Beast Wars Anonymous:

Beast Wars and all related belong to Hasbro. The story, its original contents and ideas, and any original characters belong to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without the author's permission.

Author's Note: Don't ask what possessed me to do this, it just happened. I hope none of you take offense.

The Primals
by Larry Bignell (vorann@hotmail.com)

TITLE CREDITS

V/O: (dreamy) The Primals!

CUT TO Fly over planet. THE PRIMALS. We arrive at a learning centre. Cheetor is writing something on a computer monitor. A bell goes, he smiles and transforms into a transmetal beast jet mode, blasting home.

CUT TO a power plant. Optimus Primal is dealing with some dangerous chemicals, a klaxon goes and he rips off his hood, flipping the toxic rod in the air which lands in his fur. Megatron and Scorponok are in the background looking at plans.

CUT TO the cargo hold. Airazor is gathering food with Rattrap is a shopping cart. She turns around the price is tallied, and realizes that Rattrap is in a bag. She signs with relief and pushes off.

CUT TO a music hall. Blackarachnia is playing a saxophone shaped eerily like one of Tarantulas' legs. The music hall master, who resembles Jazz, sends her playing out of the room.

CUT TO Optimus finding the rod and throwing it away, following shot to Cheetor flying through the forest, knocking down various extra characters. Follow as small shuttle flies past him. Inside we see Rattrap. He appears to be flying the shuttle on his own, but we realize that it is actually Airazor.

CUT TO everyone arriving at the Axalon . Optimus parks his shuttle, followed by Blackarachnia on a flying board, then Cheetor and finally Airazor. She nearly runs over Optimus as he runs through the shuttlebay door to safety.

CUT TO the briefing room, Optimus Prime and Starscream are sitting on the sofa. Airazor shoots Starscream who vaporizes, Optimus hits OP and kills him, taking the Matrix for himself.

END TITLE

SCENE 1 The Axalon. Airazor, Optimus, Blackarachnia and Rattrap are sitting in the mess hall. Cheetor walks in. Optimus is gorging himself on food.

Airazor: Hmm. Optimus, did you remember to put out the garbage?

Optimus: (From head) Uh, oh! Didn't put out the garbage. Think fast.

Optimus: Oh, honey, I always put out the garbage. (Quickly) Ask the boy!

Cheetor: (Defensively) Hey, I always do the garbage. Ask Blackarachnia, she never does anything.

Blackarachnia: Ah! the lamentation of the undesireable lazy worker. Oh! for the days when I shall rule!

Airazor: Hmm. Blackarachnia, sometimes you sound too evil for your own good.

A horn sounds outside.

Airazor: There's the shuttle. Do you have your lunches?

Kids: Yeah. (They grab their snacks, conveniently placed near the front door. They go out. In the shutle's pilot chair is Quickstrike.)

Cheetor: Hey fuze-dude!

Quickstrike: Hey cat-bot buddy. Let's go, pardners!

The shuttle accelerates much too quickly for our liking into the distance, knocking Tigatron to the ground.

CUT TO Kitchen again.

Tigatron: (in the window) Hi-dily-ho, neighbour!

Optimus: Doh! What do you want, Tigatron? (he sees some cakes on the table) Mmm! Squidgy cakes! (he guzzles them)

Tigatron: Just coming to see what that scrumdiddlyumptious smell was. Oh! Airazor.

Airazor: (giggling) Oh, Tigatron!

Optimus: (getting up) Well, I think I'll be off to work. (He transforms into a squirrel) Doh! (he scurries away)

SCENE 2 The Predacon ship. CUT TO the engine control room. Optimus is sleeping, finally in beats mode, with his feet on the console. As the camera pulls back we realise we are seeing this through the security board in Megatron's office. He is smiling cruelly.

Megatron: Scorponok! Who's that man?

Scorponok: That's Optimus Primal, sir. One of your drones from Sector 7-G.

Megatron: Primal, eh? I'll remember that name! (looks at Scorponok in confusion ) Just who is he again?

Scorponok: He foils your evil plans every week, sir.

Megatron: (looking confused) Don't remember him.

Scorponok: He nearly killed you, sir.

We see that Megatron still has no recollection

Scorponok: You nibbled his leg, sir.

Megatron: Ah, yes, that Optimus Primal, excellent, yesss! I'll surely remember him in future.

CUT TO Optimus in his room. He is holding a box of various iced bananas. He hold each one for a second then eats them.

Optimus: Ooh! Strawberry! Mmm Chocolate. Ugh! Plain.

Silverbolt and Wolfang look through the door.

Silverbolt: Hey, Optimus! You got the bananas again!

Optimus: (trying to act quickly) No! (he looks around, there is no escape. He screams)

Wolfang: Hey, Optimus, there's no bother. Just wanted to know where they got to.

Silverbolt: Yeah. We'll see you at Dino's tonight, right?

Optimus: Most certainly, gentlemen.

SCENE 3 Dinobot's watering hole. As we enter, we see a fat, drunkard, Rhinox, delving into another pint of energon beer. Silverbolt and Wolfang are already there, gulping their own pints. Dinobot it serving them with snacks. There are various generic Predacons enjoying their beverages in the background. Optimus enters, sits down at a stool.

Dinobot: Hey, Optimus. Whats can I gets yez?

Optimus: A dee-liss-ious pint of your wonderful Fudd Energon-beer.

Rhinox: (exceedingly drunk) Hi, Optimus! (burps)

There is a phone call. Dinobot answers.

Dinobot: Dino's bar. Where every night is a happy night.

Voice: (Cheetor's) Excuse me, I'm looking for a bot. Last name Tass, first name Tigh?

