Beast Wars Anonymous:

Beast Wars and all related belong to Hasbro. The story, its original contents and ideas, and any original characters belong to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without the author's permission.

A Completely Pointless Story
by Echostorm (webman@ij.net)

It was a bright, sunny day in San Francisco. On a busy suburban street, a large, white house sat on a corner. The name on the mailbox said Tanner. Inside the house, the family who lived in it was having a heated argument about whether or not one of the house's residents should be aloud to wear a short skirt to a dance.

Inferno landed in a small square of grass surrounded by a fence. He looked around in confusion. He had been scouting for Maximals, and had somehow gotten lost. He was now in completely unfamiliar territory, and a fairly large creature at his feet was shouting at him.

"Woof woof!" said Comet.

"Terrorize!" said Inferno.

"Woof woof!" said Comet.

"Blam!" said Inferno's gun.

Comet said nothing. Inferno converted back to beast mode and scurried over to the door. The door wasn't automatic and didn't open when Inferno stood in front of it, so he just dug his way under. Meanwhile, the Tanners' argument was still going strong.

"Why not?" DJ demanded angrily, not taking the slightest notice of the huge fire ant on the floor behind her.

"Because I said so!" said Danny. "Now go to your room until you can be reasonable."

DJ stalked up the stairs muttering to herself. Inferno followed her, telling himself he should assess the situation in order to better serve the Royalty. He sat on the carpet in DJ's room for a while watching her pace and rant until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Inferno, TERRORIZE!" he shouted furiously. DJ stared at him with a bored expression.

"Hi, Steve," she said. Inferno scratched his head, more confused than ever. He had never heard of anyone name 'Steve' and it certainly wasn't his name.

"Who is this 'Steve'?" he asked suspiciously. DJ looked confused.

"Steve is my boyfriend. You are him, aren't you?" she asked.

Inferno shook his head. "I am Inferno, Servant of the Royalty and Defender of the Colony," he proclaimed loudly.

DJ looked hard at him. "You're an ant, right?" she asked. Inferno nodded.

"And you said you protect the colony?"

Inferno nodded.

"What if something was keeping you from doing your job? Protecting the colony, I mean."

Inferno looked at her curiously. "What kind of something?" he asked.

"Oooh, I dunno. Like a person. A tall guy with black hair."

"I would BUUUUUURRRRN him!!" Inferno waved his gun around with flame spewing from the barrel for emphasis.

DJ grinned. "Okay. There's a tall guy with black hair down there," she pointed to the stairs, "And he's an enemy of the colony."

Without saying a word, Inferno went down the stairs.

Jesse sidled in the front door. He had had a good day at the Smash Club, his restaurant. He had put so much hair spray on that morning that not a single hair had come out of place. For him, that meant a good day. He was feeling so pleased with himself that he did a few dance moves he had seen at the restaurant and ran smack into Inferno, who had been watching him quietly from a corner. Jesse looked up at him.

"Oh, hi Steve. I didn't know you were coming over today, " Jesse said, not surprised in the least.

Inferno frowned, showing his teeth. "Something's different about you, Steve," Jesse said, studying the Predacon intently. "Did you get braces?"

Inferno had been studying Jesse as well, decided that he was tall for a human and had black hair, and raised his gun. Danny walked past them and up the stairs, not taking any notice.

"My name is not...Steeeeve," he hissed, stretching out the word so it sounded like a curse. "I am Inferno, Servant of the Royalty and Protector of the Colony! And you are my enemy! Buuuurrrrnnn!!"

Inferno let let a few flames fly and turned Jesse into a pile of ash. All that remained was his hair. Inferno picked it up and looked at it with interest. He was contemplating whether or not to bring it to the Royalty so he could use it as armor when Danny came slithering back in, leaving the scent of Mr. Clean behind him. When he saw what remained of Jesse, he let out a shriek.

"Look at this mess you made, Steve!!! Do you have any idea how long it takes to get ash off of carpet?!"

Inferno let out a furious scream. "BY THE PIT!! MY NAME IS NOT STEVE!!!!! BURRRRNNN!!!" He fired his gun again. A bottle of Windex Danny had had in his back pocket clattered to the floor. A few seconds after he had finished with Danny, Joey came in through the kitchen.

"Hey, Steve. How are ya?" he asked cheerfully. "Havin' a good sailin' day? Uk uk uk uk, "he said in a Popeye voice. Inferno counted to ten to until he was calm enough to speak, then turned to Joey.

"I...Am...Not...STEVE!!!!!" he shouted. The volume of the word 'Steve' caused several windows to shatter. "I...Am...INFERNO!!!!!" The word 'Inferno' shattered a few more windows.

Joey laughed. "Hey, great Schwartzenegger, Steve! Now listen to mine!" Inferno bit Joey's head off, chewed, and spat it out under the couch. He converted back to beast mode, feeling satisfied and wandered into the kitchen. Rebecca, Jesse's wife, was serving Michelle and Jesse's twin boys sandwiches. Inferno thought the sandwiches looked like a good idea and put them in one. He sat on the floor for a while, feeling full and content until DJ came slamming into the kitchen. He ignored her for a while. She stood watching him with her hands on her hips, then gave him a hard kick. He looked furiously over at her.

"You will burn for that, " he said in a menacing tone.

"You stupid (bleeping) ant! I wanted you to get rid of my dad, not everyone! Now look what you did!"

Inferno grinned. "I have served the royalty well."

"No you haven't!" DJ shouted. She was in the process of telling Inferno where he should go and how he should get there when the real Steve walked in the front door. Needless to say, he was surprised.

"Why am I here?!" he asked DJ.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really even like you that much. I only go out with you because all the other guys think I'm too whiny."

"Well, you are pretty whiny. But why is there a double of me?" How did he get here?"

DJ sighed and started explaining. But before she was done, Inferno transformed and fried them both, having gotten tired of DJ's voice and Steve's general existence. Then, by a strange fluke of time and space, the portal opened back up. Inferno jumped back through and went home.