5.July.06

No Offense Intended

By: Lethal

Hello.  This is my first attempt at writing Beast Wars Fan Fiction.  But, I have been reading it for some time.  This will be a comedy (if you didn’t get that from the title), and will Satirize not only the show, but also character interactions and common traits in Beast Wars Fan Fiction (remember, I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, just make them laugh).  Also, it has a bit (a lot) of action it, so enjoy that, too.  Takes place somewhere between “Crossing the Rubicon” and “Master Blaster”.

Disclaimer:  Hasbro owns Beast Wars, and a group of all the animals featured in the series as beast forms could have done a better job toward the end.

            Rhinox was having a bad start to what he felt would be a bad day.  His Cyber-espresso was spilled all over his lap, he'd over slept, he'd walked in to find Rattrap snoozing at his post, and to top it off, now the computers were acting up.

            “Any problems, Rhinox?”  Asked Optimus Primal, concerned for his teammate.

            “Just a minor computer error, it’s nothing.”  Rhinox thought the best move was to just ignore the bad luck he was having.  It was best not to worry Optimus.  Besides, if he did tell him, he’d just give him a two hour long speech about not letting it get to him.  And without his espresso, Rhinox was not in the mood.

            “How minor?”  An error in the computers usually meant an error in the security, which meant that the Ark (and a few bananas he had stashed) would be in jeopardy.

            “The Auto Guns are operational, but long range sensors aren’t.  And I can’t get the doors to open.”

            “That’s serious.  Until we get those sensors back on line, we’ll have to double, maybe triple our patrol routes.”  The leader sighed.  “I’ll tell Cheetor.  By the way, why is Rattrap sleeping by the monitors?”

            “I just found him there this morning.”

            “And you didn’t wake him?”

            “Why would I?  We posted him there because it’s a relatively unimportant post and we knew he’d fall asleep every night, spend his time playing mind numbing video games, or losing money on online poker matches.”

            “We have the internet?”

            “Yes.”

            “How?  We’re millions of years in the past.”

            “Bill Gates has that sort of power.”

            Cheetor was in his quarters, playing with a ball of string that came from parts unknown, when his com buzzed to life.  Unfortunately, the static surprised the feline, and he suddenly found himself trapped by his own toy.  Try as he might, he could not break the string, which was weird, given the fact that he’s the product of hybrid alien-cybertronian technology and has the form of a fierce jungle cat.

            “Cheetor, do you read me?”  The commander’s voice came from the com.   “Cheetor, respond!”

            “Uh, Cheetor here.”  Cheetor struggled with the string, trying to free himself.

            “Is everything all right?”

            “Um, not really.  I’m a little tied up right now.”

            “Well, whatever you’re doing, drop it.  You and Silverbolt have to go on patrol.”

            “This early?”

            “Yes!  Now, get going!”

            “…Roger.  Cheetor, out.”

            Optimus contacted Silverbolt next.  Perhaps, on a morning that already wasn’t going well for one Maximal, Optimus should have been more quiet.  But the great leaders of history have never spoken quietly, except for Roosevelt, but he carried a big stick to back him up. 

            Silverbolt was resting peacefully in his chamber, dreaming happily of his beloved Blackarachnia, when his peace was shot in the head.

            “Silverbolt, come in!”  Optimus’ voice came in through Silverbolt’s communication system.  His sensitive ears shot up, and he released a howl of pain that it traveled through the entire cave and would have awoken Rattrap in the command room, had he not put ear plugs in his ears to sleep.  “Silverbolt, are you okay?!  Is something wrong?!”

            “No, no.  Everything’s fine, commander.  I just… have sensitive hearing.”

            “Oh.  My bad.”

            “That’s okay.  You’ve only known about it since I joined the team a few years ago…”

            “You and Cheetor are on patrol, starting now.  If you hurry, you might find a dragon to slay, or a damsel to save, or a boy trapped in a well.”

            “Um, yes, very funny, sir.  Did you come up with that last one on your own?”

            “No, I worked on it with Rattrap.  Was it really good?  My timing, was it okay?”

            “Yes, you should open a comedy club when we get back to Cybertron.  I’m going on patrol.  Silverbolt out.”

            Blackarachnia was an early bird by nature.  She was busy with a form of meditation when her sappy boyfriend’s howl interrupted her concentration.  She sighed, and realized that it was time for her to go to report for duty. 

            Not surprisingly, she found garbage-breath snoozing, Rhinox with his head and lap steaming, and Optimus oblivious to it all.  “Hello?  I’m here to report in,” she stated with a mix of sarcasm and annoyance.  At least I don’t have to act like banana brains is royalty, she thought, remembering mornings at the Predacon base.

            “Blackarachnia, good.  I have a special assignment for you.”

