Beast Wars Anonymous:

A Beast Wars Christmas
by Spider Striker ( scarletspider31@hotmail.com )

"Slag! Slag! Slag!" Rhinox said as he didn't find what he was looking for.
He hit his fists on the council in frustration.

"What the matter, Big Guy," Rat Trap asked walking to the command room.

"I can't find any malfunction in Sentinel, so I don't know how the Preds managed to get past it and take over the Axalon."

"Why don't you ask Spider Striker for help," Optimus suggested.

"He really likes computers and it would be good to get him out of his quarters for a change."

Rhinox sighed and headed for Spider Striker's quarters.

Spider Striker sat at his computer table.
He was drawing something on the closest thing to paper he could find with a laser pen.
His face plate was moved away and his mouth made strange expressions.
When the door beeped, he hid the drawing under his computer and asked "Who is it?"

"Rhinox."

"Come in."

Rhinox walked and stared at Spider Striker for a second.

"What?" Spider Striker asked.

"Do I got Spinach in my teeth?"

"What? Oh, no. I've just never seen a Maximal without a mouth and I was wondering how you ate. Guess I finally found out."

"Why didn't you just ask?" Spider Striker questioned as he pressed the button and his face plate moved back into place.

"Would you ask someone that?"

"Good point. Thanks for being polite. What's up?" "Huh?"

"Why did you come here originally?"

"Optimus says you may be able to help me with a computer problem."

"Sure," Spider Striker said and he and Rhinox walked back to the command room.

Spider Striker sat at the council and typed in a few commands.
Rhinox was about to teach Spider Striker what some of the codes meant, but as he was about to Spider Striker had already looked at Sentinel's primary control file.

"How..." Rhinox started.

"The computer talks in a similar language to DOS, an old Earth computer language. That and whatever brought me here transformed all the knowledge I had on Earth computers into stuff I can use on these babies."

"But how did you know it was a problem with Sentinel?"

"You've been cursing about it all week. And you're right. I don't see a problem with Sentinel."

They searched and researched Sentinel's program, still finding nothing wrong.
Then Spider Striker got an idea.
He opened up the blueprints of the Axalon's power generator and then typed several commands.
A small device became visible on the screen.

"There's your problem," he said.

"What is it?" Optimus asked.

"What is it not," Spider Striker answered calling up the schematics for the device.

"It stops power from reaching certain systems, selected by whoever is controlling it, and gives a single that makes it look like everything is fine.
It also has a cloak that keeps it invisible to optics and scanners.
Apparently it can do a lot more than that too."

"How did you find it?" Optimus questioned

"I got the idea from an old human story, but I can't remember if it was a comic or a movie."

"How do we deactivate it?"

"I already did. The password was 'piano man'.
It was a lucky guess.
And with your permission, I'd like to return to my quarters."

Optimus nodded and Spider Striker returned to his quarters.
He pulled out the picture and continued working on it.
Airazor and Nightfox were walking down the corridor talking and laughing at the stories they told each other.
As they passed Spider Striker's quarters they heard him yell "No! That's not right either!"
They "rung the bell" and Spider Striker asked who was there.

"Airazor and Nightfox," Nightfox answered. "Can we come in?"

"Uh...I...a...sure."

The female Maximals walked in and Airazor asked "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you," Spider Striker said rubbing his smooth head.

"Why not?" Nightfox asked.

"Promise you won't get mad or tell anybody?"

"Promise," Nightfox and Airazor said in unison.

"I'm trying to draw a picture for Rat Trap's Chris...because he gave me that sweat shirt I wore for a while. In it, he's surrounded by beautiful women."

"He'll like it," Airazor said with a smile.

"Yeah, I know," Spider Striker said trying not to laugh. "The problem is I only know draw human women and everytime I try to draw robot women it just doesn't look right."

"Anything we can do to help?" Nightfox offered.

"Well, now that I think about it..."

"Yes?" the women asked.

"Could you maybe..."

