Beast Wars Meets Martha Stewart
By: Miss Special
Author's note: I wrote this mostly for my benefit. I think it's funny, and I hope you do too, but if you don't, find something that is funny, and laugh at it. Laughter is good.
Also, don't depend on any of the recipes in this. I don’t really know what creme freshe is, and I’m making some of them up as I go.
Disclaimer: Martha Stewart is property of Martha Stewart, at least as I write this, and the same goes for Christopher Walken *shudder* Is anyone else scared of Christopher Walken? I think he’s creepy incarnate.
Optimus is sitting at his computer, playing a game that is actually a ripped-off version of Tetris. Since he's on level 11, he frantically pushes buttons, trying to get the high score. Rattrap walks in, which makes Optimus look up from his game, so he loses.
Optimus: Slag!! Rattrap, what do you want?
Rattrap: Dere's a funky storm brewin' outside. Rhinox says it might be the same kind of storm dat sent me an' Cheetor to that wacko Dungeons and Dragons place. You're needed in da control room.
Optimus: *sigh* Fine. I'll be out in a moment.
Rattrap leaves. Optimus goes back to his game, ignoring the fact that a swirly blue-purple portal has opened up behind him. It begins to suck him in, and by the time he realizes what's going on, it's too late. The portal closes behind him.
Optimus is lying facedown on a lawn in front of a white house.
Someone: Hey! Get off the lawn!
Optimus sits up and looks around. A human is staring at him.
Human: Don't you know whose house this is? This is Turkey Hill, home of Martha Stewart! (Optimus looks confused) Oh, whatever! Say, would you like to be a guest on her show? One of the other guests cancelled at the last minute, so all we have is Christopher Walken. *shudder*
Optimus: Sure?
Human: Great! I'll take you to the studio!
Later, at Martha Stewart's studio...
Martha: Today we have a special guest cook, Optimus Primal. What are we making, Optimus?
Optimus: (peeling bananas) We're making bananas! (holds a banana up to Martha)
Martha: Oh, I love bananas. Sometimes I use them to make banana ice cream. To make banana ice cream, you need fifty bananas, preferably peeled and chopped, cream, milk, sugar, vanilla, salt, and ice. I like to get my bananas from a quaint little pathside shop in the middle of Tahiti. The people at that shop are so friendly!
Optimus: Well, all the bananas are peeled.
Martha: And here are all the other ingredients. Now, prepare your ingredients, like so... (note from Miss Special: come on! I'm not gonna write down the entire recipe for ice cream!) And then put them in this authentic antique ice cream maker. Put the ice and salt around the ice cream and turn the crank 5,000 times. Then you'll have homemade banana ice cream! It's a good thing.
Optimus: Couldn't we have just gotten some from the store? (Martha glares at Optimus)
Commercials!!!:
Some Guy: Miss Special's having a special on Smacks Upside the Head! Get yours now for only five dollars a smack! *THWACK!!* Ow! That hurt!
Miss Special: Get yours while the gettin's good!
Martha: Welcome back. Since our guest today's a Transformer, we're going to look at a collection of Beast Wars toys. Optimus, can you tell me who this is? (She picks up a bat toy)
Optimus: (looks it over carefully) Nope. Who is it?
Martha: (blank stare) (whispers) But you're supposed to be the expert!
Rattrap: Dat's da original Optimus Primal. And dat (points to alligator) is da original Megatron.
Optimus: Rattrap? How'd you get here?
Miss Special: (off camera) Well, I HAD to bring in someone who knew SOMETHING!
Martha: Well, Rattrap, can you tell me what this is? (gestures to pieces of something)
Rattrap: (looks carefully) I think that's pieces of Inferno.
Martha: And since he's in pieces, the value's gone down. Is this part of your collection, Rattrap?
Rattrap: I have a collection?
Martha: Optimus? Is it yours?
Optimus: I was originally a bat?
Martha: Whose Inferno is this?