            “No more little ‘chores’, creep!” she hissed at a stunned and confused Optimus.  Rhinox looked over his shoulder at the scene.  Suddenly, remembering that she wasn’t talking to Megatron, she regained her composure.  “Sorry.  What’s the assignment?”

            “… What was that about?”

            “Nothing!  You were going to give me a special assignment, what is it?”  She asked again, her voice like a very sweet poison.

            “Oh, right.  I need you to try to find Depth Charge.  We lost contact with him a few days ago in Epsilon sector.  Also, I want you to tell me what in the name of Cybertron that little outburst was about.”

            “I thought…”  Blackarachnia trailed, not wanting him to know the reason.

            “Oh…”  Optimus said, as if in understanding.  “Blackarachnia, we Maximals don’t do those kinds of depraved things.”  By now, Rhinox had awoken Rattrap, who was watching along with Rhinox.  The seething look on Blackarachnia’s face tipped them off that Optimus had just stepped over the line with that assumption.

            “WHAT?!”  Her shriek forced Optimus back.  “GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!  If you must know, Megatron used to make me give him foot rubs, and didn’t use me as some sort of ‘sex slave’!!  HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN HIS FEET?!  THEY’RE DISGUSTING!!!”

            “Oh.  Uh…  I really have no idea what to say.”

            Blackarachnia stormed out of the base, slamming the heavy door behind her with her telekinetic abilities and muttering something about men.  Rattrap was quietly snickering in a corner, and Rhinox had gone back to work on the computer.  Optimus was a little more then embarrassed by the whole thing, and decided to do a little ground patrol to back up Silverbolt and Cheetor.

            Megatron was having a better morning.  Except for one small detail, that is. 

            “Waspinator!  Your foot rubbing technique needs much improvement!”  The tyrant bellowed at Waspinator, who was trying his best to rub Megatron’s feet without gagging.  Mission: Impossible.

            “Did you call me here just to see your putrid feet?  When’s the last time you washed those things?”  Rampage asked from the door way.  He was bored out of his mind (it had been that way since he was first ‘drafted’ by Megatron) and wanted to know what new and boring idea the idiot had for destroying the slumbering Autobots.  “Let’s get on with it already.  I have things to- ACK!!!”  The crab screamed in pain, his whole body lighting up.

            “Rampage,”  Megatron sighed while slamming his hand on Rampage’s spark, which was resting peacefully on the armrest.  “when will you learn proper respect?”  Megatron kicked Waspinator away, and told the crab what was going on.  “As you are aware, we have a new member.”

            Rampage was about to make a remark, but remembered that his Spark was still dangerously close to Megatron.  That pain… it wasn’t like anything Rampage had ever felt.  He wasn’t numb to it.  He couldn’t become numb to it.  And it wouldn’t kill him.  And that’s what scared him about it.  It wouldn’t offer him any form of release.  So, Rampage continued to listen to the one person that he would like nothing more then to kill… slowly.

            The new member Megatron was referring to came from a heavily damaged stasis pod they had recently recovered.  They got the heavily damaged protoform to the CR tank in time, however.  So now, the Predacons had a new member, and thus, in Megs’ eyes, a new weapon.

            “This new ally could prove very powerful, yes.  Our scans show that its power levels are off the charts.  Rampage, you and Dinobot will take it out on patrol, get it acquainted with the territory, yes.  And our enemy, yeeeeees.”

            Rampage mused to himself. A new ally?  Good.  A new name to add to the list.

            Megatron, Dinobot, and Rampage all waited outside of the tank for the new Predacon.  When it finally emerged, they were shock to find that not only was it a femme, but its beast form appeared to be a cat.

            “Oh, don’t tell me…”  Dinobot had memories of this.  Painfully bad memories

            “Hey there, handsome.” greeted the new Predacon.  “My name’s Mary Sue.” 

            Oh, the poor, poor Predacons.  Mary Sue had spent the last three hours talking non-stop to all of them, hitting on Dinobot, and trying to make nice with Rampage and psychoanalyze him at the same time.  She wouldn’t stop pestering Megatron, and she seemed to speak at the end of every sentence.  It was as if the other Predacons weren’t even there.

            Suddenly, and without warning, Megatron, Rampage, and Dinobot all aimed their weapons at the femme.  BLAM!!

            “Rampage, take its remains and dump them in four different lava pits, each facing a different cardinal direction.”  Megatron ordered.

            “Yes sir!  At once!”  That was the first time Rampage had ever gladly carried out an order from Megatron.

            Silverbolt soared high above the sky, searching the land with his eyes and smelling the air for signs of Pred activity.  He was a diligent soldier.  Not mindlessly loyal and obedient like a drone, but also not resenting his orders and position.  He had the perfect balance of duty, honor, and self-thought.  He knew when to focus on his duties… so long as his love was not involved.