"Yes?"

"...pose?"

"WHAT?!?"

Spider Striker stood up and starting babbling. "I knew it. And they wonder why I stay in my quarters. Whatever I say...."

"No, no!" Nightfox said trying to calm him down. "You just caught us by surprise."

"Yes. We'd be happy to," Airazor added.

Spider Striker stopped ranting, looked at the two women, and asked "Really? I mean, do I have worry about Tigertron or Blackbird killing me?"

"They'd have to get through us," Nightfox reassured him.

20 minutes later Spider Striker finished the drawing and showed it to Airazor and Nightfox.

"WOW!" Nightfox said.

"You're good," agreed Airazor, "but they don't look like us."

"I know," Spider Striker said looking at the picture. "I just needed an idea of the curves and lines. Besides, it would be down right insulting to have you two in the picture and your boyfriends would kill me then Rat Trap. Thanks for your help. I owe both you lovely ladies." Spider Striker walked over to them, pressed the button for his face plate to move, and kissed both Nightfox and Airazor on the hand.

Spider Striker walked on the ceiling toward the armory.
When he got there, he put a few items in a sack made of cyber webbing.
He then jumped back on the ceiling and headed back to his quarters.
The next time he left, he went outside and came back with some flowers and a plant.

There! Spider Striker looked at the adjustments he had made to one of the items he got from the armory.

Now if I could just make the improvements on this thing work he thought looking at a mechanical ball.

Just then, Rhinox walked into the lab. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I had some ideas," Spider Striker explained, "for some new weapons, based on Earth stuff and I was seeing...." "Optimus wants new weapon ideas run by him first," Rhinox interrupted.

"Really? I didn't know that."

"I'm sure you didn't.

"What's the problem with the target practice simulator?"

"I'm trying to fix it so it will shoot back at ya with very low level laser blasts. Just enough to sting."

"That's not a bad idea. Where'd you get it?"

"A movie called 'Star Wars.' "

"Well," Rhinox said looking at the mechanical ball, "you did most of the work. I should get it working within a mega cycle."

"Huh?"

"About a hour."

"WOW! Thanks a lot! I guess I owe you too."

"I'll call it even since you fixed Sentinel," Rhinox said as he picked up a tool.

Spider Striker cheered to himself and somersaulted out of the room.
Rhinox shook his head and chuckled.

That's everybody, Spider Striker thought going over his mental checklist, except Silverbolt and Catspaw.
Now for Catspaw, I can just ask her sister, but 'Bolt's another story.
Spider Striker thought about what he knew about the Maximal's resident fuzor as he walked toward the training room where Catsclaw was practicing.
When he got there Catsclaw was in beast mode, facing off against three practice droids.
The droids opened fire.
The black panther leaped out of the way and pounced on one, shredding and chewing its face.
The other two droids surrounded her and one opened fire.
Catsclaw rolled away, transforming as she did.
The beam fried the droid's companion and it came at her.
She finished it by putting one finger through each optic sensor.

"Nyaa!" Spider Striker exclaimed as he watched Catsclaw complete her workout.

She looked at him and grinned. "Want to fight?" she asked.

"N-no thanks," Spider Striker answered. "I just wanted to ask you what your sister likes."

"You mean like a hobby?"

"Yeah."

"She likes to meditate and all that spiritual stuff. Chances are if Tigertron likes it, so does she."

"Wow. You got to know him awful fast."

"No offense, but I don't spend all my time in my quarters. I got to know everybody already."

"None taken. That's a good thing."

"Yeah. It gives me an advantage if I ever have to fight them."

Spider Striker took a step back. "Well, what are Silverbolt's hobbies?" he asked.

"He likes stories about Earth's Medieval times. 'Knights in shining armor', that stuff."

"Thanks. I guess I owe you two." "You can call it even if we have a match."

"Maybe later."

Spider Striker dragged a cyber web sack into the command room.
Blackbird, Rhinox, Rat Trap, Optimus, and Nightfox stared at him.