Miss Special: Shut up!!!
Martha: Let's move on to the next segment.... Banana Cream Pie.
Optimus: Yay, bananas!
Martha: Okay, for banana cream pie, we need the same bananas as we used earlier (the ones from Tahiti, remember?), creme freshe-
Optimus: What?
Martha: Creme freshe is a whipped-cream like thing only I know how and where to get.
Optimus: Oh.
Martha: We also need a pie crust- I've already made it. Oh, and we need parchment paper. Rattrap, will you get the parchment paper?
Rattrap: Where is it?
Martha: In that closet on the right.
Rattrap walks into the closet.
Martha: The third shelf on the left.
Rattrap looks for the third shelf on the left... but the room's so huge, he loses track of which shelf, and where the door is.
Martha: While we're waiting for him, Optimus, let's chop up the bananas. Ah, these bananas are so nice and soft and ripe (note from Miss Special: Yuck! I hate bananas!).
Optimus: (eating a banana) Yesh dey are!
Miss Special: EEW!! I'm never writing about bananas again!
Martha: Now that the bananas are chopped, stir them into a bucket of creme freshe, like this, being careful not to smash the banana bits. Put the creme freshe banana mix into the pie crust, which should be in a pie tin. Put the pie onto a baking sheet covered in parchment paper... where is Rattrap?
Rattrap: Hello? Can anyone hear me? (No, Rattrap, no one can hear you. You're lost in Martha Stewart's parchment paper closet.)
Martha: Oh, well. I'll line the sheet with one of my $500 reusable Silpat (TM) sheets, but you at home can use parchment paper.
Miss Special: Or tinfoil! It's cheaper AND easier!
Martha: Who're you?
Miss Special: No I'm not! (disappears)
Martha: Place the sheet with the pie on it in a preheated oven, preferably a nice, big, industrial-sized one, like I have. (pulls out a finished pie) In about ten hours or so, you'll have a lovely banana cream pie.
Optimus: Which you could've bought already made at the store for five dollars cheaper!
Martha glares at Optimus, but gets over it.
Martha and Optimus eat a slice of pie.
Rattrap: I’m so lonely...
Gardening with Martha!
Martha: Today we have Academy Award winner Christopher Walken here to show us some of his favorite plants. Optimus Primal is also here for commentary.
Christopher Walken: Hello.
Miss Special screams, runs, and hides in a bush
Christopher Walken: Who was that? (Martha and Optimus shrug and suppress a shudder)
Martha: So, Christopher, I see you have some lovely wisteria here.
Christopher: Yes, I love wisteria. I also have some gardenias here. Hey, where’d my snapdragons go?
Miss Special is still hiding, however she is playing with Christopher Walken’s snapdragons.
Martha: Optimus, what is your favorite plant?
Optimus: The one that attacked Dinobot that one time... Haha, that was funny.
Martha: Who?
Optimus: Never mind.
Christopher: I’m creepy. (is glad he got the attention back onto himself) Anyways, here is my prized antique rose.
Martha: I love roses. (gestures to absurdly large and extensive collection of roses) Well, thank you, Christopher and Optimus for coming here today. And to those of you at home, remember: It’s a good thing.
Right after the cameras stop rolling, a swirly blue-purple portal opens up, sucks Optimus in, and re-deposits him in his chair back on the Axalon. He looks at his computer screen to see GAME OVER flashing over and over, as it’s been doing for the last five hours.
Optimus decides to stop playing his Tetris ripoff for awhile, and to give the base a few homey touches, and then to bake a banana cream pie. Unfortunately, he can’t find creme freshe anywhere, so he gives up on the idea and goes back to the Tetris ripoff, and all is right with the world.
Except...
Rattrap: I wonda what da sun looks like. It’s been so long since I’ve seen it... Do ya know, Sven?
Since Sven is a roll of parchment paper, it doesn’t answer.
Rattrap: Thought so.
THE END