            This time she was, in a way, involved.  Staying up through much of the night was business as usual for him.  He was part wolf, after all.  But, it was what he was doing last night that had tired him out.  Blackarachnia was very… skilled.  She knew so many maneuvers that he did not.  No wonder she won all of those chess matches we had last night.  Silverbolt had started musing to himself.  My beloved has so many wonderful talents…

Silverbolt was having a hard time staying awake, the only thing keeping him alert was the wind.  He knew he needed a cyber espresso, but to his misfortune, they were out.  He suspected Rhinox to have had the last of it.  He smelled as though he’d bathed in it.  Try as he might, the mighty fuzor was just too tired to focus.

            Quickstrike chose now to attack.  “Say your prayers, pardner!”  Quickstrike fired a shot aimed at Silverbolt’s wing.  But, the Bird-dog was able to dodge it.

            “Silverbolt, Maximize!”  Silverbolt was about to get the jolt he needed.

            Cheetor was also patrolling.  If you could call aimlessly wandering through the jungle patrolling, that is.  Currently, he was trying to find the proto-human children to play with.  What were the chances of Pred activity today?  It was so peaceful and calm…  He was starting to see why Tigatron and Airazor fell in love with this planet.

            He watched as a butterfly fluttered by and landed on his out-stretched paw.  Such interesting patterns on its wings…

            “This is Silverbolt!  Come in!”  The com broke the serenity of the scene.  “I’m under attack!  Requesting back-up!”  The sudden sound caused the butterfly to react quickly, but, for some odd reason, it flew straight into his mouth.

            Cheetor coughed and gagged a bit before answering the distress signal.  “This is Cheetor!  Hang on, ‘Bolt!  I’m on my way!”

            Quickstrike was no problem for Silverbolt.  But, Inferno striking him from behind and teaming up with Quickstrike was another story.

            “The Royalty demands you perish!  Burn, Maximal!  Buuuuurn!!”

            “Ha ha!  Like I always say, there ain’t nothin’ better then a good ole’ fashioned Maxi barbeque!”  Quickstrike laughed with Inferno as he tried to finish Silverbolt.  Being the good shot he was, he managed to get in a hit and force Silverbolt to land, placing him on the defensive side of the battle.

            Cheetor arrived just in time.  “Cheetor, Maximize!”  The young warrior wasted no time in firing at Quickstrike, forcing him to seek cover behind some rocks.  Cheetor ran for cover as well.  Silverbolt had taken cover at Cheetor’s right, behind another group of rocks, setting up a crossfire.  Inferno flew to the middle of the area.

            “You shall both burn!  The Royalty wi-”  Inferno was cut off by Silverbolt firing a Missile right into his spinning bottom.  The drone laughed as he spiraled out of the sky, he turned on his flame throwers and spread fire throughout the battlefield.  Quickstrike was the only person who was almost hit.

            “WATCH WHERE YER AIMIN’ THAT THING!!”  He screamed at Inferno, who had landed and crawled behind the rock.  “Ya coulda slagged me!”

            “You should be grateful that you are able to risk your life for the Royalty, drone!”  Inferno was baffled by this.  Why was this drone so concerned for his own life?  Why was he not willing to die for the Colony? 

            “Listen ta’ me, ant noggin’!  I ain’t no drone, and I sure as slag ain’t gonna get scrapped for the ‘colony’!”

            “DISLOYAL TRAITOR!  You shall be judged before the Royalty for your insolence!  The Queen gave us a task, and it is our duty to carry it out!  The Colony will see that you are punished!”

“Are they ever going to start fighting us again?”  Cheetor asked Silverbolt.

            “I doubt it.”

            “Hey, maybe if we just leave ‘em alone, they’ll slag each other.”

            “Let’s get back to our patrols.”  With that, they both transformed and flew off.

            “Megatron to Inferno.  What is your status?”  The Queen’s voice buzzed in his ears.  Inferno immediately answered.

            “My Queen, this disloyal drone has-”

            “DISLOYAL?!”  Quickstrike screamed.  “Now hold on jus’ one second, you good fur nothin’, slaggin’-”

            “QUIET!  BOTH OF YOU!”  The two stopped their bickering.  “I need you to disengage the Maximals.”  Quickstrike gasped.  He suddenly remembered that he was in the middle of a fight.  He turned to blast the Maximals, only to find them long gone.

            “Uh… done.”  He said.

            “Now, return to base.  We’ve just encountered an intruder.”

            “An intruder, my-” Megatron’s growl stopped him.  “We shall return immediately.”