Spider Striker stared back and then asked "May I call everyone else up to the command room?"

"I'll do it," Optimus said and activated his comm-link. "This is Optimus Primal. Everyone please report to the command room."

He then turned to Spider Striker and asked "Mind if I ask what's going on?"

"You'll see," he answered simply as the rest of the Maximals arrived.

"This better had be important!" snarled Dinobot. "I was in the middle of a training session!"

"And losing," Catsclaw said smugly.

Dinobot glared at her.

" 'Lighten up, Francis' "Blackbird said.

"Spider Striker wanted to have a meeting and I think I know what he's got planed."

Spider Striker cleared his throat and started talking. "Humans have a holiday where we celebrate peace on Earth and good will to men, or in this case robots. If my calculations are correct, today is that day and I thought this would be a good way to feel less home sick and repay all you guys for being there and helping me adjust. In other words, MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

He reached into the sack and said "I got all of you gifts. Some are bigger than others, but I want you to think 'quality' rather than 'quantity.' "

He pulled out a rolled up piece of 'paper' and tossed it to Rat Trap.

Rat Trap unrolled it and laughed when he saw the picture.

"HA! Thanks, kid! This is great! HA HA!" He showed the picture to Rhinox and Blackbird.
The picture showed Rat Trap in a hammock with three attractive female Maximals feeding him grapes, rubbing his feet, and bringing more fruit.

"Glad you like it," Spider Striker said reaching for another gift. He handed a small box to Dinobot.

Dinobot snatched the box. "This is irrelevant!" he roared. "We are at war and you talk of peace. We should...."

"Open it," Spider Striker cut Dinobot off. "Rhinox helped me make it work. It's perfect for you, 'Francis' "

Dinobot opened the box and pulled out the target practice simulator.

"What in the Inferno..?" he said.
He pressed the 'on' button and the ball flew into the air and fired at him.
The laser hit Dinobot in the left optic sensor. He roared and drew his sword.
He swiped at the small device, but it dodged, shot his other optic sensor, and flew out of the room.
Dinobot chased after it growling.
Everyone burst out laughing.
Spider Striker handed a slightly larger box to Optimus.
Optimus opened it and pulled out a bright orange plant in a pot.
He stared at it in wonder gently touching the leaves.

Spider Striker smiled underneath his face plate. "You said this was originally an exploration mission, so I thought I'd give you something to study. That and it looks real cool.
Tigertron told me where they grow. That's not all. Keep going."

Optimus nodded. He put the plant down and pull out a bunch of 'papers' with information on gorillas.
Mixed in was a picture of a gorilla swinging on vines.

"Thank you very much, Spider Striker," Optimus said.

"Now for the 'Rhino update' " Spider Striker said pulling out a parcel from the sack.
He handed it to Rhinox.
Rhinox opened it to reveal a bouquet of all sorts of flowers.
The flowers were in a vase that was attached to a platform.
On the platform was a gold computer mouse.

"What's this?" Rhinox asked pointing to the mouse.

Spider Striker answered "It's a mouse. Get it?"

"Get what?"

"Oh wait. That's for elephants. Anyway, it's a piece of human computer equipment. I put it there as a joke, but I got the joke wrong. I guess it just symbolizes you as the Maximal computer expert."

Rhinox sniffed the flowers. "Ah, Heaven. Thanks," he said as picked up the vase to take to his quarters.
Underneath was a disk.
Rhinox set the vase down and picked up the disk.

"What's on here?" he questioned.

"That, I thought of that at the last minute," Spider Striker answered.

"It's got all sorts of ideas to solve computer problems from books and movies I've seen or read."

"Thanks again," Rhinox said as he picked them both up and went to his quarters.

"Now," Spider Striker said when Rhinox had left, "I'll give the lovely ladies their gifts."

