Breaking the Habit

Written on: 19 – 28 December 2003

Author’s Note: As with the past two series, I’ve done a sum-up story . . . only this one has taken me a while to finish. The story between Starath and Micheal needed a complete closure. It just happened to hit me when I was listening to this song. Originally, had planned to have this be a perspective upon how Rattrap had been treating Dinobot as they’re getting to know each other in the first season. But I like the way that this ended up. I don’t own Linkin Park , their song “Breaking the Habit,” Starath, or Micheal. Micheal actually belongs to Starath, to tell you the truth.

Memories concern

Like opening the wound

I’m picking me apart again

Micheal swallowed, listening to his thoughts in the dead of the night. He shuddered, sitting up in the den, where he now slept. He rested his head in his hands, not even understanding his own behavior. In the past two weeks alone, he had caused Starath to cry eight times. No . . . ten, including tonight, and two days ago. Ten times, he’s managed to say something wrong to her, about any topic that he subconsciously knew would hurt her. And . . . he had wanted to hurt her. Ten times he’s apologized, and . . . not surprisingly . . . she had forgiven him . . . nine times.

Today was a different story. And Micheal knew that what he had been doing had to stop.

You all assume

I’m safer in my room

Unless I try to start again

He’d gone too far. Starath had locked Megatron . . . Micheal . . . out of her room, and ignored his apologies by slipping her headphones on and blaring the music of a favorite band. After the CD had run itself through, Starath pulled them off, looking up from her book at her door. She knew that he wasn’t on the other side anymore. Good.

She then sat in silence, mulling thoughts over and around each other in her head. Looking up at a clock, she realized that it was nearly midnight . Starath stood, and listened to the house settling. She paced from one corner of her room to the other. The other comments Micheal had said were relatively harmless, but to insult Daisy . . . to not even seem to care to notice how much just looking at her grave hurt Starath . . .

Micheal would have to pay through his nose to get back into her good graces.

I don’t want to be the one

The battles always choose

Why did I say those things? Micheal wondered, his curly, dark brown hair loose from being in the small ponytail he wore at the nape of his neck. Donovan might be able to get away with leaving his long hair down since it was straight, but he also had a thin face and high cheekbones to support the look. Micheal . . . well, his face was wider, not round, but with lower cheekbones, and a slightly-rounded chin that made him look slightly younger than he felt his body was. But with his hair down . . . hnph. Starath once commented that he looked like a girl. It didn’t help that his hair wasn’t all the same length in the front.

’Cause inside I realize

I’m the one confused

Tugging on one of the shorter strands of hair, he began thinking seriously again. I feel bad that I said what I did about the dog. Sure she’s dead, but I know that I didn’t have to say what I did to Starath. She and . . . Daisy . . . they grew up together. Primus, I grew up with Dinobot, and when he died, I was unapproachable. I didn’t know that he was so close to death with I fought him in the valley. Matrix . . . Matrix, not now . . . please, no . . .

The wall of resolve Micheal had build to keep his grief at bay crumbled to dust.

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

Starath finally decided to talk with Micheal. If he was irritable about waking up, good. That’ll teach him not to say things like he did.

“‘You’re still mourning over a stupid dog?’ Jerk. I hope you’re asleep so I can wake you up,” Starath grumbled, unlocking and opening her door, happy that her immediate family were off visiting extended family for the night. They wouldn’t have to hear a rather large and loud argument that was more than likely to break out.

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

Walking down the hall and towards the den, she heard a soft noise. It almost sounded like it were something sniffling . . . someone crying in the soft way that suggested that they didn’t want to be found. It was almost like this person was ashamed of crying.

Then Starath knew who it was.

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not all right

Micheal didn’t want Starath to wake up with his sobbing. She didn’t need to see him this way. She didn’t need him to be a weak, sniveling kind of person around her. She needed someone strong, who would be able to protect her at all costs . . . not him.

Why hadn’t he treated her with the all the respect she deserves? She was a strong individual, someone who had stood up to him, even though she had been completely silent . . . and she made him realize that he had been wrong. She cared about him, and it showed when she accepted his apologies with a hug, or made him something to eat when he was puzzled about how to make it. She was a constant, something never-changing, in his constantly-shifting world . . . and she deserved so much better.