            There was indeed an intruder in the Predacon Base.  A human had suddenly appeared out of no where.  This was very confusing to the Predacons.

            “Identify yourself!”  Dinobot barked.

            “Hey, you’re Dinobot II!”  The Human did not answer his question.  He also saw other Predacons coming.  “Any you’re Waspinator!  And Rampage!  And Megatron!”

            “State your purpose!”  Dinobot was becoming irritated.

            “I don’t know how I got here.  But, now that I’m here, want to do stuff?”

            “Stuff?”  Megatron asked.  “What kind of stuff?”

            “Play video games, screw around, babysit me, attack the Maximals, that kind of stuff.”

            “Why do you think we need you to attack the Maximals?”

            “Cause I watch your show and I know all about the Maximal base!”

            “Show?  What show?”  Waspinator was more confused then he had ever been.

            “Okay.  This might sound freaky, but in my world-”

            “Enough!  Goodbye, human!”  Megatron said as he pointed his gun at the human.  BLAM!!

            “This is Optimus Primal to Base.  Do you read?”  Megatron wasn’t the only one dealing with humans.  Unfortunately, he was the only one dealing with humans appearing out of nowhere.  Optimus was dealing with something else.  It was he who had appeared out of nowhere, in his original body, standing in front of a human girl.

            “Optimus Primal?!  Of all the beast warriors to appear, you showed up?  What about Dinobot, or Rampage, or Depth Charge, or Tigatron, or Megatron?”  Asked the girl.  She didn’t sound confused.  She seemed more disappointed than anything,  “Whatever.  What do you want to do?”

            “…I want to get back to the Beast Wars.  I’ve got to save the Ark.  Do you know how I got here?”  She seemed to know more about the situation than he did.

            “How should I know?  Hey, let's go ice skating!”

            “Um, no.  Hmm.  Maybe it was some sort of Trans Warp explosion.  But that wouldn’t explain why I’m back to my old self.”  If the human wouldn’t help him, he’d have to figure it out on his own.

            “What are you going on about?  I know!  Let’s got to the Aquarium!  Or the Movies!”

            “Listen, I’ve got to get back.  I’m from a point in time where a brutal war is being fought for your existence and freedom!  If I don’t get back, my team might-”

            She cut him off.  “I know about the Beast Wars, okay?  I watch your show every time it’s on.”

            “I have a show?  Never mind.  Listen, I need to get back.”

            “Fine.  If you don’t want to have fun, you can just go back to the TV.”

            And with that, Optimus Primal found himself falling through time, with but one thought on his mind.  Man, I am just not good with women.

            Blackarachnia had found her way to Epsilon sector, the last known location of the Merman.  By now, she had blown off most of her steam from Optimus’ thick-headedness.  But she still had some blind aggression to work out. 

            “Blackarachnia, Maximize.”  She transformed and began to scan for Depth Charge.  She searched high and low, far and wide, long and hard, but her search remained fruitless.  She started muttering insults at everything.  To the water, which was ‘too wet’, so the sun that was ‘too hot’, and the dirt that was ‘good for nothing.’

            “Hey, Tin-fin, where are you?!”  She yelled into the air.  She’d been doing it for hours, calling Depth Charge a different name each time, some that Silverbolt would be upset over due to her language, others that he wouldn’t know the meaning off.  Truth be told, she was starting to go around in circles.  And she had twice passed a cave that had been sealed shut.  Inside of it was Depth Charge, shouting at her to save him from his captor.

            A few days ago, Depth Charge was on patrol.  But, all of a sudden, he saw something that couldn’t be.  He saw what appeared to be a human female.  Sure it was a Predacon trap, Depth Charge decided to investigate with caution.  It was a trap, but the Preds had nothing to do with it.

            As soon as he landed, the girl fled, and he gave chase.  She led him into this very cave, and bashed him in the head with a hard object, disabling him a bit.  Then, she sealed the cave with some sort of transparent wall and disarmed him.

            From what he could tell, she had some strange form of infatuation with him.  And it was creeping him out.  More then anything, he prayed that the spider would find him, soon.

            Optimus found himself back where he was, in his ‘Optimal’ body, as he was.  Perplexed about what had just happened, he decided to head back to base.  This was one long day…

            “Rattrap, I need you to go outside.”  Rhinox said to his friend.

            “Eh, what for?  It’s not like any Preds are gonna get past ole’ ‘Bolt, Spots, an’ Optimus.”  Rattrap was really just looking for a reason to not do what Rhinox wanted him to.  Whatever it was.  He had heard the bot’s grumbling all morning, and knew it meant a lot of work was needed to fix the sensors.

            “I’m picking up something strange on the sensors, and I want you to investigate it.”

            “Fine.”  Rattrap got up and went out side. 