He handed Airazor, Nightfox, Catspaw, and Catsclaw their gifts.
Nightfox opened her's first.
All she had to do was unroll it like Rat Trap.
It was a picture of a fox asleep in some autumn leaves.
Beneath it was a poem that read:

Sleep Little Fox
Most foxes have it easy.
Steal a chicken,
Bite a dog,
Avoid the farmer with a gun.
Easy!

This fox, however,
Doesn't have it so easy.
She has to worry about giant wasps,
Giant spiders,
Agreeable dinosaurs,
And some of the darkest birds you've ever seen.
So sleep little fox.
You've earned it.

Nightfox looked up after she had read the poem. "That's very nice," she said.

"Thank you." She kissed Spider Striker on the cheek.

Spider Striker swore he heard Blackbird growl.
Airazor unrolled her gift.
It was a picture of a falcon flying above the clouds with the Axalon soaring behind her in the distance.
It too, had a poem:

A Falcon's Flight
Y'know somethin'?
I envy the falcon.
Everything about them
is a quality I wish I had.
Their speed and agility.
They are the fastest animal alive.
They can do some beautiful ariel maneuvers

Me? I'm the world's slowest klutz.
Their stealth and strength.
Their prey never hears them coming.
Their talons can crush your bones.

Me? I always get caught with my hand in the jar,
because I've dropped the lid,
because it's to heavy.
Their flight.

Oh, how I envy a falcon's flight!
I think it's every man's dream to fly.
Me? Well, I just can't fly! DUH!

Airazor chuckled as she read the last line.

"That's a very good poem," she said and walked over to give Spider Striker a kiss.

"Just a second," he said and looked at Tigertron.
Tigertron smiled and nodded.

He turned back and said "OK."

Airazor smiled and gave him a peck on the cheek.

Catsclaw ripped the lid of the box.
She pulled out a crossbow, a bola, and a small rod.
A huge grin spread across her face.

"Thanks," she said.

Everyone heard Rat Trap mutter "Oh great! He gave the pysco-cat weapons."

"I made some improvements to those," Spider Striker told her.

"The bola sends an energon surge that can knock out its target. The crossbow can use your energon arrows and has a really cool target site. The rod is a collapsible staff."

"Thanks," she said still grinning.

"Great," Rat Trap muttered.

Catspaw opened her gift which was four of Blackbird's song devices.

"Hey!" Blackbird said "I've been wondering where those went!"

"Don't worry," Spider Striker said. "I'll help make you some new ones."

"I've got tons, it's just that I wanted to know where they were. 'It's cool' "

"Excuse me," Catspaw said, "but what songs are on here?"

"Only one song," Spider Striker explained.

"It's called 'Skipping Stones' and I thought you'd like it. It's one of my favorites. The others are sounds of nature like a rain storm or birds singing. Oh! I almost forgot to give you these."

He handed Catspaw a container and what looked like cartridges.

"Rhinox said you guys have incenses already, but they're processed. It took me a while but I found a way to make some natural ones."

"WOW!" Cheetor said "How'd ya figure all this stuff out?"

"I was a 'straight A' student," answered Spider Striker, "but I'm almost positive whatever brought me here has something to do with it."

"Well anyway," Catspaw said, "this is a great gift and I thank you very much, Spider Striker."

"No problem. And for you, Cheetor..."

Cheetor grabbed the small package and opened it clumsily because of his transmetal hands.
It was a bunch of cyber books.
He didn't show it, but Spider Striker could tell Cheetor was disappointed.

"They're called 'choose your own adventure' and they're really cool," explained Spider Striker.

"I know. They're awesome. It's just..."

"What?"

"...ya didn't give me enough! I burn through these things in days!"

"Well...I'm glad you like them," Spider Striker stated.

That was unexpected he thought as he pulled out another rolled up sheet of 'paper' and handed it to Cheetor.
He unrolled it. It was a picture of Cheetor standing over the beat up bodies of Megatron, Tarantulas, and the other Predacons.

"Whoa! Ultra Gear! I kick slag!" Cheetor said staring at the picture.