So I’m breaking a habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

Starath noiselessly looked in at Micheal. His hair was concealing his face, but she knew without having to look at his face, his eyes, that he was genuinely crying, genuinely sorry or regretting something. Something that had him saying some of the things he had been saying. He was hurting, and Starath knew that she was the only one who could help him. All of her anger at Micheal evaporated. He hadn’t known what he had been doing.

She walked in, still completely silent, and stood before Micheal for a moment before coming to rest in a kneel a few feet away from him. Her jeans, since she hadn’t changed yet, rustled noisily with the movement. Micheal looked up sharply, tears flying from his hands and face, while they still flowed down his cheeks from his eyes, and the looked away. “I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

“Megatron, come here.”

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

He rushed to kneel before her, and she pulled him close in an embrace, whispering, “It’s okay.”

Micheal shook his head against Starath’s shoulder, still sobbing. It wasn’t “okay.” He just couldn’t stop crying. The young woman sighed, and smiled sadly at him, pulling a few inches away to hold his head in her hands. She kissed his nose, and looked into his eyes, whispering, “You’re mourning for someone too, aren’t you?”

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I have no options left again

He nodded, and Starath let him embrace her, even though he was clumsy about it. She pulled his head onto her right shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his left shoulder and neck. He was still shaking his head. Without moving too much at a time, Starath managed to sit relatively normally, with Micheal still resting against her. He managed to whisper hoarsely, “I can’t do this anymore, Starath. I can’t do this.”

I don’t want to be the one

The battles always choose

“Do what?”

“I’ll never be the strongest person to look after you . . . I can’t be the strongest . . . but . . .”

“Is that what this is all about?”

“I . . . I don’t know . . . no . . . it isn’t.”

“Then we’ll talk this part out first.”

’Cause inside I realize

I’m the one confused

“I just don’t understand.”

“Micheal, do you honestly think that I want you to be the strongest person on earth?”

He looked at her guiltily, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeve. “Doesn’t every girl want the man of her choice to be the strongest?”

Starath smiled, and helped him wipe the tears away. “Where did you hear that?”

“On Cybertron . . .”

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

Chuckling kindly, Starath shook her head, letting him begin to think his way though his pain, his regret. She brushed some hair back from where it had fallen into Micheal’s face, sticking to his tear-stained cheeks. His eyes watched hers mournfully, and she whispered, “Maybe on Cybertron, that’s expected, but here, on earth, I don’t think so.” She smiled, and said, “I actually think that we love guys who know that they’re not the strongest man. Someone who thinks that way is clearly deluding themselves.”

He sighed shakily, remembering. “Back home . . . on Cybertron . . . I had been the strongest Predacon of them all. Where . . . where had that strength gone to? Why did it disappear? How? Once, I wouldn’t have cared one slag about anyone’s feelings. But . . . now . . . here I am, weeping in the arms of some human girl. Where was this strength? Strength . . . strength was the only thing that had mattered in the universe! Everything else . . . was a delusion for the weak.”

Starath smiled gently, then released a small, kind chuckle, causing Micheal to look up at her. She shook her head, and whispered, “Megs, you’re human now. Only human. Strength isn’t everything. It just doesn’t matter anymore.”

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

Micheal frowned slightly, as he leaned a tad closer, his eyes widening slightly. “But what about Sapphire and Sinead?”

Starath smoothed Micheal’s hair, managing to calm him further, then giggled a bit. “Gosh, I think that they love Rattrap and Dinobot simply because of those two’s faults. And I love you for the same reason.”

That caught Micheal’s attention, and held it. He looked up at Starath, whose face was so flushed with color, it was noticeable even in the dim light of the den. “You . . . what?”

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be all right

Starath cleared her throat, then said in a choked, hurried whisper, “Back to before. You got the point of why you were wrong about what I’d like you to be.”

Micheal sighed, and whispered back, “But I don’t know what you want me to be.”

The young woman looked at him, and smiled, saying, “Who you are is who I’d like you to be.” She shook her head, and added, “But I’d like to also know why you were crying like you were.”