            He found nothing out of the ordinary, with the exception of a bit of Energon Web.  “Who does she dink she is?”  Rattrap complained over the com.  “Leavin’ her nasty Webs all over da place.  Like she dinks she owns it.  Ha.”  He didn’t even notice the creeping Transmetal Spider lurking behind…

            Megatron was not in the mood.  First, a worthless protoform, then a meddlesome Human.  What next?  A surprise attack?  Oh, yes.  He would love to see the Maximals waste their effort like that.  With Sentinel guarding his ship, and their defenses too pathetic to handle his forces, he would certainly love to see that.  Oh, yeeeees!  But, his enemy was not stupid.

            That’s when he was contacted by Rampage.  “I’ve located the Spider.”  He said.  He could almost feel his hands at her throat, squeezing the life from her, hearing her screams for help… for mercy. 

            “Which one?”  Megatron didn’t know if he meant Blackarachnia or Tarantulas.

            “The Traitor.”  Rampage thought that would answer his question and free him to attack the femme.  He loved femmes.  They tended to shrill…

            “Again, I ask, which one?”

            “Blackarachnia!  Now, can I attack?!”

            “No.  Not, yet.”

            “WHAT?!”  He replied in a scream, and Blackarachnia heard him.  Even in her angered state, she decided it was best to act like she didn’t know he was near.

            “Why not?!”  Rampage demanded.

            “Because, I need her alive.  Bring her to me.  Fully functional.”

            “Hostage taking, are we?  AAAAH!!”  Rampage let loose another scream as Megatron squeezed his Spark.

            “Do not question me!  Megatron, out.”

            Back at the Predacon Base, Megatron aimed a monologue at Inferno.  Like the good drone he was, he listened intently.

            “You see, my dear Inferno, I want to know what’s going on.  I need to know where that Human came from, and why that Mary Sue showed up.  And, more importantly, I must know how to stop it.  But, to know that, I need a mind that may be greater than my own, as far as the sciences are concerned, that is.  I need Blackarachnia.”

            Silverbolt returned from his patrol route early then Cheetor.  He was looking forward to seeing his beloved.  Instead, he opened the doors to the base to find Rhinox in the middle of something of a breakdown and Optimus just standing there, baffled again.

            “Sir,” asked the Fuzor, “what is wrong with Rhinox?”

            “What’s wrong?”  Rhinox answered with a look of insanity.  “What’s WRONG?!  Everything!  The auto guns just went completely offline, the entire sensor web is down, Rattrap’s MIA, as is Depth Charge, and, to top it off, the very fabric of reality is being altered!!”

            “Calm down, old friend.”  Optimus tried desperately to ease Rhinox.  “Now, start from the beginning.”

            Rhinox took a few deep breaths.  “I suppose the best place to start would be this morning.  All of the bad luck I was having, it was more then usual.  Even for a bad day.”

            “Rhinox, I’m sure that’s just coincidence.”

            “At first, I thought so, too.  But, as the day wore on, I noticed something.  The systems where failing as fast as I could fix them, keeping me ever busy.  Then, the sensors began acting up.  And not just the long range ones.  I thought maybe it was Pred interference, so I sent out Rattrap to investigate.

            “But, Rattrap didn’t return.  I also noticed some changes in the sky.  You know those clouds?”

            “What clouds?”

            “The dark ones.  You don’t mean to tell me you’ve spent stellar-cycles on this planet and haven’t gotten to know its weather patterns, do you?  Anyway, the skies are clear today, except for those dark clouds.  They’re dark enough to be storm clouds.  But, they’re not grouped together.  They’re just floating in the sky aimlessly.

            “I decided to investigate.  Fortunately, a weather balloon still worked.  I outfitted it with modified sensors.”

            “Get to the point, Rhinox.”

            “I’m getting to it!  Just give me a slaggin’ nano-click, would ya!?  Where was I.  Oh, yes.  The clouds.  As it turns out, they’re not clouds.”  Rhinox’s words left an ominous chill in the air.

            “Well, what are they?”  Silverbolt asked, curious.

            “Optimus, Silverbolt… I’m afraid that our journey through time exposed this planet to a large amount of temporal radiation.  That, coupled with the radiation from the Alien technology, has created several rifts in reality.”

            “So… what are the clouds?”  Silverbolt asked, again.

            “THEY’RE THE RIFTS!!!”

            “Oh.”  Silverbolt gasped, remembering something.  “Where’s Blackarachnia?!” 

            “Out looking for Depth Charge…”  The Maximal leader also realized the peril everyone was in.  “Optimus to Blackarachnia.  Blackarachnia, please respond!  Grrr, no answer!  Silverbolt, you and I will-”

            “Optimus!  Silverbolt’s already gone.”