All the thanks I need Spider Striker thought.
He got out another gift and handed it to Silverbolt.
It wasn't wrapped, so everyone saw right away that it was cyber books, a lot of small cyber books held together by a string of cyber web.

"I ran out of boxes," Spider Striker told Silverbolt.

"It is quite alright," Silverbolt said.

The fuzor took a quick look at one of the books and smiled and exclaimed "Ah! A tale of King Arthur and his knights! Where did you find these? They weren't in the Axalon's library."

"Nope," Spider Striker agreed, "but there were plenty of blanks and lots of Medieval tales in that disk Blackbird gave me. I even think there's a story about Medieval Spawn."

"I thank you, my friend. Reading of the times of nobility is a great pleasure of mine."

"Next is...Tigertron!" Spider Striker said tossing a box to the white tiger.

Tigertron maximized and caught the box.
He opened the box, pulled out the small holo-picture, and turned it on.
An image of a white tiger in the snow appeared.

"Snowstalker," Tigertron said in a hush whisper.

He turned it off and revealed the rest of the box's contents.
He pulled out a song device labeled "Nature Sounds" and a vase of flowers.

"They're so you'll feel like you're outside," Spider Striker explained, "even when you decide to stay here for a while."

"Thank you. Thank you."

Spider Striker smiled beneath his face plate again and said "I saved the best for last."

"'Damn straight,' "Blackbird said receiving the gift.

He opened the small box.
The first thing he took out was a picture of a vertical landing jet.
Next came a song device labeled "Sing About It."
After that was a small holo-projector. Blackbird turned on the projector and it showed a human man at a piano playing "Piano Man."
He then turned it off and played the song device:

When you're down
You don't want no
one around.
Draggin' your hell
All over town.

Or maybe your awesome
And feelin' on top.
Life is just swell
And your going to pop!
Just sing about it.
Y'know the music's the thing.

Blackbird turned it off.

"That's a great song man!" he told Spider Striker.

"I thought you'd like it. It seems to suit you."

"And the picture looks just like my old jet mode. And that projection is just awesome."

"You can program it to play any other song. That one just seemed appropriate for the projection."

Optimus put his hand on Spider Striker's shoulder. "I wish there was something we could..."

"Don't finish that sentence," Spider Striker said. " 'The expression on your faces is thanks enough.' "

"Aw no!" Blackbird said. "You're not pulling that. You're getting a gift whether you want it or not! And I got just the thing."

He pulled a small object from a hidden compartment and revealed it to be a ring.

"It fell into the pod you came out of from the sky when we left the room. I've been meaning to give it to you."

"Grandma's ring!" Spider Striker gasped.
He took it and put it on his left ring finger.
The jewel flashed.

"Holy...!" he exclaimed. "I remember!"

"What do you mean?" Optimus asked.

"Until right now, all my memories have been incomplete. All I had were phrases and images. No names. No faces. I didn't know my own name other than Spider Striker. Now, BOOM! It's all good! This is gonna sound so cliche, but this is the best Christmas ever!"

"Glad to help," Optimus said.

Spider Striker looked out the window.

" 'Sweet Christmas!' " he exclaimed.

"IT'S SNOWING!"

He leaped out the sky hatch and started making snow angels, tossing snow in the air, everything.

"Come on everybody," Optimus said heading to the door.

"Let's have some fun!" All the Maximals came outside (except for Dinobot, who was still trying to kill his gift) and looked around for Spider Striker.

"Where is he?" asked Optimus.

Just then a snowball hit Optimus right in the face.
He wiped the snow off and saw Spider Striker laughing.

He looked at Rhinox and said "Nail 'im!"

Rhinox formed the galaxies largest snowball and hurled at Spider Striker, hitting him dead on.
A snow ball war broke out that lasted until the energon surges started to take their toll.
Yep, Spider Striker thought as he head to his quarters for the night, definitely the best Christmas ever!

Happy Holidays all year long from Spider Striker!!