoulder, he turned, sweeping her up into his arms.

“I shall but love thee better after death.”

            A large chorus of ‘Awwwwwwww’ welled up in the audience as the two kissed passionately. The touching moment was short lived, however, as two bots appeared, ‘PDA PATROL’ stamped on their chests.

            “PDA Alert.” One said in a flat voice, wheeling forward and grabbing Silverbolt. The other copied its partner and grabbed Blackarachnia. They wheeled off the stage, Silverbolt confused, his lover spitting venom at her captor.

            Glitter appeared, rubbing forehead. She sighed into her mike. “Alright, lets give them a hand. Beautiful recitation, Silverbolt. Gorgeous, really.” The audience gave a slight applause for the two bots. “Wonderful. Now we have Megatron and Inferno singing a song for us.” She backed off of the stage, clapping.

            The curtains opened on Megatron and Inferno, who was dressed as a large rubber duck. A happy-go-lucky tune started and the bots began to bob up and down. Megatron broke out in a deep bass tone voice:

Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bath time lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;

Woo woo be doo

Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Ducky, you're my very best friend, it's true!

Doo doo doo doo, doo doo!

            Megatron squeezed Inferno, who, surprisingly squeaked at him. They danced in a circle and the tyrant began to sing again:

Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby

Rub-a-dub-a-dubby!

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you.

Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby

            They began to do something that closely resembled the hokey-pokey as the song began to wind down:

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber ducky, I'd like a whole pond of -
Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you!

Doo doo, be doooooooooooo!

            The fire sprinklers over the stage went off, soaking the two to the bone. They shuffled off to amazed applause as Lightz came back on and tried to shut off the water.

            Glitter appeared as soon as the water had stopped, smirking and tucking a camera into her subspace. “Well now, wasn’t that a treat? Lets give them another round of applause! Well, we’re down to our last act! And for the finale we have Rampage demonstrating various defensive maneuvers on...Depth Charge...”

            A mere twenty seconds later, people outside of the theater stopped to watch as the new Mega Beastwars Theater of the Arts exploded.

            Glitter stumbled onto the half-baked stage, dazed. “And that’s our show...thank you for coming...tip your waiter...” She fell over, landing on top of the stasis-locked Rampage and Depth Charge.

            And the curtains fell.

Fin