            “I’m going after him!  Stay here!”

            “It doesn’t matter where we are!  Reality itself is being bent, almost as if by will!  And worse yet, the rifts are expanding!”

            Blackarachnia decided to act like she was resting.  She found a rock in the shallow part of the sea she was next to, and choose it as a resting spot.  She sat down on the rock, trying to make herself look comfortable, which was hard, considering the odd shape of the rock, and she waited for Rampage to strike.  She paid close attention to the sounds around her, and to the reflections in the water. 

            And in the water, Rampage’s ugly head was revealed.  The Transmetal 2 turned around quickly, ready to strike, only to find that Rampage wasn’t there.  Then, a huge claw broke the surface of the water.  Acting purely on instinct, Blackarachnia jumped to the shore.  As she recovered from her landing, Rampage launched a missile.

            “AAAAAAAAAAH!”  She screamed as it stuck the ground in front of her and knocked her back.

            Silverbolt heard her scream, and rushed off in that direction.

            “Ah, that was lovely, my dear!”  Rampage laughed, referring to her lovely scream.  “Encore, encore!”  He fired two more missiles. 

            But Blackarachnia was ready.  Using her telekinesis, she caused one missile to veer off course, and strike the other.  Rampage searched for her body as the smoke cleared.  “Where’d she go off to?”  He asked the air.

            “Over here!”  From his right, she fired her pincers at him.  They dug into his armor, injecting him with cyber venom.  Rampage was almost paralyzed by the pain.  But, unlike his Spark pain, this pain had a limit.  Realizing it could not get worse, he transformed and tugged at the Energon Web that was attached to the pincers.  Blackarachnia staggered forward, before letting go and falling backwards.  Rampage started walking toward the She-Spider, battle riffle drawn.

            Depth Charge watched from the cave, when inspiration struck.  He once heard from Rattrap how Blackarachnia was known to charm those who she wanted something from.  He turned to his human captor. 

            “Oh, Janet-”

            “It’s Jessica.”

            “Whatever.  I love you with all of my Spark, and I wish to be yours for eternity.”

            “Oh, I knew you’d see it my way!  Come here!”

            Depth Charge then knocked her out, and grabbed his weapons.  Rampage was closing in on his prey.

“Time to take a nap.”  Rampage taunted.

            “Good idea!  A nice, long nap is exactly what you need, creep!”  Depth Charge ran straight at Rampage.  He fired a few shots from his gun, knocking the crab back.  Then, he sent him flying with a grenade from his chest.

            “Thanks for the save.”  Blackarachnia said, getting to her feet.  “What took you?  And where were you?!” 

            Depth Charge had the urge to say ‘Hiding from your ugly mug’, but common sense got the better of him.  “I was… occupied.”

             “Occupied?  What in the Pit does that mean?  It’s just like you men.  You disappear for days on end, not telling anyone where you are or when you’ll be back, and when you finally do get back, all you have to say it ‘I was occupied’.  Hmph.”

            Ooookaaaay.  Silverbolt either screwed up big time, or she’s having her monthlys.  Either way, I don’t know what to say.  Depth Charge thought long and hard, all the while with the femme’s murderous gaze trained on him.  “I’m… sorry…?”

            “You’re sorry?  You’re sorry?  Why, I should-”

            “Beloved!”  Silverbolt flew in like a hero ready to save the day.

            “You’re late, Bowser.”

            Just in time by my watch.  My hero.  Depth Charge decided to keep his words in his thoughts for the time being.  He knew from experience to never get involved in these kinds of things.  “Uh, I gotta go.  Um… X, yes, that’s it, X is still out there!”  With that, he transformed and flew off.

            “Blackarachnia, are you alright?  I heard you scream.”

            After a brief sigh, she replied.  “I’m fine, just a little bit of trouble with Rampage.  But Depth Charge and I took care of it.”

            “Rampage?!  Depth Charge?!”  Silverbolt looked worried and disappointed. 

Seeing his partially wounded expression, Blackarachnia softened a little.  She knew that a large part of his confidence depended on his ability to save her.  “Aw, don’t fret, you big Bone-head.  You can still fly me home.”

“It’s not the same.”  He was whimpering.  But, he soon remembered why he had come.  “Milady, we must get back to base, and quickly!”

“I think not, noooo.” 

“Wadda want wit me, Spida?”  Rattrap demanded as he hung from Tarantulas’ web.

“Oh, don’t worry.  I’m not interested in your mech fluid, rodent.  I don’t eat junk food.”  Tarantulas turned to his computer.  “Have you seen the sky today?  It’s quiet lovely, actually.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it is.  Look, why don’t ya just cut to da chase, an’ tell me why I’m here!”

            “Why, to save the day, of course.”