Dinobot: Let me just check. (shouts) Tigh Tass? Is there a Tigh Tass here? Hey, guys listen, does anyone know how I can get hold of a Tigh Tass?

Rhinox: (Laughing) Try mine. I've been working out!

The other 'bots roar with laughter.

Dinobot: (catching on) Why you little-If I ever find out who you are...

CUT TO Cheetor laughing. He replaces comm-unit and settles down with Blackarachnia and Rattrap to watch the monitor. On it is the " Waspinator the Clown show"

Waspinator: Hey, hey Kidz! It'z time for the Inferno and Wheelie show! Hey, hey-urgh! (he takes a puff of a cigarette)

The monitor changes to the Inferno and Wheelie Show. The credits roll. We see the show's title as being "Burns Wards: Skingrafters". The show commences with Wheelie at home drinking a glass of water. A hand, Inferno's, grabs the water and replaces it with gasoline. Wheelie drinks it, Inferno jumps in, screams and torches Wheelie, who runs screaming down the road. We cut to a hospital, where the doctors are about to perform surgery. Inferno reveals himsefl as the chief doctor and Wheelie is burned to a chargrilled steak. The other doctors laugh and enjoy the free food. Wheelie's skull rolls off the operating table. Credits roll

CUT TO the studio, pans of generic Predacons and Maximals all going wild at the sight of Wheelie getting toasted

The Primal children are rocking with laughter. Airazor comes in

Airazor: (in horror) My goodness! I'm not sure this kind of thing should be viewed by children.

Cheetor: Oh, mom, the guides are only there to make pathetic children not want to watch.

Optimus: (coming in) Oh, Airazor, stop making waves. Let the boy watch what he wants.

Cheetor: (punching the air) Oh right! Thanks Optimus!

Optimus: (patting his butt) Has anyone seen my wallet?

Cheetor: (whipping it out of his hip compartment) Right here, dad!

Optimus: (angrily) Why you little- (He grabs Cheetor by the throat and squeezes)

Cheetor: I-love you-dad.

Optimus: (letting go) Oh, that always works. (Cheetor drops to the floor with a yelp)

Knock at the door. Optimus goes and opens it. It is Cheetor's best friend, Armordillo. He can be described as a geek due to the enormous thickness of his spectacles

Armordillo: H-hey, Cheetor.

Airazor: Oh, Armordillo, come in. I've made some energon goodies. ( She promptly conjours a tray of glowing goodies from nowhere and hands the plate to Armordillo. Optimus wiggles his fingers with delight and begins to eat them.) Optimus! Those were for Armordillo! Go away!

Optimus: Doh!

SCENE 4 the following day. Optimus is in his little room on the Predacon ship. Suddenly there is a voice-over

Scorponok: Optimus Primal report to Mr Megatron's office immediately.

Optimus: Doh!

CUT TO inside Megatron's office. Megatron is sitting in his massive command chair, Scorponok is standing behind him. A golden disk the size of a small car is above a portrait of Megatron as he used to look without the tyrannosaur-head arm.

Megatron: Ah, Primal. Come in, it down.

Optimus: (very scared now) Yes, Mr Megatron, sir.

Megatron: It's come to my attention that you keep beating me every time I try and concoct an exceedingly evil plan. To this end I'm offering you the sum of one thousand human-credits to please stop foiling my evil plans. (to himself) Yesss, excellent. That'll do, yesss. (to Optimus) So, Optimus, do you agree?

Optimus: (stupidly) To what?

Megatron: (calmly, through we see him becoming agitated.) To stop making my life a living hell?

Optimus: Okay. ( he takes the cheque and leaves the office)

Megatron: (to Scorponok) Yesss, I've got him just where I want him, Scorponok. I'll bring him closer into my fold, and when the time is right... (he lifts his head-hand and bangs it on the table, teeth and wood fly everywhere) Ooh, that'll hurt when I transform.

SCENE 5 the Axalon . Everyone is in the lounge watching a vid. It is "Eye on the Mysterous Planet with Terrorsaur" an infotainment show, no one is really watching. Optimus rushes in. He looks happy, and deservedly so.

Optimus: Guess what?

Everyone: What?

Optimus: (slightly put out) No go on, guess. I got something from work.

Blackarachnia: Oh, no! Not radiation poisoning again.

Cheetor: A new hair do?

Airazor: (almost resignedly) Oh, Optimus, not a so-called golden disk made of wood again. Last time you nearly burned down the house.

Optimus: (proudly) No, Airazor. This time it's a cheque for one thousand credits!

The original Optimus Prime appears. He is old and haggard. He carries a walking stick.

Grampa Prime: That's mine. I'm old.

Cheetor: You're also dead. Hey, where'd you come from?

Grampa Prime: Weeeeeelllllllll... (he begins to speak, the others quickly turn him off by a switch we didn't know he had)

Airazor: Well, I guess we'll all live in good health from now on.

Everyone: Yeah...

The image pulls back and we realise we've been watching this via the real Cheetor's monitor on the real Axalon. He is not impressed.

Cheetor: What the slag was that?

Rattrap: I have no idea. Hey, you were lucky, you had lines, all I did was sit there and look cute.

Rhinox: Well, at least you weren't a drunk.

Airazor: (getting up) Humph. At least none of you were married to Optimus Primal. (She spits in disgust) Ick, the nerve of that writer. The state of fan fiction these days...

She storms off, muttering and slamming every door she can find.

Cheetor: Does anyone else get the impression someone out there is looking at us an laughing?

The others look into the sky. As everything turns to black, we hear...

Rattrap: That I doubt very much...