So I’m breaking a habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

Micheal looked back at his hands. He balled them into fists, and pushed them against his eyes, trying not to let the tears fall. Not again. Not if he could help it. Smaller hands snatched his own away from his eyes, and Micheal found himself mere inches away from Starath. Her blue eyes were narrowed. “Stop holding your tears in. Stop bottling it all up. That’s why you’re doing what you are. You’re trying to find an outlet to your frustration and everything else that you don’t want to deal with, and that’s why you say those things that you did.”

The once-Predacon could only blink at her in wonder, as tears fell. She was right.

I’ll paint it on the walls

’Cause I’m the one that falls

Smiling quietly, gently, Starath wiped the tears away, and Micheal bowed his head. “I killed him. Dinobot. I didn’t know how drained he was. I was so angry . . . so bitter at that time, ever since he had turned away from me. I had known him most of my life, and I thought that I had known him better than anyone else.”

“But you didn’t. He knew you better than you knew, didn’t he?”

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

“Pit’s flames . . . I hope he knows how sorry I am. I . . . I caused him to die in the Wars. My best friend since the academy . . . I killed him.”

“Megs, he knows. You saw how he reacted to you when you met him as a human. You saw how Dinobot acted around you when he and Sinead stayed here. He knows how sorry you are.” Starath wiped the last tears away. “He knows that you only want to be his friend.”

“No, no that’s not what I want.”

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

The blonde frowned, perplexed at his line. “What?”

“I want him to hear my apology. I want him to know the reasons. I want to see him again, and to tell him everything. I should have told him before . . . before the Wars could have even been thought about. He was my second-in-command, and had a right to know what I had been thinking, everything that I had been planning. But . . . I was blind. Stupid. An idiot, as he had said once.” Micheal sighed, then looked up at Starath. She pushed wayward curls out of his face, and he closed his eyes, relishing the comfort. After a moment, though, he looked back up at her. “I want to see him again.”

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

“You will,” Starath whispered. “You know that there’s going to be a wedding. But . . . those two haven’t set a date yet. I wonder why.”

Micheal looked up at his . . . He shook his head slightly. She wasn’t his. “Starath, did it ever occur to you that they might be waiting until everyone else from the Wars would be able to attend?”

Starath looked at him, then smiled, and chuckled. “No, I guess not, but that does make sense. But how those two will manage to stay out of that kind of trouble, I don’t know.”

The now-human grinned, shaking his head.

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be all right

She stood, and then looked down at Micheal. Her face was slightly flushed again, as a thought had run through her mind. Nah. She didn’t have the guts to do something that rash. She wasn’t a flirt, and she wasn’t someone who would kiss someone else without warning. Clearing her throat slightly, she said, “I’ll talk to Sinead, and we’ll see when we can get together again. That good with you?”

Micheal nodded, and stood up as well, trying to look at Starath’s eyes, but . . . she wasn’t making eye-contact. Her body-language was stiff, like she was hiding something . . . oh. Of course. Smiling, he shook his head, and pulled her into an embrace. “Thank you. Oh, and before I forget, Starath . . .”

So I’m breaking a habit

Starath didn’t have the time to blink, before he had kissed her forehead, then pull away slightly. She held onto him, blushing a bright scarlet, but was smiling. “You’re impossible, you know that, Megs?” Angling her head up so she could see his face, she whispered, “And that was romantic, but terrible.”

“What, would you prefer a real kiss? Primus, you’re hard to please.”

I’m breaking the habit

Five minutes later, the door to the den opened, and her father stood there. “Starath . . . Micheal? Didn’t you hear us come in? Next time, listen out.” He chuckled. “Do you honestly want to get caught by someone else?”

Starath hid behind Micheal, who was biting his lip. “Sorry.”

Starath’s father sighed, still smiling at the blushing antics of his daughter, as her mother walked down behind her. “What’s going on?”

I’m breaking the habit tonight

“Nothing,” the three said quickly. Starath shot up the stairs, but paused long enough to smile over her shoulder at Micheal, whose cheeks flamed scarlet, as he turned and began fixing the blankets over the cot he had been sleeping on. Starath had been right. Everything would be okay after all.