            “You’re kidding me.  There’s no way this is happening.”  Cheetor stood before Rhinox, not believing what he had just heard with his own two ears.  There was no way.

            “Yes, Cheetor, I’m afraid it’s true.”

            “I just… I just don’t believe it.  We’ve spent all this time fighting for the future, and now it doesn’t even matter.”

            “Pretty much.”

            “At least I still have my cat nip.”

            “No, you don’t.  The Rifts have caused it to drop through reality.  Your cat nip is, no more.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  When suddenly, there was a knock, on the front door.

“Who is it?”  Rhinox brought up the Security feed.

“Megatron.”

“Oh.”  Rhinox said plainly.  “Go away.”

The image on the monitor shook as Megatron’s hand grabbed and turned the camera.  It revealed the tied and bound forms of Silverbolt and Blackarchnia, with Waspinator, Quickstrike, and Inferno aiming their weapons at them.  “Care to rephrase that, Rhino?”  Megatron smirked into the camera.  He loved it when he had the upper hand.

Optimus was looking high and low for Silverbolt, Blackarachnia, and Depth Charge.  He had already accidentally flown into one of the clouds, flying into a reality where all of his troops were stoners.  He flew bag into the cloud immediately and wound back up in this reality.  Apparently, in said reality, the atmosphere was 75% THC.

            He spotted Depth Charge, and opened the com.  Explaining the situation to him, he convinced him to return to base with him.

            “Oh, and Optimus,” the Manta-bot added “is the femme in your group going through her monthly phase?”

            Optimus gave it some thought.  “You know, I honestly don’t know.  But it’s a strong possibility.”

            “Wadda mean, ‘Da end of Reality?’”  Rattrap was confused.

            Tarantulas gladly filled him in.  He’d monitoring the clouds for days.  He had had a beautiful idea for a weather machine, when he discovered the rifts.  He explained the Mary Sue and strange human appearing at the base to Rattrap, and he gave him the startling truth. 

            “Our entire existence, in this reality, is as real as you and I.  But, in another reality, we are nothing more then characters on a TV show.”

            “Say wha…?”

            “Yes.  And, the rifts, having altered the stability of Reality, have caused a few elements from ‘Fan Fiction’ to fall into our reality, and us into the Fan Fiction reality.”

            “Ya mean ta tell me dat our lives are meaningless?  Dat da Beast Wars, and all da lives lost, are for nothing.”

            “In this reality, they are, but not in others.  And, it gets worse.”

            “How much worse?”

            “Our TV show… it’s a children’s show.”

            “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

            “Yes, yes, I know.  But, there is a way to seal the rifts.”  Tarantulas paused, then went on.  “You see, the rifts are expanding at an alarming rate.  However, by monitoring their locations, I have determined a focus point.  What’s more, it’s moving.”

            “Movin’!?”

            “It would seem that the focus is relative to our locations.  It is always in the exact middle of all of us.”

            “So, if we close da focus, we close ‘em all?”  Rattrap was starting to understand.  “But, why did ya kidnap me?”

            “Because, in order to re-seal the rift, an item not of this universe must pass through it, along with items from this universe.  Also, since there are two different Trans Warp signatures responsible for the rupture, something with even a small residual amount of temporal radiation that matches both signatures!  Thus, I decided to use some Predacon circuitry in its onboard computers, and some Maximal circuitry, courtesy of you.”

            “So, why didn’t ya just kill me?”

            A look of shame came across Tarantualas’ face.  “I… I can’t move the pod on my own…”

Optimus had a bad feeling when he landed at base.  And when he opened the door, he knew why.  “Megatron.”

            “Ah, Optimus Primal.  How are you on this fine day?”  Standing around him, like they were mingling at a party, were all of the Maximals and Predacons (minus Rattrap and Tarantulas). 

            “…Okay, what weird mind ray have you used on my team, Megatron?!”

            “Mind ray?”

            “Don’t play dumb!  The only way that they could ever stay in the same room with the Predacons and not blow them to bits is if they’re under the influence of some sinister mind control!”

            “Optimus, listen,” Rhinox tried to calm his leader “we’re not under the control of some ‘Mind ray.’”

            “That’s exactly what a mind controlled idiot would say, Rhinox.  That’s exactly what he’d say.”

            “Ugh, you idiotic male!”  Blackarachnia sighed.

            “Oh, so you’re not under mind control.”  Blackarachnia’s comment was rude, hurtful, and sounded exactly like some thing a femme on her monthly phase would say.  So, she couldn’t have been under the control of an alien.  “But, then why are you here?”

