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Inferno Goes to Hollywood
by Architeuthis (aegerton@erols.com)
As everyone knows, Inferno is the only Predacon who saw Titanic. After seeing that movies, Inferno, to his fellow Preds’ amusement, became infatuated with Kate Winslet. So he went to Hollywood to get her autograph. He also made ALL the tabloids. The Hollywood police have a warrant out for his arrest, and several people videotaped him during his “visit”.
One of Inferno’s duties is to keep tabs on Tarantulas’ movements. Inferno found Tarantulas’ lair and confronted the spider, who had just built a time machine. Inferno decided to claim it for Megatron then and there:
“The Royalty will want this!”
“Oh dear, I haven’t tested it yet. There’s no guarantee it will work.”
“What do you need to do?”
“I need to transport someone in time and bring them back. It’s quite simple--assuming
everything works.”
“Send me! I want to go to Hollywood in the late 1990’s.”
“Are you sure? If it malfunctions, you’ll be stranded there.”
“You said you needed a volunteer.”
Tarantulas feigned reluctance, but inside he was glad; he could finally get rid of Megatron’s pet ant! So he sent Inferno to 1990’s Hollywood.
Upon his arrival, Inferno switched to beast mode, to reassure the locals that he came in peace. However, most humans do not find an 8-foot long fire ant “reassuring”, especially when the ant TALKS. Shortly after Inferno’s arrival (and his first attempt to ask directions to Kate Winslet’s “colony”), someone called Orkin Exterminators.
The exterminators found Inferno soon enough and began spraying insecticide all over him. Enraged, Inferno transformed and whipped out his flamethrower, crying, “Buuuurrrn, humans!”
He incinerated two of the exterminators; the third dropped his spraygun, screaming, “Don’t kill me! I surrender!”
“Good, human. I accept your surrender. Now, where do I find Kate Winslet? I wish to see her very badly.”
“KATE WINSLET?! The actress?!”
“Is there another Kate Winslet, human?”
“Not as far as I know. But...why does an ALIEN like you want to see Kate Winslet?”
“I saw her in Titanic. She was magnificent! She was glorious, radiant...Enough of this! Where do I FIND her?!”
“You gotta check the studios. They could tell you where to find her.”
“Studios? What are studios?”
“It’s where they make movies. It’s where actors work.”
“Ah. Your vehicle appears to still be functional. You will take me to these studios.”
The exterminator did not like this arrangement at all, but a glance at Inferno’s flamethrower convinced him to cooperate. So he took Inferno to the nearest studio and left him there. Inferno eventually found a secretary.
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No. My name is Inferno. I wish to see Kate Winslet.”
The office manager walked in and told the secretary: “Tell that big goon to get lost; Winslet just finished making Hideous Kinky. She’s not at any of the studios.”
“Did you hear that, Mr. uuummm Ferno?”
“I did and the name is Inferno. So she is not here. Where do I find her?”
“You really expect us to tell an obvious nutjob like you where to find somebody?! Get real and get out or I call the cops!”
“Tell me where to find her or you will BUUURRRRNNNN!”
“O.K., O.K.! Put the gun down. We’ll get you her address!”
The office manager and the secretary gave Inferno the address and Inferno continued his search for Kate Winslet. Along the way, Inferno went into Barnes and Noble to get a copy of A Night to Remember, thinking it would be a good thing for Kate Winslet to sign her autograph in; the book was about the Titanic, after all. Of course, he emptied the bookstore in the process. When Inferno reached Winslet’s “colony”, he found a welcoming committee of policemen.
“BUUURRNNNN!”
After dealing with the policemen, Inferno saw that Winslet had fled in her purple Prowler. Inferno soon spotted her, caught up with her, and landed in front of her, nearly causing her to crash into him.
“What do you WANT?!”
“Your autograph! You will sign this book, ‘To Inferno, With Love, Kate Winslet’. Please do this; I have no wish to burn you.”
“You have got a problem, but O.K., I’ll sign, if it means you will go away and stop killing everyone.”
“Oh, I will. Tarantulas has said that he would bring me home.”
“A promise he had NO intention of keeping, you gullible fool!”
“MY QUEEN!”
“’Queen’?”, Winslet wondered out loud. “He looks MALE to me.”
Megatron heard the remark.
“He has some faulty programming; I am male, and I am taking him home. Inferno, come with me, NOW!”
“Yes, my Queen. Thank you for the autograph, Kate Winslet. I will watch all your movies.”
Megatron grabbed Inferno, pulled him away from Winslet, and pulled him through the portal.
“’Faulty programming’? THAT’S got to be the understatement of the century,” Winslet decided, and headed back home.
Megatron was furious with Inferno and assigned him all kinds of punishment details. Inferno did not complain; he knew that he had grievously displeased his Queen, and, anyway, he had gotten Kate Winslet’s autograph. The other Predacons thought the whole business was hilarious and teased Inferno unmercifully. The only one who did not was Scorponok; he like Jeri Ryan and hoped to e-mail her a request for her autograph (and picture). Since he didn’t have her e-mail address, he had to hack around for it....