            “To offer our aid.  You see, Reality is falling apart, yeeees.  And, it would seem that our only hope to survive is to ally our selves with you to find a way to put a stop to it.”  Megatron stated.  Disdain and sourness dripped from his every word.  He did not find these pleasing in the least.  “Originally, I intended to kidnap the widow,” He said, motioning toward Blackarachnia, “but, once I had both her and the hound, and the dog informed us of the situation, I knew that my only hope would be to… ally myself with you.”

            “Alright, then let’s get started.” 

            “Started with what?”  Rhinox asked.  “We have less then 25 cycles to research these anomalies and find a way to counter them!  That’s not enough time!”  Just then, a knock came at the door.  “Who is it?”

            Tarantulas and Rattrap had trekked all the way from his lair to the location of the Ark, while dragging a stasis pod.  It was once there that Tarantulas revealed to all those present what the pod was for.

            “You see,” he stated matter-of-factly “this is the pod that Mary Sue came from.”  He paused to allow everyone to shudder at the mention of the name.  “It’s molecular- oh, screw it, there’s no time!  Basically, flying the pod into the epicenter of the rifts will fix everything!  I had to use both Predacon and Maximal circuitry in the onboard computer, however, which is why I abducted the vermin.  Just one small thing, though.  Who ever goes, might not make it back.”

            “Alright, I’ll go!”  Optimus stated, ready to heroically sacrifice himself for the umpteenth time.

            “One small, er, big problem, Big bot.  You’re way too big to fit in that pod!  I’ll go!”  Cheetor knew the risks, and was prepared to Cheetor.

            “Forget it, Cheetor.  If anyone’s going, it’s gonna be me.”  Rhinox bellowed.

            “No way, Rhinox!  I’ll do it!”  Rattrap stated, choking back a gulp once what he said hit him.

            “Forget it, garbage breath.  I’ll go.  I know Tarantulas’ toys better then anyone else here.  That makes me most qualified to go.”  Blackarachnia replied.

            “No, my beloved.  You mustn’t take that chance.  I will go.”  Silverbolt said as his theme music played.

            “You can’t go up there, you’ll die!  I’ll do it!”  (Rhinox.)

            “You can’t go up there, you’ll die!  I’ll do it!”  (Cheetor.)

            “You can’t go up there, you’ll die!  I’ll do it!”  (Rattrap.)

            “You can’t go up there, you’ll die!  I’ll do it!”  (Silverbolt.)

            “You can’t go up there, you’ll die!  I’ll do it!”  (Blackarachnia.)

            It when like this for a while, until Megatron fired his gun into the air, shutting the not so heroic Maximals up.  “How in tarnation do they get anything done?”  Quickstrike whispered to Dinobot, who shrugged.

            “Enough of this.  Inferno!”

            “Yes, Royalty?”

            “You’re going up there.”

            “Of course, my Queen.”  The cavern filled with snickers.  Rattrap had to struggle to keep his servos from exploding.  It took the Maximals a while to recover from the hilarious name.  Megatron was red with embarrassment.  Optimus couldn’t believe he was fighting a long and drawn out war with someone whose subordinates were confused about a thing as simple as gender.

            The concentration of warriors in one spot meant that the epicenter (a swirling vortex of lightning and clouds) was right above them.  As Inferno got into the pod, he turned to face everyone.

            Megatron walked up to him.  “Inferno, one last thing.”

            “Yes, my Queen?”  More snickers.

            “Gr…  I’m changing your name from Inferno to Optimus.”

            “Why, My Queen?”

            “Because I need you to come back after you die!  You’re the only truly loyal soldier I have, unfortunately.”  Megatron said as he slammed the pod shut.  As it went off into the vortex, he screamed “AND MAYBE YOUR PROGRAMMING WILL BE CORRECTED!”

For a moment, time seemed to stand still.  Then, the pod came crashing into the ground.  Optimus’ charred corpse being thrown out of it.  After that, a huge bolt of lightning struck the ground, and the next thing everyone knew, they back in their own bases, the sky clear.  It had worked.  And Optimus was fully restored. 

“Good work, ‘Optimus’.”  Megatron congratulated his subordinate.  “Oh, and by the way, I’m changing your name back to Inferno.” 

“Yes, my Queen.”

            Waspinator, Quickstrike, and Tarantulas made their way for the door.

            The End… not really.

            Optimus had to know.  It was plaguing him.  And so, like the fool this story has ended up making him appear to be, he asked. 

            “Blackarachnia, are you on your… ‘phase’?”

            The femme’s face burned with anger.  She spun around and quickly turned to Silverbolt.  “AREN’T YOU EVEN GOING TO TRY AND DEFEND MY HONOR!?”

            After a brief period of thought, Silverbolt said something.  “Well, are you, my love?”

            Rhinox, Rattrap, and Cheetor quietly made their way for the door.